The REAL Ryuichi Sakuma

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation. It belongs to the wonderful Maki Murakami.

Rating: M (for language and suggestive themes)

Comments from Author: I almost cried writing this. It was so sentimental and touching.

You know, people think I'm stupid. It's plain obvious. They think I'm a naïve 31 year old who's bi-polar or with some mental illness. But I make them think that on purpose. Unlike what they think and believe…I am one of the few genius minds in the world. I'm not bragging or anything like that, it's just a matter of fact. I CHOOSE to act like an idiot. I CHOOSE to have people think I'm oblivious to the world around me. But that is not true. On the contrary, I am TOO much aware of my surroundings. I think that's what messed me up to begin with.

It all started one day when I was a kid. No more than 6. I had a stepbrother who beat me and cursed at me. The way it sounds, people might jump to conclusions that he sexually abused me. But no, not once did he touch me in any way besides punching me. His father, my step-dad beat my mom a lot. So Seiichi (my stepbrother) must've gotten it from him. He would make me steal dirty magazines for him, steal cigarettes and even look for hookers. I did everything of the sort for him.

Seiichi was 4 years older than me. I looked up to him even though he continually abused me. I never told anyone, but my mother found out either way. She was on her way out heading to the police station because she couldn't take it any longer. But Takihiro, her husband, beat her hard. A couple of years later, when I was 10, she died of a head trauma. Takihiro covered the story up saying she fell from the stairs. And funny thing is…the police bought it. I knew what was going on in my home, but I never said a word.

From the day she died, I had to live alone with Takihiro and Seiichi. It was a living hell. Not one of them tried to rape me, but little by little…I wished they did. By the time I was 12, Seiichi forced me to watch gay porn. It was obvious my brother was bi-sexual. He even admitted it, but he never said he liked me. The more those videos played in my head, the more I felt "the urge". As I collected prostitutes for Takihiro and Seiichi, I realized that the world was a disgusting and vile place. But I learned to like it.

Seiichi didn't hit me as often, but Takihiro would when I messed things up. I truly believed they were both evil. But whenever his dad would hurt me, Seiichi would help me and give me comforting words. Once Seiichi turned 18, he took me to live with him as he moved out. He convinced his father to let him do so. I lived with him from then on.

I was 14 when Seiichi took me with him. That was also when I realized that I had "feelings" for my sadistic brother. He rarely hit me anymore. The more he didn't hit me, the more I fell in love with him. I didn't have the courage to confess, so I touched myself instead. He made me so mad. I felt like trash for liking another man. But I accepted it.

One day, Seiichi came home drunk. I was getting ready for bed, when he suddenly walked into my room and started touching me in weird places. I admit, I loved it. But I didn't want him to know that.

He whispered, 'You know, since the day I met you, I thought you were sexy. Even though you were just a kid. I've been wanting to fuck you for the past 8 years and now is my chance'.

He didn't even wait for my response before he pushed me on my bed and raped me. I couldn't say it was against my will because I didn't fight back. It was what I wanted. It was what asked for.

The next morning, I hoped that Seiichi would remember that night and would love me like a lover from then on. He remembered…but he didn't treat me like a lover. Instead, he went out more often and did me more often. But he never said, 'I love you'. I didn't care, as long as I got what I wanted. Yes, I had become the slut I am.

A couple of years later, he made an announcement.

'Ryu, I know we've been close and stuff. But you're 18 already. And I don't think you can stay here anymore', those words pierced right through my heart.

'But why not?' I cried.

'Damn it, don't cry!!' he became frustrated, 'it's because I'm going to be a father!!'

I had heard the end of it. By the end of the day, I packed my bags and walked out while he was at work. I stayed at a motel for a while and worked as a prostitute. Yes, the very thing I hated, I had become. I had to live somehow. I got paid really well, too. But I was not satisfied with anyone's body. There were business men, musicians, and even politicians that promised to leave their wives for me. But I didn't want them. I wanted one person. And that person was taken away from me in a blink of an eye.

I stopped being a whore and enrolled into Tokyo's School of Performing arts. It was an expensive college. But with all the money I made, I afforded to go. I always had a passion for singing. Something I inherited from my mother. So I thought that I should at least train my voice. A year or two later, I met Tohma and Noriko at that same school. We quickly became friends. I tried to hide my past from them, but I ended up telling them either way.

I was at the point where I was being harassed, by a guy that picked me up once, while I at the park with my friends. I ended up crying and telling Tohma and Noriko my story. Since that day, they have never left my side. Together, we started a band called Nittle Grasper. We never thought we'd make it to the top. But we did. The more money we got for gigs, the more depressed I became. Fame and fortune was heading our way, but I was blowing it like a wasted celebrity. That's when Noriko suggested that I try acting like the child I never was.

That's when I remembered all the suffering I went through and how I never really had a childhood. So I put on a façade, that of a little 5 year old. Even now, at the age of 31, I keep the mask up. And the only people who know about the real me are my band mates. But I blurted it out to one kid before.

At one of Tohma's parties, I met Tohma's wife's youngest brother, Tatsuha. Cutest thing I had ever met. I met him that once and ended falling in love with him. He was but a mere child. So I walked away from it and ignored it for 3 years. Until I met him again when he was 16. He apparently had a major crush on me. But he was still under-age. Which pissed me off in the slightest bit. But a deep conversation we had brought me to tears and I ended up spilling everything to a little punk that was infatuated with me, and vice versa. Little did I know, that same punk was the only one that made me feel human and loved me the way I had wanted to be loved oh-so long ago.

And now, Tatsuha Uesugi is my lover. A 15 year age difference, but age is not the problem. Nothing can come between him and the real Ryuichi Sakuma.

Dreamgirl: Sooooooo, what do y'all think 'bout it? I think it's the bestest thing I've ever written!!! (not conceited or stupid) I really wanted to write a story in Ryuichi's POV because he's just an awesome character. I LOVE RYUICHI SAKUMA (BOTH SIDES OF HIM)!!!! Please tell me what you think. It means a lot to me. Reviews make me smile!!!