Author's Note: This story might have up to um... five or six chapters? Updated daily. My first attempt at humor, tell me what you think.
Warnings: Eventual SasuNaru, onesided ItaNaru. There is Yaoi in this story, don't like, don't read.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, though one day I will steal it from Kishimoto-sensei, ku ku ku...
"Sasuke you are coming back to the village with me! And you don't have any say whatsoever in it!!" the angry blond yelled, staring into the black onyx colored orbs of his best friend and rival, daring him to make a move, expecting the Uchiha to leap from the statue's head and pummel him. But instead, the raven smirked, crossed his arms, and declared, "Okay."
"WTF??" Naruto deadpanned and woke up.
Naruto sat up straight in his bed and sweatdropped. "Okay, that was a really really weird dream." the blond muttered and lied back down and sank back into his nice fluffy warm bed, immediately falling asleep again.
Naruto woke up feeling stiff, tired, and unrefreshed at all. It's been three years since he fought Sasuke at the Valley of the End, and he dreamed about it almost every night. However, every effing dream had a completely different effing ending that always made him effing wake up in the middle of the effing night and effing tired the next day!! And if you didn't realize already, it makes the normally happy blond really effing pissed! But one thing was different about this dream, it ended with the stupid stubborn bastard unconditionally coming back! Usually it ended with Sasuke beating the living nightlights out of him, choking him to death, or castrating him... Okay maybe not that extreme. Anyways! The raven always either killed him or mortally wounded him. Well, no more thinking for the blond this morning! Naruto thought and jumped quickly out of his warm bed only to land right on a banana peel that was conveniently placed right on the exact spot where he landed. The kitsune yelped and fell right on his arse on the cold hard floor.
You're as clumsy as usual, dumb kid. Kyuubi mocked.
"Go get yourself laid, you stupid fox..." Naruto grumbled, and slowly stood up, rubbing his sore butt.
I can't get laid unless you get laid, you baka, we share the same body, remember?
Man I can't even think straight this morning, the jinchuuriki thought dejectedly to himself, I should just get over the fact that Sasuke-teme isn't going to come back, ever, and move on.
The blond limped over to his wooden closet and pulled out his favorite black and orange jumpsuit; he slid them on quickly after removing his sleeping gear. Reaching over the top of the closet, he grabbed his Konoha headband and walked into his bathroom. Naruto tried combing his rebellious hair, but only made it look worse. After twenty minutes of useless geling (multiple times, using the type of hair gel that Sasuke uses to keep his duckbutt hair afloat), conditioning, and combing golden anti-gravity hair, the kitsune came out looking very very pissed off, no, that'd be an understatement. His hair was still shooting out in all directions, and it looked even worse than normal. The gel he used made the hair on the back his scalp curve upwards, and the pissed off blond accidentally rubbed hair growing lotion right above his forehead, so now he had golden yellow locks hanging over his face, somewhat blocking his vision.
The blond was livid! Nothing is going my way today! Not that things ever go my way, The frustrated blond thought, maybe I should just turn emo and slit my wrists! See if anybody cares! I about had it with this uncensored uncensored uncensored and it's uncensored people!! Not to mention my uncensored uncensored uncensored uncensored hair!!! Conclusion: My life sucks.
Naruto sighed and exited his apartment noisily and slammed the door shut. He had a meeting with the Godaime, Tsunade-baachan. People of the village watched curiously as the demon of Konohagakure stomped past them hurrying to the Hokage's office. The blond's sensitive ears picked up a few whispers, 'What's up with the kid's hair?' 'Yup, it's the demon alright, I mean, his hair is starting to look demonic!' 'Woah, and I thought the demon looked weird before...'
A vein appeared on the storming blond's temple, threatening to pop if another fashion statement about his hair was heard. The villagers seemed to feel an evil aura drenching the air, and all gulped collectively, shutting up.
Lee happened to walk by, and saw Naruto's blond mess of hair, and stopped. He yelled right into the kitsune's sensitive ear, "Good morning my youthful friend! It's a very... youthful hairstyle that you're sporting! Why I-" the spandex wearing beast of Konoha was cut short when he observed that the normally happy blond's face was wearing a deep scowl, and his cerulean eyes now dark red with a slit through them, staring right at his own black eyes. He was entranced and held there, unable to move, until the now Kyuubi-like Naruto growled in a low menacing tone and grabbed the youthful ninja by his neck and lifted him a foot off the ground, "Do you also have something against my hair? Huh? HUH?"
"N-no! A-a-absolutely n-ot!" The poor unlucky Lee stammered and upon sensing the furious kitsune loosen his grip a little, quickly freed his neck and took running two-hundred miles per hour, screeching, "GUUUY-SENSEI!!!!!! SAAAAAAAAAVE MEEeeeeeeeeeeee...!!" His voice dwindle as he sped away from the angry, livid, pissed off person he once knew as Naruto Uzumaki.
When the dust cloud from Lee's trail settled, Naruto grinned evilly and continued to the Hokage's office, a little more calm and collected this time. But firsted, he stopped at a barber's to fix his hair, back to it's ... original state.
Slamming the wooden open, Naruto strode into the Godaime's office with his nose in the air. He stopped in front of the the blond hokage's mahogany desk and leaned forward, looking into the Hokage's eyes and asked, "So, granny, what did you want with this tensai(genius)?"
Tsunade's right eyebrow twitched as she lifted her palm and pushed a surprised ninja back with such a great force that he slammed right through the door opposite to her with a -crash-.
The Godaime counted in her mind, smirking, 'One, two, thr-'
"YOU ROTTEN FLEE BITTEN OLD WITCH!!!!!" a furious kitsune yelled charging back it and aimed a punch at the smirking Hokage's face, only to be blocked and shoved back again, this time not as hard.
"You baka! I should have you arrested for trying to hurt the Hokage!" Tsunade yelled.
"I should have you fired because you just broke a completely innocent ninja's back!!" Naruto retorted, not scared at all.
"Well, if you're gonna be bitchy, I guess I won't give you this awesome relaxing good-paying mission, maybe I'll give it to Lee instead..." Tsunade said coolly, returning to her paperwork.
"Nani!? Ack! Wait wait wait baa-chan-" the hokage twitched. "-I mean Hokage-sama can I pleeeease have this mission? I'm, uh, just a little short on money-" to emphasize his point, his stomach growled, "-so, uh, please?" Naruto gave the Godaime his infamous puppy-dog eyes. "Pwease?"
'Damn his eyes,' "Fine fine," Tsunade sighed, "Here's the mission summary, take it somewhere and read it yourself, I don't feel like explaining it to a gaki like you, now shoo, I've got work to do."
Naruto snatched the paper and ran off, yelling "Thanks old hag!!"
Once Naruto got to Ichiraku's and ordered his favorite, miso ramen, he unfolded the mission summary and skimmed it quickly. It's a C-ranked mission recruiting a all around employee for a month at the famous hotel restaurant, Akatsuki. Hmm, interesting, Naruto thought and kept on reading. You need to be able to cook according to somewhat complex recipes, be strong enough to carry stuff around, be able to perform room service to paying customers, and etc. etc. I can do all this stuff, not the funnest mission, but it'll pay my bills, Naruto thought and quickly turned his attention to the steaming bowl of miso ramen sitting in front of the starving blond, begging to be eaten.
"Food of the gods," the ramen addict exclaimed and dove it, literally.
His mission summary lay ignored on the counter. The last sentence read: "Be able to satisfy paying customer's sexual needs if asked to."