Author's note: Um...I have no idea what I was on when I wrote this. Been in an APH obsession lately and the "vital regions" thing kept popping up in my head and then I thought Prussia/Gilbert (whatever you wanna call him) = Hidan. HENCE THIS CRACK...THING. I was giggling the entire time I wrote this XDDisclaimer: I own nothing, not even the vital regions line.



Deidara's day hadn't been anything spectacular. He'd made some art, traveled to a random village, blew it up, and came back to the base. A pretty normal day, by his standards. It became abnormal when a familiar head of silver hair crossed his vision followed by a hand grabbing at his….crotch. Deidara shrieked and jumped at least a few inches.

The smirk on Hidan's face as he squeezed in between Deidara's legs increased. "I have seized your vital regions," he said triumphantly before releasing him and running out the blonde's door.

***

Tobi had heard Deidara shriek from down the hall and perked up. What had happened to his senpai? He stood up and started walking down the hall to Deidara's room when a pair of hands came from behind him and grabbed at the front of his pants. He squeaked and turned his head. "H-Hidan-san?! What are you doing to Tobi?"

Hidan smirked and blew into the masked man's eyehole. "I have seized your vital regions," was all he said before letting go and slinking off.

***

It should have been a quiet day at the lair. Itachi was trying to enjoy a book when he noticed something amiss in the room. There seemed to be an unwanted Jashinist with him. "Hidan…what are you doing in here?" he sighed. "I was under the impression you couldn't read."

"Fuck you," the other snarled from behind him. Itachi looked up with a bored expression, clearly unimpressed. Hidan attacked his mouth while simultaneously grabbing the Uchiha's crotch. Itachi's eyes widened and he whimpered as the larger man squeezed.

"What…the hell…" he growled, flushed.

Hidan pecked his nose and mumbled, "I've seized your vital regions." And then he was off, leaving Itachi to stare open-mouthed after him.

***

Kisame didn't like other people knowing about his pet fish, Lulu. He actually hadn't told anyone about her (yes, it was a girl). Currently he was feeding her and just watching her swim around in her tank.

And then a hand grabbed his crotch.

Kisame yelped and threw the fish food into the air, where it promptly landed in the fish tank. The shark man made a sound of despair and turned his head, wanting to kill whoever it was behind him. He was surprised to see Hidan smirking up at him as he squeezed him.

"…Hidan?"

"I have seized your vital regions," he said before rushing off, leaving Kisame bewildered and now pet-less (since Lulu ended up eating the entire bag of food that had been dropped, as a result, killing her).

***

Zetsu never expected anything to surprise him in his life. He was the one surprising people mostly. However, morphing out of a wall only to have Hidan reach out and grab his crotch, well…he was surprised. And a little bit freaked out.

He was very tempted to just eat him. But then he'd get lectured by Pein and he really wasn't in the mood for a lecture. So he waited and watched as Hidan squeezed him with a deranged smile on his face. "Are you done, Hidan?" he asked. "You're not going to find anything unusual. It's the same kind of package you have, idiot."

"I have seized your vital regions," the silver-haired man said before running off down the hall to Pein's office.

"…Huh?"

***

Pein didn't like people interrupting his work. He was trying to find some file on the shelf behind him when he heard the door open. "Who is it?" he growled. No answer. "If it's not important, leave."

With his back still turned, he wasn't able to notice the Jashinist behind him, snaking his arms around the pierced man's chest before grabbing his crotch firmly. Pein stiffened as he was squeezed and turned his head. "Hidan…?"

"I have seized your vital regions," he smirked, before releasing him and walking out the door.

***

Kakuzu knew Hidan was up to something. He'd known the silver-haired man long enough to know when he was scheming. And after hearing various shrieks and other assorted sounds throughout the day, he wasn't sure if he really wanted to know what his partner had been up to.

Hidan came back to their shared room with a huge smirk on his face. "What the hell did you do?" Kakuzu growled from his bed where he was counting money.

"Nothing…just…seized some vital regions," he laughed.

Kakuzu blinked. "…Seized…some…vital regions?"

"Yep. Best fucking day ever, seriously." He almost laid himself down on his bed before sitting up really fast and looking over at Kakuzu. "I almost forgot…I missed one person!"

"Eh?" Hidan smirked as he crawled over to Kakuzu. "Hidan…what the fuck are you doing?"

"I'm gonna seize your vital regions…"

"You will not be seizing any of my regions!" Kakuzu snapped, grabbing his money and backing away from his deranged partner. "Now go away and be a good little masochist! Go run in front of a tractor!"

"C'mon, Kuzu~" Hidan reached his hand out towards Kakuzu's crotch.

The larger man narrowed his eyes and grabbed Hidan's wrist. He pulled it behind the younger man's back and smirked. He then quickly thrust himself inside Hidan, who gasped, and chuckled darkly. His free hand reached around to grab Hidan's crotch before sneering into his ear, "It seems I've occupied your vital regions."