Disclaimer: Hogan's Heroes is owned by Bing Crosby Productions. No copyright infringement is intended.
Colonel Robert E. Hogan, serial number 0876707, senior POW officer of Stalag 13, spy, saboteur extraordinaire, lady's man and all-around swell guy suddenly found himself sprawled on the floor of his quarters instead of cuddled up snugly in his nice cold uncomfortable bunk. It took several seconds before Hogan figured out that he had actually rolled out of bed. What the hell? Feeling rather foolish, Hogan carefully listened to make sure none of his men had been awakened by the sudden noise. Secure in the knowledge that his escapade would remain secret, he quietly crawled back into bed. Good thing I decided to start sleeping in the lower bunk. I must have been having some kind of dream….
"Colonel, it must be terribly hard and boring for you to live all locked-up in that horrible prisoner-of-war camp. All alone, with just other men to keep you company."
"What, I'm sorry, what did you say?"Hogan wasn't really listening to the blonde woman standing by the window. He was more interested in her movements and how her dress flattered her perfect figure.
"The POW camp, Colonel. Don't you find it demeaning to have to answer to that horrible Kommandant, after you were in command of all those men and those planes?" The woman, Hogan didn't catch her name, carried the two glasses of wine over to the sofa. Placing the wine on the coffee table, she patted the cushion and motioned that Hogan should sit down.
Hogan, knowing full well that the woman was a well-trained Gestapo agent, shrugged and did as he was told. He was more than capable of handling any Gestapo agent that came along, even if they were female. "We all have to make sacrifices in a war." Hogan decided to ignore the wine. He moved in closer to the woman. "And we all have to adapt to a change in command." The two of them started to kiss.
"Adapt, Colonel? I understand you've adapted very well." The woman was beginning to lose her train of thought. "Perhaps," she paused as she came up for air, "perhaps you can share with me some of the secret ways you have of staying in control, of helping the allied war effort."
Hogan pulled back and laughed. "I know what you're trying to do. Listen, here's a secret. It's not going to work, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy our time together."
The woman stopped and stared at the man who was supposed to be her sworn enemy. "Colonel, you may think you will never divulge any secrets, but that doesn't mean I will stop trying to get them out of you."
"If you want to think that, well we can continue this interrogation all evening." Hogan had hours to go before roll call.
As the two were locked in an embrace, the door to the apartment flew open. Major Hochstetter, his face red in anger, stormed into the room.
"Greta," he screamed. "How can you let this man, the most dangerous man in Germany, fool you like this? I sent you on a mission and you end up like, like…" Hochstetter was so furious; the only sound he could get out was a frustrated squeal. He moved behind the sofa and stamped his foot.
By now, Hogan had heard enough. I really can't take anymore of this Nazi twit. Without missing a beat and still locked in a passionate embrace, Hogan reached into his jacket, whipped out his luger and fired. Hochstetter dropped.
The woman pulled back. "You shot him without even looking!"
"My men always said I had eyes in back of my head. I just killed your boss, didn't I?"
"It doesn't matter." The woman was unconcerned by the turn of events. "He was an annoying, evil man. We'll worry about him later." She smiled, "Now Colonel, shall we continue our questioning?"
Hogan smiled back. "Right where we left off." The woman and Hogan found themselves entangled on the sofa when …
It took several seconds for Hogan to realize that he had fallen out of his bunk.