Boy scouts and Ceiling Fans

By: Lara

DISCLAIMER: Don't own Twilight. Wish I did though.

A.N.- Breaking Dawn Spoilers. If you haven't read the final book then you may not want to read this.

My fingers move with fluent precision over the piano keys coercing forth a lazy melody that is simultaneously smooth and luxuriant. The decadent sound floats around me nearly the same way thoughts of my wife sashay about in my mind. The memories, like the tune they invoke, are indulgent, and seductive. Just like the feel of her silky thighs wrapped tightly about my waist or the taste of her lingering on my lips…

A deep chuckle from the doorway disrupts my improper musings. I wait for Emmett to speak his mind as my playing continues uninterrupted. As I expect it isn't a long wait.

"That's a new song." He comments, coming forward to lean his hulking frame against the piano. "Kind of gets you in the mood, doesn't it?"

I fight down the urge to shift uncomfortably at his lecherous grin. Perhaps I am being rather obvious. Now that I have a sex life it is exceedingly difficult to keep my thoughts from wandering to Bella and our nightly activities. Rather than let Emmett know that he's caught me, I roll my eyes. "Take it as you will."

"Always do. Rose says I'm insatiable." He winks.

I try not to smile but my lips twitch at the effort. "Kindly keep that to yourself."

Emmett's grin widens and thoughts of Bella are shuffled aside as rough-edged, kinky images featuring Rose are thrust into my mind. For a sixty-fourth of a second I'm amazed at how very double jointed Rosalie is… then the reality of what I'm witnessing- that I never wanted to see because its actually giving me ideas about Bella, not to mention I'd assumed there was nothing Em and Rose hadn't already tried- obliterate my maintained composure. My playing stops abruptly and I glare up at Emmett. "Rose would rip you apart if she knew what you're thinking. Ugh!" I shudder.

Emmett's boisterous laughter echoes in the room. "Just showing you how it's done little brother." I can draw a diagram if you'd like…

"Trust me, Bella has no complaints." I reply scathingly.

"Broken any furniture yet?"

I try to ignore Emmett but my concentration is already shot to hell.

Em shakes his sadly. "You're a disgrace to vampires everwh-"

"The bed frame, the head board and the ceiling fan." I growl, unable to stop myself from playing his juvenile game.

"The ceiling fan?" Emmett's eyes widen. "Really?"

After all these years I should know better…"Repeat a word of this and I will kill you." He ignores me, a manic grin spreading across his face. "Emmett I'm serious. Painful death! Understand!"

"But how… what did… the ceiling fan?" He murmurs, a mischievous glint in his onyx eyes. "If you tell me how you did it I'll never bring it up again."

"Absolutely not."

"Oh come on Edward. I swear. Scouts honor."

"You were never a boy scout Emmett." I remind him acerbically.

"I was by association. I ate a bear that ate a boy scout. It's all the same." He retorts making a chomping sound with his glistening teeth.

It is an effort not to groan in frustration. I barely manage to keep a tolerant expression. "That is beyond absurd. It's just plain wrong."

"No, what's wrong is you not spilling the beans. Geez, your mouth's tighter than a virgin on prom night. You're killing me Edward. Tell me!"

I could kick myself for engaging in this particular conversation. Like a dog with a bone, Emmett's one track mind is not going to let this drop until I confess, in detail. The only thing I can do is tell a highly edited version of the incident if I want any peace and quiet for the next decade. My resigned sigh has Em leaning closer in anticipation. I desperately try to ignore the possible scenarios running through his mind. Dr. Phil would have a field day with this nutcase.

"Quit stalling." He growls.

"Actually, it's not all that interesting. Getting Bella's shirt down was a little more complicated than we expected. End of story."

"That's it?" Emmett's eager expression turns to crestfallen in a sixteenth of a second. "No wild monkey sex?"


"No pretending your astronauts in zero gravity?"

I shake my head.

"Not even vampire bats doing it upside down?"

I grimace. "You should seriously consider seeking therapy. I believe it would do you a world of good."

Thankfully our conversation is put to an end as Rosalie and Nessie enter the living room. But not before I catch Emmett's snide thought.

Getting laid the right way would do you a world of good.

If it wouldn't result in demolishing the room- and destroying several pieces of antique furniture that I know Esme favors- I would have punched him in the jaw. Instead I give him a look that promises retribution. He grins cockily in invitation.


I turn my attention to my daughter as she reaches for me from the cradle of Rosalie's arms. The usual besotted grin crosses my face as I pull Nessie close and give her the hug she's anticipating. My world is suddenly a thousand times brighter, all my irritation vanishing as if it had never been. Nessie giggles, squeezing her tiny arms around my neck as hard as she can. Then she leans back and touches my cheek though her candy-coated thoughts are already speaking to me.

I see an image of her sitting proudly on Emmett's massive shoulders as he runs through the forest with Rosalie at their side. The exhilaration is almost as exciting as the warm, moist scent they are trailing. Her exuberant laughter tinkles like angelic wind chimes conveying her happiness with its enchanting song.

"You want to go hunting?" I ask and Nessie beams flashing her adorable dimples.

"She wanted to come with us but I told her she had to ask you first." Rosalie explains. "We don't mind. You know Emmett loves having someone his age to compete with." She snickers.

"Can I Daddy?" Nessie's chocolate eyes, a bottomless replica of her mother's, turn their power on me and I am defeated instantaneously.

"Of course." I kiss her nose and she giggles again, the sound warming me more than any fire ever could.

You're a sucker for a pretty face, that's all. Emmett taunts.

"I've yet to hear you tell her no." I counter only half listening as Nessie shows me more images of past hunting trips with Rose and Em.

"I'm her Uncle. I'm supposed to spoil her rotten." This time he's speaking out loud.

Rose smirks. "We're all guilty. Come on Nessie. The sooner we leave the sooner we can get back. Remember Alice wants to play dress up later."

A half formed thought comes to me from Rosalie but she recovers herself before I can grasp it. Even so the gist of it does not escape me. "You're keeping Nessie here at the house tonight?"

"Don't pry Edward. It's already settled."

Emmett's grinning manically again, suddenly repeating the words to Yankee Doodle Dandy in his head as he quickly leaves the room. No, not the least bit suspicious at all.

"What's going on?" I demand.

"Nothing." Rose says innocently. Too innocently.


She ignores me, flipping her blond hair over her shoulder in a disdainful manner. Holding out her hand to Nessie, she beckons. "Time to go sweetie."

"Bye Daddy." Nessie gives me a smacking kiss on the cheek and bounds out of my arms.

I watch the girls walk away, trying to imagine what Emmett and Rose could possibly be up to. Almost as an afterthought, Rosalie glances back from the doorway. "By the way, Bella said she needed your help with something at the cottage. Maybe she bought a new ceiling fan."

I growl softly as Rose's soft chuckle and Emmett's sputtering laughter drift through the whole house.

A.N.- Just a bit of silliness I came up with after watching a few Twilight spoofs on U-Tube. I know that vampires do not need ceiling fans for temperature purposes but I do imagine that the feel of the air circulating would be quite pleasant for them.

I was going to tack on some nice smut to this little piece but I figure its been sitting collecting dust long enough.

Hope this is funny. Thanks for reading.