A/N: This just came to me during one of those many nights that I couldn't sleep and it wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it down. I polished it up a little and figured it didn't suck so I decided to post it up. Anyone who is reading my other fic The Hardest Part Is Falling don't worry, I will continue it.
Disclaimer: I didn't own it for the first fic and I sadly don't own it now.
I turned over in my bed for the fifth time in the last three minutes. It was one of those nights when my brain refused to shut itself off and just kept thinking no matter how much I wanted it to stop. I thought about everything and I was getting so frustrated that I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs. Of course I started to think about that too.
Giving up my attempts at sleep I got up and went into the kitchen. I looked around trying to find something that appealed to me but I didn't find anything so I gave up on that too. I sighed and went back to my bed not bothering to close my eyes. I just lay there staring up at my ceiling almost willing it to find a way to lull me to sleep.
I got up again and headed towards the bathroom, stripping off my clothing as I walked. I turned on the shower using only cold water and got inside. The shock of the cold water passed quickly and I stood there feeling the water fall on my body. I was getting more and more sleepless nights recently and that gave me yet another thing to think about.
Maybe I just needed someone to talk to. I haven't seen Yuna or Rikku for months, let alone have a decent conversation with them. Nooj and Gippal were too busy running their factions so I doubted they would actually have time to listen to me and I know that if I talk to Baralai about it he would worry about me too much for my liking.
I turned off the water and stood in the shower for a few minutes letting the water drip off of my body. After questioning the practicality of standing in the shower wet, naked, and cold I grabbed a towel and wrapped myself in it. I stepped out of the shower and put on some clean clothes. I walked over to my window and looked outside and at the rain that had been falling for days now.
I looked away from the window and walked back to my bed, sitting down on the edge. If my sense of timing was correct, which is usually was, the sun wasn't due to rise for at least four more hours. That meant that I needed to find something to entertain myself with for the next six hours before it was time for me to go to work.
I would go in earlier but I had been staying at work late recently and if I started going in early as well Baralai was bound to get curious and ask me what was wrong with me. I would lie to him and say that nothing was wrong but he would see right through it and figure it out anyway. Stupid, he already knows, and I know that he knows. We were never good at lying to each other.
I was starting to get a headache with all this thinking. It sickened me that I had such poor control over my own mind. I haven't seen myself like this since… no… I'm going to stop that thought right there. If I go there then I'm only bound to get worse. Still, this was different. The world was happy, my friends were alive and happy, then why the hell was I so miserable?
I ran my hand through my hair realizing that it had gotten considerably longer than I liked it to be. Why did I let it get so long? Yet another question that I didn't have the answer to. Come on Paine, get a grip. You have every reason to be happy so be happy damn it. Fake it if you have to. Fake my happiness? For who, me or my friends? My friends. I would know better.
I lay down on my bed again, sick of staring at the chair that was next to my bed. I prefer to stare at my ceiling. I was focusing so hard on my ceiling that was almost certain that I was going to make a hole on it with my eyes. I would have laughed if I did. At least the blank surface stopped my mind from wandering any further.
I hadn't realized that I had been there for so long. I looked away from the ceiling only when sunlight started to come in through the open window and into my room making me squint. Has it really been so long? I was only here for a few minutes. Or was I? Whatever. I didn't want to dwell on it any more. I decided to go out for a walk since it was sunny finally. That should help.
I got up from my bed and walked out the door not bothering to lock it. It's not like I had anything worth stealing. Once outside I took in a deep breath. It felt good to breathe some fresh air, especially after all that rain. Nature's way of getting itself clean. It was cooler than it should have normally been. Of course it was. The sun hasn't been out for more than a week and winter was closing in.
I chose a direction to walk in and let my feet aimlessly move me forward. I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings. I was intently looking at my feet as they walked seemingly to nowhere but still moving me forward. I looked up only when I walked straight into someone. That's what I get for not paying attention.
"Sorry." I mumbled to the man that I had walked into.
"Quite alright. It was partly my fault anyway." He said with a bright smile. "Too much on your mind?
"Not really." I lied. "I just had a rough night."
"Oh. Well then I will not keep you any longer. I do hope that you enjoy this nice day."
I nodded but didn't say anything in return. There was something about his tone that hinted towards a hidden meaning but I quickly dismissed it. I didn't anything else occupying my already full brain. I headed towards Bevelle temple, figuring that it was a decent time to start working. It wasn't the most exciting job but it was a job and I was grateful that Baralai had gotten it for me.
"Paine? You're unusually early." Baralai said as soon as I walked into the temple.
"I wanted to go for a walk so I figured that I should come in early today." I said mustering the best fake smile that I could.
"I see." He didn't say anything else and I knew that he wasn't convinced.
"Well I'm going to go get my day started. See you later 'Lai." I said with my fake cheeriness, walking past him. I made my way to my desk and immediately started working on the little bit of papers that I had left. With all the time that I have been spending at the temple recently I was well ahead in my work. I leaned back in my chair and I just knew that today was going to be a very long day.