A/N: With all the self-inserts that are popping up it seemed only natural that someone would decide to do the complete opposite of a self-insert. Thus begins Tales of a Parody of a Self Insert.
Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of Symphonia or Chuck Norris
At school, I was always the awesome one. I was captain of the football team, basketball team, and about any other team, I decided to join. My grades were always straight A's. I couldn't see how some people thought advanced Calculus was hard. Anyone with half a brain could do it in their sleep. Moreover, all those wimps on the sports teams, they think that bench-pressing 500 pounds is hard. It was almost getting boring, destroying anyone at anything I tried. I decided to see if video games would give me a challenge. They did not. Most games I could beat in half the time it took any other person. The only game I found somewhat interesting was Tales of Symphonia. While even on maniac, mode with half exp is was too easy for me although I must admit the story was good and with my amazing brain, I memorized every line I saw.
One day I found even more board after I defeated the captain of the chess team in two moves. I was pulling my car down the road after it wouldn't start while my girl friend was inside steering it. I do not get why they won't let pedestrians run on the freeway, even when they can keep up with traffic. I guess it didn't matter since I and my girl friend would be home soon anyway. Even though I had thought this almost a hundred times, I was sure that this babe was the hottest one in the world.
As I was walking along the road, I heard a strange voice. With an Italian accent, it said, "So you think this life is too boring? Let's have some fun with that". As it said that a bringt light engulfed me. The bright blue light surrounded me. When the light departed, I found my self before a large building. I could hear fighting and saw a swordsman charging at me. Before he could slice his sword at me, I punched him in the face. Just like when ever I do it at school, the swordsman flew back and hit his helmet against the tall building.
I looked behind me and saw a swordsman in red fighting another swordsman just like the one I had punched. With the help of a yellow haired girl with strange spinning objects, and a small white haired boy, the swordsman in red won. From behind us, a large man with a big spinning spiked ball approached us. I then realized that I had somehow been transported into Tales of Symphonia. This could be fun.
The three kids ran up to try to help me but I needed none. The man launched the ball at me, which I countered with my fist. The ball shattered and the man began to run away. I chased the man and then tied his arms and legs in a knot and rolled him down the stairs. As the man hit the bottom of the steps Kratos approached us. He explained about his role as a mercenary and all his other lies. He saw my combat abilities and asked me to come with the chosen though the temple. I wasn't sure why he let Genis and Lloyd come but I guess I couldn't stop them.
"What is your name," Kratos asked me.
"Chuck, Chuck Norris" I responded.
We then continued into the temple. We reached the door that in the game they needed the sorcerer's ring to open. To their surprise, my fist worked just as well. We walked though the transporter thing and ended up in the other room. Remial came down, bestowed upon Collette the cruxis crystal, and then began to give his speech about saving the world. It was at this point I decided to have a little fun. I walked up to Remial as he was talking and roundhouse kicked him in the face. He then crashed into the ground and died. Kratos was about to say something before I stopped him.
"Save it Kratos," I said putting up my hand. I know as well as you that you are going to betray us, that you are a member of Cruxis. Oh by the way Lloyd, Kratos is your father." Kratos was aghast that I knew all of this and even more so when I roundhouse kicked him through the ceiling. My guess was that he would hit Deris-Karlan within the hour.
I then walked over to Collette and placed my hands on her shoulders. I looked deeply into her eyes. We then proceeded to strip and have hot passionate sex on the alter. Lloyd and Genis were shocked to say the least.
"What are you doing!" Lloyd screamed at me
"You're just jealous you didn't do it first," I responded.
"I can't believe I'm seeing this," Genis commented.
"I guess today is when you loose you childish innocence," I said.
Soon after Collette and I finished, we put our clothes back on and the four of us continued out of the temple. We ran into Raine who was studying the rocks. I remembered about the spanking Lloyd and Genis would receive. I thought I might have owed them for scarring them for life so I went up to Raine and began making out with her. During this enjoyable five-minuet process, she seemed to forget about her anger with the boys.
A/N: You are probably wondering what I was thinking when I wrote this and if so that is expected. If I get reviews with good idea for more chapters, I may write them but for now, I cannot think of anything.