It Can't Get Any Better Than This

Dear Journal,

Well. Come on!

You wanna know don't you? Well, guess what?

We won!

YES!

So we all got done with our stuff, right? OK, so Sadie and Harold's antipasto was great, and DJ and Bridgette's spaghetti must have been AWESOME because they got on 15 on a scale of 1 to 10.

Then the gophers totally lost their main course when Owen ate it. Lashawnna was screaming really loud, and I felt bad for her and all the other girls on their team, but hey! It was good for us, so I can't complain.

Things seemed to be going great until Duncan and I took the stage. You know, I didn't think I would be as nervous as I was, but I found myself to the point of almost biting my nails. I haven't done that since I was twelve! And then, out of the blue, Duncan put a hand on my shoulder and smiled at me. And I was so touched I just got lost in his eyes and had to smile back.

I mean, I felt like a big sap, but my heart started beating really fast and everything and I just wanted to hug Duncan.

But, even with that tiny lump of encouragement… we got a six. A six! Do you know what that means? 60%, a D-, a FAILURE.

I held my head down in shame but still took notice to how Duncan didn't remove his hand from my shoulder.

So I was all scared that the gophers were gonna win, because even though we were ahead… their dessert looked really good. I was so upset I thought I might cry.

But then the greatest thing happened! (For us, not for them)

It like, pretty much exploded, and then when Chris tried to eat what little was left, HE CHOCKED! It was a great moment for everyone to see that asshole chock.

But unfortunately, he didn't die (damn).

But then, he asked what it was, and Lindsay was all "It's Heathers recipe" and then said that she just remembered she was locked in the freezer. My only thought was this day just couldn't get ANY better!

She was almost blue looking, and her eyebrows were messed up! And then she went off about the decorations on the table, and Beth said it was her tiki doll she had got from BONEY ISLAND! If anything, this challenge was just more and more awesome when she was reminded that it was cursed. I don't believe in curses, but I started to believe in this one and how much I was loving it!

And then Chris told us that we would be enjoying a five star dinner under the stars for winning! It was awesome, and then to top it all off, Duncan hugged me! He hugged me, and my heart like leapt like a million feet in the air, and then-

I was forced back into reality.

I told Duncan, 'put me down' sweetly, and then seriously 'put me down' with a bit of a threat. He put me down immediately because after the last time I got mad at him I think he didn't want me to kick him in some new place.

But still, it's so awesome that we won! Maybe I'll let Duncan hug me longer next time, but I'm not going to promise anything!


And Of Course It Gets Worse

Dear Journal,

Oh no! Oh crap!

OH MAN!

Dammit!

You know how sometimes, you're just feeling completely awesome one second, then someone points one tiny detail out and it ruins all of the greatness? Like the feeling of security and happiness just disappears?

Well, Bridgette is pretty damn good at making me feel that.

Even after we won the challenge she had to go and make me all mad about something else. Way to be optimistic, Bridge.

Well, I was going to wear what I always wear to the 'dinner under the stars' reward, but then Bridgette was all, "You're wearing that?" Like I was about to wear a fruit basket on my head or something.

And of course I was wearing THAT, this, I mean. Why wouldn't I be?

Bridgette said I should wear something fancy, like a dress, or a dressy type of top or something. Yeah, I packed some things like that, but only because my mom made me. I'm not one to dress up all extravagant, I mean, I will when people are going to be looking at me and stuff, but not to a freaking dinner.

Then Bridgette said that I had to 'woo' Duncan, and I told her I didn't care about him, but dear lord, we all know THAT's the biggest lie in the world. Of course I care about what Duncan thinks of me, what he thinks when he sees me.

And now I'm feeling really stupid because I have to wear something not too extravagant, but really pretty and hot, and I also have to 'woo' Duncan. Since when have I been trying to 'woo' him?

The real question is when was I not? It's hard to remember when I first started to gain an interest in him. It's hard to think about time's when I didn't have an interest in him. Ugh! It seems to me that this whole show is revolving around him when it comes to me.


Maybe, Maybe, Probably Not

Dear Journal,

OK. I'm about to go. I'm so nervous!

I'm wearing some shorts and a really pretty white dressy-type top that I wore when I was getting interviewed for my book Total Triumph for Teens. Maybe if I wear this top, I'll feel as confident as I did then.

Maybe.

Just maybe.

Maybe not.

Maybe yes!

Probably not.

UGH!


Hand Holding, Talk About WOW!

Dear Journal,

So actually…

It wasn't that bad.

Actually…

It was awesome! Just so super fantastic… just awesome! I just…

Here's how it all went.

I walked down with Bridgette and Sadie to this big open spot on the beach, and big long tables had been set up, and then were stacked with food.

Like ACTUAL food.

Duncan and Geoff were already digging in, DJ was feeding bunny at one of the candle-lit tables, and Harold was using some type of nerd-device and pointing in to the night sky, while eating one of the gourmet cheeseburgers.

So we went to go get in on some of that food, because it's before for ever since I actually had a meal and enjoyed it, and everyone sat down around one big table, Bridgette and DJ beside me, Harold, Sadie and Geoff beside them and Duncan straight across from me. It was one of the first times I think we all felt like a real team, and every seemed to get along.

We all ate really quiet for a few minutes, like there was no sound other than us chewing, because the food was that damn good. Maybe it wasn't really good. I don't know. All I know is that after not eating real food for weeks anything other than Chef's cooking was like heaven in my mouth.

After we finished we started talking about the challenges and about life back home. Soon we got on the topic of our families and friends. Apparently Bridgette's friends back home are all in a surfing competition that she had been training months for, but when she got the chance to come to TDI, she just couldn't pass it up.

DJ talked about how hard it had been to leave his momma back home and Geoff said he felt the same about his bro's. Duncan then said he couldn't have left sooner to get away from his house. He seemed to be the only one of us who was glad to leave home- and juvie, he added on.

And then, of course, just like it ALWAYS happens, somehow everyone ends up walking away and back to their cabins except me and him (and Harold, but he had gone far away to the edge of the beach to his device again).

Duncan then asked me about my parents, giving me a smirk and saying I was gonna have to fess up sometime. I guess he must have noticed the look on my face because he then said that I didn't have to talk about it if I didn't want to.

But I think when Duncan said that, something clicked. I think I… I trust him. A lot. And I felt like he could know.

I told him about how my mom had died of breast cancer when I was twelve and now I live with my Dad and two siblings, and I saw him take a deep breath. Then he told me he was sorry and that he didn't mean to pressure me into saying it. But I think when I told Duncan it was fine, I meant it. I've never told Bridgette about my mom, so why did I tell Duncan?

We were quiet for a second but then he said that it was getting late and that we should go back to the cabins. I nodded, and slowly, we walked back.

And do you want to know what made this night so amazing, so great, so spectacular?

He held my hand!

I don't know how it happened, but while we were walking he just managed to slip his fingers into mine and hold it softly. When I brought my eyes up to look at him, he was turned away from me. I could have sworn he was blushing.

We got back to the cabins and all he said was, "Goodnight Courtney", and there's my name again, sending that jolt of electricity through me that I just don't understand. He walked into his side of the cabin before I could say anything, and I'm glad, because my mouth went dry and I'm pretty sure my jaw was on the ground.

And now, I mean… talk about WOW! I just… my heart… I'm so happy. And I'm confused but I'm happy, and… wow.


It's Weird And Strange, I'm Not Pissed Off?

Dear Journal,

Ugh. We have to go to the Mess Hall to eat. Good thing I'm totally stuffed from last night. But apparently Chris is going to announce another challenge.

I'm still a bit… happy from last night. I don't know how to explain it, but I don't feel all mad at Duncan like I usually do! It's weird, it's strange, I…

Everyone's leaving. I guess I ought to see exactly what this challenge is.


Confusing Coffee Mug Crimes

Dear Journal,

Why does he act so stupid? I mean, I am really wondering if I can trust him. I think I do, but then again, I don't!

I mean how can I trust him if he steals coffee mugs? Why the hell would Duncan need a coffee mug? That's right, he doesn't. He has no reason for stealing this stuff, and yet that doesn't keep him from doing it! He's just being a pig.

I keep trying to watch out for him, and then he keeps saying that he didn't know I cared. I mean, I don't care, not really, only a little, he's a valuable team member. I kind of like him but I'm convinced this must be a phase.

He's just sending me a ton of mixed signals and it's confusing as hell. One minute, he's holding my hand and blushing, and the next he's teasing me. I'm mad because he's just not the same person he was yesterday, he's the person he was the day before that. Ugh, now I'm confusing MYSELF!

This is just stupid! I don't know how much more of this I can handle, and I don't know if I can trust Duncan as a friend, yet alone something… more. It's just getting kind of stupid. I feel like I'm seeing two different sides of him and it's pushing me back and forth and I don't think I can take it anymore!

If he gives me one reason, ONE good, solid reason that he is an actual OK guy, who knows. But I can't keep messing around with him! Is he an asshole, or is he… Duncan?

Gosh, I feel like a little kid, acting all stupid over some guy! What is wrong with me? I really hope this is just a phase, and then again, I don't. Ugh. This is all so confusing.


I Do, I Don't, I Really Don't Care!

Dear Journal,

Chris called us all out to dock, and I swear to god, if took all my strength to not kill Duncan in that time.

I mean, I want things to be simple, but he makes it so complicated! Nothing should be this hard to deal with, but he makes it impossible! Why can't he just be the way he really is? When he's nice, when he's sweet, when he's not a total douche bag?

But whatever. I don't care!

I don't!

Chris called us out there, and he mentioned something about how some people were having problems, and Duncan took that as a chance to elbow me in my side. So I couldn't help but push his ass down. I mean, he knows my ribs are ticklish! Why would he elbow me?

Does he think this is all some big joke? Because I'd like to see the humor in all of this.

But now Chris says we have some big challenge based on trust. Well, I truly don't know what to do. I don't know who to trust, and I certainly don't know if it's right to trust Duncan and his stupid self.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. I kind of want to give up on Duncan, but then again, I really don't!

But I don't care. I swear, I don't. OK, maybe a little, but I don't!


You Don't See That Every Day, Pig

Dear Journal,

Well, we lost the first part of the challenge. Apparently, Chris gets to pick who we team up with, and may I just say that I barely trust any of these people at all? The only one I really trust other than Bridgette is probably…

Anyways, losing that first challenge really pisses me off. Mostly because I really thought we could win this since it was Duncan and DJ, two very good friends, against Gwen and Heather. I mean, those two hate each other! If you ask me, it doesn't make any sense that we lost.

Of course, if you ask me, Duncan should have been the one scaling the wall, I mean, he is the one who has escaped juvenile hall before… and it wouldn't hurt to see him from behind…

Dear lord, what is wrong with me? We just lost a challenge and all I can think about is… well, him! He's too confusing to think about, too confusing to trust. He looks at Gwen's underwear, can't support DJ when he's falling…

Ugh! He makes me so angry! I mean, what's wrong with him. "You don't see that every day!" Well, I should hope that you don't see Gwen's panties every day, Duncan, especially since you hit on me all the time! That pig! Doesn't he realize that he can't do that? Doesn't he ever think about how that makes me feel? How that makes me hurt and how…

How much I need to calm down? I'm getting way too worked up over nothing, I swear. Duncan isn't important- I came here to win. If I can just keep that in mind, and keep him off my mind, maybe things will start to look up.


Really Bad Food

Dear Journal,

So Lindsay and Trent apparently went up against Bridgette and Geoff in some eating challenge (good thing it's not Owen on the other team). Bridgette seemed really happy about being able to do a trust challenge with Geoff, so I hoped the best for them, and for our team.

Anyway, we won that one! Apparently Trent is kind of comatose due to the food (must have been really bad) but he'll be okay later.

And I think Bunny is missing or something. Bridgette told me something bad happened, thank god, I hated that stupid bunny.


Poor Bunny

Dear Journal,

Now we have to do 'The Three Blind Challenges' and I'm pretty sure Sadie is going to maim me with those apples.

Also, Bridgette told me everything that happened to Bunny. Apparently, a snake ate Bunny, which was then eaten by an eagle, which was then eaten by a shark.

…Yeah, this place is pretty messed up.