Title: The White Moose
Author: Starrylizard
Rating: Complete crack, no spoilers, Gen, PG13 (for some swearing) Part 1 of 2
Words: 5,041
Summary: When Sam and Dean decide to check out a higher than usual road toll on a seemingly good stretch of highway, they find a slightly hysterical road accident victim and a very mad-looking, ghostly white moose. It's going to be a long night.
Notes: This started as a joke for Mistojen after a conversation involving moose and kangaroos, and which of the two makes more mess when it hits a car. Yes, Jen is so totally a Mary-Sue, but she's my own creation. I don't know Jen in real life. It's not my best written fic, but it cracked us up at the time, so hopefully others can get a giggle from it too. Also thanks to Rinne for taking the time to beta read this for continuity.

On to the crack...


Jen yawned, wishing she'd managed to get a little more sleep the previous night. She swiped her hand across her face and gripped the steering wheel a little tighter, staring at the seemingly endless piece of blacktop that stretched before her headlights. Thank goodness for strong coffee and the Linkin Park music blaring out her car sound system, because they were the only things keeping her awake.

The crackle and static of feedback suddenly blared through the car and Jen frowned, looking down at the CD player and giving it a tap. She looked back up just in time to see the moose, but without any time to do anything about it. "Holy shit!" She got a glimpse of sleek white pelt, red eyes and huge antlers, before she swerved, felt something hit the car, and then she was headed for a tree.


Jen groaned, opening her eyes to see leaves and branches in the car headlights. The engine was still rumbling gently and she reached down to turn it off. Unsnapping her seatbelt, she pushed the door open with a loud creak, and stumbled out of the car. Apart from the tree making a large dent in the front fender, it would seem the car wasn't so damaged. Maybe it would be salvageable? Not that her dad wouldn't take the opportunity to tell her how he'd told her she should buy a bigger car.

She'd managed to drive off the highway and into a ditch and it was obvious there was no way to get the car out without help. She snapped open her cell phone and let go some choice expletives – no signal. So, Jen pulled out her handbag and jacket, clutching at her ribs where the seatbelt had dug in (and, from the feel of it, probably left a damn ugly bruise) and started making her slow way back to the road. Maybe someone would be kind enough to give her a ride. Maybe?

Jen caught the moose out of the corner of her eye – the same big, white moose that should most definitely be smooshed all over her car, but was instead snorting as it pawed the ground. The moose lowered its head and pounded toward her. Jen let loose a terrified yell and began to run.


Somewhere on a highway just outside of Indiana, a black Chevy Impala positively purred as it ate up the mileage. Dean was making random humming noises and drumming the steering wheel to the beat of The Blue Oyster Cult, while Sam half-dozed in the passenger seat.

"Hey, Sam. Check the map, would you? I think we should be coming up on that accident black spot soon." Dean turned down the stereo just enough so that they didn't have to yell to hear each other.

Sam stretched, cracking his neck and looking bored as he snapped on the flashlight to study the map. "Yep. Pretty much anywhere along the next ten mile stretch of completely straight, well-maintained road." He sighed, snapped the flashlight off and yawned loudly before straightening up to watch the road.

Then the stereo turned to white noise and Sam's eyes widened as a woman ran across the road, screaming for help and followed closely by an opaque and very mad-looking white moose.

Sam blinked rapidly. "Dean, did you just see a ...?"

Dean pulled the Impala to a violent stop by the side of the road and reached back for another flashlight and a shotgun. "A white moose chasing a screaming, dark-haired chick?"

"Yeah." Sam reached for his own weapon and they slammed the car doors in tandem. "Thought maybe I was still asleep."

"Follow that moose!" Dean yelled, as they set off into the forest at a run.


"Where'd they go?" Dean stopped in his tracks and turned around slowly, lighting the surrounding forest with his flashlight. Sam followed suit.

"Heeeeeeeelp! Moooose! Aaaaaaaah!"

Both guys spun about to face the direction of the yelling and set off again at a run. They dodged tree branches and roots as they ran, finding themselves angling back toward the highway, before finally landing back on solid road.

The girl was there, now silent with fear as she stood her ground, obviously too exhausted to keep running. The moose snorted and pawed the ground, before lowering its head and charging towards her. The report of a shotgun filled the air and the moose vanished, its moosey spirit dispersed by the rock salt. Dean lowered his shotgun slowly.

"Seriously, what the hell, dude?" Dean's voice was rough from the running, but the comment was lost on Sam anyway.

The girl was bent over with her hands on her thighs as she heaved deep breaths. She looked pretty wobbly and Sam strode to her side and placed a hand gently on her shoulder. This close to her, he could hear her mumbling under her breath.

"Goddamn moose. What the hell? A freakin' moose," she grumbled, and Sam let out a chuckle.

His gentle laughter caused her to flinch and look up in a way that his touch hadn't. Her gaze was frightened.

"Hey, you're safe now. It's gone at least for the moment. You'll be all right." Sam squeezed her shoulder again.

"Thank you. I… Thank you!" She straightened up and latched onto Sam, pressing her face into his shirt as he wrapped an arm around her waist and self-consciously consoled her.

Over her head, Sam watched Dean as he made kissy faces, smirking happily at Sam's obvious discomfort and Sam glared back. Dean shook his head and grinned even harder, as he started to make his way toward them.

"Hey, Sammy. You want to introduce me to your new friend?"


Jen felt relieved tears well up and she squeezed her eyes shut, trying not to let them fall. Her face was pressed against a warm shirt, the calming smells of sweat and soap grounding her for a moment, before she realized what she was doing.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry." Jen pulled back and released the clingy hold she had on some poor guy she didn't even know; some guy that just helped save her life and now had a wet spot on his shirt from her tears. She settled for hugging her sore ribs with one arm and held the other hand out to Sam. "I'm Jen," she stated simply.

"Hey, don't worry about it." Sam grinned, shaking the proffered hand. "I'm Sam and that's my brother, Dean."

Dean nodded, a mischievous smirk on his face, as he asked, "Don't I get a thank you hug as well?"

Jen stared at Dean for a moment, as if trying to decide if he was joking, but Dean laughed and gently shook his head. "So how did you end up out here being chased by a moose, Jen?"

Jen shrugged and laughed nervously. "When you say it like that, it almost doesn't sound so weird. The short version is: I was driving, the moose came out of nowhere and I swerved. My poor car's further down the road in a ditch. Hit a tree, so I'll probably need a tow. Damn thing just appeared again and well, you know the rest." She shrugged again. "Your gun must've scared it off, I guess. Biggest damn moose I ever saw and those red eyes…"

This time, she shuddered, unconsciously shifting closer to Sam and he put an arm around her shoulders.

"Okay, well let's walk back to our car. It's not too far and we can give you a ride into the nearest town." Dean strode on ahead without waiting for an answer.

Jen nodded. "I'd appreciate that." She shifted closer into Sam's warmth as they began to walk. "Um, only thing is, could we stop at my car? I must've dropped my purse when the moose jumped me. I can't really do anything without it."

"Girls and their purses," Dean grumbled up ahead, before turning to walk backwards. "Sure thing, Jen. Not a problem."

Sam huffed slightly and he probably would have commented, but for the Impala coming into view.

"Your car?" Jen asked. "Nice!"

Dean beamed, and suddenly he was opening the back door and waving Jen in as if she was a Princess.


"Over there!" Jen leaned between the front seats and pointed off the road. The only sign a car was there was the set of burnt rubber tracks that were highlighted by the headlights.

The Impala rumbled to a halt and all three stepped out, doors creaking shut behind them. Dean and Sam raised their flashlights, highlighting Jen's car where it was firmly wedged against a tree a short way down a ditch.

"So where did you drop your purse?" Dean scanned the ground before them as he started to walk.

"Just near the car. The moose came from over there and I ran toward the road." Jen laughed self-consciously. "Moose, dear lord, I still can't believe this." She followed Dean as he moved toward the car, still scanning the ground for the missing purse.

Sam, following behind, looked up and stopped in his tracks. "Hey guys, what's that?"

"What's what, Sammy?" came Dean's uninterested reply.

"There's a light." With the flashlights all aimed down toward the ground, a faint light could be seen through the trees and Sam started walking towards it. "Let's check it out."

Dean looked up at that, spotting the light for himself. "Hey, wait up, Sam," he called, turning to follow his brother. He grabbed Jen loosely by the wrist, pulling her along behind him. "Stay close to me, okay?"

Jen furrowed her brow and nodded, allowing herself to be pulled along. She wasn't sure she wanted to be moving toward random lights in a forest inhabited by a crazy white moose, but she wasn't about to be left alone in one either.

Sam pushed past branches, quickly moving toward the light until a small hunting shack came into view. The light resolved itself into a warm glow that came from the only visible window. He came to a stop at the edge of the tree line and waited for Dean and Jen to catch up, but when they did Sam didn't turn around. He raised his hand in a signal for silence and continued to stare at something else that had his undivided attention – a ghostly white moose.

The moose pawed the ground, snorting loudly as it trotted in a line, back and forth in front of the shack door. It lowered its head and butted at the air, only to be repelled by an invisible force. It went back to pacing again.

Jen took an unsteady breath as she caught sight of the moose and she tugged at Dean's jacket and gave him a meaningful look. No way did she want to be here if that thing was around. Forget the purse, it wasn't worth life and limb. Dean just gave her a lazy smile and a placed a finger to his lips in a gesture to stay quiet. It was only then, with her attention now drawn away from the moose, that she noticed the brothers seemed to be having a silent conversation of their own – one that was built upon meaningful looks, shrugs, hand signals and facial expressions.

Jen watched, fascinated, as Dean waggled his eyebrows in the direction of the moose and lifted his shotgun. Sam pointed to the window and indicated his own height with a sweeping hand gesture. Dean silently acknowledged his brother's height advantage with a scowl and then mouthed the word "freak!" with a smirk. Sam made a bitch-face and then indicated Jen with a head tilt toward her, a frown and then a wave in the general direction of the car, before widening his eyes in question. Dean frowned and shook his head, pointing at Sam who rolled his eyes and sighed and then before Sam had a chance to argue any further Dean moved off and disappeared into the trees, circling around behind them.

"Here, moosey, moosey moosey!" Dean's voice came from around the other side of the shack and, as Jen and Sam watched, the moose's ears twitched and it looked up, snorting and pawing the ground, before it trotted toward the voice.

"Wait here," Sam whispered to Jen and he moved forward quickly and quietly, keeping himself low as he angled toward the window.

When he reached it, Sam straightened up and peered into the shack. The window afforded a good view of the main room and he could see that the warm light was coming from several oil lamps that hung around the room. There were two over-stuffed arm chairs surrounding the remains of a small fire in the hearth, but it seemed that whoever lived in the shack was either already asleep or had gone out. What caught Sam's eye though, was sitting apart from the fireplace. Tucked right into the corner of the room, where it was hidden by shadows, sat a low table. Several candles and a silver bowl sat upon it, along with other bits and pieces that he couldn't identify – but could probably guess what they were with fair accuracy – and above the table hung a large set of moose antlers.

"Gotcha!" Sam whispered.

The sound of a shotgun firing filled the air and suddenly there was a flurry of movement inside. A short, scruffy man emerged and hurriedly pulled on a jacket before storming outside, muttering something about "idiot hunters." Sam stilled and flattened against the wall, but the man didn't even look his way.

Sam watched the man until he was out of sight and then made his way to the door. Slipping a pick from his back pocket, he made quick work of the lock. A gentle push and the door opened. Sam peered inside carefully before taking a step. He heard a familiar crunch as he moved and he gently lifted his foot and stepped over the thick line of salt that ringed the room, careful not to disturb it any further.

"Sam? Sam, what are you doing?" Jen came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. "Did you just pick the lock?"

"The guy must have left it unlocked," Sam lied easily. "Just stay close and don't touch anything."

"But what are you doing?"

"We're getting rid of the moose."


Sam sighed. "It's a ghost, Jen. A spirit. And from the looks of it, that altar is the reason the moose's spirit is back. Looks like somebody has been busy playing with summoning rituals." He moved inside, waving Jen in behind him before closing the door.

Jen gave Sam a worried look, but carefully stepped inside, as Sam directed.

"Look, Sam. I don't mean to burst your bubble here, but there's no such thing as ghosts. I was chased by a moose – a weird moose, maybe an albino or something, but a moose. I really appreciate you rescuing me and all, but can we go now?"

Sam ignored Jen's protests, moving instead to the altar in the corner and lighting it up with his flashlight. There were traces of blood in the bowl, along with several blood-stained white hairs. Next to the bowl was some sort of ceremonial knife and a small stack of papers. Sam shifted the knife and let the flashlight play over the papers. What was written there made him groan and swipe a hand across his face tiredly. Intrigued, Jen moved so that she could read over his shoulder.

The first printout was from the website and was titled: Summoning Spirits for Dummies.

Enochian invocations and summoning rituals are the most usual method of spiritual necromancy. This step-by-step guide will explain the basic tools that the necromancer needs to conjure a spirit back into the mortal realm – from talismans and correct Enochian pronunciations to conjuration rights and the importance of maintaining proper salt circles.

Sam groaned again, occasionally stopping to smack himself in the forehead as he flipped through the rest of the guide's pages. "It really is a how-to guide. That's just so irresponsible!"

He paused on a print out of an IM conversation. Jen reached across to stop Sam's hand as it began its arc back toward his face once more and she began to skim-read the page for herself.

MooseUprising: good morning

MagicMark: Hey!

MooseUprising: i've been reading your guide, but i was wondering if i need to change anything to use it for conjuring animal spirits

MooseUprising: you know instead of human ones??

MagicMark: Good question, Moose! :)

MagicMark: It should still work for animal conjuration, provided u have the bones and blood/hair from the animal. Animal spirits don't often remain in our realm tho and are often pretty pissed when re-animated, so u better be careful.

MooseUprising: *nods*

MagicMark: Pay close attention to the sections on salt lines and be very sure your talisman is safe at all times. You don't want to lose control of a pissed off spirit.

MooseUprising: shall do.

MagicMark: Hey did you catch the game on Friday, Moose?

MooseUprising: yeah, good 1 huh…

"What the hell is going on here, Sam?" Jen blinked, scanning the page again.

Sam turned to face Jen and she realized she was still holding his arm and slowly released it. His big green eyes were completely sincere when he stared into hers.

"I'm not totally sure why, but some guy conjured a moose," he said.

Jen opened her mouth to protest this completely illogical argument again when the door suddenly burst open and the man who they'd watch leave the shack earlier strode inside. Sam automatically moved in front of Jen and assumed a loose fighting stance, but it was apparently unnecessary. The stranger had his hands laced behind his head and was followed closely by Dean with a shotgun.

"Hey, Sam, Jen. Miss me?"