Title: The Perks of Being a Vampire
Genre: Romance/Humor/Alternate Universe
Summary: AU. It's not like I DIED. I just lost a little thing called humanity: my ability to sleep, the need to eat, breathe, poop…alright that last one is freaking awesome. Not gonna lie to you, there.
Disclaimer: *sigh* I don't even own a COPY of the books. Stephenie Meyer owns pretty much everything.
Warnings: Dark and childish humor? Sex in later chapters.
Author's Note: Bear with my strange narrating. Bella is definitely OOC and that's sort of the point. Also, there's probably a lot more Jacob than a lot of people want. Don't worry there is NO Jacob/Bella here. Boo on that ship, that sank with the canon. Get it? Hahaha…Bad joke. Sorry.
Perk #1: Embarrassing Bodily Functions Disappear
You know that feeling you get, right before something bad happens? Maybe it's your intuition, your subconscious that knows better than you do. It creeps up on you, makes your heart beat a little faster. Sometimes it is mistaken for indigestion.
I foolishly thought it was nerves over my date with the most attractive boy at the University of Washington: Edward Masen.
However, if I'd been thinking clearly about that mysterious feeling humming through my jittering body, I would have realized these weren't like my usual cases of nerves. Normally when I'm nervous I sweat a lot. Gross. That was why, as I got ready that evening, I applied a lot of Dove deodorant to my armpits.
Again, instead of thinking about those magical, voodoo, fortune-teller feelings I was having, I was thinking about the glorious Edward Masen. Simply thinking his name made me all giggly. With such powerful feelings rushing through me that were completely unrelated to horror and impending doom, it's no wonder I was clueless as to what was going to happen to me and the near-perfect Edward Masen.
I should explain. You probably don't understand the miracle that is Edward Masen. His beautiful bronze hair. Breathtaking green eyes. Toned just the right amount…I think I'm drooling venom, hold on.
Yeah, that's right. VENOM. This is the story of how I turned into a vampire, didn't you know?
What did you think? This story isn't some teen tragedy…Well, maybe slightly. Depends on your definition of tragedy. It's not like I DIED. I just lost a little thing called humanity: my ability to sleep, the need to eat, breathe, poop…alright that last one is freaking awesome. Not gonna lie to you, there. No sweating either, so my deodorant using days are over.
Another awesome thing? No periods! Makes me happy as a clam…well, I don't know what makes clams happy. But maybe if they never had to go through grotesque and tortuous experiences ever again, they would be happy, too.
I digress. Yes, this is the story of how I was transformed into a vampire and consequent events, yet more importantly, you need to know about how it happened.
Remember, I was ignoring those ever telling feelings of disaster. That's where we'll start. I was in my dorm room, my roomie Angela Weber was laughing at my primping antics. Probably because I don't primp very often.
"OW!" I shouted in pain. In my battle with the curling iron, I had accidentally pressed it against my ear. "Stupid curling iron," I grumbled at the inanimate object.
Angela thankfully took the curling iron away from me. "Let me help you, Bella. I've never seen someone so ignorant of how to use one of these before."
I scowled half-heartedly at her. "I really want to stun Edward by actually having done something to look nice. I didn't know it would be so hard."
"You're right. It's going to take a lot of work to make you look nice." Angela grinned in the mirror at me.
"Watch it, four-eyes," I threatened her.
"I'd be careful. Who has the scalding hot weapon in her hand?"
We both laughed at that. She really was the best roomie a girl could ask for. Whether it was staying up until three in the morning, dissecting our respective love interests or someone to come with you for a midnight snack when you're up late studying, Angela was there for me.
Angela and I had known each other since our humble days at Forks High School. Very humble days. I shudder in an effort to shake off the awkward high school memories. College was so much better. It was where I'd met Edward.
"What are you planning to wear? Please tell me you're not going out in," she glanced at my jeans and t-shirt combination, "That."
I rolled my eyes. "Of course not. I have my sexy little black dress saved for this momentous occasion."
Angela's eyes found mine in the mirror. "Momentous occasion?" She smirked.
"Naturally. Edward Masen and I are going on our first date." I said this like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"When Ben and I went on our first date…" Angela drifted off. I thought she was lost in nostalgic memories of her boyfriend of nearly four years. But then she snorted. "He closed his hand in the door and we had take him to the emergency room."
My eyes widened in shock. "You don't think…anything like that will happen with me and Edward? I don't think I can handle that. I'm nervous enough as it is."
"No. Edward is far smoother than Ben. Your night will be perfect."
Oh, how wrong my dear friend Angela was. Sometimes I wish she was a vampire like me so I could go tell her exactly how wrong she'd been that night.
At 6:30, I was as gorgeous as Angela and mine's combined talents could make me. I was aiming for knocking Edward flat on his back. POW! Then I would resuscitate him with my mad first aid skills.
I opened the door when he knocked on the door to pick me up and settled for his green eyes going wide in amazement. My ego inflated to the size of a whale.
"You look stunning, Bella," Edward said breathlessly.
"Thanks, you don't look so bad yourself. Very dashing." And he was. Of course, I was hardly looking at his clothes. I've always been entranced by his face. Freaking gorgeous.
"Ready to go? The show starts at 7:30 and it will take at least 45 minutes to get there." He said, waving at a beaming Angela in the background. She was on the phone with Ben, making plans for her Saturday night. No doubt the room would be defiled while I was gone. I'm pretty sure her and Ben do the dirty deed on our futon whenever I'm gone from the room for any significant amount of time. I had hopes Edward and I would have the same privilege in the future.
"Yeah, let me grab my purse." Under regular circumstances, I didn't carry a purse, but I couldn't very well shove anything in the nonexistent pockets of my dress. The purse was an awkward necessity.
"Bye, Ang! Have a good time." I wiggled my eyebrows at her suggestively. She blushed.
"Thanks." She said flatly. "Have a good time you two!"
"Bye, Angela." Edward said politely.
Angela's face turned pleasanter. "Bye. Drive safe!"
"I will!" Edward laughed.
Edward's speed driving was infamous. He'd driven me around a few times and it was an eye-opening experience. His speeding tickets are numerous. He apparently doesn't learn from his mistakes. I wonder how he still has a license.
Edward's silver Volvo was waiting in the dorm parking lot. It reminded me how rich he was. I was very comfortable with how different our family incomes were. His parents had had a successful business before they died, and all their assets went to him. He hadn't used a loan once since he came to college – without the help of scholarships, too. Not that he couldn't have gotten scholarships, he just let the needy have them. The needy such as myself.
He opened the passenger door for me and I climbed in carefully. I didn't want to trip or do any of my standard clumsy maneuvers on this date. If I wanted Edward Masen to ask me out again, I had to be on my best behavior.
Edward got in on his side and put the keys in the ignition. The car purred into life. So much quieter than the hunk of junk I drove.
As he distractedly pulled the car out of the lot, I examined his car. It was clean. Unlike the last time I'd seen it. I reveled in the idea that he cleaned it for our date.
"Bella," Edward said, distracting me from my explorations. "How have your classes been going this semester?"
I deliberated on the question. This was the first semester of my sophomore year. Edward and I had met in my Shakespeare class a little over three weeks ago. I felt like there wasn't much to say. I was an English literature major; did he want to hear about all the books I'd been reading?
"Good. Though, I'm glad we finished reading Comedy of Errors in Shakespeare. That has to be the worst thing Shakespeare ever wrote." I made a face at the memory. The play might have been more interesting on stage, but reading it had been excruciatingly painful: too many people with the same name.
Edward chuckled in agreement. "We haven't even got to Titus Andronicus."
"Is that the one with all the gore?" I moaned at the prospect. I hate gore.
I glanced at his speedometer. 75. Not bad, not too far beyond the speed limit of the interstate. Of course, the speed limit of the road we were on happened to be 50. Oh, well, he couldn't be completely perfect. If a sex god came with horrid driving habits, I'd take him.
"Yes, the one will all the gore. Arms and tongues are cut out. Cannibalism. Rape. And more murders than I can remember. "
"Eww, Edward. That's no way to talk to a lady when you're taking her to see a play."
"Ah, I'm excited about this play. It's by an up and coming playwright named…well. He's up and coming, I don't have to remember his name yet."
I giggled. All the words coming out of his mouth were enchanting. If I died now, my only regret would be that Edward hadn't kissed me yet. God, I was stupid, wasn't I? It was like I was asking for what would happen to us later that night.
"Ready for a late dinner?" Edward asked me, as we settled into his car once more, buckling up for safety. My stomach growled in response. "I'll take that as an affirmative."
My face burned in embarrassment. "Yeah. Where we going?" It had been a short play, only an hour, but that still meant it was pushing nine o'clock and I hadn't eaten since lunch.
"You like Italian?"
"Love it!" I said enthusiastically. I started fantasizing a ridiculous scene of Edward and me slurping a noodle into a long, passionate…noodle kiss. Uh, huh, that's stolen right from Lady and the Tramp.
"There's this place in Olympia that I think you'll like. You ever been there?"
"Yeah, I went to High School not far off from Olympia. Good old fashioned Forks, Washington."
"Yeah. It's no Chicago, like you, but it's…wet. Cloudy." I frowned. How do I explain to someone from such a big city what kind of place Forks is?
Edward chuckled at my descriptions of Forks. "Chicago is…windy." We both laughed. Nothing like understating the important parts of your hometown to amuse hungry people.
Our conversation drifted to the play. "It was great, very well done. I especially liked the little boy. He was adorable."
Edward nodded, keeping his eyes on the road. "The scene changes were incredible, flawless."
The speedometer was rising to 80. That intuitive feeling was back. I pushed it aside as nerves and kept talking to Edward. Looking back, I wonder why I didn't ask him to slow down. My father was the police chief for goodness sake! I had the perfect excuse to make him slow down. Yet…he seemed so in control of the car that I said nothing.
What I should have known, was that more often than not, it's some other bozo on the road that's the cause of most car accidents. Still, Edward's speed only made it impossible to avoid the crash.
The night was dark enough that we didn't see it until it was too late. A pale, young woman was in the middle of our lane. Standing there like a deer in the headlights. Honestly, a deer in the headlights would've been better. She didn't even flinch, that should have told me something was wrong, but all I could think was: Oh, my god, we're going to kill her!
Edward barely saw her in time to act.
"Shit." Edward growled, turning the steering wheel violently. A black Mercedes was unfortunately directly in our way, so Edward veered off the road entirely. There was no shoulder, only trees. I hadn't noticed while I was absorbed with conversing with Edward that we were traveling through an unpopulated area.
The trees were suddenly a lot closer than they had been before. A few choice words flew through my mind – mainly the word fuck!
I didn't scream, like I thought I would in this situation. I simply threw my arms in front of my face. The thud and tearing of Edward's pretty silver Volvo went unheard by my ears: I was in shock. Glass shattered everywhere as the car wrapped around the tree like a well paid hooker to her newest client. Then there was silence.
I blinked. The airbags hadn't gone off. Stupid fickle things.
My arms had fallen away from my face. I looked down at them, my vision going blurry. They were embedded with dozens of glass pieces. The pain must not have registered in my brain, because I felt numb. My eyes drifted to Edward as I struggled to remain conscious. He wasn't as successful as I was. His body was slumped against the steering wheel, blood pouring from his head. I think his head and the windshield had made violent love during our impact with the tree.
For the first time in my life, the sight of blood did nothing to upset my stomach. All I was aware of was a deep, sickening fear that the boy I had grown to care so much about, was dead.
"Edward?" I croaked, reaching to touch his shoulder. "Please don't be dead," I whispered. Fuzzily, I remembered something from first aid. The first step in any situation was always check the scene (to make sure it's safe so you don't become a victim yourself). Seeing as I was a part of the scene, I skipped that and went to check his pulse. I managed to find one and sighed in relief. I fumbled in my purse for my cell phone to call 911. I never got my hands on it.
Abruptly, someone had wrenched open my door. I jumped back, frightened. A pale woman – the same one who caused the crash – was standing there. I stared at her for a second. Then stared at the car door. Then I stared at her again, then the door.
The door was hanging from her hand precariously. Her muscles were hardly even flexed. She was smiling at me, like I was something…to eat.
I gaped unattractively in awe. She must have a spectacular good personal trainer.
"You smell delicious." The mysterious woman told me.
"Must be my deodorant. Dove." I told her dumbly.
Her blonde hair shone brightly in the moonlight, her pale features seemed ghostly. She was far more beautiful than any person I'd ever seen in my life. Edward was now second place. Not that I'm a lesbian, I only know how to evaluate good looking people. My own ego deflated at the mere gesture of seeing her.
I had no time to ask her a question, before she had come at me and hoisted me into the air. At that moment, my body decided to become very aware that it had been injured. I groaned in pain. Trees began to blur past my line of vision, we were running, flying or I was dreaming. Dreaming seemed more likely at the time. The night had been like a dream, right before it turned into a nightmare when the blonde woman showed up in the Volvo's path. She had ruined my date with Edward. I had already started to hate her, whoever she was.
Almost as swiftly as we'd taken off, we stopped in the middle of a clearing in the woods. She dumped me on the ground with no respect to the discomfort I was in. I gasped for air. At this point, my suspicions were confirmed. This lady had no intention of giving me medical treatment.
"I'll be done drinking from you before the police show up. I just need to get your body back into the car and they'll think you died from the impact. You boy toy is probably already dead – his blood was almost completely drained," the blonde said to me. She smirked. "You would've survived. Too bad you're meant to be dinner tonight."
Of all the twaddle she was driveling, I focused on one part that made absolutely no sense: drinking? What kind of sick pervert was she?
Then she grabbed my arm, pushing the glass farther into my skin. I shrieked in pain.
She bit down.
This woman was sicker than I thought.
Author's Note: Reviews help me update faster! Constructive criticism is welcome. The next many parts are written, I just need to get around to posting them.
I did draw on some real life experiences – a car crash and, I've taken first aid. Haha. So, I do relatively know what I'm talking about. Thanks for reading!