Lestazuma's Revenge Part 2-by jerseygirlinoxford (sue)
This is a duel response to both Jenny's Lonely Challenge on PP and Xylia's Choices Challenge on RW. Part 1 is in my folder on both sites.
The story of Ranger's digestive Olympics had made several rounds at Haywood before the morning meeting the next day. Ranger heavily suspected it was Lester who orchestrated one of the most embarrassing episodes in his entire life. Stephanie had called him three more times after he left the Bond's Office to make sure he was alright. Damn! Ranger avoided everyone for the rest of that day and worked out of his apartment. He wanted the closeness of the comfort of his own bathroom just in case there was a round two. Lester probably wouldn't have been stupid enough to brag to anyone about what he did. At least for now. He would be expecting Ranger to retaliate and would be suspicious of anything that Ranger did or said. No. It would be best to wait. Let all the talk about his…uh…incident blow over. Besides, he knew the best way to guarantee a loss is to quit.
The teasing over the next few days was merciless. One would have thought these guys have never taken a shit before. None of these guys smelled like roses either. Ella left several cans of air neutralizing spray in the office and locker-room bathrooms for a reason. Using his legendary control, Ranger maintained his black face and did not address any of the comments or jokes at his expense. He almost lost his cool once after an hour of trying to ignore Lester blowing on a duck calling whistle. After fighting the urge to ram it up Lester's left nostril, he focused on work and remained withdrawn from any social interaction with his staff. Except for Stephanie. Hey…he might have been embarrassed, but he's not stupid. More quacking. Give me strength, Lord! Keep it up, Lester you dumb shit, Ranger said to himself, you're only going to make it worse for yourself!
No matter what Lester did or said, Ranger didn't seem to crack. He heard all about what happened at the Bond's Office from Connie and Hal. The whoopee cushions on his chair during meetings, and the duck calling didn't phase him at all. That toxic dump must have embarrassed the hell out of him. Otherwise, he wouldn't have tried to blame it on a dead duck stuck in the toilet. Of course, some people might have believed him because of the rumors of Vinnie having sex with a duck in his office. Damn! He was going to have to step up his game.
Ranger bided his time. A month went by, and he was rewarded with the perfect scenario. The former New Jersey Governor, Jim McGreevy, was speaking at Trenton State College on gay rights. Because of his status as an ex-Governor and the controversial outing while he was married and in office, the New Jersey State Police contacted Rangeman about providing additional security. They were requesting an additional ten men. Two men were needed to stay with the former Governor at all times. The other eight would be strategically placed around the stage and in the audience. Normally, Ranger would reject an assignment such as this. But not because it involved the homosexual community. He just didn't like to involve Rangeman in situations that were too media sensitive. He preferred to keep a low profile. Ranger cracked a smile. He was going to love the look on Lester's face. Lester's reputation as a lady's man was about to come under fire. He saw a lot of lonely nights in Lester's future.
Ranger made the announcement the next morning during the meeting. He was met with groans and looks of horror. "Lester and Hal will cover Mr. McGreevy at the podium. Tank, myself, Ram, Woody, Bobby, and Cal will be in the audience and surround the stage. The speech is to start at 10:00 AM sharp. We'll meet him at the hotel and escort him to the college at 9:45." Ranger dismissed the team and set about to put his plan in motion. For as much as Ranger's men made fun of him, they were also creatures of habit. Lester needed his orange juice every morning. Not just any type, he needed his Tropicana with the pulp and the added calcium. The dumb mother fucker left it in the refrigerator in the break room on 5. The carton was covered with blue Post It's with his name on it. This was going to be way too easy.
Was this the best Ranger could come up with, Lester asked himself. He must be losing his touch. Okay, he wasn't all that thrilled with standing on a stage next to a homo while all his friends ogled the goods. Hell, it was only for a couple of hours. Lester looked at himself in the mirror. "I am the Master!" He thought about his uniform. Damn. He didn't like the idea of wearing pants that showed off his tight and firm ass as well as his package. He reached into the back of his closet for his 'fat' pants. These were the cargos he had when he first came to work for Rangeman. He lost weight just like everyone else did when Ranger enacted the no junk food rule. He had to wear a belt to keep his pants up but at least he wouldn't be giving any ideas to those fruits.
Ranger invited Stephanie to come along for the ride. When she told him that she promised to spend the day with Grandma Mazur, he couldn't have believed his luck. "Bring her along, Babe," he told her. Lester was still afraid of Grandma Mazur. He made arrangements for Stephanie and Grandma Mazur to have seats in the front row. Another thing in Ranger's favor was that Vinnie Plum kept his supply of Viagra in the top drawer of his desk at the Bond's Office. Something about him not wanting his wife to know about it. The maximum dose of Viagra with a healthy portion of Peri-Colace created the perfect revenge cocktail.
Standing at parade rest for hours at a time was a piece of cake. They had done it many times in the service. He stood to the ex-Governor's right while Hal was on his left. He overheard Mr. McGreevy reviewing his speech on the drive over. The topics were gay marriage….like that was a fucking surprise. The Boy Scouts….how gay is that? Well, it was gay because he got kicked out when he was a kid and was the only one left out. And finally….gays in the military. Jesus Christ! Don't ask don't tell. They should just Don't Join! Oh shit….Grandma Mazur's in the front row next to Steph. She's waving at me to get my attention. Lester felt his right eye begin to twitch.
At about fifteen minutes into the speech, Lester felt a strange sensation in his groin. Oh shit! What's going on here? He felt himself beginning to get hard. No… no…no! What the hell is wrong with my dick? Quick….think of sports! He tried to remain calm. Sweat began to bead on his forehead. This can't be happening! I'm not into dudes! Thanks to his wardrobe choice, he was able to fully salute the crowd. God damn fat pants! He glanced down at Grandma Mazur. Yeah…that will totally turn me off. She gave him a knowing smile, removed her teeth, and licked her lips. Fuck me! Stephanie whispered something in Ranger's ear. Ranger looked up at him and smiled. Damn him! He did this! Shit! I am so dead. Ranger said something to Stephanie and headed back stage. A little boy was sitting with two women in the second row. He pointed to Lester.
"Mommy? What's wrong with that guy's pants?" Could you say that a little louder, kid? I don't think the guy in the leather chaps in the back row heard you. A murmur started in the crowd as more and more people became more interested in Lester's erection than McGreevy's speech. Lester felt another strange sensation as his stomach began to gurgle. Now what the fuck was going on? He had never felt so bloated in his life. Luckily, he was also the master of the SBD aka silent but deadly fart. He was able to relax himself enough to quietly pass the gas. After what seemed like a whole minute, the pressure eased up. The only problem was he couldn't do anything about the smell. Lester could hear people taking long and deep sniffs behind him.
"I know the mascot for Trenton State is the lion, but did someone bring a herd of goats in here?" Mr. McGreevy asked the crowd after getting a healthy whiff. There was general laughter in the crowd. Mr. McGreevy resumed his speech. The pressure was building again in Lester's abdomen. He was still saluting the crowd. What the hell did Ranger do to me? And where can I buy more of this stuff? Not even Grandma Mazur is ruining this boner! Lester once again relaxed his cheeks to let loose more gas. No fucking way! I just shit myself! What the fuck? Lester could feel the loose stool start to run down the backs of his thighs. He scrunched his butt cheeks up, but it didn't stop the flow. Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! And I'm not wearing any fucking underwear either! He could hear more sniffing sounds behind him. He was standing in front of a row of men that represented several gay rights groups. Queers for Steers….who supported gay cattle ranchers. No Student Left Behind….he didn't even want to know what that group was about. Gay Parents Association….self explanatory. He could hear them whispering about him.
"Did that tall drink of water shit himself?"
"I think so. Smells like he had six dead gerbils up his ass."
"I guess he likes to receive a lot. He wore out his sphincter muscle."
Lester closed his eyes and swallowed hard. I'm ruined! I'm fucking ruined! At least they'll know I'm hung like a horse though. I'm going to be known as the guy gay with the boner who shit himself. There was a loud applause. Now what? Oh…he's done with his speech. Thank God! Fuck! I have to try to walk now. A newspaper crew approached the podium. Mr. McGreevy summoned both Hal and him to get in the picture with him. Fuck me! Lester half walked and have hobbled over to the ex-Governor. McGreevy looked down and his crotch and smiled. Please God….kill me. Strike me down with a lightning bolt! McGreevy put his arms around Lester and Hal. At least Hal didn't look too happy about it either. McGreevy patted Lester in the behind and pulled his hand back as if burned.
"What the hell?" Mr. McGreevy cried out. Lester noticed that Ranger was attempting to hide behind the curtain off stage. He was doubled over laughing and holding his stomach. "Did you shit yourself, son?" Lester nodded. Mr. McGreevy smiled. What the fuck? Why were all these guys so excited that I shit myself? Tank saddled up to Ranger. He couldn't make out what he was saying but he hooked his thumb towards him. Ranger said something back, and they two of them exploded in laughter. Okay Ranger. It is so on right now. I don't know how and I don't know when, but you are going down!