I Should Have Never Thought

By Eylash of the Twilight

A/N: Ok, this is my very first Sheelos and my very first fanfiction ever, so...um...please be honest about everything and let me know what you think...don't judge the length; this is just the prologue. The actual chapters are so much longer than this; I'll post the first when I'm done typing it. Please review and tell me what you think of the beginning!

Song: I Caught Myself by Paramore


"...Now, when I caught myself,
I had to stop myself from saying something
That I should've never thought.
Now, when I caught myself,
I had to stop myself from saying something
That I should've never thought of you--of you..."

The almighty choice is the solitary force gripping the compass of the human destiny. By listening to the soothing guidance of the heart, decisions can be made to temporarily—more than likely, permanently—alter the course of anyone's kismet; no being, no matter how vast the earthly power, is exempt. That choice, often taken blithely, can make or break. It can lead to tender happiness or malicious sorrow, both results contingent on the contents of the situation. Unforgettable. Inescapable. Eternal. Believing in the chance of outwitting such divine intervention makes one a fool; most, if not all, meet their fate while taking the path to avoid it. The only thing that could possibly give the inevitable destiny inferior quality would know the outcome before the decision could be made.

I suppose I could have called myself a victim of that evil.

I knew of my future all too well, for I had chosen it. Admittedly, I had plunged into the whole situation with blind eyes, never once considering the result of the verdict my people had come to. My heart had been drunk on the notion of being finally acknowledged among those who had shunned me since my slip up when I was a child. The obligations, the responsibilities, the sacrifices—those did not come to mind during my definite acceptance speech. I wanted all of it, then. I wanted to be the chief of Mizuho. The repetition of that phrase over and over in my words and head falsely convinced me that I would sacrifice anything for it.

I found out later there were things I wasn't willing to sacrifice.

I had to double take when I realized it. I had to catch myself and step outside the Sheena Fujibayashi that I knew well to decipher everything; where the lies were, where the truth was...I had to see the raw, hideous veracity about what was going on within and out of me. I hated it. I hated what I felt because, at the time, I thought I was wrong. I felt disgraced to have to know about what I had been feeling; I was the one who had to shoulder all of the blame, no matter who it was involved. I longed for nothing more than for it to go away and never come back.

But I didn't have the strength to push it away.

And after that agonizing stretch of placing the liability on me, I came to the ultimate recognition of what the actual reality was.

I knew what I needed in what way.

I knew what I didn't need in what way.

But what I needed was so much different then what I wanted.

Because I wanted him.

I falsely believed that everything would work out perfectly in the end.

How wrong I was.

And I all remember thinking was just one, meaningless phrase.

'...I should have never thought...'