Alright everyone! While I am slaving my way through the second part of 'bite' (which you should all go read and review), I came up with this crazy idea. I'm not exactly sure why I did, but I'll tell you where I got it from. Eating a bag of Doritos. Yup, they just come out of nowhere. But I think you'll see the Doritos reference pretty quickly. I hope you all like it! And yea, I'm doing Naruto's POV again. =P What can I say, I love the little fuzzball! Oh, and if you've noticed a pattern with my supporting characters, I really like using Kiba, Ino and Shikamaru for some reason. Humor I guess.

Warning: This is a boyxboy fic! It will have a lemon in it somewhere, so you have been warned. If you continue reading, prepare for a nosebleed. Haha just kidding!

Disclaimer: I do not not not not not NOT own Naruto.

Love Machine

I only regretted one thing in college. No, I didn't mind getting yelled at by Tsunade for pouring alcohol into the water fountain in front of the school. Me and Kiba planned that damn thing for weeks. And no, there was no way I'd take back dating that girl that took yoga lessons. She showed me ways of bending that I never even dared to dream off. Even though now I look back at how awkward I was with her, her tricks paid off in the end of all of this. I assure you of that. And plucking Lee's eyebrows while he slept was probably the only reason Sakura ever started to date him. So no, I didn't regret that either. None of the past two years had bothered me, and I would have loved to do them again.

Except one thing.

"Damnit Uchiha! You screwed me out of a hot shower again!" I rubbed the wetness from my naturally spiky hair, which now flopped into my eyesight from the weight of the water. Glaring at the bored guy in front of me, I could only growl. Uchiha Sasuke, age 19. Black hair, black eyes, black heart. Oh, and for some reason, the biggest heart throb in the school. Puhlease. I had known the kid for six years and there was nothing attractive about him in the morning. I should have just taken a picture of it and posted it around the school. That would make his fan club freak.

"Deal with it." Was my roommate's oh so fantastic answer. I should have strangled him right there. It would have made the next three weeks of college so much easier. But instead, I just chucked my towel at his face and stormed over to the bag of Doritos I had snagged from the party the night before. I was amazed that either of us was up before noon, since the party hadn't even ended until three. As it was, I felt my body aching from the wrestling fight me and Kiba had gotten into. The only thing that made it worth it was the fact that Kiba had a black eye by the end of the match. Not that it was intentional or anything…hee hee.

"Next time, I get first shower. You spend way too much time in there, you're like a girl! If I had wanted to room with a chick, I would have signed up for co-ed dorm." But like the idiot that I was, I made the biggest mistake of my college career. I decided to room with Uchiha Sasuke. There were three main reasons I wanted to bunk with the jerk. One, Kiba was already rooming with that lazy ass Shikamaru. The two had known each other when they were kids before Kiba moved to my town. The most unmotivated genius I've ever known, Nara Shikamaru was known for his 200 IQ and his random cloud gazing on campus. We had actually met in our freshman year of college. I had seen how truly smart he was, and asked why he didn't go somewhere like Harvard or Yale. He replied with "this school's got the best lawn to lay on". People didn't know whether to call him a hippie or a prodigy. I just called him lazy. He seemed to respond best to that.

Two, the space. Because Sasuke and I had both gotten in on scholarships, we got the plus of an apartment dorm instead of just a single room. Kiba was pretty pissed about it until we found out that Shikamaru had gotten a room two floors under us. I was just happy that I didn't have to sleep in the same room with Sasuke. Sure we had slept over each other's houses before, but it wasn't every night. That would just be weird.

The last reason was girls. Since Sasuke was a girl magnet in high school, I figured that it'd be a sure way to get girls back to my room. My plan was that when they realized what an asshole the teme was, they'd see me as their knight in shining armor and come running to my bed. I had my eyes set on Haruno Sakura for a while in high school, but she set me straight with an 'I love you like a brother' speech the first week of our college experience. Yea, it hurt my pride more than I wanted to admit. But after some long consideration (and strangely enough, talking to Sasuke till 3 in the morning), I managed to get over it. And now I was a year older, and completely happy for bushy brows to be dating my wanna-be little sister. Plus, I knew that he wasn't going to be making any big moves soon. He was too busy working on our school's rendition of 'Romeo and Juliet'. And you'd never guess who the two main characters were.

It was me and Yamanaka Ino. Yea I know, you really didn't guess huh? Me and Ino had been in the theatre group together since sophomore year, and for some reason, people liked to see us work together. Whether it was a piece from Shakespeare or a comedy from Lee (although, I think he thought they were romantic), we just seemed to click. And it drove Shikamaru crazy. Mainly because he couldn't act his way out of a paper bag, and so he watched the one girl he had been crushing on spend all her time with me. Not that I'd ever take her or anything, I know the man-code. But since I knew how badly Ino wanted Shikamaru to gets the guts to ask her out, I always hammed up our performance when he was around. And you all thought Uzumaki Naruto was a dummy, huh?

"Dobe." Especially one annoying roommate. The roommate who did nothing for me, because the girls were turned on even more by his stupidness. Yes, I had to make up a word to describe him.

"Teme!" I growled back, annoyed with the smirk that fit so nicely on his face. Those pictures were so being made into big posters now.

"If you wanted a warm shower, you should have just waited. Not like you have any classes on a Saturday."

"Yea, but unlike you, I have to get to practice while you sit on your ass and do nothing." I said, munching down on my Doritos. The things were actually pretty good considering the nasty taste in my mouth. I knew I should have brushed my teeth before I went to bed. So once I finished off the bag, I headed back into the bathroom to clean my mouth. I could still hear Sasuke's mumble from the other room.

"Because studying to keep my scholarships is nothing. Idiot." Unlike me, Sasuke's scholarships to Konoha University were more…academic. He was pretty smart, something about being a legal genius. I didn't care, since I got a full scholarship from the school for my fine arts talent. And since my goal was to become a theatre teacher, the money was being put to good use. Not only was this my third play at the college, but I was the first male sophomore to get a leading role in one of the plays. I guess despite my goofy personality and amazing charming looks, I was able to pull off some truly ugly characters.

"Whatever. Have fun doing that," I muttered, throwing on my coat when I emerged from the bathroom. I opened the door to the room, glancing back at him from over my shoulder. I hesitated a second, watching his eyebrows crease from the concentration of his studies. The only real thing me and Sasuke had in common was our style of clothing, mainly wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. But his colors were always dark and bland, while mine were bright and flashy. So it came to no surprise to me that the emo kid wore a black hoodie and blue jeans. Just his style.

Despite how much I made fun of him, I could see why some girls could be interested in him. He wasn't horrible looking I guess. He had gotten more attractive throughout the years. We all did fill out nicely in the end. And no, I wasn't checking him out. I was just making a friendly observation about my best friend. He had a pale complexion still, and the only really colored part of him was his mouth. He was built lean, like me, and was the average 5'10 in height. Nothing was strange or odd about him. Not like me, with the damn whisker marks on my cheeks. I looked like a fox cub or something! But my friends just say it adds to me.

But his eyes always seemed dangerous, like somehow he could take you out without a second thought. We hardly ever physically fought, because Sasuke never 'stooped to being so childish'. But the one time we did go at it, it wasn't pretty. Sasuke had lost his dad the winter of our sophomore year when his car skidded off of the road and into a frozen lake. The next few days Sasuke didn't come to school, and when I went to his house after the funeral, his mother said he hadn't been home. Sakura was worried sick, and since I was so loyal to her back then (and not because I wanted to make sure Sasuke was okay) I tracked him down at an old baseball field.

It was scary how still he was. If I wasn't an idiot, I probably would have left him alone in the rain. Instead, I sat down next to him and tried to convince him to go back home. He didn't seem to be listening to me, so I grabbed his shoulder. It was my first mistake. My second was thinking Sasuke wouldn't really punch me, even if his fist was flying toward my face. We ended up beating the shit out of each other, wearing our nice dress clothes while rolling around in the rain and mud. He broke my ankle, and helped me limp home after we realized what we were doing. I sliced his face open, and rode with him to the hospital despite the pain in my ankle. It wasn't until they forced him to get stitches did I pass out from the pain. Even now, if he moves his hair, the scar is still there. My ankle sometimes gets sore if I use it too much.

"You want something?" He hadn't even looked up from his damn textbook. It always bugged me that Sasuke was able to tell where or who I was looking at, even without seeing me. Like he could read my actions. Must have been something he carried on from his previous life.

"Since it's my turn to get dinner, what do you want?" Even though I was the more creative of the two, there was one thing that Sasuke was better at than me. Cooking. Every time I even looked at a stove, it would blow up. So we switched off on the weekends, Sasuke cooked Saturdays and I grabbed food for Sundays. That way, I didn't burn the whole dormitory down and I didn't go broke buying take-out every night. The only time we both ate dinner at the dorm room together was the weekends. Otherwise we were running around; me working at the pizza shop down the street or going to play practice, while Sasuke worked as a cashier at the campus bookstore. Go figure the book worm would work there.

"Not ramen." Damnit. I knew I shouldn't have asked him. It was hard enough to get him to eat McDonalds as much as I did. No matter where we went, any restaurant or drive-thru I suggested, Sasuke would always get the healthiest salad, with extra tomato. Yuck. He could tolerate yummy (he called it greasy) food when he had to. But for some reason, he hated Ramen. It didn't even matter what flavor. Said something about how it was a food made to kill. I thought it was pretty damn good myself. And I was in no way, shape or form dying. Maybe it had stunted my growth a little, since I was the smallest of our group. But what was height anyways? It only got in the way of shallow ceilings.

"Fine, jerk. I'll just call you before I head home." I grabbed my theatre bag before I shut the door. Why I even bothered to pay for his rabbit food was a mystery. The only reason I could force myself to remember was the fact that when he did cook, it was really good.

I had barely made it down my flight of stairs to the exit when I noticed a familiar set of girls signing into our building. Oh great, a group of Sasuke's fans were going up. Probably signing up under Sasuke's name again. I should have expected it, since they normally went in groups throughout the weekend in hopes of seeing their 'darling' Sasuke. Gag me with a spoon. Didn't they realize that Sasuke stopped answering the door? Most of the time he tried to get me to answer it, but I stopped after one group of girls knocked me over to get into the room.

"Ha. That'll teach him to use all the water," I mumbled, glancing up to the clock and swearing. Damnit, I was late. Ino was going to have my head on a platter if I didn't get there in five minutes. So running across the entire campus, I forced myself to jog up the auditorium stairs. I pushed the door hard, flinching a bit when I heard it smash into the wall. There was already a permanent indent from all the times I had been late and scared of Ino's wrath. As it was, I could see the blonde glaring up at me from the stage. Waving and laughing weakly, I walked down the aisle before jumping easily onto the stage, pretending nothing was wrong. "Hey Ino wha—"

"Don't you even start Uzumaki Naruto. You are late again! Don't you know that it's rude to keep a lady waiting for you! Especially one as pretty as me." There was only one girl in the entire world I was scared of. And it was Yamanaka Ino when I pissed her off. I could practically see the steam shooting out of her ears. Nobody messed with her. Heck, she could probably beat the wrestling team when she got angry.

"Aw come on Ino, you know I didn't mean to. It's just Uchiha being an ass again. He took forever in the shower today, and I don't think you want me to stink when I lay one on you." I grinned at her wrinkled nose, knowing her disgust was overriding her anger. I had a talent with that specific department.

"You're lucky that I am such a forgiving friend. Otherwise your face would be smashed in right now."

"You're so sweet. Must be why Shikamaru adores you so much." At the mention of our friend, and her mega crush, Ino blushed. Even though she was infamous for scouting out cute boys, Ino didn't date much. She was more of a match maker, and would use her 'abilities' to get her friends together. And if a guy did ask her out, she could always make up an excuse as to why she couldn't date them. They were not tall enough, not small enough, not smart enough, and not cool enough. In other words, they were not Shikamaru enough for her taste.

"You shut up right now Naruto!" I snickered at my partner's reply. It was so painfully obvious that the two had hit it off from the first time they met in our Writing 102 class. Ino was completely irritated with his laziness, and Shikamaru hated how much intelligence she lacked. Still, somehow, the two became really close throughout the class and eventually fell for each other. And they would have been going out, if Shikamaru would open his mouth and ask her. But he was too lazy, and Ino refused to ruin her fairy tale by being the one to ask him. And so, they two danced around the subject to the point where it even made me dizzy.

"Come on Ino, take the initiative already. If you wait for him to make the move, you're gonna be all old and wrinkly when he asks!" She scowled and crossed her arms, quickly shaking her head in refusal.

"No way. That's not how it's supposed to be."

"You two are so irritating!"

"What did you call me?!" I would have smacked myself if I didn't have to avoid Ino's fist, quickly running away from the steaming girl. Great, just what I needed before a practice.

"Ino stop! Fighting isn't the answer!" I sighed in relief when I saw bushy brows walking our way. Rock Lee was a charming, bubbling idiot who had fallen head over heels in love with Sakura the first time she had stepped into his gaze. Promising that he would win her over, he spent all of our freshman year showing her as well as all of us how good-hearted he was. Even though Sakura denied him and pushed him away, Lee never stopped trying to sway her. And so when she finally agreed to a date at the beginning of the year, Sakura found out just how great of a guy Lee really was. And for the last two months, the two had been an item.

"Let them fight Lee, it could be funny to watch." Shikamaru's lazy tone caught Ino's attention, making her drop her intention to kill me in order to watch her not-so-secret crush flop into one of the auditorium chairs.

"Gai sensei will get very angry with us if we let our Juliet kill our Romeo!" I sighed at Lee's odd dedication to our director.

"What's the difference? They kill each other in the end anyways," Shikamaru replied languidly, glancing to Ino from the corner of his eye. Gah the two of them gave me a headache.

"Not before I get my make-out scene!" I said, winking over to Ino. Even though she glared back in reply, I could see the narrowing from the now alert boy in front of us. "I always knew you'd be the death of me Ino."

"You wish! I'm too cute to die with you." Her self confidence amazed me. No wonder she had no problem acting, she had no self hesitancy when she tried it.

"Whatever, you can't handle my awesomeness!" I replied, sending her a thumbs up. Her answer was an eye roll before she continued to read her lines. Sighing, I looked over to Lee and Shikamaru before dropping to the side of the stage. "Man, I don't get girls. Why do they always go to the jerks? I mean, look at Sasuke!"

"Yea, he's the reason we were so late. Troublesome."

"What the heck are you talking about Shika? Sasuke's in our room studying or some boring shit like that."

"Yeah, and his little group of fangirls are blocking the entire hallway. We had to use the back stairs to get out of our dorm. Their love for him knows no bounds!" Lee's news pissed me off. Just when I thought the idiot couldn't get any more popular, he did. Even though people could sign up on their own, only three people could sign under one name. So normally, there were six up in the hallway, giggling and knocking on the door. Three were under his name, and three under mine. But by the way Lee was talking, there had to be many more than that. Great. Now they were signing up under their friend's names to get to Sasuke. This was getting insane!

"When will they stop? The kid is like the George Clooney of Konoha University! He is wanted by every girl in the place, and he dates nobody. It's like he's asexual or something." Well, that wasn't completely true. Sasuke had dated two girls in the past six years. One was in our freshman high school math class named Karin. The other was back during our junior year. He never even bothered to tell me her name, and she was in college so I never got to see her. Not that it really mattered, since he dumped both of them within a week. But still, a college girl?! The least he could have done was gotten me some action!

"Well what do you expect? Sasuke's hot for a pale kid. And so long as he's single, he's never going to stop getting fangirls," Ino said, shrugging as she flipped the page of the script.

"What do you mean? He's going to look the same whether he's dating a girl or not." Ino looked at me like I was an idiot. What the hell, didn't she understand that her crazy girl talk was pure gibberish to me?

"Duh. Of course he will. But he'll be a boyfriend. If he has a girlfriend, then she'll be able to ward off all the other girls. After a while, they'll stop bothering him." I let the sentence sink in for a second before an idea popped into my head.

"So all I've gotta do is get Sasuke to go out with one of his fangirls? And I'll be able to live in peace?"

"You can try. But I doubt anything you think of will work. Sasuke won't date one of them." Shikamaru's words floated through the air, making me glare over to him. Of course he would say something like that. Maybe, now looking back at it, Shikamaru knew something I never did. He talked to the bastard more than I thought. But at the moment, I had only seen his taunting smile. Well, maybe it was a grimace. It was too much effort to smile for Shikamaru.

"You don't think I can do it? Well I'll show you!" At my angry protest, I saw Shikamaru rub his temple.

"I don't mea—"

"So you wanna make a bet?"

"No."

"I'll bet you that I can get Sasuke a girlfriend before the last showing of the play!"

"Naruto, that's only three weeks away! Stop being dumb," Ino said, shaking her head. It was obvious that she didn't want my attention to stray away from the play. And if I was anyone else, I might have let it go. But I was Uzumaki Naruto, and I had pride to keep.

" No way. I'm gonna show this genius that he doesn't know everything." I grinned down at Shikamaru, who sighed loudly and closed his eyes.

"Troublesome."

"You're not getting out of it this time Nara! Whoever loses the bet has to answer one wish that the winner wants. And it can be annnnnnything." I stretched out the last word to add emphasis, and maybe a little drama to the whole thing. Hey, what can I say? I AM the theatre king after all.

"Fine. I need someone else to play Shogi with." At the mention of time alone, Ino instantly looked up from her script and blushed.

"I'll play with you Shikamaru!" I didn't think Ino could see it from where she sat, but a red hue was clearly showing up on Shika's face. I'm sure he was thinking the same thing Ino was. Alone time. It was enough to probably start bad thoughts in his head. So instead of giving any indication of just what was racing through his mind, Shikamaru shrugged his shoulders at the hopeful girl.

"Whatever," He mumbled, starting to fall asleep in the seat. Before he could, Asuma sensei hit him hard on the back of the head. I laughed as the normally composed kid stumbled out of his seat, catching himself weakly. Looking back at the older man, Shikamaru sighed and rubbed the spot where he had been struck. "A 'wake-up' could have worked."

"Who are you kidding, you lazy bum? You would have ignored me and you know it. Now come help me with the lighting or else Gai is going to have a stroke." So that's why Shikamaru was here. Since Shikamaru was so horrible at acting, and Ino wouldn't stop it even if her life depended on it, Shikamaru had to find another way into the theatre business. So when Asuma needed someone to help him run the lighting booth last year, we were all surprised that Shikamaru offered to do it. And ever since then, Shika had become sort of like an apprentice for the older guy. Even if he complained about it the entire time, Shikamaru seemed to enjoy working with Asuma. They would either be working on the lighting for the next performance, or they would be in the booth playing Shogi or Go. I never got either game, way too boring for me to pay attention to.

"What a drag." Shikamaru glanced back at me while he was walking up the stairs. "Don't gross me out too much while you practice, or I'll blind you."

"Yea yea, and your little dog too," I replied, waving him off with my hand. I looked up at the clock, seeing that normal practice was going to start soon. "If you wanna run through the scene before anyone gets here Ino, we better do it now."

"Alright Lee, get up here and follow us in the script. Once me and Naruto are done and Shino gets here, I'll run lines with you two." Even though Lee normally worked on the sidelines, Lee got the role of my arch nemesis, Paris. It was pretty funny actually, since at one point, the two of us did like the same girl. But once I finally got over Sakura, I was more than happy to give her up to Lee. Bushy brows did make a really good Paris too, despite his normal ranting on love and youth. But he probably got that from--

"Ah! Look at all my students working so hard to get into character. You three are so young, so youthful! You make me feel alive again!" …Him. Looking up at our director, I mentally groaned. Gai sensei was a big man with an even bigger heart. It wasn't that he was bad or anything, he was just really…emotional at times. And Lee idolized him.

"Sensei! It is an honor to work with a man with such talent as yours." I smacked my head and heard Ino groan beside me, watching the two hug in a way that if it was anyone else, would have made them gay. But since it was Lee and Gai sensei, it was just normal business.

"Do you ever stop, look at your life, and wonder what went wrong?" I laughed at Ino's blunt question. Despite her temper issues, Ino was a very funny girl. Especially when she had such good stuff to work with right in front of her.

"Well, my dear, we are Romeo and Juliet. The thought should have passed our minds about three swallows into our poisonous beverage. So, shall we get rid of these common people and kill ourselves lovingly?" I turned to her, bowing while I held my hand out. She smiled and giggled in her 'oh my god I'm so in love with this guy I met 20 seconds ago' voice, placing her hand in mine and letting me pull her to my body. I could see the flowing tears drip from both the pupil and master's face, and I sweat dropped. They really did get into this a whole lot more than I ever thought possible.

"Brilliant! I couldn't have written it better myself! It's in the script now!" Gai's fingers worked the pen hard into his pad of paper, Lee nodding as he clapped.

"Such poetry Romeo, your soul screams with love." Glancing up to Gai, I watched Lee's eyes shimmer in adoration when the director patted his head and gave him a smile so big, I thought I actually saw it sparkle.

"Good work Lee. We'll add that into the script as well."

"You can't change the play! It's Shakespeare!" Me and Ino shouted simultaneously. Was he crazy?!

"Come along Lee! The computer awaits!" Apparently so, because he completely ignored our complaints and walked out of the auditorium. Lee followed happily on his heels. I sighed and hit myself in the head, suddenly dreading what else they would change.

But glancing up at the lighting booth to see Shikamaru watching me and Ino, I felt my confidence block out my previous thoughts. I had the plan perfectly set up. I would get Sasuke to fall for some random girl, and then once I had them going out, the 'genius' would be in my grasp. And what better way to make Ino happy and Shikamaru suffer than to have him ask her out on the last day of our performance? It was brilliant and evil, and yet not when you think of it. Because in the end, the two who would benefit from the whole ordeal would be Ino and Shikamaru. The only thing I was getting out of it was being able to safely enter my room without girls trying to sneak their way in. Not that I would mind if it was for me. But since that wasn't the case, the girls had to go. And I was just the guy to do it.

Oh how right I was.

~**~

"This is impossible." I groaned and smacked my head onto the table I sat at, knowing that the bruise that would form would only add to my stress. It had been exactly one week , two days since I made the bet with Shikamaru, and I was starting to doubt that even someone as great as me could juggle everything at once.

"What's up Naruto? You have to add more than two numbers together?" I glared up at the brunette boy sitting in front of me, who was too busy mowing down on his food to notice. I rubbed the sore spot on my forehead before grabbing my ramen, shoving it into my mouth. And I hoped Sasuke saw it too, for all the damn trouble he had been causing.

"It's just too much. I am barely passing my human geography class, the director keeps changing the play around to the point where I don't even think my name is Romeo now, the girls around my room are starting to set up tents, and I can't get the stupid idiot to even look at a girl for more than a few seconds before he's off shoving his nose into a book! This is driving me insane!" I'm not sure which part of my rant made the funny look on Kiba's face appear, but it was enough to make me smile. Leave it to Inuzuka Kiba to unconsciously make me feel better.

"Okay, so I'm not sure which part scares me more. The fact that girls are camping outside your room, or the part that you're upset about it."

"They're not for me. They're for Sasuke. They even sell t-shirts on the first floor with Sasuke's picture on it." I muttered, stirring the remaining noodles of my ramen around. They never did put enough in the ramen bowls at school. I could eat like, seven, and still be hungry!

"All over emo-boy?"

"Yea, I know! It's something about how he's sexy because he doesn't chase after girls. Their logic doesn't make any sense."

"No kidding. If I saw a girl with my face on her shirt, I'd be freaked out." I rolled my eyes and looked up at him, shaking my head.

"If any girl wanted you, you'd be jumping over buildings to get to her." I smiled when he flicked a French fry at me, easily dodging it. Even though I played around with Kiba, he was better off than me. Kiba had a steady girlfriend named Hinata, who had been going out with dog-breath for a couple months now. The two were pretty cute together, not that I'd ever tell him. After all, we were men, and men didn't call each other cute.

"I don't see you with any following you around." He said, rolling his eyes. I simply shrugged finishing off my second bowl of ramen before talking.

"What can I say? I'm just not looking in the right places then." I jerked my head up when I heard a loud crash behind us. Some girl tripped over herself, knocking into the pile of dirty trays. But while Kiba laughed, I noticed something out of place behind her. There, over her head, was a small set of tables with a big red heart hanging over it. Normally the area was used for fundraisers or student testing, so seeing such bright decoration around it was a bit surprising.

"Hey Kiba, what's with the stand over there? Valentine's day isn't even for another five weeks. Don't you think they're starting a little too early?" I asked. He looked up as well, staring at it blankly for a few seconds before she snapped his fingers. Or tried to at least, since the sauce from his chicken wing stopped the sound.

"Oh! That's the thing Hinata was telling me about earlier. Yea, some language club wants to go on a vacation for a week in spring, so they got a 'Soul Mate Machine' as a fundraiser to get some money for it. That way they don't have to pay as much separately."

"Soul mate?"

"Yea! What you do is give them five bucks and they give you this test that is supposed to determine what type of person you are. You give them the test back and they send it through the machine. The machine is programmed to compare and analyze your personality to come up with the person that best fits you. It then looks at the answers from everyone else in the school, and whoever your soul matches up with, that's who you're supposed to be with in the end. It's actually a really accurate test Hinata was telling me."

"How can they even tell if it's accurate?"

"I thought about that too. But the machine was tested on twenty relationships. Ten of them were picked out from the machine, and ten were already together. The ten that the machine picked ended up staying together even after the few weeks of testing. But this is where the really cool part comes in. For some of the couples that were already together, the machine said they weren't good. In fact, a girl from one relationship and a boy from another were picked to be together. The ones that the machine said would break up did, and those two people hooked up! And they weren't even told about the results!"

"That's awesome!" I stared over at the machine sitting next to the tables in awe. That thing was amazing! Who knew that we could get technology to become that evolved? I was cut away from my musing when Kiba spoke.

"Yea, I bet that thing could get a good match for anyone." My eyes slowly widened at the goldmine that Kiba had struck in my head. That was it. The perfect way to make my plan come true.

"Kiba, give me the fifteen bucks."

"What? Why?" I grinned over to him, and I sure he saw the mischief that was spiraling through my body.

"Because, idiot. I just thought of how to get Sasuke's perfect 'soul mate' to appear out of nowhere. I can just use the machine to do all the hard work for me, and then I just have to find them and get Sasuke to talk to them. It's perfect!" He laughed as I practically jumped in my seat from the excitement. I mean, how often was it that Uzumaki Naruto pulled a fast one on Nara Shikamaru? It was like David and Goliath, and I had just pulled out my lucky sling and rock. Oh yea, that giant was going down!

"Fine, but I told you the test was only five. Why do you want fifteen?" I pulled him with me as I walked over to the tables. I could see that a lot of the Sasuke fanclub were in line, waiting to get their tests. Somehow I doubted that any of them had a chance with Sasuke.

"Because I have to buy one for Sasuke."

"Duh."

"Shut up dog-breath! Or I'll tell everyone, especially Hinata, how you got that name." I watched his face pale slightly at the threat. Of course, having your girlfriend find out you ate dog food while you were piss drunk was probably the best way for all intimate touching to stop. It was even worse when you had pictures. "The other five bucks is for my own test. Sasuke's not going to go for this unless I somehow convince him it's for a class I need. I'll just submit the test and have it sent to your room instead of mine. That way, he'll never know. Plus, if the Uchiha is gonna find him damn soul mate on my money, I better be getting something from it too."

"It's my money you idiot."

"…Same thing!"

"And the last five?"

"I'm still hungry," I said, my stomach growling on command. Laughing and poking my stomach, Kiba grabbed the extra money from me, making me growl. The last thing you wanted to do was get in-between a man and his ramen.

"Calm down killer. I'm not waiting in this line with you; I'm gonna have to do it later with Hinata. I'll grab your ramen so you can eat while we head to psych. The last thing we need to is get caught by Tsunade again when we're supposed to be in class." Sadly, Kiba was right. The last thing we needed was to get into even more trouble with the president of the college. It was pure luck that Tsunade was good friends with my family, and that she happened to be the one who kept my sorry ass from getting kicked out. And for some reason, she took pity on Kiba. Probably thought without him, I'd go crazy or something…yea, right.

"Fine, just hurry up! I'm gonna eat one of the girls up here if I don't get something in me." I laughed as he waved me off, before moving forward and grabbing the papers from the table. Paying for the tests, I looked at them slowly and grinned. These were the tickets to a fangirl free life. And tickets to Shikamaru's horrible defeat, which I would bask in so gloriously. I could hardly wait to see the bastard's face when I got home.

Which meant that the rest of the day went by way too slow. In fact, I think the clocks stopped on purpose a few times just to piss me off. Damn things. But eventually my class was finished and I didn't even wait for Kiba to catch up as I ran to my dorm, so excited to get into my room that I didn't care about the line of girls outside my door. I was actually happy to see them, because it meant that Sasuke was home. I could get my plan started tonight!

"Teme! Where are you?" I shouted, cramming the door shut as several girls tried to keep it open. Damn they were strong when their obsession took hold of them. I think a few of them could have easily snapped me in half if I had stayed out there any longer. But once I locked the door and turned, I saw the bastard watching me from the couch, a textbook laid out on his bare stomach. I would have slapped the stupid smirk off of his face if not for the fact I needed him in the best mood I could possibly have him in. But this was Uchiha Sasuke, so I doubted it would be very much higher than his normal pissy attitude.

"Have fun out there?" He asked slowly, his smirk continuing to grow. Even though I tried to hold my temper back, some slipped out.

"Shut up asshole! The least you could have done was help me out! They were tearing my clothes off to get to you." I glanced down at my torn shirt, which barely clung onto my skin. I hadn't been exaggerating when I said that. They would do anything to get to him! Sighing at the ruined scraps, I threw the rest of the shirt into the trashcan. Luckily I had been in a rush to get home; I didn't even waste time putting my sweatshirt on. If I had, they would have torn the tests apart that lay hidden in my sweatshirt pocket. AND they all would owe me thirty bucks!

I leaned my back against the counter of our kitchen, glancing to him and crossing my arms in anticipation for his reply. To respond to my near death experience, he slid his fingers down his body to grab the book. I don't know why I was so fascinated with the slim finger that pulled the text up to cover his face. Or why I felt a weird shiver coil around my spine when his torso became visible to my eyes. It was something that had been happening a lot the past couple months, but I ignored it. I was guessing it was because he rarely went shirtless around people. Maybe the skin repulsed me or something. Sure, I'd go with that. It made more sense than the other disturbing reason I had thought of.

"Ah." I paused when I realized he hadn't started to read the book, but was glancing up at me over the brim of it. He was hiding the rest of his face from me. Oh! He was feeling guilty for not helping. Ha! Hiding his shame with his book! "That must be a change for you. Normally girls try to run away." Or maybe he was just being a prick.

"You…." I felt my eye twitch in anger, and hit a fist back into the counter to keep from using his face as a punching bag. Why was it he had to be such an ass when I needed something from him?

"What are you doing home anyways? Don't you have practice tonight?" He asked, finally pulling his smoky eyes back down to the book. I took a deep breath to remind myself of the plan, casually walking over to the sweatshirt I had dropped on the ground.

"Gai sensei had to go to a teacher's meeting tonight, so practice got cancelled. That's why we had that practice Sunday. He didn't wanna lose a day because of 'the injustice of the school against youthful art' or whatever," I said, grabbing my tools of destruction before moving toward the teme in waiting. Pushing his feet off of the couch, I sat next to him. He cocked an eyebrow, but said nothing as I leaned a bit closer, looking over his shoulder at the book. I didn't care that we were both half naked or practically touching. Hell, for my scene as Plyades in The Libation Bearers, I was in front of tons of people in a tiny little outfit I was sure my ass was gonna fall out of. But Gai was always 'creative' when it came to costumes. So intimacy wasn't something that ever bothered me.

"Get away." But apparently Sasuke was shy. I rolled my eyes and ignored him, trying to be interested in the anatomy of a pig.

"So…you decided to become a bacon maker?" I asked, looking up at the aggravated face Sasuke was trying to keep hidden. The moment too good to pass up, despite my mind's constant yelling about the plan, I rested my chin onto his shoulder and grinned. "Great! Remind me to come to you when I want some breakfast."

"I'm becoming an archeologist. This is just one of the chapters that's going to be on my test for my science requirement." He jerked his shoulder away from me, causing my head to fall. Not exactly the smartest move on Sasuke's part (ha, Sasuke wasn't smart!) because my arms grabbed the other side of the couch to keep my balance. I could feel his body instantly tense when my stomach brushed along the outside of his thigh, and I had to swallow to keep my blush down. I never expected someone so into academics to have such a lean body. But Sasuke defied all logic, even the type in my head. Currently, my inner Naruto was running into a wall in a panic that my body actually enjoyed the feeling of his thigh flexing against my skin. This was getting weird.

"Tests!" I shouted, not caring about the absurd look I got from Sasuke. I needed to get my mind away from anything dangerous and not girl-involved. So I quickly decided that now was the best time to announce my plan. "I need you for a test!"

"What test…?" Damn him. He was looking at me like my upper body wasn't straddling his, and my stomach wasn't rubbing along his thigh whenever I took a breath in. In fact, he seemed to be completely comfortable at the moment. Maybe he had an inner Sasuke too? Now that was a thought that made me laugh. "What's so funny?"

"N-Nothing…just thinking to myself…" I finally forced my body away from Sasuke's to sit back up next to him. No wait, saying it like that sounds like I wanted to be there or something. I mean I…easily persuaded my body to sit away from him. There.

"It's just a personality test. Nothing too hard for even a hard ass like you. I've got to get some different types of people to do it for Psych and I thought 'who do I know that's not charming, handsome, amazing, or talented like me'? And so here we are!" I grinned up at him, trying to ignore the inner voice that was starting to cross off every word that I knew applied to Sasuke. Every adult thought he was polite and charismatic. He picked up almost anything that he tried to learn, including things that should be natural like art and speaking French. I could hardly draw a stick figure or say bonjour. And his body…

Gah. This was turning bad really quick.

"How long is it?" I blinked when I realized he was actually thinking about it. I grabbed one of the tests from the other side of me, holding it up to him and smiling.

"Here, it'll take five minutes tops! It's only about 30 questions, and they're all about you so you should be able to figure it out." He stared at the test silently, and for a few moments fear gripped at me. Was he going to say no? "And…and don't worry. I can't see your answers anyways. Once your done, I have to seal it in an envelope."

"I thought you said this was for a project?" He asked slowly. I had to keep my panicking body from showing just how close it was to blabbing the truth.

"I have to get three tests, but I only have to do an analysis on one. The professor doesn't want us to just slack off and wait until the last day to do all the work, ya know?" I could tell he wasn't exactly buying what I was saying, but he took the test anyways. I refrained from cheering, knowing that would set off his radar immediately. Honestly, he should have been happy with what I was doing! I was getting him the girl of his dreams right here. Oh well, I'd let him thank me at the wedding.

We sat quietly next to each other, both working on our separate tests. I filled it out quickly, slightly wondering how questions about my past or my tastes in food could make a difference in who I was supposed to be with. A couple times I glanced over at Sasuke, and I felt myself almost staring when I got to the only question I hesitated about. It was stupid really, because I knew what I was. The option of being gay shouldn't have even crossed my mind. I had chased after girls since I knew how to run. I looked back at the options, trying to roll my eyes and pretend it wasn't the hardest question of the test. I knew what I was. I knew what I was. I knew…

I checked Bi. Only because if it was truly a soul mate test, then it would know that I was straight and wouldn't pick a guy!

"You done?" Oh god. I closed my eyes at a sudden rush of tingles that spread through my body when his deep voice accompanied a warm breath. The duel action made my lips part, but no sound came out. What was happening to me? Was my body that desperate for attention that it would succumb to arousing itself with Sasuke's voice?

"Uh…yea." I mumbled finally, keeping my eyes closed in fear. Or was it expectation? I didn't know, the back of my ear was still warm from the caress of air blown again it. So I kept my head down, trying to make sure my blushing cheeks were unable to be seen by my roommate. I mean come on, how embarrassing would that be?! The last thing I needed was for him—

"Are you blushing, dobe?" …damnit. I opened my eyes to see him crouched in front of me, his knees resting between mine against the edge of the cushion. I wasn't sure what felt worse, the intense blushing he could see, or the sudden stirring of my arousal that he couldn't. He looked so weird, crouched between my legs like that. Like he was going to…

"Wh-What are you doing?!" I quickly shook my head and shoved him, not remembering the glass end table that was placed behind him. I heard him grunt when his bare back made contact before his ass fell to the floor, and my previous embarrassment and anger was gone. Quickly I moved off the couch, crawling over him as the panic I had been keeping inside of me from before suddenly burst. What can I say; my body can only hold so much in.

"Shit are you okay?!" I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him forward, peeking over him to see the deep red mark that was starting to form on his back's pale skin. Before I could stop myself, I grazed my fingers along the mark, pulling back a bit when he hissed.

"Stop touching it, idiot. I'm fine," He grumbled weakly against my shoulder, heating it with his breath. I jumped a bit, expecting the same type of shove. But when he didn't move, I slowly pulled back to look at him. It was weird, but Sasuke wasn't trying to get away. His body was relaxed, and he stared at me the same way he had over the book. Even though we were silent, I felt really…strange. Like somehow, he was able to see inside of me. And the feeling was so intense, that I felt my body shift forwards a bit in nervousness, making my eyes widen. There, in that moment, everything changed.

I knew I had made a noise, whether it was a grunt or moan I couldn't tell. But what I was sure of was the feeling of my body gliding against his, creating the smallest amount of friction between our hips. The movement shocked me. It scared me. Fuck, it aroused me. I closed my eyes to enjoy the lasting few seconds of electricity that went through me. Us. It had to be us, because I felt his body twitch under mine. And knowing his body reacted just as weird as mine made the reality of who I had rubbed against that much harder to swallow.

I wasn't sure my face could handle any more embarrassment, so I quickly moved off of him and snatched the tests from the couch.

"T-Thanks for pulling yourself away from those damn books. I…I owe you one," I mumbled, remembering the whole plan was for Sasuke, and that in fact, he should owe me something. But I kept my mouth shut as I slid the tests into the folder, slowly dropping it onto the end table. I couldn't keep my eyes away from the mark that ran across his back or the gentle movements of the muscle when he pushed to stand up. I was being strange, stranger than I wanted to admit. So instead, I looked to the folder and tried to push away the blood rushing to one particular spot. This whole thing had to be a really freaky dream.

"Whatever," He mumbled, and I heard him stand back up to sit on the couch. I nodded to get my body to move before I grabbed the folder, moving to my room quickly. I didn't trust my voice to say anything else. So I locked myself into my room for the rest of the night. I didn't even listen to my stomach when it started to growl in protest of my confident.

For once, Ramen was not going to solve my problems.

~**~

"They're here!" I shouted as I burst through the door of Kiba's door. If Shikamaru cared, he didn't show it. He simply rolled his eyes and pointed over to Kiba's room from the couch.

"He's in there."

"KIBA! Get your ass out here!!" I grinned over to Shikamaru, holding the returned envelope up for him to see. "You see this? This is going to give me the win!"

"Hm. Whatever." Damn this kid. A house could fall on him and he wouldn't care.

"What the hell are you yelling about Naruto? I think you just woke up people in China." Kiba muttered while opening his door. But once his eyes caught sight of what I held, his interest quickly picked up. "No way."

"It's been three long ass days, but I've finally got the teme!" Okay, that wasn't how I meant to say it. I didn't have Sasuke, because Sasuke wasn't mine. And I didn't want him to be! I think. No, I know. None of this would have happened if Sasuke hadn't had his shirt off. And if he hadn't moved. And if he hadn't crept up on me like a snake when I was trying to think! Then we would have never gotten in that position. I wouldn't have been on top of him, and we wouldn't have moved in a way that had made us avoid each other as much as possible.

I knew he wasn't coming into the apartment until later at night to make sure we didn't meet. And for right now, that was fine with me. Hell, I made it twice as easy for him by locking myself in my room whenever I was home. We didn't even eat breakfast together anymore, because he left way earlier than normal and I risked getting in trouble for class by leaving late. The whole scene would have been funny if I had been on the outside looking in. But since I wasn't, I was just waiting until I woke up from it all. And thankfully, the results of the test came back sooner than we thought.

"What did you guys do?" Shikamaru asked, rolling his eyes. I jumped over the couch to sit next to him, starting to tear open Sasuke's letter.

"We got Sasuke to do that soul mate thing without him knowing, and Naruto had the results send to our mailbox since he knows the lock combination." Kiba said, seeming just as pumped for the ripping of the envelope as I was. Because it was more than just a bet now. It was the key to making everything right with Sasuke again. Once he got his girlfriend, we could be best friends again and forget everything that had happened.

"Alright! Let's see who the lucky girl is!" I shouted, tearing the seal from the results. Smirking as I opened the paper, I didn't bother to look as I threw the paper into Shikamaru's face, grinning. "Eat that, Nara!"

"Huh." He stared at the paper for a few seconds, and I already could picture how I was going to make him as Ino out. Maybe I could convince Gai to add a new lazy character that revived Juliet in the end? He had already changed so much, might as well try. But I felt a sensation of dread fill my body when the scowl I was expecting did not show. In fact, something horrible was rising in my stomach when Shikamaru took the energy to muster a full smile and look up at me. "Congratulations."

"What?" I slowly pulled the paper back to myself, Kiba looking over my shoulder. I heard him swear, but I was frozen in place as I read the names on the list.

"What the fuck? That's not possible! That's not right!" My name stopped on the number one name, and every chance of winning this bet suddenly didn't matter. Because…"That's-"

"That's…my name…"

The end! Well for this part anyways. Oh you should know by now that I can't do one-shots even if I try my damnest. This is going to be a two/three shot story. So it's not done. BUT, the reason it's in 'complete' is because my last fic didn't go as well, and I'm scared I'm losing my touch (But I'm still working on it, for all of you who are reading 'Bite'). So I'm going to leave if up to you guys if you want me to continue. I thought it was a kind of new idea, I haven't read any like it to be honest. So let me know what you think! Oh…and by the way…

The next part…is going to be in Sasuke's POV. That's right, we're going into Sasuke's head –winks- So hope you review!