Hey kids … Well this is from the heart this one :S … Killer lol … Erm yeah … Kinda on a downer and this I what is going on in my life at the moment lmao … Just thought wow well if I'm poring my emotion out, should be at least on fanfic :P

ChrisxJeff as most times :P

Disclaimer: No Chris no Jeff No anyone … All they do in their lives is true this is all fake :P

ON WITH IT!

Jeff POV

One more kiss could be the best thing
Or one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And your not something I deserve

Why?

How stupid could I really be to fuck this up in such a simple way and make it so complicated? I thought this was what I wanted, you know?

Time by myself no one to answer to, to be honest I never had to answer to anyone at all anyways, I just thought I did.

Everything was awesome. Everything was cool, we had a great thing going on … I'm just to much of a pussy to admit the fact that I like someone a lot more than it seems. To scared to take a chance.

I can fall from ladders, break through tables and dance like no one is watching, but I can't throw myself into one of the best things I have ever had in my life.

… I had a friend.

I don't deserve him, but I have a friend.

I just want him there, I want to kiss him all day all night, feel safe all the time but I can't do that dive that he can.

… But I guess I fucked that up didn't I?


In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
And you love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, let me go

He is in there, he is my head constantly and it's only been one day … One fucking day! I thought this is what I wanted, this freedom, no even slight connection of a boyfriend … Well I was wrong with that. I hate the term boyfriend … But I do care for him so much.

He knows I care … I just don't think he understands. He knows I want my space, which he gave me. He knows I need my time, which he gave me plenty of. He gave me everything I needed all the time but I don't think he understood it. Still doesn't I guess.

Chris … He cares so much … I love him … But I can't, I can't take that jump … I don't want to lose him … I just wish he knew the real me then maybe he would understand.

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
And I know what I'm going through

FLASHBACK

"What the hell is your problem?"

"Nothing"

"Are you mad at me?"

"Maybe"

"Look Chris, I don't have time for games, are you pissed off?"

"It would seem that way"

"Why? … Why are you pissed off at me? … 'Cos of that guy?"

"Got it in one"

"It meant nothing Chris, it was a joke on, Me Trish and that guy it's no biggy! … I didn't even know him"

"That makes it better?"

"Is it 'Cos it was in front of you?"

"Yeah, that stung a little, yeah"

"So what if you didn't see we would be okay?"

"I came out tonight just to see if I could catch a glimpse of you before you went off to dance, we haven't seen each other in a while and I thought it would be nice"

"It was nice, but it was just a joke"

"If I didn't see it, that would have been okay, but it was in front of me"

"I'm sorry"

"I just want to know if there is more here than this … Or am I just been taken for a ride, I have already asked you out but you needed time"

"NO! … You are not been taken for a ride, I care to much for you to fuck you over"

"I know I care for you too, I just want to know where I stand"

"I can't have a boyfriend at the moment Chris, my head is fucked up something bad. I'm a fuck up, I fuck everything up, I don't mean to, I just get scared push people away and fuck things up, this Is why I can't get into a relationship right now"

"Then that's all I need to know"

…… "I'm sorry"

"You don't have to be sorry"

"I'm so sorry I hurt you"

"Take it on the chin, you know? … It hurt for like a second then I was over it … I'm sorry for storming out"

"You had a right to, I'm so sorry, I just can't chance our friendship"

"What?"

"All relationships I have been in, I lose them. I lose best friends who I care for and need in my life, I can't chance losing you … I need you in my life … I'm not riskling that over 5 months of a relationship"

"What if we stay friends after?"

"I can not risk that … I care for you to much to even chance that, you are one of the only people I would kill and die for … I need you hear and I wont risk anything with it"

"Okay"

"I'm so sorry"

"Don't be … Be cool"

"Still friends?"

"Yeah don't be stupid, I'm always here for you … No matter what"

"Can I still come with you to get your tattoo done?"

"Of Corse you can"

"I love you so much"

"I love you so much too"

, In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
And you love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, just let me go, let me go

Then he hugged me and we went back inside and we carried on drinking … All outside a bar. From the minute I saw that I couldn't cuddle him when I want or hold him, or go to him for a kiss. I felt so alone. I don't have that one person I can go to who can keep me safe and feel loved. I thought it was what I wanted. With work and life I didn't have time for a relationship plus I never thought I wanted to get tied down … But … I just stand there bottle in hand knowing that yeah I may have the chance to score with anyone here, but I don't want to … They don't care … Not like him.

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside
I know, I know
But all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows, who knows

I hate it, this is what I wanted, it's been one day and all I want is him, all I have been thinking about is him. When I see something it reminds me of him. I need him there, I actually miss him, I never miss him. I'm to "strong and independent" for that. Yet after our emotional talk outside a bar he saw me breakdown and held me … He still held me … After everything he held me and told me we will always be friends and we will hang out and that he will always be there for me.

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, just let me go

I fuck up. That is all I do. I can't let that happen with out friendship. We kissed, we took different steps and all but still. I thought I wanted this. I just never thought while sitting by myself and listing to song can remind me of him, of our situation and how much I fuck up. How much I care, and how much I want to be close to him.

I hurt him … I didn't mean to.

I loved him … I didn't mean to.

I want him hear … I didn't mean to let that happen either.

(you don't know)
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
(you don't know)
You love me but you don't know who I am

(you don't know)
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
(you don't know)
You love me but you don't know me

I just wish he could see how amazing he is to me. He is everything to me. He is just the perfect boyfriend for me, but I can't fuck up our friendship … That is what I'm scared of the most … Losing him … Which I just essentially did … I can't let myself get into a relationship which will end badly and I lose one of the most amazing people in my life.

Would it ever be Jeff and Chris again?

Well … Either way I do lose him. I lose him in the since it isn't the same as it was, but I lose him if we end up been together. I just have to work out what I need, what I want and what will hurt less. I know I want him … This was meant to be so easy … Let him go and no one will get hurt. But I made him let me go and it was meant to ease the stress and the pain … But when I was with him kind of, sort of, a little bit …

… Was I ever listing to songs and thinking of him? … Was I ever in this much pain?

… I thought this was what I wanted … But … Maybe I was wrong.

READ AND REVIEW!!!!

Right … This came from the heart … It rolled on to the page.

Please Read and review tell me what you think. Maybe a sequel … You never know … I still want to find out about it really … Thanks guys  xoxox