browniechadowes: Hello, all, and welcome to the final installment of Stephenie Meyer and the Renegade Characters, thus named Stephenie Meyer and the Uterus of Steel. Due to impending academia, I will not be updating as often as the last parodies, as I'm sure my professors will not use me saving Edward from the throes of Aro's lusty jell-o as an excuse for not completing my homework.

Stephenie: *pokes browniechadowes rather forcefully*

browniechadowes: I should remind all the dear readers that I do not own any Twilight characters, Stephenie Meyer, or mutant vampire sperm. So read, review (reviews are yummy), and enjoy. Oh, and as an aside, if anyone has misplaced a rather large stick, tell me and I'm sure you'd be able to find it lodged in my lit. professor's rather large backside.

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Martyrdom Vomit

Bella: *holding ice pack to head* Ughh, at least we got a little break after the horror of shippiness. This is the last parody, right?

browniechadowes: *hiding Midnight Sun* Ermm, sure.

Bella: Oh god *looking at manuscript* Really, Stephenie, is there even a need for these prefaces? I mean, in every single one of them I am about to get my ass handed to me on a silver platter.

Stephenie: But it sets up the stories so nicely. And never fear, I promise the plot of this one will be completely unpredictable.

Bella: Ummphh. Okay so… It seemed oddly inevitable, facing death again. Like I really was marked for disaster. Not like I ever go running right towards said disaster like a fat kid in a candy store or anything. When you loved the one who was killing you, it left you no options. Besides a hasty divorce and a good attorney, but I'm guessing that would be slightly OOC for me. Oh, dear Christ on a stick, I feel the martyrdom vomit coming up out of my throat… and… If your life was all you had to give your beloved, how could you not give it?

Edward: By telling your beloved that it's deranged to give your life up to them for no reason? By not falling in love with someone who wants to tear out your jugular and suck it like an ice cream sundae? By letting me punch every last drop of the martyrdom vomit out of your stomach? Just a thought.

Stephenie: Edward, you can't threaten to punch Bella in the stomach… not yet anyway.

Edward: Just saying…

Bella: I agree. Can we just do some sort of Jerry Springer, Judge Judy, divorce court type thing and get all the suffering out of the way at the beginning?

Stephenie: I am going to ignore those last comments. Now teeter on over to the corner and become completely enthralled with not touching each other.

Edward: I had better fucking lose my old ass virginity pronto, or I am going to show you just how chagrin and masochistic I can be.

Fangirls: *drool on selves while writing S&M bondage mature Edward/OC fanfics*