hahahahahahaha.

hell yes.

marry me, jasper. we can run away and never look back.
now where i have i been?
high school, sports, friends, and crappy coaches.

that's where.
read now plz.
(:


Summary; "Jasper, where's your accent?" He paused. "Well, Bells, that's a long story."
Pairings; n/a.
Genre; pathetic attempt at humour! (:
Rating; Teen.
Credits; ewan for helping me with a clever, yet highly stupid, story. i just rip shit off movies, he actually has brains.
Notes; ooc and after breaking dawn. randomer than shittt. hell yeah. don't expect it to make any sense. & editing on SUCKS. haha.
Disclaimer;
well, as a matter of fact, I do own jasper. :) He's hiding in my dresser drawers forever, with Chase's lab coat~ all rights reserved ©;;


Jasper, Where's Your Accent?
your black dahlia

` xo;

isabella marie cullen ;

I still hadn't become used to the concept of repeating classes. It was weird for me; I had hated high school before, and I hated it even more now. I was enjoying history, however. The problem with that was Jasper was sitting in the seat next to me, and since he loved history, everyone around him did.

"Only because you're so damn obsessed with your past," I muttered a volume that was inaudible to human ears. He smiled.

"Hell yeah, we're gonna be learning about the Civil War today. I'm stoked," He replied, looking at the clock. We had less than a minute before the class would start and Jasper would go into obsession mode.

"Have they ever realized that it was you all those years ago?" He shook his head. I found that odd; how could they not have? Your appearance didn't undergo this major change; few tweaks, but nothing like oh my god. I crossed my arms against my chest; I didn't believe him. "And why is that?"

He could feel my confusion. Smiling, he sent me a wave of calmness. Instantly, I relaxed as he explained. "It's not that hard. You may not believe it, but when I was a major, I was highly unattractive. I had horrible acne, which is why my hair is so long. It was the only way I could hide it. My eyes were always squinted, because my eyesight was bad. Not to mention that the fad at that time was beards, and I was growing one. Before you ask, I shaved it off a couple of years after turning into a vampire. Can you believe I was so ugly?" His voice was joking at the last sentence. We had gotten close over the years.

"You? Ugly? It breaks my heart to imagine something like that," I said with a melodramatic tone. The bell rang, and Jasper waited anxiously for class to start as the teacher stepped in.

It was the same thing I had heard over and over. Everytime a question was asked, Jasper would raise his hand like a little school girl. He could recite everything; he had lived through those years, after all. The teacher seemed pleased that someone knew at least something about the war that happened over two hundred years ago. The first topic that the teacher had started with was Officers of the South. Jasper was pleased. Hell, even Edward, who was in Advanced German, could feel it – all the way at the other end of the building.

"Now, there was one who stood out – Major Jasper Whitlock." The confederate next to me smiled as he looked at his book; he loved it when people talked about his 'glory days'. I looked over at what he was drawing and tried not to laugh. It was an old version of Jasper, with his 'dashing good looks' and his ownage in the military; all comic style.* I hadn't seen him use that since Emmett demanded he take art class with him.

"Jasper Whitlock was incredibly good within the military. Nobody exactly knows why, but he rose through the ranks quickly. At the time he was a major, he was only twenty years old. At that time, nobody knew – nobody bothered to look back. But by orders of the president, they had to find out everything about the higher ranking officers." Jasper's smile faded and I smirked. Alice had seen this coming and kept it from him, at Emmett's request.

I've got the gift of one liners and you've got the gift of curves …

Oh dear, Emmett was asking for it later on tonight. He knew not to mess with Jasper when he was re-learning about the Civil War. Thankfully, the phone was on silent. Jasper growled at the vampire volume. Tonight would be interesting. Nessie loved to bet with Jacob and Edward on who would win these fights. It had become sort of a family tradition.

"But, after the battle of Galveston, he went M.I.A. From the journal of a fellow comrade of his, it was said that he was getting everyone out of there and was never seen again. To be honest, most of the Majors in that time went missing – what a shocker, they were all from Texas."

"Bastard." Of course the teacher made a comment about people from Texas. They always did. One of the boys, a name I didn't know, raised his hand. The teacher called on him.

"Is that supposed to be making fun of all from Texas, ma'am?" His voice was laced heavily with a Southern accent and it dawned on me who it was. It was Chase Bauer, who was like Jasper in many ways … minus the vampire-ness.

That's when he dawned on me.

Why didn't Jasper have an accent? Carlisle still did, even after four hundred years of living; so why didn't he?

I would have to ask him later.

`` later that night .

With my homework done, I had ignored Emmett's plea to watch the Bears game. To be honest, I was more of a Packers fan. Emmett liked the Bears for one reason and one reason only; the word Bears. I rolled my eyes at his request and made a deal with him. When the Packers played them, then I'd watch. He grinned and said okay.

For now, I had a mission – and that mission was to ask Jasper where his accent went. He had returned from a hunting trip with Alice about an hour ago, so it was the perfect time to ask him. Alice was chatting with Edward about their German teacher, who, according to Edward, was lusting after Alice. There was no doubt that Alice had seen what I was planning on doing; it's not like I was going to kill him, so she wouldn't stop me.

"It changes everytime, Bella." So he changed his story. Lovely.

With the speed slightly faster than a human, I walked up to their room. It had been awhile since I had been in there; the last time had been a couple of months ago when I really needed a blue shirt and somehow, didn't have the 'right' one. It hadn't changed … much. The bed had been rearranged so it looked out the window, not toward the door. It was crazy how sensitive my hearing was; I had been outside, getting ready to get into the car, when I heard them rearranging the bed.

I opened the door, and what I saw shocked me. Of course, it was Jasper, but he was dancing to the song "Don't Trust Me" by 3OH!3 … and singing along with it. Actually, he sounded like the lead singer … could it be? Him and Emmett? After the little fiasco with the subway*, it wouldn't shock me the slightest if it was. Their get rich quick scheme, as they called it.

"Jasper?" At vampire speed, he turned down the music. Surely, it must have heard me coming – even with the music blasted that loud, it wasn't hard not too. His face became very relaxed, as did I as he sat down. I moved into the room and shut the door behind me – but what was the point? Everyone could hear us.

"Yes, Bells?" I hated it when he called me that. I called him Jazz one time, seeing that it pissed him off when people other than Alice called him that. Ever since then, he's been calling me Bells at random points.

"Where's your accent?" He paused.

"Well, Bells, that's quite a bit of a long story." His face was thoughtful, but I was sure that I could see him holding back on a smile. Would Alice be right about the fact that his story changed many times? She had never been … wrong, just mislead. I trusted her, but I hoped she was wrong about this.

"I've got all day … and night, Jazzy." I crossed my arms against my chest, letting him fully know that I wanted the story. I was sure he was wondering why I was asking him now, out of all the people. I heard Edward snicker downstairs; yeah, I was right. "It was because of that kid, Chase Bauer. He has an accent, and his from Texas, but you don't. Why?"

"Hmmm." He was obviously faking his pondering; I knew him inside and out. "Well, you see, I was an actor. For my first couple of years, it was pretty … well, let's say personal. I have no need to explain more than that, but I did receive vast amounts of money. I tried out for a movie and made it, but I had requirements for it. I had to live on an island, completely uninhabited! They later called it Alaska, but somewhere called … Juneau? I think, but who cares. I visit Fairbanks to see Garrett, so we can talk about war, but not Juneau. Anyways, it was on a buffalo ranch for some reason; I loved it, being southern and all that shit. But they wanted to get rid of my accent, so I worked for days and days, against my will, and perfected my now perfect English. Does that answer your question, Bella?"

I frowned at him. He was flashing a brilliant smile at me, but I had a feeling that he was lying.

"Is that the real story?"

He shrugged. "Only if you think it is."

"I'm being serious."

"I am too. Your point is?" His whole tone was completely serious now, as I felt my mood change. I hated it when he did that, but sometimes, he couldn't control it as it bounced off him and into everyone else. I decided to sit down, trying to think of something else to ask him that would, maybe, really tell me the answer. I found nothing. Instead, for twenty six seconds, I listened to Renesmee and Jacob chatter upstairs, which I was sure Edward was tense about. Alice and Edward were still engulfed about their teacher, Emmett was watching the Bears, Rosalie was doing her hair, Esme was cooking something for Renesmee, who was at least attempting to eat human food, and Carlisle was still at the hospital.

"What else are you hiding from me?" Once again, his face went into a pondering mode.

"Well, I'm gay. I fell in love with you a couple of years ago. I'm a convicted child molester in ten different states. I've had feelings for Edward, Emmett, and Carlisle. Aro is really my lover, but don't tell Alice. Emmett and I are the singers from 3OH!3. I was the one that gave Emmett the clever idea of putting jizz in your sandwich*. I killed a kid with black hair because he was a poser. I've done meth. I've done any drug you can imagine. I fucked Maria. I'm really racist on the inside. I was the one that messed with Carlisle's seasons of ER. I'm really Chad Kroeger, and the lead singer of The Spill Canvas. I smash guitars and I enjoy eating them. Your mother and I were lovers in her past life. I've eaten the world deadliest spider before. I'm really Jesse Spencer, the Australian from House. I've kissed Hugh Laurie. I've ditched Jennifer Morrison at the altar. I was the one who created computers. I made up the word 'loser'. I've had affairs; but I've never been caught. I was the one who created the Sims. I was the first man on the moon. I won the marathon in New York City last week. I never really fought newborns; I just made it all up. I'm that troll you see on your myspace. Hell, I have a myspace with six thousand friends. I'm a scene kid on myspace. I join RP sites for the hell of it and make characters based off my former life and all of you guys. And lastly, I wrote a book called Twilight, which is basically yours and Edward's story under the name Stephenie Meyer."

I heard Emmett, Renesmee, and Jacob's laughter from downstairs. Once again, I could tell that he was lying to me.

"Jasper, I'm being serious." His smile flattened. "What part of that is true, anyways?"

He shrugged yet again. "Half of it. You just gotta tell me which half." He could feel my frustration and he was … smiling?! I just wanted a simple story. Why did he have to be such an ass about it? Ugh. Men will be men.

"Aw, Bells, don't get that way. You know I love you and that I'm teasing. But I'm also not kidding about my story about my accent; it's true. Just go look it up. And some of what I said is true! I just don't want to tell you what is." I rolled my eyes as his smile grew wider.

"You're gonna look up my awesome past life?"

"You bet I am."

As I turned to leave, I heard him grab his laptop – of course he'd be editing wikipedia. "I swear to god, I am not editing wikipedia."

"Liar."

"Look it up! I swear!"

And so I did. Typing at my vampire speed, I clicked on wikipedia … and saw that he was right. Everything that he had told me about his story, all in depth, was posted right there in front of my eyes. He didn't lie to me! But Alice said his story always changed; apparently, only she knew the real reason as to where it went. That's when it hit me; of course. I felt like a dumb blonde as I thought about it. Why didn't it hit me before? It was so obvious.

"You had Alice make this a couple of minutes ago, didn't you?"

"Damn right I did."

` end .


* shockingly, I will actually have a picture of that. haha. I drew it in history today. I'll post the link once I have it up. (:
* refer to my story . would you like fries with that?
*see above.