Author's Notes: This. This is the weirdest fic you or I will likely ever read. I still can't believe I wrote this. It really came out of freaking nowhere. Oh, God. Oh, and I stole Matt's nickname in this from MrsJeevas's stories. After reading her, I can't picture a name more fitting than Mariomatt for him, so...

The good news is that after you've read this fic, nothing else will faze you. Yay!

Warnings: Crack. May cause brains to liquidate in your head and flood out of nose and mouth.

Pairing: Matt x Near. Sort of.

Dedication: You know it, bitch. :D

+ Wanna Cyber? +

+ A Crack One-Shot +

"You know," Mello said upon entering the room with Matt and giving the redhead a fleeting look, "one of these days you're going to set your laptop on fire smoking while you type." Upon not getting a verbal or physical response from Matt, he groaned, "What are you doing, anyway?"

Well, how was he going to explain this? Matt took a long drag from his cigarette, enjoying the smooth taste, only to have it ruined by Mello wafting every air molecule in a frantic rush. Mello had once offered to help Matt quit smoking by kicking him in the nuts every time he craved a cig; Matt had very politely declined, although he had suggested it was an idea for a possible business venture.

Right then, Mello was curious enough to temporarily offer a peace treaty to Matt's smoking habits. Matt sighed, opted for the truth and thus muttered with as much nonchalance as he could muster, "Chatting with Near."

Mello's eyes widened. Of course they did.

Five seconds to detonation, a robotic voice in Matt's head called. Five, four, three, two -

"What the fuck?" Mello boomed. Oh well. A second too early; the robotic voice made a garbled, disappointed sound, then faded. Mello glared at Matt, then scrambled to his feet and sped over to his side. He leaned over Matt, squinting at the screen. "With Near?"

Well, what was Matt supposed to say? He'd practically been caught with his pants around his ankles. "Yup. I set him up with an AIM account today."

Mello huffed. "What are you doing chatting with that ugly little prick?"

Matt sighed, taking another puff from his cigarette before stubbing it out in the ashtray that had set up permanent camp next to his laptop. "He's not ugly, Mello."

"Is, too!" Mello objected.

"Even if he was, being ugly isn't a crime."

"Well, obviously. He would already be in exile if it was." He paused. "PlayWithMyToys?" Mello read, his right eye twitching. "The fuck?"

"I set it up for him, after all," Matt said with just the faintest hint of smugness drizzling his voice. "I briefly considered naming him CumFokkMe but then decided I couldn't be that mean."

"When it comes to Near, 'too mean' is an oxymoron. It's like too 'much money' or 'too many books'. Or 'too much porn', even!"

Matt snorted at that; Mello leaned in closer, reading the conversation.

Mariomatt: near?

PlayWithMyToys: Was it really necessary to set me up with this name, Matt?

Mariomatt: wuts wrong with it? i thought it suited you!

PlayWithMyToys: I'm sure you did.

Mariomatt: ... anyway, so from now on, just use this when you wanna chat or somethin

PlayWithToys: Thank you, Matt. Although I must admit I do not really see the point in chtating.

PlayWithMyToys: *chatting

Mariomatt: lol, didn't you ask me to set you up with an account?

PlayWithMyToys: I hadn't really intented it as an outlet for your own twisted imagination.

Mariomatt: awww.

"Matt, dude," Mello said, "What the fuck does Near need AIM for? I didn't think he had any interest in it unless it stood for Advanced Immaculate Matchsticks or something like that."

"Immaculate Matchsticks?" Matt rolled his eyes, then blinked as Mello grabbed the laptop and brought it closer to himself. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"Having some fun with fuckface," Mello replied. "Let's see what he has to say to this."

Mariomatt: Wanna cyber?

Matt stifled a chuckle, slapping Mello's hand. "Quit it, man. It's Near."

"I just decided to take mercy on the guy," Mello announced with a dramatic voice. "Look at him. Who's gonna fuck this guy?"

Matt grinned at that.

Mello went on, oblivious to Matt's amusement. "This is why I, Mello.... well, I'm going to have to think of a few fancy middle names.... well, anyway that is why I'll take pity on him. I, like a noble de-virginizer in shining armor, am going to pop his virtual cherry."

"That's all very touching," Matt commented, "But I prefer you get the hell off of my computer now."


"Oh, I don't know - maybe because you're like the worst kindergartener I'll ever have to babysit, only 5'7" tall and probably radioactive?"

Mello laughed at that, seemingly liking the description; Matt meanwhile was just about to wrestle Mello from his precious laptop when a little ping tone announced Near's answer.

PlayWithMyToys: I beg your pardon?!

Mello scoffed in triumph while Matt grabbed the laptopt and started typing, "I'm sorry that was -"

Mello ripped Matt's fingers from the laptop and quickly typed, "- my desire talking."

Matt gave a resigned sigh, then leaned back in his chair, threading his hands behind his head and drawling, "Fine, go on then." After all, fighting with Mello was as hopeless as it was draining - if he wanted to have some fun, he'd let him. It wasn't like Near wouldn't be able to figure out it was Mello.

As if on cue, Near typed back.

PlayWithMyToys: That isn't very mature of you, Mello.

"What?" Mello hissed. "We'll see about that, Near!"

Matt watched from his position in the chair as Mello typed.

Mariomatt: Mello? Is he you really want? No, it's me, Mattyboy!

Mariomatt: I touch myself thinking about you.

"You do know he isn't gonna buy it, do you?" the redhead asked languidly.

Mello ignored him, gleeful grin plastered all across his features.

Mariomatt: Near? Are you still there?

"He can tell you're not typing like me," Matt offered.

Mello clicked his tongue.

Mariomatt: u still thar, n3r?

"Not like that, either!" Matt punched Mello's shoulder. The blond turned around, meeting Matt's eyes, grinning mischievously. When the ping erupted, they both snapped back to the laptop.

PlayWithMyToys: Goodbye.

PlayWithMyToys signed off.

"Oh, what the hell?" Mello moaned in disappointment, then ranted, "The little fucker can't even take a little fun! I was going to relieve him off the pain of being an eternal virgin, and all he does is -"


PlayWithMyToys: On second thought, I'll stay.

The disappointment on Mello's face resolved; the grin that rushed in to replace it revealed a row of teeth so white Matt was half-convinced it emitted ultra-violet light.

Mariomatt: excellent! now where were we, my little fluffbunny?

A pause. Annoyance was just about to claim Mello's face when the ping finally announced Near's reply.

PlayWithMyToys: I think something about you touching yourself inappropriately while entertaining less-than-innocent thoughts about my person.

Mello was grinning so hard it looked like he was attempting to eat both of his ears at the same time.

Mariomatt: oh n3r! you even make jacking off sound poetic! yeah, so i asked u if u wanted to cyber.

PlayWithMyToys: Yes, Matt, I do not yet suffer from acute short-term memory loss.

Mariomatt: whatever. u up for it?

PlayWithMyToys: That can be interpreted a number of different ways. If you meant to inquire whether I was ready, then yes.

"He's quite snarky," Matt laughed, enjoying the show.

Mello grit his teeth, then continued typing.

Mariomatt: ok. so i go over to your room, wearing my sexy stripes and jeans.

Mello paused, giving his roommate a once-over out of narrowed eyes.

Mariomatt: no, scratch that. for this occasion, i'm gonna wear sexy leather pants! so i come to your room and let myself in, finding you on your laptop.

PlayWithMyToys: Hello, Matt. Those leather pants suit you well.

Mariomatt: indeed. i stalk over to your bed.

"I think 'stalk' was a bit of an unlucky word choice there, Mello."

"Shut up, I'm concentrating."

Mariomatt: i yank u out of your chair, then start to heavily make out with you. you're moaning and twisting in my embrace. wow, you really want this!

PlayWithMyToys: You taste of smoke, Matt.

Mariomatt: You can't talk when I have my tongue shoved down your throat! So, it would come out as "yoo tasht o' smmk". Anyway, i push you to the bed and jump on top of you.

PlayWithMyToys: Yoo ur quite h'vy M'tt.

Mariomatt: i'm a skinny ass nerd, how can I be heavy?

"You're skinnier than me," Matt informed Mello pleasantly, reaching for another cigarette. Mello rewarded him with a molten lava glare.

Mariomatt: anyway, so i take off your clothes, massaging your body and grabbing your wee-wee

"If I may ask," Matt asked, taking a deep drag from his cigarette and blowing it out sensually, "what's your objective with all this bullcrap?"

"I'm bored," Mello muttered, eyes glued to the screen.

The huge grin on Mello's face was swiped clean off his face with Near's next reply.

PlayWithMyToys: I flip you on your back and pin you to the bed.

A chuckle crashed against Matt's throat as Mello's jaw dropped.


PlayWithMyToys: It doesn't look like it now, does it?

Mariomatt: come on, that's just common sense!!

Matt stretched his body, linking his hands behind his head as he regarded the fuming blond with an amused smile on his face. Mello looked like he was about to try to jump right into the laptop as his fingers flew over the keys.

Mariomatt: that's just wrong. okay. with my superior weight and speed, i pin you back against the back, putting my weight against. i rub my 13 inch sausage against your leg.

Matt raised an eyebrow. "13-inch sausage?"

PlayWithMyToys: I subject to my role as the submissive and writhe underneath you. Oh Matt.

Mello shot a puzzled look to Matt. "You done this with him before, you sick fuck?"

"Dude, no." Not over the internet, anyway. Matt held up both palms, shaking his head. "I jerk off to porn, not to cybersexing Near."

The blond made a face. "Thanks. I really needed to know the details of your masturbatory habits, Matt."

"He wrote something else," Matt reminded him.

PlayWithMyToys: Suddenly, I seize up, panting harshly, all colour draining out of my face. I'm shaking!

Matt and Mello blinked at the screen. Mello found his voice first. "The fuck?"

PlayWithMyToys: I calm down. Sorry about that, Matt.

Mariomatt: u ok?

PlayWithMyToys: Sure. Where were we? Oh yeah. Something about you rubbing your... generously sized genitalia against my leg.

Mariomatt: right. i rub myself against you, moaning. i'm so horny i'm about to bust my nut.

"Dude," Matt remarked, blowing smoke out of his nostrils. "You suck at wordporn."

"It's not supposed to make him horny!" Mello defended hotly, running a hand through his chin-length blond hair. "Just uncomfortable."

"Well, if your objective is awkwardness, I suppose you win."


PlayWithMyToys: I feel the same way, Matt. Your talented hands (so flexible from all the gaming) cause the excitement inside me to mount; the way you drag your teeth across my jaw makes me shiver. Oh Matt, I want you.

If the sound of jaws dropping was actually audible, the noise inside Matt and Mello's room would have been deafening.

"Did he just...?" Mello asked.

"I think he did."


"And," Matt added, cocking one eyebrow, "he's much better at this than you."

A hiss. "Shut the hell up, Matt."

"Just sayin'."

Mariomatt: i whip out my dick and point to it. suck it, babe!

A dramatic eye roll from Matt.

PlayWithMyToys: Wait just a second, Matt. I pant heavily, clawing at my skin.

Mariomatt: wats wrong with u?

PlayWithMyToys: Nothing. I compose myself with even breathing. I shrug it off, then flip you on your back and inspect your...arousal.

Mariomatt: now we're talkin!

PlayWithMyToys: I grip it, giving it an experimental squeeze. Suddenly my body convulses and I jump to my feet, breathing heavily. Say Matt, do you have anything to eat around here?


"What the gargoyle testicles is he doing?" Mello demanded.

It took Matt a while to get over his surprise. "...I think he's onto something."

"Funny idea of foreplay he has."

Mariomatt: sorry, no food. try this down there.

PlayWithMyToys: Okay. I shrug it off again, settling on my knees. I grip your erection with both of my hands, then I lower my head, teasing it with my breath.

"Oh, fuck me," Matt muttered.

Mariomatt: yeah, that's it. keep going, near.

PlayWithMyToys: I give it a tentative lick, but before I get the chance to tend to you in earnest, I freeze. Then I start convulsing and perspiring, falling to the floor with a moan. I get up shakily and collapse on top of you.

Mello looked more and more bewildered; Matt started chuckling, getting an idea where all of this was going.

Mariomatt: what the fuck, near?!

PlayWithMyToys: I assure you, it is nothing. Where were we? Oh, right. I slip down along your body, tracing your chiselled muscles with my fingertips. Upon reaching your manhood, I grip it.

"Manhood!" Matt scoffed.

Mariomatt: i thrust up my hips, poking you in the cheek. hurry up, babe!

PlayWithMyToys: I lean down, kissing the tip. But suddenly light falls upon me and as I look up and outside the window I see...

Matt and Mello shared a glance.

Mariomatt: what?!

PlayWithMyToys: THE FULL MOON! I arch my back and howl. I fall to my side and twitch as my skin turns to fur and fangs grow out of my mouth. As my vision returns, I see you on the bed. Bloodthirst washes over me and I pounce on you. I growl as my teeth dig into your arm, spraying blood everywhere. You're at my mercy as I satisfy my bloodlust.

A beat during which both teenagers gaped at the screen.

PlayWithMyToys: Huh. Oops.

Did he just... not, he couldn't have just...

There was no way that...

The tension snapped like a rubber band. Realization whacked them both over the head with the force of a metal bat. Mello's eyes widened, his jaw fell open and be let out a drawn-out, heartfelt, "What the fuuuuuck?!" Matt, meanwhile, threw his head back, placed his hands on his stomach and laughed like he'd never laughed before.

"Dude... he...! Dude!" He almost choked on his laughter. "This is... awesome!"

Mello obviously didn't think so. Lips drawn over his teeth so that he looked almost feral, it no longer simply into the laptop; rather, it seemed like he was attempting to give it a full-body slam. He started to manically type away while hurling a slew of obscenities at the innocently-beaming screen.

"What the fuck this little piece of -"

Matt unsuccessfully tried to control his laughter. "Dude... you got -"

"This little, I'll kill him, I'll -"

"- completely owned, man!"

"Get out of here!" Mello bellowed, typing away as though wanting to break the laptop in two, and Matt, still at the mercy of his laughter, nodded and stumbled out of the room, slumping against the wall once he'd reached the hallway. Before he knew it, he was knocking on Near's door, and without waiting for an answer, let himself in, catching his weight just in time before collapsing into a pile of laughter on Near's floor.

Alarmed at the sound of the door, Near swivelled around on his chair, flexing his indiscernible black eyes on Matt; upon seeing who it was, the closest thing to a smug smile Matt had ever seen on him took up camp on his little face. "Hello, Matt," he greeted - and to anyone other than said redhead, the smug note hiding underneath the layer of ice just may have gone unnoticed.

My, wasn't he ever the sneaky bastard?

"Near," Matt pressed out between bursts of laughter, "That was fucking brilliant."

Near didn't give any physical reaction, but continued to regard Matt out of unreadable eyes. Even when Matt half-walked and half-stumbled closer and gripped both armrests, bringing his flushed face closer to Near's, no muscle on the small, white-haired boy's face moved.

Not that Matt was going to be deterred by something like that.

"You should have seen Mello's face," Matt gasped. "It was fucking priceless. Seriously, how do you come up with this stuff?!"

A small smile ever so delicately wound itself around his rosy lips. What he said couldn't have been any more fitting. "I was bored."

"Near," Matt said in adoration, "I didn't know you had it in you."

Near didn't reply, lazily twirling one of his locks.

Matt composed himself, stopping the torrent of chuckles. "Sorry about that - Mello just sort of hogged my laptop." Apologetic smile on his lips, he ran his fingers through Near's hair; it felt soft and silky to the touch and didn't fail to cause something devilish inside the redhead to spring to life. "I can't believe he still doesn't know about us."

Near's tiny hand froze in the air. "It might have something to do with you not telling him about us."

"I wonder what he'd do if he knew that that chat wasn't as far-fetched as he thought..." He trailed his hand down Near's cheek, his thumb flitting over the smaller boy's lips. "Except for the you turning into a werewolf part, that is. I guess you immediately knew it couldn't be me asking you for cyber sex." Near look at him like a puzzle waiting to be solved and Matt added in a darker tone, "Why would I... when the real thing is so much better."

There was a twitch around Near's lips that would likely have morphed into a smile if Matt hadn't leaned in to capture it.