The Horse at the Waves If you go down at the beach you can often see the horse that comes down to play with the waves. It follows a swaying motion, a longing movement, chasing after the withdrawing wave to playfully jump back when the wave returns, as if it is trying to seduce the water, or whatever lies in it, to chase after it, outside, on the golden sand. And it is a pained game, one would say, it reminded me of you, strange thing that I would think of something like this. Yes. The horse and the sea. I and you. Ain't it strange? I believed that it was time I could let go of it but it appears that I've been wrong.
If you could listen to my thoughts back then, or even now, you would laugh. I am sure that you would find them naive and laugh. I never mattered much, so why would you be scared of hurting my pride by laughing at what I'm thinking? And still... I can't help but think of those things. Think of you. And while one would expect that the thing that would remind me of you would be the empty bed at night and the color of the moon in its striking shades of bone colored alabaster, it is not. The sea in the afternoon reminds me the most of you. When the sun is sinking in the silver waving in the horizon line it is your image that always comes to mind. Your image and mine, sinking gently into your arms, no matter that I knew I would be hurt way and over again.
I was the horse and you were the sea. The vast, cold, emotionless sea... You played with me, with promises of love that were never true. You teased me. Like the waves, tricking the horse that will follow it only to withdraw the next moment, leaving a hole in the place where someone's heart resides, leaving a hole and a throbbing pain from being abused too much, feeling used too much, being stripped, undone and thrown aside like an empty tin can of beer one too many times.
I called you last night. Not sure what I wanted to say. Maybe I just wanted to hear your voice, maybe, like the horse I just returned to the waves to play, even though it is a game I can never win, because the sea is a bit too vast and too cold and it can never come on land the way the horse wants it to. Then I look back and think and I'm sure that there were so much more there, in those moments, than the pain and deceit of defeat. If there was nothing I wouldn't return, that was the bait, and saddly I was lured by it.
I told you I wanted to see you, I tried to call on you, seduce you, make you follow me just this once. Why? It's just a feeling from the past... isn't that so? Who am I trying to fool...? You know I loved you. I know you never loved me. But I loved you. As a matter of fact there's still that part of me that loves you.
It is the strongest of feelings. It is rare, sacred... To be able to love with all that you are somebody just for the who he is, without boundaries, without rules even if you don't know everything about the other. And the way he changes, on his own, you still love him. Wether he leaves or if he's close, wether he walks away or not, you still love him, still love him.
You don't love because you're loved, nor do you weigh how much the one person loves you and how much the other does, I didn't. There's no selfishness, personal benefit, bitterness or slavery in love, you should have known. Love is not a race of who is going to be left alone in the end... It is a miracle only little people can bear... True love gives birth to itself. You can't order love like you order food when you're hungry, you don't cook it and you don't throw it away because you're full. You don't love because you need to, you don't love in the way you drink water to quench your thirst and then forget about the glass, the bottle and the water... Maybe one loves without a reason after all. And what we see every day all around us is not love most of the times. It is peoples' weakness to bear ourselves alone in life and the need to burden ourselves on somebody else -in exchange of their own life.
Love is not the presence and is not the absence. It doesn't get lost by distance and it doesn't grow stronger when there is closeness. And even if we got lost on our way, love never gets lost, even when people lose one another.
Human weaknesses can't stand up to love because love makes you strong, it makes you free. Whoever can live in love without compromise and self-deceit is free. They doesn't say "I love you" because they are afraid of being alone. They do not use "I love you" as a gun against loneliness. When love is true it is eternal. Even if the other never believed and even if they didn't want to know the harsh times in life and even if they were there for you even less than the common stranger, you don't love someone for what they give you but for what they are. Even if they're unfair with you, even if they're harsh, even if they look down on you, even if they hurt you, you love someone without judging them. And when a problem arises, you don't judge them, it's just time to go back and revise. You don't break, you don't detroy, just revise.
Yes... it is you for whom I'm talking... and if you could hear my thoughts you would laugh, I know you would laugh. I see the horse still playing on the water's edge, the waves' foam still teasing it, still laughing at it, because the horse isn't a coward like I am, the horse loves the sea, or whatever lies in it, and it will say that, express those feelings I had never opennly expressed.
I see you walking down the beach, it is the sunset. I smile at you as you come closer. You smile and shrug. "Hello." you will say. "You said to meet." I will only nod my head as I can't do much more, as I can't say much more since my voice will be caught in my throat at the knowledge of my thoughts and your only so apparent oblivion to them. I would like to say "I missed you." and run in your arms other than sit here and wear this vacant smile. I need to be yours, but a horse can't live in the sea, it can't breathe underwater like a seahorse does.
"Hello." you say "You said to meet." I nod my head as I predicted I would do and shiver. Predicting the things that will happen is harsh when you want everything to go differently than what you predicted. "Squalo..." my voice gets caught in my throat, I feel like drowning. I want to speak but I can't. I don't want to live in a lie. The horse can never love the sea, or the creatures that lie in it. You come closer, place a hand on my head. "I missed you." you say and lean in to place a kiss on the top of my head. Was I that apparent yesterday when I called you? Or are you still teasing me like the sea does to the horse? You sit down and I lean on your shoulder, you don't push me away. I have nothing to say, but the silence isn't awkward. I glance away at the horse by the waves, it's hooves tap the sand lightly, making no sound, it runs along the water that it so loves. Yes. The horse and the sea. I and you. Ain't it strange? I believed that it was time I could let go of it but I was wrong, becasue I loved you. And once you love once, you always love, becasue true love is eternal.
I try to speak your name again but my voice gets caught in my throat for another time. After a moment I am able to straighten up and clear my throat. "Squalo... I missed you. Missed you too." I manage to say. You smile and curl an arm around me, almost protectively and pull me in. For a moment I flinch as if you're going to hit me. I'm too used to it, I can't throw that instict away. It was you, it was others... maybe I was abused too much, felt used too much, being stripped, undone and thrown aside like an empty tin can of beer one too many times in the past... But now you hold me, you don't seem like you would do any harm to me and like a child, as if I had just grown younger by ten years, I seek your lips for a kiss.
And you won't push me away, and I want to cry and I want to laugh, for being an idiot and from being relieved. I used to look at the sea in the afternoon and it would remind myself of you. The horizon line coated in pure silver, like your hair and the sun, the blond of my own hair, sinking into it. And today, while the sun was sinking into the sea, I sunk gently inside your arms, no more afraid of getting hurt. Human weaknesses can't stand up to love. Love makes you strong, it makes you free...