This is it…my parody of Sonic Adventure! Disclaimer: I don't own SEGA, the Sonic characters, Grand Theft Auto, Zelda: Ocarina of Time, the Geico Gecko, New York, Guitar Hero, the "rocket that looks like a-" scene from Austin Powers, the Kemo/Tristan fight scene from Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series, anything else from Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series (expect LOTS of references to it throughout the fic), the term schwanzstucker (That's from Young Frankenstein), Monty Python (Not in this chapter, but later), the laws of physics (whoever owns those must be REALLY rich by now!), or any other of the tons of pop-culture references made in this! Wow… that was a long disclaimer!
Anyways, this is teasing the actual GAME version of Sonic Adventure, not the version done on Sonic X (last I remember, the first fight against Chaos was at NIGHT-TIME, not in the middle of the day!). Also, I make up a LOT of things that didn't happen in the game (like Knuckles' back-story).
Let's start by teasing the opening montage of the game…
First, the image of New York-I mean, STATION SQUARE was shown, followed by a sudden sewage backup in there. People started running around panicking, mainly because they had trouble figuring out who they should sue FIRST for this!
As the city's manholes were lifted up by spouts of water, suddenly a giant wave came in. This flooded the whole city and totally ripped off the movie The Day After Tomorrow.
Suddenly, the windows on one of the flooded buildings started breaking level by level. One would normally assumed that this was caused by looters taking advantage of the situation, but then the water spouting out of these broken windows turned into…a giant blob!
As the giant blob started forming into a monster's head, it sent out a roar that actually sounded like "aroo…".
Then, a scream from SOME RANDOM GUY could be heard. But he was NOT screaming about the creature! What he was actually yelling was, "What the (bleep) happened to my car?! WATER DAMAGE?! My insurance company had better cover this, OR ELSE…"
Just then, a random gecko came on and said, "You know, with Geico you could have covered more of that on a better rate, while…" and he continued telling the guy how to choose his car insurance. IT WORKED.
Meanwhile, the montage continued by showing the MAIN CHARACTER going at a high rate of speed, making THE PLAYER wonder "How the hell is he not crashing? He's just going past all of those trees, despite the fact that anything moving at that speed wouldn't be able to SEE obstacles coming!"
Just as THE PLAYER is wondering about this, Sonic the Hedgehog crashed into a tree from his high speed. While Sonic rubbed his head and said "Owwww…", THE PLAYER is laughing his/her ass off.
While Sonic first appeared on, the montage started playing some intimidating rock music. SEGA obviously expected THE PLAYER'S reaction to be "Hey! If it plays rock music, then it obviously has to be the COOLEST THING EVER!" SEGA was horribly wrong.
Also, there was an image of a floating island falling into the ocean. The game once again proved how it can defy physics. While showing Sonic running, the montage then cut to showing images of the other main characters of the game.
This included showing Miles Tails Prower flying away while a building exploded in the background, with him singing "Secret…agent man! Secret…agent man!"
Also the montage showed a scene of Amy turning around with her jaw widening in awe. Normally one would've assumed that she was looking at some evil robot of Eggman's, or perhaps the aforementioned giant blob.
But what the camera didn't show was that she had actually just noticed a new sale at the GAP! She yelled "Oh…MY GOSH! I have to get that new skirt!" and she promptly ran in.
Another montage scene showed Eggman standing on top of the Egg Carri-I mean, SOME RANDOM FLYING SHIP. Phew…THE PLAYER doesn't need to know about that secret yet!
So while Eggman stood on this random flying ship saying "In Russia, SHIP FLY YOU!", THE PLAYER is wondering not what the ship is, but how the hell Eggman is standing on there despite the fact that it's FLYING, and therefore has lots of topside wind resistance.
Suddenly, the camera cut away from Eggman just as he realized this fact, and he was immediately blown off of the ship by wind.
While Eggman was screaming, the montage showed some more scenes of other, unimportant characters who contribute LITTLE TO NOTHING FOR THE PLOT. Then, the montage just kept flipping back between scenes of Sonic and the giant blob.
Finally, the montage ended with the giant blob's eye pupil dilating, and the screen suddenly started rapidly changing color while the blob yelled "MIND CRUSH!!!".
This made Yami Yugi very pissed upon seeing this, and he immediately contacted his agent. "See you in court, suckers!"
With the montage over, the story started on Angel Island, with Knuckles the Echidna narrating. It was a dark, stormy night…convenient plot device, isn't it? And it's also strange that a bright, happy emerald should be placed on a GLOOMY, DARK floating island.
Knuckles started by saying "I've been living on this island, guarding the Master Emerald for all of my life…Why? I don't know…"
THE PLAYER responds "Maybe because you're a DUMBASS?!"
Knuckles ignored this and continued by saying "I think it might have all started a long time ago…" and he got into a flashback.
In this, he was on a playground with other little echidnas when he decided to take a "personal field trip" to the Echidna Town Center.
Later that day, the townsfolk saw the Town Center burning up, and Knuckles coming out of there with burns all over, saying "Stupid lighter fluid…how was I supposed to know it was FLAMMABLE?"
Time for rejection by the other echidnas! The echidnas declared him too stupid to function in society, and so decided to give him a job that would keep him busy until the glorious, cheerful day that he would die!
With that strange flashback over, Knuckles said "I remember that…THAT WAS AWESOME!!!".
THE PLAYER sighs at Knuckles' stupidity. But the story has gone way off track for one line, so time to get back to the plot.
Since guarding the Master Emerald was the only thing he was meant to do, and his entire life revolved around it, he was obviously SLEEPING ON THE JOB. This fic is not kidding.
Meanwhile, the MYSTERIOUS FLYING SHIP was floating nearby, apparently having been seeking out Angel Island. Because that's what you do when you're on a flying ship. You seek out dark, gloomy floating islands.
The ship had actually only stopped because Eggman had given himself yet ANOTHER heart attack, but once he was revived he promptly started searching for some nearby fast food places to calm himself down.
Eggman said "Damn it, I need my fix! Why doesn't that floating island have a McDonalds? They're EVERYWHERE ELSE!" In his anger, he decided to blow up the pretty jewel in the middle of that island.
To do this, he fired the ship's HUGE-ASS LASER™ at it…but it did absolutely nothing to the jewel. Therefore, he did the smart thing by…TRYING IT AGAIN! This led to yet another epic fail.
Remember that Knuckles was sleeping through this entire thing. THE PLAYER says "Guardian of the Master Emerald, my ass!"
Eggman was getting really pissed by now. Therefore, he did what impulsively angry people always do when sunk to their lowest…he threw his shoe at the emerald. This caused the emerald to immediately explode, sending pieces flying everywhere.
Knuckles FINALLY woke up at this, and turned around to see the Master Emerald mostly destroyed. He said "Hey…something's wrong with the Master Emerald! I can't figure out what, though…"
He started thinking, along with brushing some of the Master Emerald shards off of him so that they wouldn't distract him. He said "Hmmm…I still can't figure it out…" THE PLAYER is banging his/her head against the wall.
As Knuckles continued his ever-so-slow thinking process, two things came out of the remains of the Master Emerald…a blue puddle and a glowing light. When Knuckles looked at the light, he said "My annoyingness sense is tingling!"
The blue puddle is new, but it doesn't take too long for THE PLAYER to recognize what the glowing light is, especially once it said "Hey! Listen!" as it flew off.
Meanwhile, in the faraway kingdom of Hyrule, part of the empire of Nintendo, a boy in green was curled up in the fetal position in his hut. He was still remembering that abomination known as Navi that he had gone through his entire adventure with.
The words "Hey!" "Listen!" "Look!" and "Watch out!" would never leave his head for the rest of his miserable life. Suddenly he said "Whoever next encounters her…may the goddesses help them!"
Back on Angel Island, as the annoyance-I mean, THE LIGHT flew off, Knuckles looked at the blue puddle. Suddenly, it rose up into the form of…a rock star! It looked like a human, except it had extremely long hair in the back of it, meaning this was something that had played WAY too much of Guitar Hero.
Suddenly, Knuckles' brain committed a miracle by making the connection between the blue thing and the broken Master Emerald. Knuckles charged at it, while his voice suddenly changed to one sounding like Barney the Dinosaur when he said "My voice gives me super strength!"
The blue blob jumped up in the air to dodge Knuckles' punch, and if it could speak English it might have said something along the lines of "Yes, but my hair allows me to defy gravity!"
It smashed down on the ground, sending Knuckles flying while he shouted "Oh, the humanity!"
As Knuckles hit the ground, his voice changed back to normal and he decided to be smart by TRYING THE EXACT SAME THING AGAIN. He ran back up there, but the blue blob was already bored of this idiot, so it chickened out and fled.
Knuckles started up a victory dance, and would have continued it for eternity had it not been for the island suddenly crashing without the Master Emerald. As Angel Island hit the water below, this created a giant wave.
Two people nearby were surfing at a VERY BAD TIME, and one of them looked up and saw the wave. He then said "Whoa, dude! SURF'S UUUUUUUUUP!!!", as both surfers were pummeled by the giant wave.
But they're not important. What is important is that now Knuckles was upset, so he decided to go on another crappy adventure to calm himself down. He declared "I'm getting used to this Emerald-collecting by now!"
THE PLAYER rolls his/her eyes and says "Thank you, SEGA. That was sooooo original of a plotline for Knuckles. The Master Emerald BREAKS?! Imagine that…" Also, THE PLAYER notes how this already sounds similar to the plot of Inuyasha.
As this happens, the game now shifted away from Knuckles, who would not appear in this fic again for another few chapters. Knuckles said "Wait, WHA-" as the game shifted over to the beginning of Big's story.
This story started in the jungle during that night, as a flaming ball suddenly crashed into the jungle. THE PLAYER says "Oh my gosh! The Cloverfield monster is in this game? Sweet!" At the game's end boss fight, THE PLAYER finds out that he/she is surprisingly close in that guess.
Since Donkey Kong- I mean, BIG THE CAT was too stupid to get off of his lazy ass and check it out, Froggy decided to look at the crash. But then, a mysterious blue puddle charged towards Froggy when the screen suddenly blacked out, causing THE PLAYER to say "Aw (bleep)! Who cut the cable on the TV?"
Suddenly, the next scene showed Big waking up, unfortunately not dead, to find Froggy with a strange new addition. Big said "Uhhh…Froggy! What happened to you? You now have a really big-"
"Johnson!" shouted a military commander to one of his soldiers. "Let's look up on where Eggman is…using Mapquest!"
Johnson replied "Okay, sir. But you might want to check this out. A frog just swallowed that blue thing's-"
"Long stuff!" said Sonic as he was watching the movie War and Peace on TV at his home. "This movie is taking forever! If the plot doesn't get moving soon, I'll just pass the time away by playing with my-"
"Willie!" said Eggman to one of his robots.
The robot replied "Sir, my name is not Willie."
Eggman said "How dare you question me! Now your name is Willie!"
Meanwhile, THE PLAYER is too busy throwing up over the disgusting revelation about Sonic just made in his last statement. THE PLAYER is trying to get the image of Sonic doing that out of his/her head.
Back in the jungle, Froggy finally did the SMART thing and left Big. Big said "Uhhhh… Froggy? Why are you leaving?", despite the fact that you don't really need a reason to want to get away from Big.
Big said "I don't get it. I've always been glomping him and licking him to get high off of him, and now he just leaves me! COME BACK!!!" and Big ran off into the night. This fic would make sure to not bring him back in until an even LONGER time than when Knuckles would return.
Finally, the story went to Station Square, where our main hero was outside after having earlier done really disturbing things to himself that this fic won't mention. He jumped from building-to-building in his usual physics-defying manner until a helicopter flew by. The pilot saw Sonic jump by and then said "Wow…I've got to lay off of those sleeping meds from now on…".
When Sonic went on top of a building, he looked over the whole city and said "Aw yeah! Now I'm stuck up here with no safe way down! Yay!" THE PLAYER now knows who inspired those kids to climb on top of his/her house the other day.
Then Sonic noticed some police cars zooming by towards city hall. He immediately said "OH (bleep), IT'S DA COPPAS!!! They've probably found Tails and busted him for-wait, why am I talking like this? This is Station Square, not Vice City!"
The mention of Vice City suddenly brought back terrible memories of when Sonic heard about Mario and Luigi's fate there, while working for the show Robot Chicken. Sonic shuddered at these memories and said "May they rest in peace…", resisting the temptation to say "HAHAHA! Take that!"
Anyways, Sonic suddenly realized that the plot wasn't going to move itself, so he jumped down to investigate what the cops were doing. He said while jumping down "Maybe I can see a shootout! SWEET!"
At City Hall, the SWAT team was surrounding the entrance and looking at some blue thing standing over the entrance. The commander (same one as mentioned earlier) said "What's this protestor doing? Hmmm…this thing seems to be trespassing on city property, which is a minor offense…SO LET'S BLOW ITS TRESPASSING ASS TO HELL!!!"
With that, the blue blob jumped down to the ground and the soldiers started shooting at it for no legal reason. It wasn't attacking at them, but they were still shooting it. When the bullets started coming off of the creature, meaning they had no impact whatsoever, the soldiers stopped shooting.
One soldier, however, decided to continue shooting at it. This was to defy all logic that has ever existed. "DIEEEEE!!! " he yelled while shooting, but the creature just got bored after a while and stood there.
The soldier finally stopped, then fired a couple more bullets before getting his gun taken away from him. He then said "Awwww…I didn't get to kill the monster!" and walked off depressed.
Then Sonic FINALLY jumped in on the scene, saying "Hooray! If this thing could fight off an entire battalion of SWAT team members, then I'm guaranteed to get my ass kicked! FUN!"
THE PLAYER now realizes that Robin Williams was right when he said that a guy has a brain and his…schwanzstucker…and only enough blood to work one of them at a time. And THE PLAYER suspects that Sonic isn't the type to choose his brain too often…
On that context, Sonic looked at the blue blob, then looked between its legs. He then immediately rolled over laughing, yelling "OH MY GOSH! HA HA HA! He's missing his-"
"Peter!" yelled the SWAT commander at one of his soldiers.
The soldier replied "I'm Johnson! Peter's over there!" and he pointed to a soldier on the other end of the line.
The commander said "Oh…sorry!"
Back in the fight, the blue blob was now extremely pissed at Sonic, and therefore decided to BRING IT ON. The fight started up with some random letters being typed onto the screen saying "Chaos 0".
THE PLAYER is saying "Holy (bleep)! Who hacked into my TV?" before realizing that it's a part of the game.
Sonic reacted to the letters by saying "I don't care what its name is, I want to kick its ass! If I was trying to become FRIENDS with it or something, then I'd want to know its name. But when I'm FIGHTING TO THE DEATH with it, I don't want to know its name!"
The letters then suddenly deleted and the screen typed "Shut up" for the boss name.
This caused Sonic to grumble "Fine…", and he went into the fight against Chaos.
Chaos immediately started with stretching out its arm to do a long-range punch, which Sonic dodged by jumping. THE PLAYER says "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did this game just rip-off Reed Richards from the Fantastic Four? Why does this game infringe on so many copyrights?"
Sonic started wondering 'Hmmm…I wonder where its weak spot is." He ignored the fact that its head was GLOWING, which might have indicated some kind of importance.
Meanwhile, THE PLAYER is too busy celebrating. "FINALLY, these cut scenes are over and I get to actually PLAY!" He soon learns to regret this, however.
Sonic said "Hmmm…I just still can't figure out where to hit it! That glowing nucleus can't possibly be suggesting anything in the way of defeating this thing…"
THE PLAYER then says "(bleep) this! Things are going my way now!" and he/she grabs the game controller.
Sonic suddenly jumped and did a homing attack, hitting Chaos in the head and turning it into a puddle. Sonic then said "OHHHHH! I get it…wait, where do I hit it again?"
Chaos turned back to its humanoid form, and then stretched out its arms. It then spun around in circles and started doing…a ballet dance!
THE PLAYER says "What kind of attack is that? Seriously…" He/she has given up on trying to figure out how Chaos can skewer physics so horribly.
Sonic easily jumped over Chaos' arms and hit it again. Then Chaos decided that since it had already ruined physics in a million ways, it might as well make that a million and one. It jumped on top of the nearby light posts and started attacking Sonic from above.
Sonic said "Hey! Come back down here where I can kick your ass!" Chaos stupidly decided to comply. Is it a wonder that it got hit again?
Finally, Chaos got into the same fighting spirit it had earlier with Knuckles…by turning into a puddle and running away. It noticed a circular escape hatch on the ground and decided to go through there. It wasn't until after Chaos went through the "escape hatch" that it realized it was going into a SEWER.
As Chaos fled, Sonic yelled "Hey! Where are you going, you big drip?"
THE PLAYER collapses on the ground, yelling "AUGH! We can land a man on the moon, but we can't have Sonic game without crappy puns?! Why can't SEGA just do a Sonic game without the puns FOR ONCE?"
After Chaos' EPIC ESCAPE, Sonic began wondering what this thing was. Meanwhile, Eggman was looking over the scene from the rooftop of City Hall. He laughed, and then said "You fool! It's Chaos, the God of Destruction! MUAHAHAHAHA…now how do I get off of this rooftop?"
I have three announcements…
1. If you haven't already figured it out, the past tense is used to describe what's happening in the game, while the present tense is used to describe what's going on outside of the game, particularly with THE PLAYER. And this isn't going to turn into one of those player-gets-sucked-into-the-game kind of fics. I would suck at writing that. THE PLAYER is just there to provide the voice of reason/fourth wall breaker in this.
2. See that green button down there? I know you do. Oh yeah, I'm psychic(I'm not). REVIEW for this! I'm extremely curious to know how people think about this parody. I would especially like it if you mentioned whatever the funniest parts were to you in this chapter, and all of the following chapters. I'm being very experimental with this fic, and I want to see what works well!
3. Chapter 2 is almost done! And it's going to be pretty funny, especially because that's where I'll start teasing the INSANE levels that this game has…but I'll still probably hold off posting Chapter 2 until I see how others think about this! So until then…review while your favorite parts of Chapter 1 are still fresh in your mind!