Lestazuma's Revenge by Jersey Girl in Oxford (sue)
This is a follow up to Halloween Duty. I am a Babe and write accordingly, but Ranger might get a little…uh…damaged in this one. This was also written for Kym to make her laugh because some douche bag made her feel bad. 2 middle fingers to that person! Hey, this isn't War and Peace….just a nut having a little fun. Even though Janet doesn't give a shit anymore, she owns them…not me!
Lester was finally out the psychiatric hospital and back to work. He still suffered some facial ticking when Grandma Mazur's name was mentioned. Other than that, he was just about back to normal. Or as normal as possible for Lester. It was all Ranger's fault that he had a break down. For the first 2 weeks after his trauma, Lester would faint and wet his pants around any flashing lights. This called for payback of epic proportion, and he knew just what to do.
Ranger was so regular a person could set his watch by him. Up at 5, in the gym by 5:15, jogging at 6:30, and the kicker, fruit and protein smoothies freshly prepared by Ella at 7:30. Of course, this time may or may not be a little skewed if he spent the night with Stephanie. But today, he was right on track. At 7:15, Lester paid a visit to Ella to ask about a recipe. He didn't give a rat's ass about the actual ingredients, but it was a good distraction. As Ella went to get her cookbook, Lester dumped several packets of laxatives into Ranger's smoothies. He thanked Ella for the information and left. Take that, Batman!
Ranger and Hal drove to the Bond's Office. He needed to drop off the body receipts and pick up some new files. Ranger tensed when he began to feel gurgling in his gut. The sensation passed, and he relaxed. About a block away, he could feel a pressure building in his lower abdomen. He shifted in his seat. The next thing he knew…….PPPPFFFTTTT! Hal scrunched up his face and gave him a sideways glance. Hal sniffed the air and rolled down the side window. Ranger was only mildly embarrassed. They were guys…right? Guys farted all the time. But, he was Ranger. People feared and respected him. He wasn't supposed to fart in front of his men on duty. But if Hal valued his job and his health, he would keep his mouth shut. Damn….that does smell. Ranger rolled down his window.
The situation was becoming critical but relief was in sight. They pulled up in front of the Bond's Office. Thank God, it was only Connie that was inside. Ranger quickly made his way to the bathroom as Hal handed her the receipts. He barely got his cargos down before it felt like his ass exploded. Good thing he went commando…might have slowed him down. Ranger was trying to recall what he had eaten in the previous 24 hours that would have given him diarrhea. He couldn't remember eating anything out of the ordinary. Having nothing else to do, he picked up the Woman's World magazine and proceeded to read the featured article on preventing yeast infections.
Ranger could hear Connie and Hal whispering through the door. "Hi girls!" Connie said. Shit, Stephanie and Lula arrived. This situation was about to go from bad to worse.
"Oh my God Connie," he could hear Stephanie say, "What the hell is that smell?" Ranger was grateful that he was behind a locked door because no one ever saw him blush before. He reached around for the handle to do a courtesy flush, but nothing happened. What the fuck? He pushed the handle again. Still nothing. There was no window in the bathroom to allow him to escape. God Damn Son of a Whore!
"Oh…I think that's Ranger. He's been in there a while," Hal told her. Oh you are a dead man Hal, Ranger said to himself. He grabbed for the toilet paper only to see one square left on the roll.
"Damn!" he next heard Lula say, "I better start lightin' some matches." Please God kill me now, Ranger thought.
"Forget the matches…light a bon fire," Stephanie added. His bad ass, man of mystery persona was all going to shit….literally. He could hear a hissing sound of an air freshening product in the next room. He hoped some of that would waft under the door. It smelled like a dead animal in here. "See what happens when you get too much fiber in your diet?" The howl of laughter filled the next room.
"Yeah…now you know why everyone thinks he's such a bad ass!" Lula joked. More laughter. He would never live this down. He remembered that he had a bandana in his back pocket. One problem solved. Now, how the hell was he going to get out of there? The toilet looked like a science experiment. There was a gentle knock on the door.
"Ranger…is everything alright?" Stephanie asked. Beam me up, Scotty.
"Yeah, Babe. I'll be out in a minute….uh someone tried to flush a dead duck down the toilet and it's stuck. Uh…I'm trying to fix it," he responded. Hey, that might be believable with Vinnie's history and all.
"Hey….Ranger said there's a dead duck stuck in the toilet," Stephanie told them. More laughter. Shit, guess that one's not going to work. Someone's going to pay for this, and it's not going to be me! After pulling up his cargos, he was able to check the tank. He found the problem…Thank God…and fixed it. He flushed the toilet and breathed a sigh of relief as it worked. He turned to exit after washing his hands but heard the continued running water as the toilet over flowed. Fuck! He immediately shut of the water and grabbed the plunger. The water receded after 3 thrusts. He sighed. That would have been all he needed. Like this situation wasn't bad enough. He washed his hands again and counted to 10 before opening the door.
Lula was waving the front door like a fan to allow for fresh air. Stephanie was holding her nose. Connie had lit several Fabreze candles. Vinnie came out of his office. "Christ! Did someone dig up a dead body?"
"There was something in the pipes that caused the toilet to back up. I fixed it," Ranger told him. That's his story and he's sticking to it. He held out his hand for Connie to give him the files.
"Are you having stomach problems, Ranger?" Stephanie whispered to him with her eyes full of concern. He gave her a quick kiss on the temple.
"I'm fine, Babe. Gotta go. I'll talk to you later." He just wanted to get the hell outta Dodge. Hal was waiting for him by the SUV. It was obvious he was trying not to laugh. Ranger glared at him and Hal paled. Hey, he didn't want to be the only person today who almost shit himself. Something about this wasn't right. His bowels never betrayed him like this before. Somebody had to do something to him. And wasn't it a coincidence that Lester was back? A third world country would be too good for him.
As soon as Ranger and Hal pulled away, Connie called Lester. "It worked. But you owe us big time. The stench was ungodly!" Lester worked it out with Connie to allow him to disable the toilet. Of course, Connie called Stephanie and Lula to make sure they showed up in time. Nothing embarrassing ever happened to Ranger. They didn't think it would work. Stephanie was used to making a fool of herself all the time. It was nice to have to shoe on the other foot for a change. They all knew it was only a matter of time before Ranger found out it was Lester. Let the games begin!!!!!!!