disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever.
Also, the song is by Rob Pattinson. totally not mine!
I walked through the doors of my Biology class and sat down to listen to a god awful lesson that I had already sat through a million times in my life before. I was ready to drown my teacher out, and definitely ready to leave this school so I didn't have to hold my breath anymore.
I hated the smell of human blood. It repulsed me. I was so human, so fragile when it came to that scent. When I could feel it pulsin though their veins...it took everything I had not to snap that person's neck. I hated my lack of self-control. It was worse than all of my family's record combined. I had killed thousands, my family only hundreds. I was a pathetic excuse for a "vegetarian" vampire.
My family was very supportive of it, obviously, cause they felt bad for me, I bet. I sensed their regret, remorse, frustration with me. I knew that they hated what I did. It was plainly in their emotions. Mostly I get sadness from them, and a small taint of hope. Sometimes even pity for the disgusting person I am. Even my own wife felt that way about me sometimes. Made me sick to my stomach to think about it.
Suddenly Mr. Banner cleared his throat and I looked up at him. "We have a new student named Isabella Swan. Please make her feel welcome. The only empty seat is next to Mr. Hale. Please go sit by him." Great. Now I could try not to rip her thoat out everyday.
I studied her as she moved towards me. Her skin was as white as mine. Almost an ugly translucent color. She had purple bruise like shadows under her chocolate brown eyes. Her tomboy clothes were baggy under ravenous looking figure. She needed some help with herself, that was plain to see.
She tripped lighly into the seat next to me, and I automatically stiffened as she flung her dark brown hair at me. Oh, no, this wasn't good at all! The vemon in my throat cried out in loud pleas to satiate my thirst. I clenched my hands into very tight fists, as well as my jaw. My beathing grew jagged and erratic as the burn in my throat kept building. I shuddered in short bursts, trying not to lose control of my body and kill her. A room full of witnesses would not be pleasant at all...
For the next 45 minutes, I heard absolutely nothing Mr. Banner was lecturing about. I kept my mind focused on not drinking the poor girl's blood...but everytime I thought that word, my throat screamed in protest, and I had to calm myself all over again. By this time I wasn't breathing at all, but it still didn't help me. Her floral, delicious scent was poured into my brain and it was all I could think about. All I could taste on my tongue...
The bell rang and I burst out of my seat with a vengeance and ran out the door faster than most humans could. Thank God it was lunch time, that I could talk to Edward about all of this mess. I sat at our normal table and waited for my coven to slowly join me.
I ran my fingers through my curly honey-colored hair and heaved a huge sigh. What was I going to do with myself? How could I sit next to an innocent girl everyday and not slip up? It was impossible to spend six more mothis without an incident. I couldn't do it.
"Jasper, snap out of it! God, you're always borrding. Cheer up!" my twin sister, Rosalie, snapped at me.
"I'm sorry, but I'd rather not spend time talking to my two-faced, arrogant bitch of a sister." She narrowed her eyes, her nostrils flared, but she flipped her golden hair over her shoulder and immersed herself in a conversation with her husband Emmett.
"Rose, give him a break. He's got a lot on his mind," Edward commented, sitting down with a tray of food none of us was ever going to eat. "Speaking of which, would you please like to tell me what's bugging you?"
Curiousity, fear, anxiousness...it was all emanating from him. I closed my eyes and thought the words, knowing my brother would hear every word as plain as if I were speaking aloud.
It's the new girl, Bella Swan. I heard him chuckle a bit. I sighed in frustration.
"Sorry. That girl just annoys me, is all. I'm not used to not being able to hear people's thoughts. She's blocking me out. It's quite annoying. But continue, please."
La Tua Contante. I saw the grin on his face slip, his topaz eyes search the lunchroom for her. Horror...then relief. I have to sit next to her in Biology. All class I was struggling not to think about drinking her blood. It was so tempting, Edward, even more powerful than a thousand of the other humans I've killed.
Panic filled his eyes. He licked his lips, trying to calculate a rational response to the news I had just sprung on him. "Okay, um, Jasper, I think you need to stick out the rest of the day. But once school gets out, go straight to Carlisle and tell him what's going on. He knows what's best for you."
The others around us we suspicious and brimming with uncurable curiousity. I nodded hastily, and then focused on my battered black Chucks. I didn't even look up when Alice tentatively called my name. I knew she was worried, but I had no desire to talk about the petty human girl whose blood was driving me to an insane asylum.
A bell resonated through the cafeteria and I hurried on to the next class of th day--gym. At least running will give me some endorphants and take my mind off of Bella. I really nneded that right now. She was driving me fucking insane!
I headed straight for the locker room and quickly dressed into my workout attire, laced my Chucks up, and headed out the door to get in roll call order in the back of the gym lines. Our coach began to call our names out. I almost screamed in fury when his mouth formed the name "Isabella Swan." Please no! I can't have two classes with this poor, unlucky girl! She was gonna get eaten surely now.
Hands balled into fists again, clenched jaw tightening. No! I would not let myself think that there was no hope. I was going to get through the next two classes, and then let Carlisle sort it out when I visited him at the hospital after school. One way or another, the girl was going to live. I would not be the sadistic bastard who stole her life away from her. Not this time.
We entered the outside, hit the track, and I automatically started running at a fast human pace, which was quite annoying, but it didn't threated the exposure of me and my vampire family. I tried to let my mind wander toward the most random of things. Days spent laughing with Alice, teaching an English class, writing my first song on guitar, warm days hanging out in the meadow with Edward, gambling with Emmett...happy times in my existence.
I had to remember, because I was so afraid those days were gone. The carefree ones where the ony thing I had to worry about was losing my not-so-hard-earned cash to my burly older brother. Or getting a scolding about my language, or the window or piece of furniture I'd accidentally broken. Those were the best days. But I could feel them slipping away and out of my grasp. It was terrifying.
While I ran I just kept thinking about my family. Esme. Carlisle. Edward. Emmett. Rosalie. Alice. Peter. Charlotte. Tanya. Irina. Kate. Eleazar. Carmen. I loved them all to death. I thought about things they've said to me that's made an impact in my life. How they've all stuck by me after I came home, heaving dry sobs, covered in blood after slaughtering another person. How they marveled at how well I played the guitar. They've inspired me to no end.
So I thought about lyrics, tied to create something. What if I was a horrible vampire with pitiful self-control? What if she was an innocent by-standard with good smelling blood? What if I tried to be friends with her, but ended up falling in love and exposing my secret to her? What if she told me it didn't matter?
Ha! Wow. I was getting way ahead of myself here. Bella Swan could never love a monster like me. And even if she did, she'd be terrified of me if I really opened up and told her about myself. Plus, I kind of had a wife. Alice. Yeah, I doubt shed' like it if I ran off with some stupid human.
As if reminding me how human she really was, she flew by me, but twisted her anke, and ended up colliding with the pavement. A flush of red heated up her cheeks, and I fought to stay in control of my actions. She needed help up, that much was obvious, and no one was offering it to her, It was probably very wrong to apporach her. But hey, how was I going to fight my demons if I let this girl eat me out of house and home?
Cautiously I approached Bella, held up my hand for her to take. She would probably shy away from it, though, when she felt how cold it was. Just one of the perks of being dead. Cold white skin. Wasn't pleasant, I assumed. She accepted my hand anyways, without even a flinch and I helped her up.
"Thank you," she mumbled towards me, then set off jogging in the opposite direction I was heading. Hmm. So she was shy. And delicious. well, she'd be scared to wits' end instead of just embarassed if she kept blushing like that around me.
I tried to let her escape from my mind and think about the good times again, but her face kept creeping into my mind, her scent overpowering me, scalding my mind. Just as I was at the peak of frustration, the coach blew the whistle and I swiftly ran into the locker room to wash the memory of her away.
All through my next class, she was all I could think about. I must've replayed her falling a thousand times in my head. I studied her face, like I was trying to recognize something that wasn't there. For a moment, I just wished she was a vampire like the rest of us, so I wouldn't have to kill her. Sometimes, I just wish there was another coven here in Forks doing the same thing we are; trying to bled in with the human life.
She kept runnning thruough my mind until the bell rang and I hurried out the doors towards Edward's Volvo. It's a good thing we like to drive fast, because I was pretty anxious to go see Carlisle and talk through my issues with this ignorant girl.
He was already in the car when I got there and we were waiting for Rosalie and Emmett to come inside so we could go home. They always took forever. It was so annoying! And worse off, they were always in this lovey-dovey attitude that made me just want to hurl. I'm sure Edward didn't want to hear about their sex life, either.
They finally came and my brother sped away towards our manion. It didn't take us very long at the rate and speed he was driving. So when we got hime, he left the keys in the ignition and I flew towards the hospital to my father's office.
It took about 15 minutes to get there and I was already freaking out. I bounded into his office, but he apparently was working with a patient right now. I sat down and ran my fingers through my hair again, and closed my eyes tight, pinched the bridge of my nose, tried not to focus on Bella for the millionth time. It felt like such a long time that I stood there meditating and then I heard my father's voice.
"Jasper? Son? Are you alright?" Concern.
"Depends on your definition," I snapped, and then looked him in the eyes. "You've heard of la tua contante, haven't you?"
Uneasiness now. "Of course I have. Jasper, please tell me you didn't hurt the person. What happened?"
"No, she's fine. I have her in two of my classes, one of which I have to sit next to her in. It's horrible, Carlisle. I can't even function when she's around because all I can think about is her and how much her blood appeals to me. It's taking all of my energy not to snap her neck, to taste her blood running warm down my throat. I'm terrified that I'll slip up."
My father sat down beside me in his desk chair and thought my words over. I was getting confused by the range of emotions he was spitting at me. Panic, optimism, distaste, happiness, disappointment, wistfulness...it just kept changing. I had no idea what to think about it. He kept me guessing, until finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he spoke to me.
"I don't always know what's best like you all think I do. One thing I do know is that you should never run away and hide from your prbolems. You should always confront them, attack them head on." He placed a hand on my shoulder. "Son, this might be a mistake, but I think you should stay here. Get to know the girl some. I believe in you."
"You've seen how much I've killed, Carlisle. How can you believe in me when I don't believe in myself? What makes you so sure that I won't kill her in the end?"
"Because I know you, and who you are. You are very determined to get what you want. The fact you've resisted so hard already and that you are standing here in front of me, and she is out there, alive and well, is a sign, son. I know you can rise above the challenge. You won't kill her. I think if you get to know her, it will perish all thought of her murder. You just have to fight fate to keep her alive. I'm curious, who is this girl, anyways?"
"Chief Swan's daughter." Carlisle sucked in a low breath. Disapporival. Cautuon. "Her name's Bella. And you're right, I just might have to fight fate to keep her alive. Both times I've seen her, she tripped over her chair in Biology and twisted her ankle and fell in gym. She's a klutz."
"Of course that would be exactly the type of girl you'd attract." He chuckled lightly. "I know you can do this, Jasper. Don't disappoint yourself." His eyes held warmth and kindness. He really believed in me. I couldn't disappoint him; couldn't try so hard and then turn around and kill her. I'm not sure I could ever look at him the same.
I nodded and then drove Edward's Volvo back home. When I entered the door, my whole curious family was waiting for an explanation from me. They were ditufully sitting in our virtually unused dining room table. I heaved a huge sigh, and flung into my explanation.
"The new girl, Bella Swan, sits next to me in Biology. She also has gym class with me. And I'm finding it extremely hard not to kill her right now. Because she's my singer." Gasps filled the room.
"What did Carlisle say about it, Jazz?" Edward asked me. Desperation.
"He told me to stick it out and get to know her. He believes if I gain some respect for her, I'll be less likely to kill her. He told me I could do it. That I couldn't run away from this like I wanted to." A sob broke free from Esme's chest, and instantly I felt guilty about almost choosing that route.
"I just wish I could know what the girl was thinking..." he muttered. "Do you know anything about her at all?" I shifted uncomfortably.
"Well, um, beside the fact she's clumsy, nothing at all, really. But I do plan on getting to know her. I want to beat this thing. I don't want her blood to tempt me. I'm going to fight."
Emmett laughed. Love. Warmth. Relief. Pride. "I knew you could do it, little brother. You know we all believe you won't take a snap at her. Don't we?"
Esme was the first one to speak. "Of course we do! Honny, I know you can surpass any obstacle in your way. I'm so proud of you, Jasper."
Alice was next. "I'll always believe in you. No matter what." I loved this girl.
Then Edward spoke. "If you keep thinking the way you are now, I have no doubt everything will go as planned. I can't believe you've touched her and didn't lose control."
"Wait, what? You touched her?" Emmett interrupted.
Thanks, Edward. He smirked at me. "She fell in gym. I helped her up."
"Always trying to be the southern gentlemen." Rosalie snapped at me. Anger. Hurt. Jealousy. It all rolled off of her in strong waves. "I hope you kill that insignificant little bitch before you become obsessed with her. Legend has it, you fall in love with your singer. It's like imprnting in the werewolf world--you meet her, and you fall in love. Her blood calls to you, and if you don't kill her, she's your soul mate. I dout you'd wanna hurt Alice that way by falling in love with a fragile human."
She got up from the table and sped up the stairs, slamming her bedroom door. Oh, boy. This is not good, is it? No. I will not let myself fall in love with Bella. I only intend to strike up a comraderie, not setting up a romance with the poor girl. But we all know things don't always end up how we intend them to...
I bit my lip, and flew up the flight of stair to the bedroom Alice and I shared. Gah. So much pent up emotions inside of me. It's never a good thing. I spend way too much time analyzing the people around me and their feelings. I try too hard to warp them into smething. I tried too hard to help them. I was neglecting myself, and that's what triggeed my psychotic episode. Last time I flipped out, I slaughtered too many people, hurt my family beyond belief, trashed the whole mansion...almost committed suicde...
But that was nearly 25 years ago. I should know what to expect and how to tame myself next time around. If there was a next time...
I stared at my shiny Epiphone acoustic guitar, and felt an itch in my fingers to play it. It's been over three months since I'd written any new material. I just hadn't had the incentitive, the will to expose feelings, to put my thoughts into words and a melody. Now I felt the sudden urge to pick the guitar up and create a new tune.
Cradling it to my chest, I sat back down on the bed and messed around with a few chords, trying to find a melody that inspired me. It took quite a while. Kind of frustrating because I felt that everytime I found something I liked, I had either already used it for another song, or it had been created by someone else.
Maybe three and a half hours later, something finally clicked. I struck an unneccesary chord on accident, and suddenly everything was much brighter. Like the whole world finally came into perspective and I knew exactly what I wanted now. I knew how I was going to play it out. It had certainly inspired me. Simple, but kind of powerful in the most intoxicating way.
It took quite a while for me to play the whole thing through, to write out all the chords in a legible manner. And then for the lyrics...I chewed on my lip. Hadn't I thought about this earlier, created a plot and a sequence in my head? Yes..it was during gym when I was trying not to think of Bella. Trying, but not succeeding. Trying, being the complicated and frustrating operative word.
For a moment I thought about it, and then I remembered exactly what my song had been about--the pitiful vampire hung up on the ignorant human, who didn't care who or what he was. Because she was already in too deep.
As I mulled over that, the words rushed into my head easily, and I had to fihgt to write fast enough--and so I could actually read what I wrote--before the lyrics escaped from my mind. My pencil was flying across the paper. Writing, erasing, rewriting, changing words again, proof reading...and then, I surveyed the work, marveled at my accomplishment.
I picked my Epiphone back up and began to play out the song, adding the lyrics along with the melody. My voice wasn't as great as Edward's, but it had decent quality to it. I had never been serious about it before. I guessed it was about time I started taking singing lessons, now that I was writing music again. Clearing my throat, the words jumped to life from the frozen sheet of paper.
"I should never think what's in your heart. What's in our home. So I won't. You'll learn to hate me but still call me baby. Oh love, so call me by my name.
"And save your soul. Save your soul before you're too far gone and before nothing can be done.
"I'll try to decide when. She'll lie in the end. I ain't got no fight in me in this whole damn world. So hold off. She should hold off. It's the one thing that I've known. Once I put my coat on. I coming out in this all wrong. She standing outside holding me, saying 'Oh please, I'm in love, I'm in love.
"Girl, save your soul. Go on, save your soul before it's to far gone and before nothing can be done.
"Cause without me, you got it all, so hold on. Without me, you got it all, so hold on. Without me you got it all. Without me you got it all, so hold on. Without me you got it all. Without me you got it all, so hold on."
I heard a sigh at the door, and wheeled around to find Esme in the doorway, eyes closed, savoring the monet. "I love it when you boys play your music. It makes me feel connected to you. That song was very lovely, Jasper." She snapped open her golden eyes.
They held my attenton. There was something a lot like hurt in them. "I'm glad you're writing again. It was like a piece of you had been missing and that you're slowly gaining youself back."
She walked over to sit next to me on the bed. "Don't give up hope. You've got the biggest heart of anyone I know. Sure, you've seen and done a lot of bad things, but deep down I know who you really are. Let that guy break through. Don't let the battle scars define you."
Her lower lip tembled and I embraced her in a tight hug as she gasped for air. She hated me to see her cry. None of us liked to show we were vulnerable.
After she stopped crying she straightened out and cleared her throat. "Carlisle will be home from work soon. We might paly a few games as a family." Emphasis on the last word. "I'd like it if you joined us."
I cringed a little. "Is Rosalie going to be there?"
"Now, Jasper, give your sister a break. She was only trying to warn you and protect Alice before you got in too deep. She didn't mean any harm."
My lower lip jutted out a little. "I know," I mumbled. "I just wish she wouldn't pry into my business so much, you know? it's frustrating."
"Honey, she only does it because she loves you. And because she worries about you non-stop. We all do."
"Yeah, I know. But can I be excused for tonight, please? I'm feeling strangely inspired and I think I have a million more songs to write tonight." Esme laughed.
"Sure." And then she was gone.
I laid down on the soft, cushiony bed and stared at my arm, glaring at all the thousands of half-moons filling up my entire body. It got me thinking about my unchangeable past, and how I had been the most evil person back then. All there was to me was killing games and mistrust. I'd been awful until I revolted. And even then, I was still disgusted about myself. But it was all in the past. I hadn't known any better, and I couldn't go back to change it. Only thing I could do was shape the outlook of my future.
Soon enough, the guitar was back in my hands, and I was spending the rest of the night pouring my heart out onto paper for the world to glimpse.
I was Jasper Whitlock Hale, born 1844 in Houston, Texas. And I was a vampire about to fall in love with a human.