Thank You Laurajaexo for being so awesome and taking her time to Edit this for me.


When I originally found out my news, I was completely startled because it was the last thing I'd ever expected to happen to me. But it was the one piece of news that could strengthen my epiphany I had a few weeks ago. This news gave me the courage to get my life back on track and to change my life for the better.

I got dressed and drove to his house. For the first time, I was not going to him to find comfort because I had a problem. I need his help, but I was going to him to give my good news. But before I get to that, maybe I should give you the back story so you can understand what lead me to even have this revelation about my life.

When I was at the ripe age of four, I met my lifelong best friends Edward, Alice and Emmett Cullen. Edward actually was Esme sister's Elizabeth Masen son but when both his parents died when he was three, Esme and Carlisle took him in as one of their own. Out of the three, I was the closest to Edward. For some reason I was drawn to him. We were two peas in a pod and while Alice liked playing with her Barbie's and Emmett with his video games, Edward always entertained me with his love of music, reading and art which happen to be my interest as well.

Esme and Carlisle had signed him up for piano lessons and I wanted to learn too, but my parents couldn't afford it. So whenever Edward came back from his lessons he taught me whatever he had just learned and even though I know how to play now, I was nowhere near as great as he is.

Once the fighting between my parents started when I was about ten, my parents began fighting more and more. So to escape the constant bickering I would sneak over to the Cullens house and crawl into Edward's bed to sleep. There were times when both my father and mother would take their frustration they'd for each other out on me by beating me or talking down on me.

My parents were smart about the abuse whenever they were to hit because my bruises would never be in visible places. Whenever I went over to the Cullens I would just crawl up into a ball and cry myself to sleep while Edward tried to soothe me even though he never knew the reason why I was crying.

As I look back now, I've realized that was my first mistake because they didn't find out the magnitude of abuse I was going through until I was about the age of 15 and it was by accident they found out.

It was during gym class and I normally waited before all the girls leave the locker room before changing. When I saw no one was in the locker room anymore I began to change into my gym clothes. As I was changing, I heard a gasp that came from behind me. I slowly turned to see Alice standing right behind me.

I remember her words clear as day "Oh my god Bella who did that to you? I'm going to go find Edward and get to the bottom of this." Edward was always so protective of me and I tried to shield this from him; so I pleaded with Alice not to tell anyone but my pleading fell on death's ears.

Next thing I knew both Emmett and Edward were interrogating saying they'll hurt the monster that gave me these bruises on my back but instead of doing the noble thing, I lied and blamed it on my klutziness. Alice and Emmett believed my lies easily, but Edward wasn't. He always said my facial expressions, the tone of my voice and the things I do with my eyes makes me an open book.

Edward did not let Alice and Emmett know I was lying to them. Instead, he gave me the one thing he knew I needed at that moment: a reassuring hug letting me know he's there for me always. That night when I crawled into his bed, he told me "Bella I protected your secret in school because I saw your fear and embarrassment. But I would not be a good friend to you if I sit back and do nothing. It kills me to see you so broken every night and not once did I ask the reasons why I just comfort you. But after today, I know why and I not going to sit around while they continue to destroy you."

Mistake number two: instead of opening up to Edward, I took my anger and frustration out on him when he was just trying to be the loyal and supportive friend. So me being the stupid person that I was, I stood up smack him in the face and yelled "Minded your god damn business Cullen. They're my parents and I love them, despite their faults and they're all I have and I wouldn't betray their trust."

Boy was I a idiot for saying that as I think back on it.

I did not wait for his response because I stormed out his house and went back to my house and slept, well attempted to sleep, in a bed I haven't slept in over the last five years.

Edward's parents came over the next morning to speak to my parents and that just made things worse between my parents and me. I didn't know which sort of abuse was worse; my father's physical or my mother's verbal. After that day, I avoid all the Cullens like a plague because I felt so betrayed by them. Over the course of the next few weeks, whenever one of them tried to approach me, I would ignore them or walk the opposite direction.

Every night when I got home, I would be angry and disgusted with myself for shutting them out that I would forcefully throw up the contents in my stomach. It brought me comfort, but no matter what I did, I could not escape the loneliness. I knew I was hurting myself by continuing to push them away and doing the things I started doing, but I had too much pride to approach them; especially after my behavior and for spazzing out on Edward.

Over the course of the next 6 months, I still did not find the courage to approach and apologize to the Cullens, nor did they stop trying. But silly me kept telling myself they're only doing this out of pity. I mean seriously, how could anyone care for me? My own parents told me everyday how worthless I was. I took my parents abuse with stride and continued to slip further into depression, throwing up my food. I found a new source of comfort to deal with the loneliness. I started drinking; yes, I, Isabella, Swan became an alcoholic at the age of 15.

In addition, I came to realize the more I drank, the more numb I became and that the pain did not phase me when I was drunk; that lead to another horrible trait: I began cutting myself on my inner thigh. The weird part about all this was that I have a low tolerance for blood, but whenever I did this it was like some kind of gratification being release and I was euphoric.

My behavior was definitely spiraling out of control. I went from weighing 120 pounds down roughly to about 85-90 pounds. Once I started hanging out with the guys from the Rez, rumors started going around about me that I was "The Rez whore". They even ran trains on me nightly. My favorite rumor was that my rapid weight loss was because I had AIDS. I never spoke up for myself so even though the rumors were false. People always assumed they were true. I heard that Edward and Emmett fought some of the guys at school whenever they talked badly about me. Alice even broke Lauren Mallory and Jessica Stanley's noses.

Even when I kept pushing them away, they kept defending me and my honor. Their actions made me feel even more of a coward. One day, I was sitting on the bathroom floor and I let everything out, not even aware that someone had entered the bathroom until I felt someone cradle me up in their lap and rocked me back and forth like I was an infant.

Through the tears I saw it was Edward that was cradling me and Alice and Emmett were either rubbing circles in my back or holding my hand telling me, "It's okay to cry Bella. Let everything out we're here no matter what forever and always."

Shortly after, Carlisle and Esme showed up. When Carlisle tried to take me out of Edward's embrace, I screamed, "no I need him please don't let me go Edward."

"Shhh Bella, its okay I'll carry you to the car," Edward said. Before leaving the bathroom, I felt a pinch in my arm before I fell into a deep sleep.

I woke up feeling out of it and sore. I realized I was nestled in someone's chest. I looked up and saw Edward staring down on me with sadness in his eyes. He tried to give me a reassuring smile, but it never touched his eyes. Even in the safety of his arms, I still couldn't bring myself to apologize, so I continued to stare into his eyes trying to show him that I was sorry for causing him pain, but also thanking him for being here with me. Edward knows me too well because he just nodded his head and no words were spoken between us.

Carlisle and Esme informed Child Services about my parents and asked if I could be placed with them. However, Child Services did not do much being that my father was the Chief of Police. They believed him when he told them I was accident-prone and all my bruises are self-inflicted, which my cutting proved his lies.

Even though they did believe his lies about not abusing me, they did inform my parents that they failed to protect me by not noticing my malnourishment and self-destructive behavior. As far as me going to live with the Cullens, Child Services thought it would be in my best interest that I be placed in foster care but being that the Cullens were next door neighbors to my parents, it would not be wise to place me with them.

Child Services, being the idiots that they are ended up placing me in a foster home that was worst than living with my actual parents. The Nomads were the worst foster parents imaginable and I was beaten to the point where I was unconscious. One night I snuck out and had Edward pick me up so I could sleep in his bed and when I tried sneaking in the next morning, I received the worst beaten every time. The Nomads eventually nailed my window shut, took my bedroom door off and forbade any type of contact with the Cullens and threaten Edward's life. I feared the Nomads so much that I believed them because if you looked at the things they could do to me, I can only imagine what they'll do to Edward. I ended up dropping out of high school, which guaranteed no contact with the Cullens. I practically became a live-in slave to the Nomads.

I got a fulltime job and even though I received a paycheck every week not once did I get to see it because I had to give it to the Nomads immediately. Dropping out of school was a blessing in disguise because it made the Cullens suspicious and they took Child Services to court, attempting to get custody of me. I remembered the day Edward saved me.

James, one of the Nomads' older sons, had to pick me up from work because I was not allowed to go anywhere myself for they feared I'll run off.

He had just pulled up with a bunch of his friends and I could smell the alcohol on them. They started pulling my hair, slapping me, and calling me all sorts of degrading words. Edward just happen to be driving to the store. The next thing I knew, Edward, Emmett, and a few of their friends were fighting James and his friends. The police were called and were going to arrest Edward, Emmett, and their friends, but I pleaded with the cops for them not to. They were only defending me from getting beaten and hurt.

The cops ask me if they could give me a ride somewhere once they had James and his friends in the back of the police cars. I knew this was my chance for freedom. For once in my life, I actually manned up and told them that Emmett was my brother he would take me home. Once I was at the Cullens' house, they immediately called their lawyers and had an emergency hearing so I could be place under their care.

The courts eventually approved that not only do I get to live with the Cullens, but since my parents signed over their parental rights, the Cullens could adopt me as well. I should have been happy, but I caused so much damage that I was nothing but an empty shell. I refused to go back to school so Esme homeschooled me and I generally just stayed in my room.

Whenever anyone would come into the room to try to talk, I only responded when asked a question. Never volunteering too much information that was not pertaining to what I was being asked. When I had nightmares, I would sometimes crawl into bed with Edward. He never asked any questions.

The Cullens eventually decided that I needed therapy, but that turned out to be a waste because all I did for an hour was sit around and stare at the walls. After everything I'd been through, it was too hard for me to let anyone in. The only person who saw glimpses of my old self was Edward, but those were rare occasions.

When I was 17, I received my diploma due to my advance level of being homeschooled. I decided that I needed to get away to find myself. The Cullens felt that maybe I should wait till Edward finished high school in a year, but I told them "I need to learn how to have a life and trust others outside of my comfort zone."

That was the first time Edward proclaimed his love for me, but Edward deserved someone who is whole and not broken, someone better than me and most important someone who could love him back fully.

I let Edward down gently, "Edward you're the greatest friend I could've ever ask for, but I know someone there is someone out there for you that's going to love you completely, but that someone is not me Edward."

Edward told me that I just had to open my eyes and I would see that all I want is here with him and the rest of his family. Part of me wanted to believe it, but a bigger part of me knew it was unrealistic.

"Edward I love you, really, I do; but not the way you want me to. I come with too much baggage and I would hate myself if you and I were in a relationship and you woke up one morning tired of my shit and kick me to the curb."

Edward continued pleading with me all that week right up until it was time for me to leave.

But all I just kept saying was "just let me go please Edward" as I said good-bye to everyone else. Edward hung in the back crying silently and at the moment I wished I could be the person he wanted me to be. But it was also in that moment that I realized I could never be that person, because that was not the first time I caused him to look so sad and hopeless.

I closed the distance between him and I and wiped his tears telling him, "you see Eddie, if I was her, she wouldn't be causing those tears."

He gave me a weak smile saying, "you are her you just don't realize it yet." Before I could speak Edward captured my face between his hands and attacked my lips with the most passionate kiss ever. It was my first kiss ever. I tried to fight it, but I figured I might as well give this to him at least, so I responded. I broke the kiss apart and made the mistake of looking into his eyes. It broke my heart because I saw nothing but love. I felt his love in the kiss, but he deserved better. I gave him a light peck on his lips and said, "goodbye Eddie I love you."

As I turned around and walked away I heard him say, "Too bad not enough to make you stay."

After I left, I cried many nights of loneliness wishing I was back home in Forks with Edward and the rest of the Cullens, but I had to prove to myself I could make it without them. During my first few months away, I sent them bogusly cheerful emails. I could lie so easily writing, oppose to actually speaking to someone.

During this time away, for the first year at college, I felt extremely lonely, but I refused to go home because it would show I was a failure and that I couldn't do anything without the Cullens, especially Edward. My roommate was highly into partying than she was when it came to academics. It was her who got me into drugs, but none of the drugs were too heavy. One thing I do want to make clear is even though my life was wild and out of control, I had morals. When I say I have morals, I mean that even with everything that I did, I refused to fully give myself to anyone. So yes the depressed girl searching for herself who happens to also be bulimic, a formal cutter, an alcoholic and a occasional drug user (weed, speed, X), and is still a virgin, still has some type of morals.

I eventually dropped out of college after just one academic year and not because I had poor grades, I managed to maintain a 3.0 GPA, but I felt like college was holding me back from life. Yes, I was that stupid and naive that I thought I was too good for college. The Cullens did not approve of this decision but what could they possibly do? I was an adult. So even though they did not want to, they supported my decisions.

I ended up travelling the Continental USA and meeting two people who will eventually play a pivotal role in my life. I also started dating random guys and bringing some of them home to the Cullens' household and they of course did not approve, especially when some of these guys turned abusive and controlling.

During these times, whenever I was having issues, I eventually started relying heavily on Edward, because he was my escape from the pain. His door was always open. But when he told me to "leave these assholes," I just told him I couldn't, "I love them". Yeah my answers were always along those lame lines. This routine went on for at least 4 years and one time I came home to see one of them cheating, so I ended up getting plastered on Edward's door in the pouring rain.

It was at this time I had an epiphany of sorts but I wasn't sure if it was because of the alcohol or what so I isolated myself from Edward, Alice and Emmett. Only Carlisle and Esme knew what I was up to though because I had to confide somewhat into someone. It was during this time I started seeing things more clearly and it was always during this time that I lead to an unbelievable discovery, which brings us somewhat full circle in my previously fucked up life you'll learn more along the way.

So you see, I was a fucked up individual and I came to realize almost 4 years later that ever since then, I was looking for what I already had with Edward and the Cullens. What does that mean you may ask? The answer is simple I was already home. I was just too blind by my fears, insecurities and past to see it. Even the lyrics to the song sums up everything I've ever felt.

Packed my bags and kissed your cheek

Turned around so I didn't see you cry, you cry

Sometimes you just can't explain

The reasons why you have to say goodbye, goodbye

It took something, it took falling,

It took distance, it took time,

It took a lot of getting lost to realize

I was already home, right where I was supposed to be

You were right in front of me

I was not alone

I was already home, sometimes you're too close to see

the one thing that you really need has been there all along

it took leaving you to know, I was already home

It took a long long road to see,

what matters most in life to me was gone was gone

but I thought what I was looking for

was right here waiting at your door

I was wrong, so wrong

It took tumbling, it took falling,

It took distance, it took time,

It took a lot of getting lost to realize

I was already home, right where I was supposed to be

You were right in front of me

I was not alone

I was already home, sometimes you're too close to see

the one thing that you really need has been there all along

It took leaving you to know, I was already home

I was so caught up in the thrill of

something different something, something new,

it took a lot of missing you to see the truth

I was already home, right where I was supposed to be

You were right in front of me

I was not alone

I was already home, sometimes you're too close to see

the one thing that you really need has been there all along

it took leaving you to know, I was already home

It took leaving you to know

I was already home

I was already home

Ha Ash