I want her so bad but after what I did to her how could I even dream that she would take me back. Sure I got counseling to control my anger, heck I even took the class twice, but I know that it doesn't mean anything to her. The scars I created on her perfect mind, probably her body too, are to deep for her to forgive. I always think about her though. Everyday it is almost like I can see her, in the hallways of the school and down on the beach here at Key West. I know she isn't here I don't need people to tell me that. I know that she is off following her dream of becoming an opera singer. I also know that I am still here at the same school, with the same good grades, same best friend and the same abusive father. No need to tell me that I will never get another date in this city for as long as I live because everyone knows what I did or am. But let me tell you that I am not going to be that guy everyone thinks I am and I'm gonna start with getting Caitlin back.
"Hey idiot where do you think your going?"
"Well Dad I thought that I might take a drive. But seeing as you won't remember any of this in the morning I was going to go out join up with some of the gang hunt down some skirts and then have unlimited sex with them."
I ducked as Dad's shot glass came flying through the air right at me. It wasn't the fact that I had told him I was going to do random girls, no that would have gotten me a slap on the back and the 'that's my boy' speech. Instead it was the reference to the 'he won't remember any of this because he is drunk off of his ass again' that got him. He didn't like my smart mouth and how mad I got when he was drunk. He had, however, learned a little bit about how to control his drunken rages ever since I had also learned my lesson. I took off, not caring about the broken glass that was on the floor or the alcohol that had spilled all over the place. I jumped into my car and took off for the gas station to the pay phone. As soon as I got there I looked around to see if anyone I knew was there watching me. I walked slowly over to the phone booth and put in the coins to dial the number.
"Hello, who is it?"
I recognized her voice right away. My kitty Kat.
"Oh god Nick please tell me this isn't you. I thought you were going to stop calling me."
"I'm sorry Caitlin I just needed to hear your voice."
"Is it your dad again?"
"No I just want to make my life right and you are the only thing that I haven't been able to fix or am able to fix."
"You're right about that. You can't fix what you did to me Nick."
"I know." I sighed deep to try to keep the tears in.
"Look Nick I have a knew life now and you aren't in it for a reason. Good bye."
"Wait Caitlin please don't hang up on me. I don't want you to see me this way anymore please give me a chance to show you that I have changed."
"I don't care if you changed into prince charming Nick, you have lost all of my trust and will never gaiin it back."
"Okay Kitty Kat, I'll leave you alone. Good bye."
I hung up the phone. I felt like someone had torn my heart out of my chest. How could she do this to me. Yes okay I had hit her a few times but I had fixed the problem. Why couldn't Caitlin see that? I left the car at the phone booth and just went walking. Down the dark cold alleyways and down the silent streets where people slept. I didn't want to see any of my friends, not that they would want to see me any way but still I could not face them in my current state. My friends were not the most compassionate people, crying to them is only a sign of weakness. They say that Caitlin controls me, I think that it is better if she controls me than if I do. They also tell me to suck it up and forget the chick. I try, really I do, to forget about her but I can't. Not if she can't forgive me because then I can't forgive myself.
I walk down on the beach where Caitlin and I saw the dolphins. I took my MP3 out of my pocket and turned it on to shuffle. I lay on the beach for a while and let the ocean breeze wash over me. Then I pulled something else out of my pocket. Something that would sooth me and ease the pain that I was feeling. A sharp peace of green glass from one of my Dad's beer bottles. I had sterilized it months ago when I discovered that there was a solution, temporary though it may be, to my problems. I pushed up my sleeves and started to look for the mark. Once found I took the glass in my hand and made a few quick slashes into my arm. The blood gushed forth and I groaned from the pain. Automatically I felt light headed, the pain and emotion that I had felt before slowly ran out like the blood that was running down my arm. This was my secret release. Not to anger but to the pain of rejection and hatred that I felt everyday since that day.
As I watch the blood running down my arm I remembered the day that I hit Caitlin. How silly it was to me now, to hit her for no real reason. We had been driving and I had gotten mad at her. I tried to swerve off of the bridge we were driving on, it scared her I could tell. She screamed and cryed for me to make it stop and for me to calm down. The yelling just egged me on. I sure as hell wasn't going to stop until I had established full control over her. It was at the moment that I thought I had won that she tried to grab the wheel from me. I looked at her and saw the terror in her eyes but I felt no remorse she had after all brought the punishment upon herself. So I hit her to make her relinquish the wheel. Even though I had hit her for selfish reasons I really had saved both of our lives. Had she kept a hold of the wheel she would have surely knocked us into on coming traffic or off of the bridge. Then neither of us would have to worry about who was controlling whom. When we were safe in the shoulder of the road I looked at her face. Her eye was already beginning to swell up and I could tell that she was going to have a shiner.
The blood stopped flowing and I was removed from my reveree. I pushed down my sleeve over the brand new cut so that when I went home Dad would not notice. (He definately did not need another reason to beat the shit out of me.) Still laying on the beach I heard a rock song on my MP3 that I absolutely loved and wanted to dedicate it to Caitlin. The song was Time is running out By Papa Roach. I especially liked the part in it that said:
So when push comes to shove
And I slap you in the face
Just remember one thing....
When it comes time to fill the void
My whole life has been destroyed
The message to me would tell her that because my Dad hit me, I hit her. The other thing that it would communicate to her is that hitting her or even being mean to her was like a temporary sickness and I have been cured. I lay for a second singing a long with the song and thinking about ways to get Caitlin back. Then I decided maybe I shouldn't try to get her back. Because that would be surrendering to desire and also reverting to the past. I decided right then and there to look for someone else and forget Caitlin. With that in my mind I jumped into my car and drove off to go back to my home.