I Can Feel Your Scars
Dean woke with a start, his heart pounding. It took him a minute to realize he was safe and then another second or two to realize Logan wasn't beside him. Then he remembered she was still sulking. It was early morning and he knew he wouldn't be sleeping anymore, so he got up. Anna and Sam were both still sleeping, but he didn't see Logan, though her sleeping bag was where she'd crashed the night before and there was a pot of hot coffee sitting beside the camp stove. He poured himself a cup and carried the pot with him as he left the barn.
Once outside the smell of coffee mixed with the scent of fresh cigarette smoke. He found her not far from the barn sitting on a fallen log smoking. He fought the urge to lecture. He wasn't going to be his father, beside she was already upset with him.
The air was cool and damp and he was almost mesmerized as he watched her take a long draw. Then she exhaled slowly, the smoke clouding around her like a mist. He didn't usually go for smokers, but he'd always enjoyed watching a woman smoke. There was something sensual about it that hit him on a visceral level. He took a step and his boot crunched on the gravel.
She looked up at him and then glanced away. She reached for her mug and then held it out to him even as she tucked the cigarette between her lips. He knew she was daring him to say something.
He poured her another cup of coffee and then settled down on the log beside her. He set the pot down on the ground between them and stared out into the wooded area she had been scrutinizing. He sipped his coffee and waited.
She was quiet until she stubbed the butt out in the gravel. Then she turned to look at him.
Dean wasn't sure what she was talking about, so he took another drink of his cooling coffee and watched her from the corner of his eye to buy some time. She didn't disappoint him and spoke again
"Why talk to her and not to me? I don't understand at all and then last night…fuck, really?" Her voice was tight with anger.
Dean shot her a puzzled look. Okay, so he still wasn't quite sure what she was talking about. "I haven't been talking to her."
She rolled her eyes and snorted. "Like hell." She dug in her pocket for her cigarettes and then remembered she was out. She cursed, half at circumstance and half at Dean. "I've heard you talking to her." She looked directly at him, letting him see the pain in her eyes. "I loved you. Lost you and then thank God, I got you back, even if you are half broken by something I barely had a glimpse of.
"Dammit, I'm carrying your son, I love you, I'd die for you and the baby and yet you can't share what's going on in your head with me?" She knew her voice was a bit panicked. "I told you every horrible thing that happened to me. I told you about how Finn broke me and I let you in where no one else has ever been. Just you." She poked him in the chest. "You." She punched his arm, a bit frantic now. "And you can't even share some of it? I don't need every detail Dean. Hell, I don't even WANT to know, but I know whatever it is, it's killing you slowly from the inside out and while I'll take you however I can get you. I'd rather have all of you, not whatever's left over once your soul dries up and dies."
She wiped at her face with a frustrated sob.
Dean finished his coffee and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you baby." He twisted to face her. "She heard some things." He moved his hand through the air. "You know from our angelic friends." He rolled his eyes. "So she actually knows what happened, not because I told her. Trust me. I had no intention of telling her or anyone." He reached out to wipe tears from her face, but she pulled away. "There's a reason Uriel wants me gone." His voice almost broke. "Things you can't begin to understand."
Logan clenched her fists. She wanted to hit him and beat some sense into him. She never thought anyone would understand her hurt either. "You're a jerk." She moved and knelt in front of him. She fisted her hands in his shirt. "Nothing you could do or did; nothing at all, could change how I feel about you." She glanced to the barn. "Hell, you could have fucked her in front of me last night and, while I'd be pissed, I'd still love you."
Dean opened his mouth to say something.
She leaned back and released his shirt. She figured she could mess with his mind. "Don't deny it Winchester." She frowned at him. "I was fifteen feet away. I saw her kiss you and I've been with you enough to know you liked it and wanted more. I also know it was her that turned you down." She couldn't keep the half smile off her face. "Not that I blame you, she is pretty hot and I like redheads too."
If she wasn't still pissed at him, she might have laughed when Dean coughed choking on coffee he'd just taken a sip of. "And that's not me giving you permission." She glanced back to the barn. "Truthfully, I can't wait to get rid of her. I don't like the way she looks at you."
"I didn't tell her anything, honest and I'm sorry for kissing her and I shouldn't have wanted to be with her."
Logan knew he meant what he said, or at least wanted to mean it. She didn't think he would hurt her on purpose and she understood the need to be with someone who 'got it'. Hell, that's how she fell into bed with Sam; he knew how she felt. She sighed. "It's okay. I really do get it…" She stood and stretched her aching back. "I'm just not sure we can trust her." She stared off into the tree line again and then added, "And so help you touch her again and I just might hurt you." With that she walked off toward the cars.
Dean watched Logan. He was getting better at reading her and he knew she was hurt. Of course he hated how he felt. He hated guilt and as he wiped a hand over his suddenly, very weary face, he acknowledged how very good he was at it. Hell, he did guilt better than anyone and since he'd come back from hell he'd carried more than ever. Now he could add letting Logan down and betraying Anna to the reasons to hate himself.
He sighed and stood up. He followed Logan, caught up to her as she opened the trunk to her car. He slipped his arms around her and pulled her to his chest ad he bent to kiss her neck. "I'm sorry." His voice was gruff and filled with emotion he wasn't quite ready to deal with and he was relieved when she wrapped her arms around his and snuggled into him. She made him feel safe, she reminded him of family. He reigned his emotions in and then pulled back just as Sam called from the barn asking him if he'd seen Ruby.
"No man, not since last night some time." He turned back and picked up the now cold coffee pot. He caught Logan's eyes as he motioned with his head toward the barn. She nodded and told him she'd follow in a few minutes.
Dean shrugged and headed back to the barn. His thoughts were heavy, but ever since he'd gotten back they had been. He kicked the barn door closed behind him and set the coffee pot down before settling on a bale of hay. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a flask. He toyed with the cap as he thought about Alistair. He shivered. He was afraid and he hated it.
Not only was Alistair topside, but the angels were threatening to toss his ass back into hell. He couldn't go back, hell he wouldn't go back. He cursed, opened his flask and downed a healthy swallow. He enjoyed the burn down his throat and felt it in his gut. He wiped sweat from his forehead and drank more. He hated himself. Hated how he'd been manipulated and used.
He looked up to see Sam and Logan enter the barn. Sam was still rambling on about Ruby. Logan looked tired and the guilt hit him again. When Anna asked if he was okay, his only response was to tip back his flask and drink some more.
The barn doors blew open and Castiel and Uriel stepped inside. "Hello, Anna. It's good to see you."
Dean didn't bother standing up, just stared before taking another drink. It was Sam who questioned the angels and Dean.
"I'm sorry." Dean said so softly Logan almost wondered if he spoke the words out loud.
Sam glared and Logan saw the hurt on his face, "Why Dean?"
It was Anna who went to Dean and told him it wasn't his fault, but it was Logan who stepped up to the angels and ran her mouth. "They didn't give him a chance Sam. They either kill her or us." She glanced at the three angels, "Right?"
No one answered her, so she took a step forward"Look you assholes. I don't like her, but I don't want you hurting her either." She put her hands on her hips and glared from Castiel to Uriel. Her gaze swung back to Castiel. "Do you really have to kill her?"
Castiel answered. "I'm sorry."
Logan gave Anna some props for snorting in disgust when she spoke. "No. You're no, not really anyway. You don't know the feeling."
"Still, we have a history. It's just…"
"I know orders are orders." She sighed. "Just make it quick."
Logan moved between Anna and the angels. "You don't have to go with them Anna. We can figures something out." She motioned to the two angels. "Sure they're unreasonable assholes, but we can fight them." She smiled and rolled her neck on her shoulders. "Angel or no angel, they have weaknesses like everyone else."
Uriel growled and stepped toward her. "You'd do well to watch your mouth you disgusting half-breed." He snorted indignantly. "You shouldn't exist and yet you do…but I could fix that."
Logan heard Dean's growl and it made her feel warm inside, not that Dean had a chance with either of these pricks, but the fact that he was willing to fight felt good. She wondered when she'd become such a romantic. She shook her head and smiled. "You could try, but from what I hear," she waved her hand around over her head, "I'm pretty important."
"For a filthy human bitch, maybe, but that doesn't mean you're indispensable." Uriel added, ignoring Castiel's hand on his arm.
Anna surprised Logan by stepping forward. "I'll go with you. Leave them alone."
"I'm sorry Anna." Castiel's voice is quiet and controlled. "I never wanted it to be this way."
Logan felt them before the wind kicked up and the sky darkened. Alistair was suddenly there with his followers. He was carrying a wounded Ruby and there was a twisted look of glee on his face. "Don't you touch a hair on that poor girl's head."
Uriel's indignant voice rang in the barn. "How dare you come in this room, you pussing sore!"
"Tsk, tsk, name calling." He put his hand over his heart and pouted. "That hurt my feelings you sanctimonious, fanatical prick."
Castiel spoke, quiet, calm and deadly. "Turn around and walk away now."
Logan shot a hesitant look to Dean and saw the terror in his eyes. She ground her teeth and tried to figure out what to do.
Alistair dropped Ruby to the hay covered floor and cocked his head to the side. "So much fun to play with." His eyes locked on Dean. "Mmm, once you get a taste for it, well you know what I mean don't you Dean?" He picked at a piece of dirt on his coat and then looked back to Dean. "You were so good, such promise…too bad you're a neutered little bitch topside." He cleared his throat and turned to the angels. "I can hear your threats without you voicing them and really, it's not going to happen."
Logan wanted to shake off the hand dragging her out of the way, but she didn't bother. There was an odd power in the air vibrating between the angels and Alistair and she wasn't sure if she wanted to bathe in it or run from it.
She watched as Castiel held out his hand and she was scared when Alistair laughed him off. She'd felt Castiel's power and knew that for him destroying a demon should be easy. Then Uriel growled and went from demon to demon basically whiting them out while Castiel fought with Alistair.
Dean joined the fight, right after shoving her behind a bale of hay…she laughed ruefully, like hay was going to keep her safe from demons and angels. She noticed the glow in Uriel's hand and motioned to Anna, who grabbed for it and then told everyone to close their eyes.
In seconds, it was over. The demons and the angels were gone…
Dean leaned against the car and stared out into the wooded area beside the rest stop. He took the beer that Logan handed him and felt her settle against the car beside him. He glanced to Sam, who was half sitting on the hood.
Sam shuffled his feet. "You okay?"
Dean shrugged, "Bout as good as I can be." He took a long drink. "I can't believe we made it out of there."
Sam half smiled. "Again."
Dean looked to the ground, scuffed his boot in the dirt and felt Logan's hand on his shoulder. "I know you both heard him."
Logan glanced up from the ground. "Heard who?"
Dean hesitated, took a drink and noticed Sam playing with his beer bottle nervously. "Alastair and what he said…about how I had promise."
"Yeah, we heard him."
Dean looked up first to Sam, then to Logan as he repositioned himself against the car. "And what you're not curious?"
Logan's hand left his shoulder and Dean knew she was telling Sam something with her eyes, but he wasn't sure he wanted to know what. He didn't want to know if it was pity or judgment and hell, he didn't want either.
Sam cleared his throat. "Dean, I'm damn curious, but you're not talking about hell and I'm not pushing."
Logan shifted beside him. "When and if you're ready then fine." She reached for his hand, but he moved it, lifted his beer to his mouth.
There was a pause, he took a deep breath and crushed the fear. "It wasn't for months, you know."
Both Sam and Logan almost in unison, "What?"
"It was four months up here, but down there…I don't know. Time's different." He paused again, struggled with his feelings. "It was more like forty years."
Logan's sharp inhalation didn't surprise him and neither did his brother's quiet, "Oh, my God."
He wiped his face and steeled his voice as he swallowed, "They, fuck…they sliced and carved and tore at me in ways that you…" He swallowed and fought for control, "Until there was nothing left, and then suddenly, I would be whole again. Like magic, twisted fucking magic, just so they could start in all over." Dean's voice cracked slightly and he forced the bile down. "And Alastair, at the end of every day, every fucking day, he would come over and he would make me an offer…He'd take me off the rack, if I put souls on, if I started the torturing." He swallowed thickly. "And every day, I told him to stick it where the sun shines."
He almost smiled at Logan's whispered, "Hell yeah."
He shook his head sadly and continued. "For thirty years I told him to fuck off." He glanced to Logan, tears in his eyes and then to Sam before looking down at the bottle in his hands. "But then I couldn't do it anymore, Sammy. I couldn't do it baby." His voice cracked and he wiped his eyes. "And I got off that rack, God help me, I got right off it and I started ripping them apart." He struggled for control, took strength in Logan's warmth beside him. "I lost count of how many souls…shit, the things I did to them…"
Sam wiped his own eyes and saw the tears on Logan's face. He cleared his throat. "Dean…shit Dean you held out for thirty years. That's longer than anyone could have…"
Logan caught a sob and Dean shook his head and clutched at his chest. "How I feel…this…inside me…I wish I couldn't feel anything." He let the tears fall. "I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing."
Logan cursed when some branch scratched her cheek as she ran through the brush. She sidestepped a fallen branch and lengthened her stride. She'd be pissed if she lost the…the, well whatever it was she was chasing, she didn't want to lose it.
She and Sam had found the jogger torn almost in half, his left arm missing and a trail of blood led into the woods. Dean had moved to the north and Sam was circling around from the south while she headed pretty much straight east. They'd all find each other at some point. She only wished she knew what they were hunting. Whatever it was had already killed three people when they arrived. Now its body count was four. Two had been known to be jogging and no one really knew why the other two had had been in the park, but it didn't matter…they were dead, torn apart in what had been reported to be an animal attack. Only, there weren't really too many predator animals in Central Park.
She heard the growl seconds before something knocked her to the ground from behind. She cursed, rolled and came up only to be knocked back down on her ass and behind a few large boulders. She found herself gasping for breath with two hundred pounds of heavy male on top of her.
"What the…get the hell off me." She grunted from beneath the heavy shoulder on her chest as she shoved.
"Quiet." A heavy hand pressed against her mouth. "If you don't move it can't see you." He whispered. "We're downwind, so it shouldn't smell us." He shifted over her and pulled his hand back from her mouth as his own mouth moved to her ear. "Let's hope its hearing isn't good, but since it's only five feet away shut the hell up."
Logan's eyes tracked the thing that had hit her. It was big; huge actually and ugly. It lifted its toothy snout to sniff the air before moving away through the trees. It was graceful for something so downright horrible. When she could no longer hear it, she shoved the guy on top of her again. "Now, get you get the hell off my so I can breathe?"
The man chuckled and slid off her and to his feet with ease. He held his hand out to her and rolled his eyes when she didn't take it but lumbered to her feet alone.
She stepped back and looked up at him. "What the hell did you do that for? You could have been killed!"
He snorted. "Me?" He shook his head in disbelief. "Excuse me, but you were the one who was going to end up with her guts spilled on the ground." He brushed leaves and something thin and sticky from his jeans. "Shit I hope that isn't what I think it is…" A shiver ran over him and then he turned his attention back to the girl. "What the hell are you doing in the park at three in the damn morning anyway? Don't you know it isn't safe? Damn tourist aren't you? Figure it's a nice night, take a walk? Or are you high?" He gave her a once over. "You don't look like the typical junkie hooker, so what's your deal?"
Logan shook her head. He talked fast and he was obviously local, his accent was thick. His left arm was covered in tattoos, fat plugs were in his ears and his hair was buzzed close to his head. He wore dark jeans, a Dead Milkmen t-shirt and black combat boots. She put her hands on her hips and glared at him, still keeping her eyes on her surroundings. "The only damn thing you got right, asshole, is that I'm not local." She checked her belt for her knife and gun, both there, and then rolled her head on her shoulders since she'd managed to hit something hard when he took her down. "I can take care of myself just fine and I hope you don't think that thing was just some ugly stray mutt."
He looked over his shoulder in the direction the thing went. "The Aswang?" He laughed. "Not. A. Dog."
Logan's eyebrows pulled together as she tried to remember what that was. She formed an 'O' with her mouth, "Shape shifter from the Philippines." She took three steps around her new friend to stare into the woods the Aswang had gone through. She glanced over her shoulder. "I didn't think they existed outside of the Philippines?"
He shot her a surprised look. "They aren't supposed to." He pulled a gun from a shoulder holster and checked the chamber before replacing the safety and slipping it back. "So, you're a hunter. What are you doing in my city?"
She glared at him. "Sorry, didn't see your name written across my map." She crossed her arms over her chest and then waved a hand around to indicate the park. "Also didn't think anyone was paying much attention since there are now four dead people."
He ignored her and held up a finger, but she was already on alert. Something was coming toward them through the brush. He stepped to the left, half behind a tree and Logan dropped low in a defensive crouch, ready to move fast if she had to. Her knife was in her hand and she noticed that a short spear of some sort was now in the big guy's hand.
She was surprised at how fast he moved. Sam barely had one foot in the clearing and he was no his back with a sharp object at his throat. She sprang toward them, shoving the spear away from Sam. "Whoa, man chill. Sam's with me."
Sam was up and in the other man's face in seconds. "What the hell? You always say hello with weapons first?"
He shrugged. "When something out there is bigger, stronger and faster than me, then yes."
Sam shoved his hair out of his face and looked the guy over. "News flash genius; there is always something like that out there." He looked to Logan. "You okay?"
She nodded. "Yeah, seems we're after a Aswang." She pointed with her knife before putting in back into her belt. "He might have saved me, not sure yet."
"No might have about it babe. If I hadn't tackled you your guts would be under our boots right now."
Sam looked between them and held up a hand when Logan started to argue. "Wait a second. What the hell is an Aswang doing in New York?"
"Beats the hell out of me, but that's what we're after. I can see them plain as day if I catch them at dawn and I've been to the Philippines and hunted them there." He stopped again for a second. "I saw this one five days ago, right after it killed the guy on the other side of the park."
"I'm not sure if knowing it's an Aswang is good or bad. I mean, now we know how to kill it." He paused and looked at Logan's savior. "Assuming that our intel on staking them with bamboo to paralyze them and then lighting their asses on fire is right." When the other guy nodded he continued. "But, the damn things can shift into any living creature from animal to human."
"Don't forget demonic. They can become demons too and not only do the look like what they become, but they have the same power and abilities." He spit. "Hate the dirty fuckers."
That was when Dean decided to join them. "What fuckers are we hating on and who the hell are you?" He looked up at the larger man and moved beside Logan. He took in the dirt on her clothes and scratches on her face. "You good?"
When she nodded he turned his attention to the new guy. "So again, who we hating on and who are you?"