Entitled: The Benefits to Elopement
Fandom: Life with Derek
Setting: Four or five years after the end of Season 4.
Length: 1700 words
Disclaimer: I do not own Life with Derek and etc.
Notes: The idea of them ever getting married was simply too horrific to ignore. It'd be a disaster. A fun disaster, most likely complete with food fights and colorful dance moves, but still with all the destructive power as World War III.
Nora knew something bad was about to happen when Casey actually ignored Derek's (slightly strangled) jibes, and Derek didn't remark when Casey successfully destroyed the last of Grandma's china. Her suspicions were further enforced when Derek didn't kick Casey out of his chair, but moved her over and squeezed in at her side.
Something was very, very wrong.
"Something's up with the kids," Nora hissed to George, then handed him a wet plate to dry. George sighed and shrugged glumly.
"Nora, something's always up with the kids."
"No! I mean—" she glanced back into the living room. Neither Casey nor Derek seemed to notice that they had been watching a screen full of static for the past ten minutes. "Something weird."
"Well…" George moved over to squint at his eldest son and step daughter, "Maybe they've just changed? We haven't seen them since the visited last Christmas, you know."
Nora frowned, and then abruptly relaxed when she heard the two of them begin arguing. Quieter than they would have in the past, but still repeating a gesture so comfortingly aggravating that some of the tension eased from her shoulders.
It was back in a moment when Casey's voice came, sounding unnaturally cheerful, "Mom? George? Could you come here a sec?"
She and George exchanged glances, then stepped carefully into the living room. The TV was off, and now Casey and Derek were perched on opposite sides of the couch, both looking slightly sick.
"What's up?" George asked cheerfully. Casey opened her mouth, then closed it, shut her eyes and took a deep, steadying breath, and held up her hand.
It was hard to miss the ring. It was so obvious, in fact, that Nora couldn't believe she hadn't seen it sooner.
Casey was looking like she was just about to bolt. Nora didn't blame her. "Casey, that's…that's great! When is it? Who is it? Have we met him?"
"Oh, yeah." Derek was looking at the ceiling, "You have."
Casey stared at him with huge eyes. Derek frowned at her.
It suddenly clicked into place.
"You two?!" Nora pointed wildly between the two of them, "But—but—how did you stay in the same room together long enough for this to happen?!"
"It was his fault." Casey said immediately.
Derek stared at her incredulously, and she withered a little, looking mildly guilty.
Derek muttered something about copious amounts of alcohol, and Nora burst into tears. George, Casey, and Derek all stared at her with expressions of equal terror.
"Oh, mom," Casey fretted, reaching out to pat the air around Nora's blubbering frame, "Mom, come on, it's not so bad—"
"Not that bad?!" Nora wailed, "Now we'll never get rid of him!"
Derek felt this was slightly unfair. He still wasn't quite brave enough to look at his father.
"Please tell me this is a dream," Nora moaned. Casey was privately pleased. Her mother had actually handled this much better than she had in Casey's imagination.
"In all fairness," Derek stumbled in quickly, "It could have been worse."
"Worse?!" Nora repeated with a crazed cackle, "How could this possibly be worse?!"
"I could have gotten her pregnant." Derek pointed out. Casey moaned, and hid her face in her hands. George looked a little sick, and abruptly felt the urge to sit down.
"…Nope. This is still worse." Nora muttered. Casey scowled at her, Derek just sighed. Typical. The one time he'd try to do things in the neat, conservative way, he'd been totally shut down.
"Wait a sec," George had apparently remembered something, something that was quickly turning into his salvation, "Is this even legal?"
"Mostly?" Derek tried, with his most winning smile. "Which is, uh, why we're doing this in Vegas."
The music swelled with a flare, and those assembled stood, turning to face the doors eagerly, as they were slowly, majestically opened to reveal—nothing.
The music played on, and everyone kept staring, waiting for the blushing bride to emerge.
Casey's father checked his watch, dancing from side to side impatiently. George and Nora looked like they were about to hang themselves. Edwin, Lizzie and Marti were making sure this all got on camera. Slowly, the music died out and the guests exchanged wide-eyed looks, the murmurings stirring.
"Did she just—?"
"—Derek Venturi, ditched? Are you getting this on film?"
"I don't mind stepping in as backup!"
Derek twitched, then smiled winningly and spread his hands wide, as though he was more of a rock god than a man who'd just been potentially left at the alter, "Okay, people, just chill for a sec. You're going to be sitting there for a while anyway. I'll be…right back."
And with that he strode down the aisle, a tight little smile fixed in place. Everyone watched him with a kind of horrified silence as he abruptly swung himself around the door and yelled up the stairs, "CASEY! YOU MISSED YOUR CUE!"
After a second, there was a sniffle, and then a woman's voice yelled back, fainter with the distance, "I can't find my shoes!"
Derek looked like he was about three seconds away from creating a sequel to The Chainsaw Massacre. "Your dress is floor length! They won't even know!"
"I'll know!" she yelled, irritation piqued, "I'll know!"
"Just…lie to yourself!"
"You know I can't lie! And—and this isn't the way to start a healthy relationship!" Casey's voice sounded slightly closer. The audience watched as Derek crossed his arms and glared up the stairs.
"Well, if it makes you feel any better, now the entire audience knows you aren't wearing shoes," he suggested, with a voice that was almost choked in sickening sarcasm. Everyone heard Casey's indignant gasp.
"I—I want a divorce!"
"WE AREN'T EVEN MARRIED YET."
"YET?!" Casey repeated furiously, and came into view, striding darkly to her…beloved's…side, "What is this yet?! You know what? I don't think I even want to get ma—"
Derek clamped down on her arm and dragged her over to her father, depositing a red-faced Casey before him. "Okay, I got her. Now go."
He patted her head absently before sprinting back down the aisle.
"Why do we do this?" Nora muttered into her hands. If she slunk any lower into her seat, she'd be a puddle on the floor.
George put an arm around her shoulders and said, very grimly, "Well, there's a lot of alcohol at the reception."
"…You may now kiss the bride." The priest concluded, and snapped his book shut with a very relieved sigh. Derek glanced at her. She glanced back, expression suddenly becoming something very close to petrified. Abruptly very relaxed, he moved in and was just about to get it started when Casey's hands flew up and smacked over his lips, her eyes wide. She glanced at the slightly stunned audience, and then leaned in to whisper conspiratorially. "Maybe we should just…hug. Or, uh, shake hands."
Derek stared at her. "What."
"Well," she shifted awkwardly. It was a good thing she looked so beautiful in that dress, or he might just kill her, "There are, you know, little kids here and—and Mom and George! And my dad!"
"So?!" he hissed, "It's kind of expected, Casey."
"W-well, just a peck then." She muttered, burning red to her ears. Derek treated her to a highly sarcastic look.
"Oh, no way. I did not stand up here for a freaking hour for a peck." He crossed his arms moodily, only to have her glare at him.
"Suck it up."
"I intend to."
Casey squawked, slapping a hand over his mouth again, "Derek, come on! Not in front of a priest!"
"Oh, please." Derek rolled his eyes, "He's a priest from Vegas."
"Well, I—DEREK!" She dodged his wild lunge for her, looking highly irritated, "We can't make out! This is a church!"
"I'm sorry," Derek growled sarcastically, and addressed the room at large, "Will I be offending anyone by kissing the bride?"
There were a few defeated sighs, but no one was actually bold enough to voice their shattering hearts. One girl was openly sobbing. Derek looked at Casey triumphantly. She was obviously trying to think up another excuse.
"Well… they're catching this all on film!" she pointed over at Edwin and Lizzie. Marti looked like she was on the verge of an enormous tantrum. At thirteen, she still hadn't quite outgrown them.
"Are you embarrassed?" Derek taunted, grinning as her face began heating up.
"No." she mumbled sullenly. It was all the permission he needed.
"Good," he grinned, and kissed her so hard and so long she nearly toppled over.