Chapter: I haven't worked on this story for so long I have no idea what chapter number I'm on.
Disclaimer: This chapter is sponsored by colds and Nyquil. It was also written in two parts separated by about 8 months.
We now join our heroes, who have been recently separated by the will of the author and the law of rising tension that dictates for major battles the heroes must be split up allowing each one of them to face their own challenges and overcome all that has hurt them in the past.
So, let's start off with the battle of Stacy vs Mary Sue.
"I won't lose," Stacy said pulling out her pointy weapons of doom and swinging them at Mary. However, Mary pulled out a text book to block the coming attack, leaving her completely unharmed. "I thought Tiger was the only one to use text books as weapons."
"Ah, but remember my dear. I am his muse. His superior fan-girl one at that. So while his methods of using calculus books to fight with is quite crude, I decided to enhance that, instead using the power of biology to smite my foe.
"Biology. The most accursed of all the natural sciences," Stacy sneered. "But no matter, for I triumphed over that class, and just like that I will triumph over you." Channeling all her hatred of this most wretched subject, she focused lightning through her one sword and blasted Mary with it, however, once more the biology book deflected her attack.
"Now die by the knowledge of mitosis!" Mary swung her book at Stacy, who having much practice avoiding homework, easily dodged it. With a quick movement, Stacy was able to wrap the ribbon of Silver Wind around Mary's ankle, and then slammed the too perfect of character to the ground.
Mary got up, seemingly unfazed by the attack. However, the tears streaming down her face indicated that something was terribly wrong. Normally Stacy would be concerned about this, but due to the fact that she was a terrible person and hated Sues like Mary, she just smiled a sweet smile of victory.
"My toe. You chipped the polish on my big toe. Do you know how many years that took me to get perfect? Do you know how much blood sweat and tears went through it? Do you know how many lives had to be sacrificed to get the hues to shine just right under a midnight sky? And you would have the audacity to ruin them all. Well, I won't have some low class Canadian hick have her way here, rampaging in like the uncivilized barbarian she is. I mean, just look at you. You walk to school up hill in ten feet of snow each way to go to school, sit in your Tim Horton's discussing your latest moose sightings on the one road in Canada, and you think you can just make me look like a fool without some serious consequences. I will make you feel the pain worse than a thousand split ends on the morning of your prom!"
Stacy didn't have any words for that. She certainly was Tiger's muse, had his randomness gene. If that was even a gene. Well, she wasn't in biology anymore, so any information about that had long slipped from her mind.
Instead, she readied her blades for another attack, having no idea what type of attack this insane fan-girl would throw at her next. She thought about arguing the absurdness of those stereotypes, but was sure anyone from America wouldn't understand the national pride that filled her heart and she would make those who trounced on her forefathers homes pay for their ignorance.
Mary Sue then ran at Stacy, throwing her text book to the side, and with moves too fast for anyone wearing high heels to ordinarily be able to do, she kicked Stacy in the shin with her one heal before spinning and punching Stacy in the chin. Stacy tried jumping back, however using a completely underhanded yet effective attack, Mary-Sue reached out and grabbed Stacy's hair and slammed her into the ground.
"Now now, you're not going anywhere. Well, not unless I say you are. Now, secret ninja reverse summoning art of the alchemist circle of doom!" Mary slammed her hand into the ground, and the two of them vanished into a bright light.
When the light faded, and Stacy could see where she was, she saw she was on a great vast land, where the ground was dark, and she felt a chill all across her body.
"Now, there will be no escape," Mary said from a short distance away.
"Where are we?" Stacy asked, not expecting an answer containing any more than 47% logic.
"We are fighting on a field of ice-cream of course. Because as they always say, revenge is sweet, and revenge is a dish best served cold, so revenge is ice-cream. So this is the perfect place to have our awe inspiring and totally cool fight to the death."
Stacy shivered just a bit, not knowing she'd need to dress for a place like this.
"Oh, what's this? Is my frigid little Canadian cold here? Please, you're more pathetic than Britney after she got that nose job from the hung-over doctor."
While Stacy was sure that would be an amusing story to here, she had better things to do. Like watch anime or find other anime/manga characters to fan-girl over.
"Fine then, let's add some hot fudge." Pulling a giant red button out of her back pocket, Mary hit it, talking into the microphone that was on it as she did so. "All right Zack, time to dump your load."
"No need, I did that before I got behind the wheel of this thing."
"The chocolate topping!"
"Oh that. Why didn't you just say so?"
Stacy looked around, waiting for the incoming attack. However, if she was smart, she'd take this chance to attack while Mary-Sue was wide open. However, because Tiger's stories are anime inspired, and it breaks rule 6 of anime combat to stop an opponent from unleashing their ultimate attack, Stacy stood there like a fan-girl who just got to shake hands with the guy who voices her favorite character of all time.
Then it happened.
The most illogical option of all, the bizarre of the bizarre, the thing that not even Tiger's late night writing sessions could create. A motorcycle came flying onto the scene, leaping through the air like a jackrabbit after eating ten galleons of hot coffee. Mary-Sue didn't see the attack coming, because just like the Spanish Inquisition, no one expects Haruko Haruhara from the insanely random anime FLCL to show up on her bike, running Mary-Sue over and sending her flying far away.
At this, Stacy was quite confused, but decided when random motorcyclist give you a chance, you take it, no matter how much you want to eat the ice-cream you're fighting upon. She flew through the air, attacking Mary Sue with her blades, however, Mary parried them like she'd just been through an 8 minute musical montage of a great fighting movie, pulling blades to deflect the attack both out of thin air and thick ice-cream that is so hard you can't even scoop. Still, Stacy wouldn't relent, wouldn't give in, she'd take all her hatred of school, of the fact they'd give her 25 thousand books to read, and the fact that Freud seemed to write more footnotes than actual text, and funnel it into an attack against the most perfect of vile character.
She seemed to be breaking through Mary-Sue's defenses, but suddenly it began raining. And not just raining water, but instead it rained hot fudge. Mary-Sue leapt back, leaving Stacy covered in a chocolaty mess.
"Now take that!" Mary-Sue said in her best Alice voice, because this is a Symphonia fic and we have to at least reference the show once in here, though this really just became Tiger's playground for random ideas long ago. However, Mary-Sue forgot about the fortitude of the Canadian people, that and that a little bit of chocolate was nothing compared to the knee length snow she has to travel through even the midst of summer (winter and summer are reversed for Canadians, right?).
"I call upon the great powers of chocolate," Stacy said, chanting a new spell, and the chocolate around her started levitating, taking shape.
"What is this madness?"
"Madness, madness you say?" Stacy then started laughing in a very creepy way. "This isn't madness. This is finals week!" She then charged at Mary-Sue, delivering a kick to her chest that send her flying off a cliff if ice-cream into an endless abyss below. However, not to be defeated by cheesy movie lines, Mary-Sue came flying back into battle via a jet pack.
"I never thought some crazy fan girl could be such a pain. I mean, what happened to the stories where the hero was perfect and overcame everything the bad guys threw at them through charm, and wit, and mighty explosives."
"That's where you're wrong Mary!" Stacy said pointing her swords at the even crazier fan girl. "You see I am the true hero, meant to banish your evil kind from all works of literature."
"Please, you're more useless than Dante, he was called by everyone in the story some great chosen one, an author for the ages revered by his heroes, but when it came down to it, he did nothing but make fun of everyone he disagreed with and write a story that made no sense."
"So kind of like what Tiger does with his parodies?" Stacy countered.
"Pretty much. However, there is one difference between Tiger and Dante?" Mary said.
"And what's that?"
"Tiger enjoys violence way more than he should, and he doesn't always let the good guy win. That's why I must make sure to banish your evil once and for all."
Mary-Sue then leapt through the air, spinning in a way that Stacy never thought she'd see someone do while wearing high heels. Mary kicked Stacy, sending her flying back faster than she could do anything about it. However, she had one more trick up her sleeve, one that she hoped she'd never have to end, else it would leave to the entire planet being conquered by aliens, or at least she'd end up with her house being transformed into a giant robot or something, and she really didn't want to have to explain to her brother why there were talking frogs in her room.
Nonetheless, this was a time for drastic measures, after all, the battle had been going on long enough, and a battle never ended into both characters used everything they had.
"Ninja art, frog summoning jutsu!"
And there before her, stood four alien frogs, the main characters from the anime Sgt. Frog, the green leader of their group, Keroro, his cute and adorable sidekick, Tamama, the master of explosives, Giroro, the mad scientist that every anime needs, Kululu. I feel like I'm forgetting something, but it can't be that important…
"Hello, what about me? Dororo, the ninja, the always neglected one."
Yeah, can't be anything important.
"All right guys," Stacy said, "That is our opponent. Show her no mercy!"
"Aw, how cute, thinking you could get some guys to save you. However, I am the one who can wrap any guy under my finger with nothing but a wink." And did just that, with a wink, the frogs found that they were under her spell, slowing walking over toward them like they were zombies.
Stacy knew this was bad, that was her last trick she had. She could feel the weight of the battle wearing on her. However, she wouldn't give up, couldn't give up. There had to be something she could do.
Before her, Keroro jumped into Mary's arms who gave him a tight hug. However, there was one thing Mary didn't know, a love that was even greater that the control Mary had over pretty much the entire guy population of the world.
The cute innocent frog was many things, and a jealous frog near the top of the list. "No one touches the sergeant like that!" With that, Tamama leapt into the air and blasted Mary with a blast of energy that could only be described as equivalent in force to that of Tiger's pellet gun that shot nuclear bombs.
However, seeing the attack against his one true love, Giroro pulled out about 22 rocket launchers firing them all at Tamama. Ah, that gets us close to the explosive quota for one of these chapters. However, Tamama wasn't about to be beat so easily, jumping from the ashes of those and firing another blast at Giroro.
"You might want to use this," Kululu said tossing Stacy a small ball that was red on top and white on bottom.
"Wait, you aren't controlled?"
"No, these glasses protect me from her control."
"So that's why you wear them…"
"And my mask protects me from them!" Dororo added.
"I thought that was because she didn't notice you there," Kululu said providing a much more correct answer."
However, Stacy was more occupied by the pokeball she held in her hand given to her by Kululu. "You know what you must do."
Stacy nodded, charging back into battle, dodging the various explosives and large objects being chucked back in forth in the battle between Giroro and Tamama. However, Stacy made it, and threw the pokeball at Mary-Sue. The ball trapped Mary inside as it fell to the ground, rolling back and forth, first one time, then another, and then finally the magical third shake.
This is the moment forever etched into our memories from our childhood. When there is the difference between finally catching that legendary Pokémon or wasting our last pokeball after working so hard to get the enemy down to barely any hp and put them to sleep.
And then, the magical click.
The pokeball stopped moving.
The battle had ended.
With that, the battlefield faded back to normal, the ice-cream they were fighting upon vanished, the frogs went back to their adventures of trying to enslave the human race. "See, you won," Tiger said.
"I guess I did. Take that Mary-Sue!" Stacy said.
"And if you can defeat the greatest evil to ever plague the world of literature, than surely you'll be able to overcome the pain of having your wisdom teeth out."
"I guess you're right. One other thing though…"
"Next crazy adventure, I'm the one kidnapping you for it," Stacy said.
"I'll go order my lab coat…now go enjoy the giant bowl of pudding you so deserve." Tiger then began to mysteriously walk away. "Assuming I don't get to it first!"