A/N: My first one-shot.

Warning: Mayor Rodney angst. Be prepared! :)

EDITED: 20/09/2009

Nothing mayor, just a few little things that bothered me when I reread it. It's mainly still the same.

"Ignorance is the mind that knows, Honoring past experience without experiencing the moment."

-Joseph Wardy-

Rodney McKay had been a content man before he came to Atlantis.

He had been a man consistent with his life. A man with a purpose. A man that honestly liked himself the way he was.

Now he was a man with regrets. Lots of them.

He was confused, ocassionally insecure but above all, he was mad. Mad at himself and mad at the people that were to blame for this new variable in his life.

At Sheppard and his cocky grin when he'd asked him to join his team. Not ordered because it was a necessity, but asked because he honestly wanted it. Because he honestly wanted to spend time with Rodney.

At Teyla and the candles she would place in front of his quarters from time to time. Candles that were supposed to help you relax. Candles that always appeared after a particular bad mission, although he had never bothered to properly thank her for them.

At Ronon and his sparring sessions of doom he forced on the scientist. Always demanding but never expecting more Rodney was able to give. Not doing this because he liked to torture him, but because he wanted him to be able to defend himself in the field.

At Elizabeth and her trust in his abilities in times of a crisis.

Mad at Carson and his exasperated smile everytime he saw Rodney walk into his infirmary - but never sending him away either - and at all the other people here that had shown him that he wasn't worthless. That he wasn't unbearable to be around.

He was mad at every single one of them, but at the same time loved them more than he had ever thought possible.

Mad at them for showing him the truth and loving them for it. Mad at them for trusting him and loving them for it. But above all he was mad at them for showing him how to be mad again and how to love again.

For pulling him out of his indifference.

Since Rodney McKay lived in Atlantis, he was a troubled man, always asking himself questions he would have never wondered about before. Since coming to Atlantis he was thinking almost constantly about the years he had lost. About the people who had made him who he was.

He had at one point even wondered, if his attitude wasn't a consequence of people hurting him in the past, but the means to prevent something like that happening in the future.

He had never wondered about those things before. Had never questioned if maybe, just maybe, nothing that had happened had been his fault after all. That, maybe, he had done nothing wrong to deserve the life he had lived until then.

That there was nothing wrong with him.

That, with the right people by his side, it could have been different.

That it could have been like now, with the right people by his side.

Maybe he hadn't been the disturbing factor, after all. Maybe it had been the others...

Until he'd come to Atlantis, that idea had never even crossed his mind. He'd always thought that he'd managed to live his life to the best extent he could, considering that he just wasn't meant to have more. He had been content with his choices, with his seclusion. He had, after all, never been a man that hoped for things that wouldn't happen to him anyway. So he had never even tried.

The lessons life had teached him had been hard and sometimes even cruel, but he had gotten them quickly. Had never questioned them. Had never dared to. Never had a reason to.

Until he had found friends.

Until he had found a family.

Until he had come to Atlantis.

Until all that, Rodney McKay had been a content man.

And he didn't know if he could handle being a happy man now.


A/N: Like it? Hate it? Let me know!