A/N: Wow! You guys are awesome! Thanks so much for all of the reviews for the last chapter. They were awesome.
Anyway, enough of me talking. Here's the next chapter. It's called Leave out all the Rest by Linkin Park which is actually on the Twilight soundtrack.
Please Review when you're finished reading. Thanks again guys!
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Chapter 8- Leave Out all the Rest
Don't be afraid. I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made. I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through. I've never been perfect
But neither have you. So if you're asking me
I want you to know, When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done. Help me leave behind some
reasons to be missed. Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty, keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
On the day of Edward's treatment, he met with a a nurse who was to administer his chemotherapy. He had to undergo a brief physical examination to check his blood pressure, pulse, respiration rate, and temperature. His height and weight were measured to calculate the appropriate doses of chemotherapy that would be required, and he was given pre-chemotherapy medications to dissipate some of the side effects.
A central line was placed beneath into Edward's arm, a three-pronged port that would be the entry point for mulitiple medication administrations, IV fluids, and blood draws. I looked at the tubes sprouting from his arm, and it suddenly felt as if breathing was no longer an easy task. My heart began to thud wildly when I watched the fluids slide through the tube and into his body. He hadn't said a word the entire time, but I knew by the look on his face that there were a million words he wanted to shout out. He just couldn't seem to find the right ones.
Edward already had a baseline EKG, to make sure his heart could withstand the chemotherapy. He had dexamethasone ophthalmic drops, because one of the drugs was said to cause pink eye. He had blood drawn from his central line, to test for renal and liver functions.
I watched as the nurse hung the infusion bags on the IV pole while glancing down at Edward with sympathetic eyes. She patted his shoulder lightly and smiled. "You're doing great, honey." Edward nodded once and gave a slight smirk toward the woman before turning his eyes back toward the IV that was pushed into his arm.
Was it my imagination or did he suddenly seem so full of hatred? He narrowed his eyes at the slender tube that lead back to the infusion bags. I watched as his neck muscles flexed when he swallowed, and I couldn't help but wonder if he was in pain. The nurse said that he wouldn't be, but could they have been wrong?
Along with Edward and I, Esme, Carlisle, Alice, and Emmett sat in his hospital room, not saying a word. The truth was, no one knew what to say. We all sat in silence, watching Edward undergo his chemotherapy treatment. And I wanted nothing more than to rip out the dreaded tube that was stabbed into his arm. It was too painful to see him like this, especially since I knew the side effects he would be experiencing later.
Those were the liquids that were now coursing through his veins. Or in other words, poison.
His chemo lasted for about a half an hour, and immediately, the nurse removed the IV catheter when it was over. I watched as she checked his vital signs for the second time and recorded everything onto the chart she had attached to her clipboard. Edward's oncologist, Dr. Hammond, was also there. She reviewed the side effects that Edward might experience and how he was to manage them.
Edward nodded whenever the nurse or oncologist spoke to him, but I wasn't really sure if he was even listening.
* * * * *
The majority of the next day was pure hell.
It all started when Esme announced to Edward and I that she wouldn't be staying at the hospital because she had to attend work due to the fact that she'd skipped about nine days. Her boss was trying to respect the fact that her son was indeed in the hospital, but he'd turned desperate and announced that work had to be done. Esme said that he would allow her to leave early or in the middle of her job if I was to call her for anything. She also mentioned that Carlisle had to serve the morning shift in the hospital because they were suddenly short on staff, all thanks to the flu virus spreading around. Emmett and Alice wouldn't be around either because Edward insisted that they didn't miss school, just so they could sit around and wait, like I was doing.
So that left me.
I had to sit through another one of Edward's horrible chemotherapy sessions except this time he seemed a bit more...alive. He wasn't as glum as he was yesterday, but I could see that the medication in the chemo was causing him to experience some fatigue. So although he was enthusiastic, his body seemed to be exhausted. But he'd managed to speak a little to me while the process was happening.
When it was over I snuggled into Edward's hospital bed with him, leaning my head on his shoulder. A couple of times he would play with my hands, turning them this way and that that way, right before he would bring them to his lips and kiss them. "Thank you so much for being here with me," he whispered, his voice weak and fatigued.
I smiled brilliantly up at him as if he had just announced that he had hung the sun, moon and stars in the sky just for her before bring my palms to his cheeks and pressing my forehead against his. "There is no where else in the world that I'd rather be than right here with you."
He dropped his lips to mine and kissed me, softly and gently at first like all of his kisses were, as if he was giving me a moment or two to get used to it, before he began adding pressure. My eyes instantly closed as I felt his lips moving over mine, his tongue tracing my bottom lip, coaxing my mouth to open to him. I tilted my head slightly to the side, and Edward took the invitation, kissing me deeply, his tongue slowly entering her mouth, touching his.
I couldn't control my movements when I pushed myself toward his body, moaning softly as his tongue massaged mine, arching against him. I was feeling lightheaded from the way his kisses impacted me. It was as if we were no longer in a hospital room but back in my bedroom at night time, wrapped in each others arms.
And I couldn't dismiss the ache that was beginning to grow. I wanted him. I wanted all of him. I wanted his weight on top of me, his naked skin touching every inch of mine, and most of all, I wanted our bodies to be connected like they had been in his Jeep. The need for him was excruciating, and I knew that only he would be able to help me with it.
Edward still tasted the same. And I knew that he was the closest thing to what the food in heaven must taste like. And I felt myself kissing him a bit harder, for some reason, wanting to find out if there was anything else I could taste on his delicious lips. I was shocked to feel a vibration in my mouth from the moan that had risen in his throat, but it felt so familiar and so good.
He put his left hand on my head, his fingers gently tangling in my hair as he guided my lips with his, speeding the kiss up considerably. His mouth continued to move over mine with a hunger that would not be appropriate for others to see if someone were to walk into the room. It was only when I felt his right hand climbing up my torso toward my breasts that I realized I should probably stop.
I tore away from him, our lips making a loud ripping sound. His eyes were dark with desire, and I was sure that mine mirrored his exactly. The way his tongue peeked out from his mouth and ran over his lips was driving me crazy, and I had to look away from him before I pounced back to his mouth.
Edward apparently didn't take the hint so he gripped my jaw and suddenly his mouth began to move over mine again, but this time it was just his lips caressing mine so slowly and sensually that it could have been considered innocent. So unlike the one we just shared a couple of seconds ago.
My hands were beginning to shake when he wrapped his arm around my waist and the other remaining on the back of my head. Taking me by surprise, he hauled me into his lap and pressed my torso tightly against his weakening frame. He tilted his head to the side, kissing me a bit harder, and ground his hips into mine.
I knew that he was trying to get back to the way we were making out a minute ago, but I ripped away from him again, panting heavily, despite my adoration for the bolt of electricity that was running through my veins. "Edward, we can't do this here. We're in a hospital," I hissed, glancing over my shoulder to make sure that we didn't have company.
All he did was laugh and lean forward to press a chaste kiss to my neck. I couldn't help but notice the difference in his normally deep snicker to his new exhausted chuckle. It tore at the seams of my heart, but he didn't notice. "Yeah, and I've always wanted to have sex in a hospital bed."
My mouth hung open, his words taking me by complete surprise.
"I'm joking," he said, laughing again. "Well, sort of."
I rolled my eyes while a faint smirk tugged at one corner of my mouth as I removed myself from his body, sitting beside him. "How are you feeling? No nausea, yet?" I asked, running my hands up and down his chest.
He shook his head. "Not yet, but it's probably just the calm before the storm," Edward said.
"You don't know that," I replied. "For all we know, the pre-chemo medication could have worked, and you won't get any nausea."
Edward pursed his lips, his arms tightening around me a bit more, nearly crushing me to him. He closed his eyes, burying his face into my brown locks, inhaling slowly. He did this whenever he was nervous about something, and I was near. He always said that it made him lose his self because my presence had the ability to make everything seem okay. ""What would I do without you?" Edward suddenly asked in a whisper, his fingers gliding along my arm.
I didn't respond to that. Instead, I closed my eyes and hoped. Maybe if I held onto him long and hard enough, things would be different when I opened my eyes again. Maybe things would be brighter, better. Maybe he would be better. Maybe when I opened my eyes again, my life wouldn't be this difficult. I held onto him with the thought of this disease just...going away. I held onto him with the thought that maybe, someone create miracles.
I felt Edward's voice pull me back to reality. He lifted my head away from his neck and tilted it up. "Hey," he said softly, his hands sliding to my cheeks. "Don't do that."
For a moment, I didn't know what he was talking about, but then he wiped at one of my cheeks with his fingers, and I realized that I had started to cry. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, and then I felt him kiss my lightly on the lips. So lightly, it was almost as if it had just been a brush of a breeze.
When my eyelids lifted open, Edward smirked at me once. "Don't cry."
I nodded once. "I'm sorry."
* * * * *
It was around 11:30 when Edward reached for his stomach and mumbled, "Bella...I don't feel...I'm not feeling..."
Immediately, I jumped off the bed, running to his side as he stood up and held his head with one hand and his stomach with the other. Quickly, I pushed the call button, beckoning for a nurse, but he wouldn't be able to wait that long. I took his arm and practically dragged him toward the bathroom, helping him kneel in front of the toilet. I lowered myself beside him and ran my hands up and down his back, attempting to soothe him. "It's okay, baby. Just let it out," I whispered. "You're okay."
He nodded once, staring into the toilet bowl. He opened his mouth several times, but nothing came out. It was as if it was only a gagging reaction from his throat. Edward groaned in frustration when the vomit wouldn't fall from his mouth, but I continued to glide my hands up and down his back, reassuring him.
Just then, a nurse came into the room and noticed Edward and I in the bathroom. I turned my head toward her and gestured to Edward. "He feels nauseous, but it's hard for him to throw anything up." I tried keeping my voice calm, but it wasn't working. The worry was completely evident.
The nurse nodded once, professional and relaxed, most likely because she was used to this type of thing. "I'll get him some Reglan," she replied before disappearing just as quickly as she came.
I turned back toward Edward and kissed the side of his forehead that now had beads of sweat building up. I didn't know how I was supposed to react or if I was even doing all of this correctly. Should I have been helping him force it up, or was soothing him enough? Was I even supposed to be touching him?
I wanted to cry and scream and curl into a ball. But I forced myself to get a handle on everything. Edward needed me, and it wasn't the time to be worrying about what was right and what was wrong. I had to be brave and strong. For him and for me.
My eyes zoned back toward Edward, taking in his face closely. It was a sickly white color that was almost identical to the sheer white of the toilet. His eyes were a little blood-shot and the bronze color of his eyebrows was faded and slight dull.
He opened his mouth again, this time releasing any of the food he'd eaten for breakfast that morning. I smiled toward him even though he wasn't looking at me and held his thin shoulders in my small hands. "You can get through this," I murmured to him each time he spit up, but I wasn't entirely sure if I was talking to myself or to him. "You're doing so good, Edward. So good," I reassured him.
The nurse came back with the Reglan in her hand, but I ignored her presence while Edward continued to vomit into the toilet, each time making a sploshing noise when it came in contact with water. When he was finished, he sat up, emitting an exhausted groan while he leaned his body against the wall of the bathroom. I watched as he closed his eyes, tilting his head backward.
"Throwing up isn't much fun, but you feel a little better when it's over," the nurse said, walking closer to where Edward and I sat. "Here," she offered, placing the Reglan in Edward's hand while giving him a glass of water. "Take this. It'll make the vomit come out a little easier."
Edward accepted the medicine and swallowed it down with much effort. It broke my heart to seem him struggling to do such simple tasks that most people didn't even have to think about when they did them.
"How about we get you back to bed. You're going to need some antiemetics so I'll put it in your IV," the nurse suggested.
Edward nodded and stood up from the floor with the help of both the nurse and I. He could have done it himself, I suppose, but the chemo was making his body turn weaker and weaker. It was easier on Edward if the nurse and I assisted him. The nurse let go of Edward's arm while I wrapped mine around his waist, guiding him on his walk back to the bed. I sat him gently on the edge before covering him up with the blanket. The nurse began to fiddle with the IV catheter, placing the antiemetics inside of it. She reached for Edward's arm and placed the IV back into it.
"That should help," she said, her voice kind and reassuring. I watched as she reached into a closet inside of the room and retreived a green bucket. "Just in case the two of you don't think you can make it to the bathroom."
"Thank you," I replied, bringing the bucket a little closer to the side of his bed.
She nodded and turned her head back toward the IV catheter that was now injecting the anteimetics into his arm. "Well, unfortunately, we're short-staffed today so I won't be able to stay long. A lot of nurses called in sick today so it's just a couple of us. But, you did a wonderful job with him, honey," she complimented, tapping my shoulder lightly. "Hit the call button if you need anything else, alright?"
"Okay, thank you," I said, grateful.
The nurse smiled again. "Of course."
I watched the woman leave before turning back to Edward who was rubbing his hands over his face. "That was pure hell," he whispered, his voice raspy.
I scooted into the bed next to him and cuddled against his side. "It'll be okay," I said.
* * * * *
I shifted slightly, feeling his hard body behind me, my brain taking a moment for it to catch up on where I was.
We were still in the oncology part of the hospital, having fallen asleep together on the small bed that was clearly meant for only one person. We were cramped but waking up with him, just like I did at home, with his arms wrapped around me, I smiled to myself, closing my eyes again for a moment, feeling the heat from his body surround me like a protective coat.
I was lying on my side, facing the window of the room, and Edward was right behind me, pressed against my back with his arms wrapped so tightly around me. It was almost as if he was afraid to let me go. I didn't mind though. It felt nice even if there was always the chance that he would release vomit onto me.
I didn't care.
Just being there with him, feeling his deep and steady breath on the back of my neck as he slept, made everything seem okay. The room was turning bright with sunshine which could only mean that it was the afternoon due to the fact that we were on the west side of the hospital. I turned my body so that it was now facing his.
And just like that I felt my heart break all over again.
There was no other word that could describe it. I wanted to do something, anything to make it all go away. But I couldn't, and that made everything so much worse than what it was. Imagine watching the person you love have to suffer and knowing that there isn't a damn thing you can do to make it all okay. I brought my fingers to his face and traced his bottom lip with my thumb, relishing the feeling of what was familiar even if it did seem a little different.
Edward would still be Edward no matter what. APL couldn't take that away from him. Ever.
I watched as his eyes fluttered open, and his face suddenly turned into discomfort. It scared me the way it twisted and the way his eyes clamped shut and then back open. "Edward? Edward, what is it?" I asked, my voice panicky.
He swallowed hard and motioned for me to move. "Bucket!" he managed to get out.
Quickly, I reached for the bright green bucket and placed it on his lap while he sat up. Doing the same thing I had earlier today, I ran my hands down his back, consoling him while he released the vomit into the container. Every gagging and sploshing noise made me wince back. Not in disgust but in fear.
Edward raised his head from the bucket a little and sighed in frustration before forcing it back down, emitting the puke into the canister. I hated this. I hated this damn disease. And I hated what it was doing to him. I hated that he had to go through all of this when he didn't deserve it. I just hated it all.
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Alice and Rosalie walking into his room, balloons and get-well-soon cards in their hands. I watched as both their faces twisted in horror when they saw Edward in his ill state. Neither of them had seen him since yesterday when he first began his chemo, and today, the way he looked, was twenty times worse.
I could tell that neither knew if they should come forth and help me or leave the room all together. But I managed to point to the chairs in the room, encouraging them to take a seat and wait until he was completely finished. Edward hadn't noticed their presence until he lifted his head from the bucket and made another exasperated groan.
I lifted the emesis basin from his lap, getting off the bed so that I could wash it in the bathroom. I passed Rosalie and Alice who sat, stone-faced, staring toward Edward who was leaning heavily back against the pillows of his bed. "I'll be out in a second, guys," I told them.
Alice nodded, heading toward Edward while reaching for a damp wash cloth to dab over his forehead. Rosalie got up from the chair and followed. "Let me help you with that," she suggested, most likely not feeling very useful. In the past, Rosalie and I didn't get along that much, mostly because her and I were complete opposites. But when I actually took the time to get to know her, I saw that she had more than a pretty face.
I placed the basin inside of the bathtub, turning on the water to rinse the vomit out. Rosalie reached for the soap and a towel, passing both to me. "How's your day been?" she asked me. But I knew what she really meant was, Has he been throwing up like that all day?
"A little hectic, but it's okay," I replied, scrubbing away at the stains inside of the bucket. "How about yours?"
She shrugged once. "Nothing that could be more scary than yours." I glanced up at her and noticed her eyes turning watery, sparkly. "How do you do it?" Rosalie asked me, her voice abruptly cracking. "How can you sit there with him and not break down?"
I sighed once, rubbing the soap onto a different side of the basin and then paused. "I can't Rosalie. I mean, maybe I can on the outside, but on the inside I'm screaming. I may look like I'm doing it without a care, but the truth is when I see him like that, I feel like I'm the one who's dying. Because every time he pukes into this stupid thing-" I gestured to the bucket, "-it's like another stab into my heart."
Rosalie exhaled slowly, trying to compose herself. She bent down onto the floor next to me. "I couldn't do what you're doing for him, if it was Emmett sitting there. I...wouldn't know what to do, or how I to help him with what he needed."
My head shook once, disagreeing with her. "I thought the same thing, Rose, but I realized that to help him, I need to be strong because I love him. And you would realize the same thing, too, if the roles were reversed despite what you may think."
She pursed her lips once and leaned her head against the wall. "God, how did this all happen so fast? One minute we're at Edward's swim meet, the next we're in the hospital watching the side effects of his chemo." She paused a minute before whispering, "Why do bad things happen to good people?"
At one time I was an extreme optimist, but life has battered me down enough times to temper this optimism down a bit. So why did bad things happen to good people. Well, I couldn't say. "I don't know, Rose. I just don't know."
A/N: Such an emotional chapter, but then again, all of them are pretty much emotional now. LOL.
Sorry this update took a little while. I've been kind of busy with exams and studying and a lot of other priorities. Sadly, I might not be able to update as soon as you all are hoping, but I'll try my hardest. Thanks for being so supportive.