A/N: I was laughing while typing up most of this. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Drink/Food Warning: Do not consume anything while reading the following chapter. I do not want to be sued for a new monitor or your death upon choking.
Chapter 1: The Cullen's Ski Cabin Sex Talk
Legacy-verse: Fits in with Chapter 16: Changes
Location: The ski cabin, after Jasper and Alice get back from the Lodge.
"You're coming with me," Alice said. Roughly grabbing my hand, she attempted to drag me through the living room and to the door of the den. Once my parents granted us admittance, my stomach rumbled nervously.
The conversation with my parents about letting Rose and Jasper stay with us went well but ended up being embarrassing to say the least. By the end of it, I wanted to go out in the middle of the blizzard and dig a grave for myself. A very, very, very, deep grave.
"We've known Rose and Jasper all their lives. If they feel uncomfortable in their own home and their parents won't give everyone a hard time, we're both fine with them staying with us," Mom said, smiling at Dad. "Right, honey?"
"Absolutely, but we have to set some ground rules for the four of you," Dad said.
I had a feeling this wasn't going to be good. "Ground rules?"
"Alice, you and Jasper have been dating for three years now," he said.
"Dad," she said. "I'm on the pill, in case you forgot."
"I did not need to know that about you," I said.
Mom looked at me disapprovingly. "Your sister is taking care of herself."
"That is fine and dandy, but I'm her brother and that bit is just T.M.I." They both looked confused by my words. "Too much information. I do not need to know those details about my little sister."
Alice turned around to face me. "I'm on the pill! I'm on the pill!" she taunted me.
"Shut it, pip squeak."
"The pill is more than just birth control, son," Dad said. "It can also help women that experience very painful menstrual cycles."
Alice smiled and I knew she was enjoyed torturing me. "Yeah, I don't have to have my period as often and be in so much pain. I used to experience horrible cramps!"
"Alice," I started. "There are some things that I do not need to know about you. How your ride on the Crimson Tide treats you is one of those many things.
"Now, Emmett, we can tell that something is going on between you and Rose," Mom said. "And we want to make sure that you treat her with respect."
"I am! I will!" Did my own mother think I was a caveman or something?
"When a man loves a woman…" Dad started, but I had to stop him.
"I had sex ed in school. I'm covered, thank you," I told him.
Alice giggled. "Go on, Dad. You never know, we could both learn something from you."
Our father blushed at Alice's words while Mom turned her head and laughed. "I want to make sure you're prepared," Dad said. "Emmett, you need to make sure to use a condom."
I held up my hands in front of me. Why were they even thinking this way about me? Did they think I was a sexual deviant? Rose and I just became a couple like, twenty five minutes ago! Did they think I was going to drag her into my bedroom and ravage her? This horrible conversation had to end about two minutes ago. "I know, I know!"
"If you're too embarrassed to go to the store to buy prophylactics, you need to tell me."
I wanted to die, ten times over.
"Now, I wanted to talk to you about sexually transmitted diseases or STD's as they're known."
"Learned about 'em in sex ed. They're nasty little buggers and you don't want 'em. They're the unfortunate gift that keeps on giving. Next!"
"Emmett, when you make love to a woman for the first time…" At this point, his voice trailed off and I'm sure that my eyes glazed over. I could not believe that my father was saying these things to me. I covered my ears with my hands and hummed loudly. Was it my parents' mission in life to traumatize me? I felt like falling to the floor in the fetal position and sucking my thumb. I had to stop this before I ended up in a psych ward in a straight jacket.
"Oh, please, for the love of God, stop it!" I said, removing my hands from my ears. My parents looked at me like I was crazy. Alice turned around and laughed hysterically. "I am not having sex yet, okay? Are you happy with that little bit of info? If and when I do with Rose or anyone else, I will make sure to use a condom. If the girl is on the pill, then that's even better and I will treat her with the utmost respect. Are we through? Please?"
Dad blinked at me. "I wanted to talk to you about oral sex."
"I wanted to talk with you about some things in regards to Jasper," Alice said smiling.
"Oh, God." I wanted to die, twenty times over. "Strike me dead, now, please."
"Emmett," Mom said. "Stop taking the Lord's name in vain."
"Same thing, doofus," Alice informed me.
"I want to set up the guest room as a room for Jasper and Rosalie," Mom started. "Although, I doubt that they'll end up sleeping in it very often."
The thought of Rose sneaking into my bedroom excited and thrilled me to no end. I hadn't even been thinking about that until Mom mentioned it.
Dad cleared his throat and spoke. "Please keep all noises to a manageable level."
"Oh, please for the love of everything that is holy on this earth, let this conversation be over!" I begged. Knowing my luck, they'd start in telling us about their sex life. I'd be catatonic for the rest of my life.
Mom and Dad looked at each other. "Okay, I think we've covered everything," Dad said.
"Thank you, Jesus."
Dad laughed. "You're welcome."
I quickly headed toward the door to deliver the good news to Rose and Jasper when I heard Mom laughing. "It's so funny when you get him riled up. You have a natural talent, honey."
"I heard that!" In the doorway of the den I turned around and spoke to my parents. "Thanks, Mom, Dad, for the lovely conversation."
Alice zoomed past me and out into the living room. She practically launched herself into Jasper's arms. I caught Rose's eyes on me, and I wished that one day she'd launch herself at me like that.
A/N: You know what to do!