History Bathwater

Lt. Commander Richie

Disclaimer: Asking how I thought of it will just make you even more confused. So don't bother. Also, I don't own it.


The bath was heavenly, all bubbles and steaming warm water and luxurious oils and who knows what the hell else but damn if it didn't smell good. Idly, Lavi flipped a page in the history book just barely held above the bubbles with one dainty and manicured finger.

This was heaven. Nothing like reading up on Atilla the Hun while taking a nice relaxing bath in between missions.

That, of course, was before the crash that sounded vaguely like broken glass followed by a high-pitched shriek and some screaming in Japanese. Her one green eye blinking a few times as the redhead realized just what was going on; Lavi sighed and sunk deeper into the lightly pink-tinted and bubble-encrusted water while keeping the history book she held high above the surface. Nobody, not even Sunao-chan and Alestina, would dare interrupt the first nice, long and totally gorgeous bath she had had in what felt like months.

The redhead stretched a toned leg out of the bubbles, admiring the handiwork she had done painting her toenails a daring shade of crimson that matched both her fingernails and her hair. Like everything else since she had gotten back, it was just about as close to perfect as you could get.

A lock of shaggy red hair fell out of the large and ornate gold clamp encrusted with green Swarovski crystal that held her otherwise-untamable mane back, and the redhead swept it behind her ear.

Yep. Perfect.

That was when the door busted inward and hit the wall, the phonograph playing Beethoven's 'Four Seasons' in the corner was knocked over with a mighty screech and the two girls that were screaming and tugging at each other's hair landed on the floor. Lavi nearly dropped her history book into her bathwater.

"You take that back you stupid beansprout, or I'll cut off all your hair and sell it to bald hookers!" The one currently sitting on the white-haired girl's back was Sunao Kanda, who was definitely not meek as her name led people to believe. Hell, her parents had probably been better off naming her something like 'Yuuki'. The girl she sat on that had a firm grip on her massive calf-length black ponytail with a death grip was Alestina Walker, who looked just about ready to rip Sunao a new one in every sense of the term. Hell, Lavi was surprised that they didn't already have their Innocence activated and at each other's throats like usually.

"If they're hookers then they're not bald you dumbass bitch!" The white-haired girl screamed, her face nearly smooshed to the floor with one of Sunao's sharp-nailed hands.

"Well it's not like I could actually get any money for it anyway! Not even bald hookers would want your hair!" Lavi rolled her one green eye and leaned over the edge of the tub, crossing her arms and making sure to keep the history book from getting wet.

"As interesting as this is, you two, couldn't you have gone and busted in someone else's bath? Go be courteous and ruin Anna's day. Kuro-chan would love it if you did. Really." The two girls whipped their gazes from each other to glare in a way that made the hairs on the back of Lavi's exposed neck rise up.

"This doesn't concern you." They both ground out, though Alestina said it more to the floor than to either of the other girls.

"Then take it somewhere else." The glare intensified. If Lavi had been scared, she would have already gone back to her bath. Good thing neither of them were particularly scary.

"She called me a flat-chested bitch." Kanda ground out, and the redhead blinked once.

"But you are flat-chested and a pretty big bi-" Lavi's one eye looked inward towards her nose to track the tip of the katana that was currently pointed at her.

"You wanna become as blind as Marie? We're all flat-chested compared to you, so shut up you dumbass rabbit." Below the extremely angry Japanese girl, Alestina managed to wriggle her left hand free. In a flash she had thrown the older girl off and had a wicked-looking black and silver set of claws pointed at her.

"Insulting each other and everyone else isn't getting us anywhere. Let's finish this in a proper fashion, bitch." Lavi raised an eyebrow at the slight fallacy in the statement, especially with the added cursing. The two leapt at each other, but Sunao was the taller and slightly stronger of the two and threw Alestina back to the bathroom floor.

This had gone on long enough.

"Both of you!" Lavi screamed, her voice rising in pitch. "Get out or so help me god I'll get my hammer!" The redhead finally stood, bubbles from her bubble bath clinging to her frame. She pointed at the door. "Get the hell out and let me be in peace! I haven't had a nice bath in a month and a half! You're ruining it!"

"What's- Lavi?" All three girls froze, slowly turning towards the voice at the door. This was unexpected.

Crap. It was Lee. They all blushed, and with a shriek of surprise Lavi realized she was still standing for the entire world to see and dropped down into the bathwater with a splash. Unnoticed, her history book went into the water as well.

"Is, uh, um… Is everything, uh…? I heard screaming?" The boy was far, far, far too nice for his own good. Big eyes, short hair, a lanky frame, crap. He was perfect. Totally.

"Everything's fine!" Alestina squeaked, her blue eyes nearly the size of dinnerplates. This was partially because of Lee's sudden appearance, and partially because Sunao still had her ground into the floor but with a significant amount more wiggle room because of the handful of claws between the two of them.

"Nothing's wrong." Sunao's own voice lacked its normal biting edge, and she was trying hard not to look at the boy in the doorway. That would mean he would see the massive blush on her cheeks.

"But the, uh…" Lee looked ready to feint at the sight of the three girls in the bathroom. A massive blush graced his cheeks. "The door's missing."

"That's because they," Lavi began, pointing at the two girls that had gone back to quarreling and pulling each other's hair on the floor, "knocked it down when they came bursting in to ruin my bath." She struck a pout, her lower lip jutting out slightly and more of her shaggy red mop of hair falling in her face. Lee burst into a bright red blush and nearly stumbled backwards.

"Crap, crap, crap I'm sorry!" That boy had really grown up. Maybe six months before he had been naive and kinda adorable in his own little way, with a big long ponytail of dark hair and a pair of wicked-looking armored clodhoppers. But now his hair was burnt short and his Dark Boots were no longer a pair of massive armored boots and greaves when his Innocence activated. Now they were streamlined and packed more power than ever before.

That didn't mean that he had lost any of his ability to totally and absolutely encumber his opponents in the process. If anything, Lee and his family were famous for being extremely stubborn. Which is what he promptly did.

"Kanda, Alestina, c'mon. If you don't get off each other I'm gonna go get the Generals." Sunao didn't move, and Alestina tried kneeing the older girl in the back to no success. Lee sighed and put a hand over his eyes. "I'll get General Cloud, and he and I will take pictures and have my sister make them look like you're doing less than savory things."

Lavi bit back the urge to smile widely; she had taught him that one. Instead she propped herself just barely out of the tub and leaned on the rim. Lee's eyes went wide, and she looked down and realized that she was showing more than a bit of cleavage over the edge of the tub. Neither of the quarreling girls on the floor moved, but that was probably because at some point Alestina had gotten Kanda's hair around her neck and Sunao was strangling the white-haired girl with her bare hands.

"If you two don't stop I'm getting out of the tub." When they didn't stop, Lee rolled his eyes and entered the bathroom. He grabbed the Japanese girl by the back of her long coat and pulled her off Alestina, then grabbed Alestina by the white cloak that was her Crowned Clown Innocence. Without a word he drug them out of the bathroom.

"Sorry about this!" The Chinese boy called over his shoulder, before bodily chucking the two down two different hallways. He came back and grabbed the splintered door, carefully attempting to set it on its hinges. "I'll… Uh, I'll have someone that knows what they're doing come up and fix this?" He said, after examining his handiwork that consisted of the door hanging slightly to the left.

"That's okay." Lavi crossed her arms, another lock of shaggy red hair falling from the Swarovski-encrusted hair clamp that kept the mane at bay. "My bath is ruined; I may as well get out." Lee blushed an amazing bright crimson and shut the door, nearly making it fall off of its careful perch.

With a sigh, the red-headed Exorcist lay back in the tub and idly played with the bubbles with one dry hand. She brought the other one up to continue to read, only to realize that her hand was rather empty.

Two soggy pages floated by, both on the siege of the Great Wall.

"SUNAO-CHAN! ALESTINA! I'MMA KILL YOU WHEN I GET OUTTA THIS BATH! THAT BOOK WAS IMPORTANT!"


It began, as all things begin, with a vague inkling that turned into a hilarious mental image. I was reading my AP US History textbook, and I went to go take a bath. I'm gonna be using that same textbook as a cosplay prop for Lavi at one point, and then my mind wandered to Lavi reading a history book in a bubble bath. Then it wandered to him in a bubble bath reading a history textbook while wearing a PVC smoking jacket. Like, a raincoat but a smoking jacket, ya know?

Thank god it never got that far. So anyway I ended up writing it genderbender because hell, who wouldn't want to see an extremely prissy Lavi and Kanda being strangled with his own hair. That and I needed to stretch the pointless crack muscle. I think I'll probably regret this one-shot in a few years, but whatever.

There was also some terribly pointless KanLena and LaviLena because I can. but whatever.

PS: In Japanese 'Yuu' means 'Courageous' or 'Bravery', as does 'Yuuki'. 'Sunao' means 'Meek'.

Lt. Commander-chan, signing out. Next up to be published is 'Brushing the Sky', see my profile for more details.