A/N: I've been uploading loads of stories recently, no idea where they're coming from. I shouldn't complain though... Anywho, this story was born after casting an eye over a few Mary-Sue fics. If I'm honest I didn't even know what a Mary-Sue was until I joined up on , but as soon as I did I was fascinated by them. They're hilarious, really (even though the ones I read weren't meant to be). So I've finally decided to have a go at my own Mary-Sue story. And there has to be Daleks. So, Daleks and Mary-Sues... I hope you enjoy it :D
Disclaimer: I own a Mr Ozio CD and a David Bowie poster. No Who there I'm afraid.
Doctor Who and the Sueification Machine
The Daleks were sick of losing. It was just getting beyond a joke really. Recently it seemed like every time they had asserted themselves as the dominant species in a particular area something went wrong. Usually due to some ridiculous reason like having the 'Destruct All Daleks' button on the same controls they used to make the coffee. Or because they were too busy arsing about shouting 'Exterminate' or 'Appreciate' or 'Pro-create' and other words ending in –ate to kill their enemies when they had the chance.
After the shambles that was the frankly insane plan to set off a dimension canon (half the Daleks hadn't even understood what they were doing that day, it just sounded like fun) their numbers had dwindled drastically. The only reason four Daleks survived was because they hadn't been wearing their tracking kits that kept them linked up with the rest of the fleet. If the Supreme Dalek had found out before he exploded he would have zapped some pepper-pot behinds. But, as it turned out, there was no one to bollock the last four Daleks for their slip-up as all of the obedient Daleks had carked it.
As soon as everything went tits up, the four remaining Daleks slipped out under the radar and flew through space until they found the nearest, safest little planet so they could recover. When they had landed the planet had been full with strange bipedal creatures, but a bit of shouting and some zapping soon cleared them up. So now, with the entire Dalek Fleet destroyed and the Time Lord and his human companions lording it over Earth, the Daleks had to come up with a new plan.
'I AM SICK OF THESE FAIL-ING PLANS.' Dalek Fez cried, making circular motions with his plunger to emphasise his annoyance. 'WE NEED TO THINK OF SOME-THING THAT WILL PROP-ER-LY ASS-ERT OUR DOM-IN-ANCE IN THE GAL-AX-Y IN-STEAD OF MAK-ING US LOOK LIKE ID-I-OTS.'
Dalek Dave turned his eyestalk towards the other three. He usually kept himself to himself, partly because he rarely had anything of use to say (he was one of the few Daleks who found megalomania hard to embrace) but mostly because he coincidently had a name that was very common amongst humans. For that, the other Daleks tended to gang up on him. 'PER-HAPS WE SHOULD JUST GET A NICE SUM-MER PLACE,' Dalek Dave suggested. 'TAKE A TIME OUT TO THINK OF A BET-TER PLAN. ONE THE DOC-TOR WILL NOT RUIN SO EAS-IL-Y.'
'SHUT UP DAVE.' Dalek Thel screamed at him. 'STOP TALKING OUT OF YOUR PLUNG-ER. THE TIME LORD WILL NOT EX-PECT US TO ATT-ACK SO SOON AFTER DEF-EAT-ING US.'
'HE DID NOT SEEM TOO SUR-PRISED IN NEW YORK.' Dalek Sarc pointed out. 'I THINK WE SHOULD JUST HOLD UP SOME INN-O-CENT TOWN ON EARTH, WAIT UNTIL HE ARR-IVES AND EX-TERM-IN-ATE HIM. THAT IS WHY WE AL-WAYS FAIL. WE LET HIM RAMB-LE ON ABOUT IN-SIG-NIF-I-CANT THINGS IN-STEAD OF JUST SHOOT-ING HIM.'
'YES,' Dalek Fez screeched. 'I THINK WE HAVE GATH-ER-ED THAT.'
'I THINK I MIGHT HAVE A PLAN.' Dalek Dave offered, raising his plunger tentatively.
'PER-HAPS WE COULD POSE AS INN-O-CENT CREA-TURES AND LURE THE DOC-TOR TO US.' Dalek Sarc said, following suit with the others and ignoring Dalek Dave completely. 'WE COULD PUT ON WIGS. THEN WHEN THE DOC-TOR LEAST EX-PECTS IT, WE SHALL JUMP OUT AND EX-TERM-IN-ATE HIM.'
'SARC,' Dalek Thel screamed at him. 'YOU REALLY NEED TO EX-TERM-IN-ATE SOME-THING.'
'I KNOW,' Dalek Sarc screamed back. 'IT WAS NO FUN IN ACC-OUNT-ANTS.'
'I THINK I HAVE A PLAN-' Dalek Dave tried again.
'DAVE, CAN'T YOU SEE WE ARE TRY-ING TO THINK OF SOME-THING TO CAP-TURE THE DOC-TOR? STOP IN-TER-UPT-ING.' Dalek Fez ordered.
'BUT I THINK I HAVE A PLAN.' Dalek Dave insisted.
'I THINK DAVE HAS A PLAN.' Dalek Thel pointed out.
'FINE,' Dalek Fez shrieked. 'WHAT IS YOUR PLAN, DAVE?'
'WELL,' Dalek Dave moved from side to side nervously and pointed his eyestalk down. 'THE DOC-TOR SEEMS VERY FOND OF HU-MAN BE-INGS, SO PER-HAPS IF WE CRE-ATED THE ULT-I-MATE FE-MALE COMP-AN-ION, ONE THAT THE DOC-TOR COULD NOT RES-IST, WE COULD USE IT AS A WEA-PON TO FIN-ALLY EX-TERM-IN-ATE HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL.'
The other Daleks looked at Dalek Dave long enough to make him very uncomfortable. Then they pointed their eyestalks at each other.
'I'VE GOT IT,' Dalek Fez announced suddenly. 'AS THE DOC-TOR IS SO FOND OF HU-MANS, WE COULD USE THEM TO BRING HIM DOWN ONCE AND FOR ALL.'
'GEN-I-US!' Dalek Sarc cried.
'IT CAN-NOT FAIL!' Dalek Thel agreed.
'THEN THAT IS OUR PLAN.' Dalek Fez announced. 'AND SINCE I CAME UP WITH THE PLAN, I WILL OVER-SEE IT.'
Dalek Dave raised his plunger. 'IT WAS MY PL-'
'WE MUST GET TO EARTH!' Dalek Fez screamed. 'THE PLAN WILL BE REF-ERR-ED TO AS THE MARY-SUE PRO-JECT!'
'EX-CELL-ENT!' Dalek Thel cried.
'WHY CALL IT THE MARY-SUE PRO-JECT?' Dalek Sarc asked.
'MARY-SUE IS A COM-MON HU-MAN NAME.' Dalek Fez explained.
'NOT AS COM-MON AS DAVE.' Dalek Thel replied.
'IT'S NOT MY FAULT!' Dalek Dave insisted.
'SILENCE!' Dalek Fez screamed. 'ACT-IV-ATE TEMP-OR-AL SHIFT!'
The Daleks activated their temporal shifts. Three of them vanished in a flash of light. Dalek Dave struggled with his activation sequence.
'ACT-IV-ATE YOU STU-PID-'
There was a fourth and final flash, and Dalek Dave disappeared.