Juno 2: To Infinite Immaturity And Beyond!
Chapter 1: Happy 17th Birthday!
There was nothing being done to cover up my supposed 'surprise party'.
Brenda was discreetly blowing up balloons in her bedroom thinking I couldn't hear her. Dad was shifting through dusty cookbooks for a recipe dedicated to birthday cakes. And Liberty Bell was practically shouting from the rooftops saying that my party was a surprise and I wasn't meant to know it.
Yep. Discreet the MacGuffs are.
It happened to be the day before my party and I was walking in a supermarket with best pal Leah. "You know Juno, I've finally found a way for my airbags to deploy to full size," she informed me drawing glances from other shoppers.
I was confused. "And by that, you mean?"
"My Bazooka Joes, of course," Leah replied. I think she was talking about her boobs but she could've been talking about her brain. You know what I'm saying; maybe she was talking about doing well in school and being intelligent and letting her brain grow with wisdom and knowledge.
"My tits Juno, if you want to be frank."
Cross intelligence off list please; instead add 'implants'.
"Look Leah," I told her. "Your boobs are perfectly fine, they don't need to grow any bigger. I mean, some women can't even fit through their shower doors or in airplane toilets because their bongos are too engorged."
She laughed and replied; "No, not that big but just bigger so men actually realize that I have a rack."
"You know, you go completely off topic. One minute we're talking about my evident surprise party then we're talking about you're grandmother's karaoke skills and now we're talking about your boobs!" I yelled astonished. "Besides Leah, you've gone out with heaps of guys; remember Timothy Ryans?"
"Yeah, then I found out that he was my third cousin, I can only thank God we didn't kiss or anything," Leah said. "Besides, Kevin would really appreciate these if they were bigger."
Here was her teacher fetish in the bombing zone.
"Kevin is a teacher who is forty two years old! You're not even at a legal age to be with him!"
"Yeah, but when I am, we'll be ready to take the first step." Leah replied dreamily.
"He's married!" I yelled.
Leah's face kind of transformed into the Monster from Green Lagoon then she turned normal and said; "Anyway, I know how to get my boobs bigger!"
"A way that doesn't involve having a collision with a truck?" I muttered.
"Nothing. You were saying?"
"Yeah, the answer is chicken from KFC! They practically pump hormones into those chicken that can put hormones into your body after consuming them and therefore resulting in Jugs replacing Mugs!"
I picked a Mars bar from a shelf and pocketed it. "Fascinating, hope it works out for you." I started walking towards the exit of the shop before Leah stopped me.
In a low voice, she asked; "Juno, aren't you supposed to pay for that!"
I raised one eyebrow; "When you've given birth at sixteen, we'll talk."
"But I'm already sevente –"
"We'll talk…later, see you at the part-tay!"
Best Mars bar of my life.
After school the next day, my birthday, the day I came out of womb, the day my Mum aimed and fired, whatever you want to call it, was the start of my surprise party.
I opened the door and was greeted by a shout of 'Surprise!". I did an Oscar-deserving impression of being surprised with my eyes wide and my mouth as open as it could go (my fist could fit in there).
Dad, Brenda, Librety Bell, Leah, Bleeker, and – who was that! She looked familiar with hair like mine and a face like mine and – (Shocked gasp) It was my Mum!
"Uh…hi Mum, it's great to see you!" I faked happiness. Stupid cactus-mailing fungus face!
"Oh Junebug!" she exclaimed. "How could I miss this event?"
"You missed every other birthday, can't imagine why this one would be any different. Are they handing out free condoms so you have less children to abandon?"
"Juno!" my Dad exclaimed. "She has come here to make amends which I think is just *cough* wonderful."
"Yeah, sunshine, lollipops and rainbows everything," I muttered.
Bleeker was looking awkwardly at the two of us before snapping his fingers. "Now I finally realize why she looks so much like you Juno!"
"Great. Delayed reaction was too soon I think," I replied sarcastically.
Brenda (thank you God for Brenda), suddenly clapped her hands and said; "Okay settle down people. It's Juno's party okay so friends and family and Juno's mother please sit down and I'll bring out the presents."
I grudgingly sat down on the couch next to Mum and watched Leah openly scratch her boobs. I pssted towards Leah who looked up and I mouthed; "What's with the itching?" To which she replied openly; "This padding is really itchy. Maybe I should've bought polyester instead of sheep wool."
"Why buy sheep wool bra padding?" I asked with raised eyebrows.
"I guess the fantasy of lying naked in a meadow filled with sheep appeals to me. And then Kevin arrives with his shirt off and starts to –"
"Present time!" Bren yelled holding a pile of wrapped packages.
First present was from Leah who was clapping her hands in anticipation as I removed the wrapping. I gawped with happiness. "Is this a – a – the signed giant guitar pick signed by Mick Jagger, Ringo Starr, Michael Stipe and even Freddie Mercury? The guitar pick in the display case at the Museum for sale. You bought it for me?"
"Hells yeah and it wasn't cheap so I expect a Ferrari from you for my next birthday!" Leah replied happy that I was happy.
"You got it," I replied before picking up the next package from Bleeker.
It was shaped like a trapezium and quite big. I opened it and saw a gleaming blue Les Paul guitar in there. I was instantly reminded of Mark from my pregnant period of destruction. But my eyes glazed with tears of joy. Bleeker who hadn't said a word to me at all at the party finally spoke; "It's not much but –"
"Don't be a shithead and kiss me!" I ordered before running off the couch and kissing Bleek for a full minute.
Dad interrupted; "This is fascinating and I've got a canoe in the garage but can we please continue?"
I put my two already favorite presents aside and picked up the next one. From Mum. I struggled not to chuck it through the window.
I opened it and saw that it was a 120GB iPod video. "Um…thanks!" I was surprised to actually be grateful and I even reluctantly gave Mum a hug.
I saw that was the end of the presents and I turned to face Dad. "You forgot didn't you?"
"Look, I promise I'll get you a present tomorrow if you go take the garbage out now please Juno." Dad replied.
"On my birthday even?" I asked.
"Just put the garbage outside please."
I took the huge bag of trash from the kitchen and walked outside and saw a shiny red Corvette in the driveway. I screamed out loud and Dad ran and saw my look of happiness. "You got me a car Dad! I love you so much!"
"Um…no…Juno that's your Mum's car but I suppose your present is over there." He said pointing in the opposite direction. I screamed even louder as I saw a brand new blue electric scooter. "I love it more than a car!"
"I know you do sweetheart but as soon as you hit someone with it…well it's confiscated!" Dad said firmly. "Plus I also got it so no more backseat conceptions could happen."
"Dad, I didn't have sex in the backseat of a car –"
"That's nice dear!"
" –I had it on a chair remember that old –"
"Do I hear them singing happy birthday?"
" –okay Dad you win but it was on a chair not in the backseat!"
We both walked inside.
I guess in a way (apart from my Mum showing up) it was the best party ever.
Little did I know that Mum visiting and coming back into my life would result in a big problem!