Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I only own dvds of Yu Yu Hakusho, and not the copy right laws. Stupid … laws.
A/N: To those of you who read Hiei the Babysitter - well, now its Kuwabara and Yusuke's turn. And they're going to do this a lot more slapstick.
Thank you Jordan for the beta.
Papers melt in a Maytag dryer
Crayons go up one drawer higher
Rewind Barney for the fifteenth time
Breakfast six, naps at nine
There's bubble gum in the baby's hair
Sweet potatoes in my lazy chair
Been crazy all day long
And it's only Monday, Mr. Mom
- Lonestar (Mr. Mom)
by Touch of Violet
"Are you sure you'll be alright, Kazuma?" Yukina questioned gently, zipping closed a suitcase.
Kuwabara nodded and picked the suitcase up off of the bed for her. "How hard could it be?" He asked, putting the suitcase by the door. "They're my kids, after all, baby."
She smiled. "And you're a wonderful father, Kazuma. But you've never been alone with them for this long and I …"
"Don't worry, baby," Kuwabara insisted, rubbing her upper arms reassuringly. "I want you and Keiko to have fun. I got this. You don't need to worry about a thing."
She nodded and looked around the room. "Alright. I won't worry." She stood on her tiptoes and he bent down to compensate the difference, their lips meeting in a chaste kiss. "I know you'll be able to handle it. And I will enjoy my weekend away with Keiko."
He chuckled and kissed her forehead. "There's only three of 'em. And I'm a lot bigger than all of 'em combined. How hard could it be?"
Yukina smiled brightly, her eyes wrinkling. "Yes. How hard could it be? Well, I have feeling you will find out tomorrow morning after I leave."
"Which reminds me," he smiled broadly, "I better say goodbye properly before you leave…"
Yukina giggled and stood back on her tiptoes to meet his lips in another kiss. "Yes. You better."
Kuwabara shifted his hold on Emi, placing her on his hip. The red-headed one year old made a noise of protest and reached both hands out, indicating she wanted the toy that her sister was holding. Amaya stuck her tongue out and teased the baby with the toy pony. "You can't have it," she taunted, holding it close to the baby, to allow the baby to almost touch it, before pulling it back out of reach. "You can't have it!"
"Amaya!" Kuwabara scolded, "That's not nice. You be nice to your sister."
Amaya looked at the toy in her hand. "Which one?" She asked, tilting her head to the side, and looking like a miniature copy of her mother.
"Both of them," Kuwabara said, his patience wearing thin.
Amaya snorted. "I don't wanna be nice to both of them!"
Emi let out a cry, reaching even harder for the toy pony.
Kuwabara shifted his hold on the baby, trying to turn her so she could no longer see her sister. Emi squirmed and fought against him. "I don't care if you don't wanna. You gotta."
At that moment, Ayame ran out of the bathroom, completely naked and yelling, "I'm a pretty princess! I'm a pretty princess!"
"No!" Amaya shouted back. "I'm the pretty princess! Me!" She dropped the pony to the floor and took off running after her twin sister.
Emi let out a loud cry and desperately tried to grab the forgotten pony on the floor. When Kuwabara didn't let her go, she screamed.
The girls ran by, one of them naked and both of them shouting, running circles around Kuwabara's legs.
"Ayame, you can't be a pretty princess until you've put some pants on!" Kuwabara called out shuffling on his feet as his twin daughters ran around him.
The turquoise haired four year old just squealed in response and ran away from her father and out of the living room. She ran into the kitchen with her twin sister at her heels.
When Kuwabara heard the refrigerator door open, he started to go deal with the situation, realizing in an instant if he didn't intervene they were liable to either lock themselves in the refrigerator or manage to take the contents of said refrigerator and fling them all over the kitchen. But Emi bit his hand. While trying to deal with his hurt finger and his fidgeting one year old, he clearly heard the noise of Tupperware opening, followed by the unmistakable sound of young girls screaming.
One of them started sobbing hysterically, and Kuwabara could only hope it was Ayame who took the brunt of the mess, considering she had already been naked.
He sighed loudly. "I think I'm in over my head."
"Twelve plus three," Yusuke said. He and his son sat at the kitchen table. The former spirit detective had a stack of flash cards in front of him, and one of the beige cards in his hand.
"That's easy!" The soon to be first grader exclaimed. "Fifteen."
Yusuke checked the answer on the back of the card. "Yep. Good job, buddy!" He shuffled the stack around and pulled out another. "Nine minus four."
"Five!" Keiichi said happily. "Like me. But not for long."
"That's right," Yusuke grinned.
"Five plus one is six!" Keiichi announced. "And I'll be five plus one in one month. Have you bought me presents yet, Papa?"
The dark haired man gave a nonchalant shrug. "Maybe."
Keiichi bounced in his chair. "You know what I want for my birthday?"
Yusuke shook his head. "What do you want, buddy?"
"I want a little brother. Not a little sister." He pointed an index finger at his father. "I get enough of that from Amaya and Ayame. I want a little brother."
His father chuckled nervously. "Well, buddy," he tugged on his shirt collar, "it'll take a little longer than a month to get a little brother and, uh, well, you see. These things, they take time, and-"
"Just have the stork meet you at the cabbage patch, Papa," Keiichi said in an exasperated tone of voice. "It's not that hard."
"You know," Yusuke narrowed his eyes slightly, "sometimes it's harder than you think. There's scheduling conflicts with the stork. You know, the stork is a busy guy. You can't always get him to the cabbage patch. And then when you can get him to the cabbage patch, he doesn't always stick around, because apparently you can pay all the money in the world for those freaking fertility shots but if your wife is too scared that the stork will fly away again it doesn't matter how much money you throw at the problem!"
Keiichi blinked up at his father, his chocolate brown eyes wide. "Um. What?"
Yusuke opened his mouth to speak.
Yusuke quickly closed his mouth, his brows furrowing. That had not been his voice.
Yusuke raised a hand and touched his mouth, happy to see that his lips were indeed closed. Breathing a sigh of relief he smiled at his son.
"Papa," Keiichi began unsurely, "I think Uncle Kuwabara is at the door."
"Oh." The former spirit detective said, smile fading. "Oh! Kuwabara was the one shouting my name. Oh, right, I'll go get the door."
When Yusuke opened the front door, he was surprised to find Kuwabara on their front porch, diaper bags on both arms, and a stroller that held three children in front of him. All three children, including the one year old, gave a loud noise when they saw their Uncle Yusuke in front of them.
Kuwabara looked at him with fear in his eyes. "Urameshi, man, I need help."
Yusuke studied the scene before him before eventually grinning like a Cheshire Cat. "I take it this your first time on Mr. Mom duty, Kuwabara?"
The comically tall red head nodded slowly.
Yusuke chuckled and shook his head. "Dude! You've only been married for – what?"
"Five years," Kuwabara answered.
"Right. Five years – wow! Really, five?"
Kuwabara raised an eyebrow. "I can't believe you don't know that."
"Pfft," Yusuke waved a hand at him, "I don't even know how long I've been married."
"Seven years," Kuwabara stated.
"Right, right. Seven years. Woah!" Yusuke slapped his palm against his forehead. "Seven years?! That's insane."
Kuwabara raised both eyebrows high up on his forehead. "Do you even know how old you are?"
Yusuke shrugged. "Give or take. Anyway, as I was saying! You've only been married for five years but this is your first time on Mr. Mom duty? You're a lucky bastard, I'll give you that."
Kuwabara glared and the two older girls giggled.
"Uncle Yusuke said a curse," Amaya said, pointing at the offending uncle.
Ayame nodded, a giant smile on her face. "He's gotta put money in the jar now!"
"Naw," Yusuke smiled down at the turquoise haired twins, "in my house there is no curse jar."
"Yeah, well, around my girls there is no cursing," Kuwabara stated in a threatening tone of voice.
"Oooh, I'm so scared!"
"Are you gonna help me or what?"
Yusuke sighed and stared at his best friend for a long, hard moment. "Fine. But it's my house, my rules. If you want to survive this, you'll have to follow my every command."
Kuwabara swallowed over the lump in his throat. "Man, you take this babysitting stuff seriously."
"First," the dark haired man announced, raising an index finger, "it's not called 'babysitting' if you're watching your own kids. Trust me; the women folk don't like that kind of talk. And I'm not gonna sport a black eye on your account. And second, this is the hardest job you will ever have."
"Wow, I didn't realize," Kuwabara said, scratching his temple.
Yusuke flashed him a crooked grin. "You've been warned."
Kuwabara laid Emi down on a towel on the floor, carefully unbuttoning her onesie. She was all gurgles and happy squeals as he reached into the pink diaper bag to pull out a diaper decorated in Sesame Street characters. He made faces at her and gurgled back as he took off her older diaper. But as soon as he tried to wipe her, she let out a terrible scream.
Tears leaking out of her eyes solidified and fell to the ground as gems. She tried to wiggle away from him, screaming as loud as her little lungs would allow.
"Hey, hey!" Kuwabara tried, holding up his hands in surrender. "It's okay, honey. I just gotta wipe ya 'cause you made a stinky. You don't need to cry."
Emi didn't listen to reason. She kept screaming and squirming.
Grimacing, Kuwabara wiped her as quickly as he could and put on her new diaper. He buttoned her onesie back up and lifted her off the ground. Emi stopped screaming, tears still on her face. He sighed when he realized the diaper was lopsided and not attached correctly. He was just about to put her back down to try again when –
"Kuwabara!" Yusuke's voice came from the other room, where he presumably had the other kids.
"Yeah?" Kuwabara called back.
"What's that smell?"
Kuwabara froze and looked at the dirty diaper by his knee. "Well, Emi went number two."
"No, no it smells like, I don't know man. Hey, did you start a load of laundry?"
"In your house?" Kuwabara asked. "Dude, I don't even start loads of laundry in my house."
"Then why is the dryer going?"
Kuwabara looked at Emi for answers. She tilted her red head to the side and reached out a hand, grabbing a hold of his nose.
"Hey, Kuwabara?" Yusuke called again.
"Do you have the girls with you?"
"Shi-Shnikeys!" He exclaimed. He was on his feet as quickly as he could be on his feet with a baby in his arms. He held Emi close to him and ran as fast as his legs could take him to the bathroom/laundry room. The dyer was running, emitting a very weird smell. To his immediate relief, the girls were sitting in a dry bathtub and giggling.
The giggling only increased when they saw their father enter the room.
"What are you guys drying?" He asked unsurely.
Amaya and Ayame looked at each other and shook their heads in synchronicity. Amaya put her index finger over her lips and "hushed" her sister.
Kuwabara's eyebrows knitted together and he walked over to the dryer. Holding his breath, he opened the dryer door.
Yusuke appeared behind him, Keiichi sitting on his shoulders.
"Woah," the little boy said as they gathered around the dryer's opening.
Kuwabara's mouth hung to his knees.
"Man," Yusuke said, shaking his head. "I had no idea paper melted."
Emi reached out a hand at the mess, trying to tell the men around her that she wanted a part of it.
"What," Kuwabara tried, moving Emi so she wasn't looking at the dryer anymore, "what do I do?"
Yusuke shrugged, grinning. "Put on some gloves and get to cleaning. I actually do use this thing, you know."
Kuwabara was pleased with himself. He had gotten Yusuke to clean the dryer (with Keiichi deciding to try and help his father) and had gotten the twins to sit down at the dining room table and color. He had put the baby in the high chair with a bottle of milk, and had put a box of frozen mac n' cheese in the oven for lunch. On the whole, he was handling 'Mr. Mom' duty better than he thought he would. And it was much easier than Yusuke had threatened it would be. He figured that had just been Urameshi trying to get under his skin like always, 'cause with crayons and bottles, Kazuma Kuwabara could handle anything.
Yusuke and Keiichi entered the kitchen. Yusuke wrung his hands together and cracked his neck, and Keiichi imitated his father's actions to the letter.
"Smells good," Yusuke told him with an appreciative nod.
"Yeah," Keiichi agreed, nodding at his father's side, "smells good."
"Thank you!" Kuwabara smiled. "I don't know what you were talking about, Urameshi. This Mr. Mom stuff is a piece of cake."
Yusuke grinned. "Oh, yeah? Where are the twins, anyway, Kuwabara?"
"You didn't, you didn't see 'em at the table?" Kuwabara asked, his brow furrowing.
"Weren't there when we walked by," Keiichi said.
Yusuke ruffled his son's hair. "What were they doing at the table, anyway?"
"I left 'em coloring," Kuwabara answered.
"Oh, dude," Yusuke shook his head. "You left the twins alone – with crayons?"
Kuwabara put his hand over his mouth, his eyes wide. The twins had colored a huge landscape scene of hills and flowers and sunshine in the hallway next to Keiichi's bedroom.
"It's pretty now, Daddy!" Ayame insisted.
Amaya nodded. "We thought Keiichi might want something pretty to look at, instead of his ugly dinosaurs."
Kuwabara shook his head, eyes glued to the huge crayon scene before him. He'd only left the girls alone for a few minutes – how had they managed to cover the whole hallway?
"Don't you like it, Daddy?" Ayame asked, blinking her red eyes up at him.
Yusuke and Keiichi walked in and Yusuke gasped.
"Holy cow!" He exclaimed.
Kuwabara, hand still clasped over his mouth, looked at his former teammate in absolute shock.
Yusuke slapped his palm against his forehead. "Holy milk loving cow!"
"It's pretty!" Amaya exclaimed, tugging on her father's pant leg. "Isn't it, Daddy? Say its pretty, Daddy!"
"Hey," Keiichi began, his nose wrinkling, "I think something is burning!"
Kuwabara let out a girly squeal and bolted out of the hallway shouting, "my macaroni!"
Yusuke, Keiichi, Amaya, Ayame, and Emi (who was seated in her Uncle's lap) were sitting around the kitchen table when Kuwabara came out carrying a tray of black mac n cheese. He placed it before them, a deep frown on his face.
For a moment, the group stared at the charred macaroni. Yusuke sighed and kissed the top of Emi's head. "Dude, I'm not eatin' that. We'll just go to the in-laws' for free ramen."
The kids collectively let out a shout of agreement.
Kuwabara whined deep in his throat and hung his head. "My poor macaroni."
"Your poor macaroni!" Yusuke exclaimed. "My poor stove! I've never seen that much smoke before."
Kuwabara sighed. "I miss Yukina."
A/N: That's all I have written for now. Let me know if you think I should continue; reviews always motivate. Unless they, you know, they don't want me to continue. And then they ... unmotivate?