DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Christmas or Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for some sexual content, violence and language. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!
WARNING: WILL CONTAIN IMPLIED SLASH (male on male), and AU-ness and HORRIFYING OLD LADY COME-ONS!!! Ye be warned
Author's Note: this is letter U on my quest to fan fiction-ing the entire alphabet (by which I mean having a fic that starts with every letter). Don't ask why, I'm just weird that way. Now this is AU, as I REFUSE to believe Sirius Black died, so let's just assume this takes place sometime in book six, shall we? Anyhooters (heh, hooters are fun in every way…) here is my delish little plot bunny, and I hope you like it, 'cause writing it was a blast. 'I fly like paper, get high like planes…' Cheers!
Remus Lupin felt the corners of his mouth tug downward as he spotted Dolores Umbridge, former headmistress of Hogwarts and Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and by far the most hate-able woman ever to walk through those great oaken front doors.
He'd decided to go out just for some fresh air (though he'd told his lover, who was house bound, it was for groceries), and was currently standing in Diagon Alley, trying to find some normal-looking potatoes. Then he'd gone and spotted the toad-like Ministry witch and his light mood had turned sour.
If there was one person he hated more in the world than Fenrir Greyback or Voldemort, it had to be that woman. It was her fault he couldn't get a job even vaguely related to the magical world and was forced to live off his lover's sizeable inheritance (which said lover never complained about). It was also her fault that Voldemort had come to power as rapidly and efficiently as he had; because of her and ex-Minister Fudge's idiocy, the Dark Lord had gained power and his most faithful servants last year, and he'd almost lost one of the few things that held him intact with sanity.
The lycan was just about to go about his business, when the squat little witch looked over at him, catching his gaze, and smiled in that horrid way. Remus looked down at the display of books he'd somehow wandered over to in front of Flourish and Blotts (Merlin, he was addicted!) and turned to get on with his shopping, only to come face-to-chest with Umbridge. "Sorry," he said quietly, his lips hardly moving, and made to dodge past her.
She put out her arm however, and Remus straightened slowly. "I couldn't help but notice," she said in that girlish whisper that made him want to choke her to death with something frilly, "that you were watching me over there."
"Yeah, well…" Remus said shrugging, and made to get past her again, but again, she blocked him.
"I must say, I was rather surprised and…delighted that you had taken an interest," she said silkily and Remus felt goose bumps of horror shiver over his arms and back. "Because I myself had spotted you."
"Really?" said Remus, eyes narrowing suspiciously. He could not tell how the woman couldn't sense the waves of pure hatred that radiated off of him or that his cool tone meant he wanted her to go away. Now.
"Indeed." Umbridge smiled in that eerie way she had, and let a teasing finger slid down Remus' chest. "I think you should ask me for a drink."
"A drink?" Remus said incredulously. He'd had to swallow back his nausea as she touched him and he was sure this woman was fucking nuts and obviously didn't know who he was. He opened his mouth to tell her what she could drink, but then thought of his lover at home, knowing that he deserved a tale to liven up his days. Remus would give something to make the other man laugh; he'd play along with Umbridge. His gape of horror turned into a smile. "Why Dolores; may I call you Dolores? That would be just lovely. Care to come and have a drink with me?"
The woman, had she been a dog (which wasn't really that far off now Remus thought on it…) would've wagged her tail and barked happily. "Why I would adore a drink!" Umbridge trilled. She didn't think to ask Remus' name and he didn't offer it forward.
So the pair, Remus having to whip out his very best acting skills to keep from bursting out laughing or vomiting, headed to the nearest pub, where they had not just one drink, but several, and before long, Umbridge was delightfully tipsy. She had done most of the talking, but now she stared, admittedly a little drunkenly, at the lycan with unadulterated lust in her eyes. "So, shall we, perhaps, head to your abode? Maybe have another few rounds?" The woman smiled with her sharp little fangs showing and looked greedily over Remus' shirted torso, and actually winked. "Though drinking is optional."
Somehow, Remus managed to take a dignified sip of his drink and then proceeded to be shocked. "Why Dolores! I don't think we could do that," he whispered.
"Why ever not, dear?" she whispered back.
"Well for one, you have your reputation to uphold, don't you? And for another, I don't think my boyfriend would be very accommodating."
"Your…b-boyfriend?" Umbridge said slowly, confused.
"Oh no! Don't tell me you…oh dear," he chuckled in a horribly accurate imitation of Dolores' own girlish giggle. "This happens all too often. Yes, I'm gay you see. Gay as a maypole!"
Umbridge, who had been gaping, shut her mouth with a light snap. She rose from the table swiftly, tilting dangerously to one side before righting herself. "What is your name?" she demanded, her sweet demeanor gone.
"My name?" Remus asked, standing also. "Oh, how very rude of me not to introduce myself, especially since we both used to have the same job." Umbridge looked confused as she stared at Remus' hand, but before she could riddle out what he'd said, Remus stated rather coldly and softly, "Remus Lupin, former DADA teacher."
Umbridge looked as though she'd been slapped, her pouchy face slack in her horror. Remus could hardly contain his laughter, and in a wavering voice, said, "Dolores Umbridge, you've just tried to have sex with a werewolf." And leaving her to pay the tab, he exited the pub, no longer able to hold back his laughter.
He was still giggling feebly some ten minutes later as he strode down the stairs to number twelve Grimmauld Place's kitchen. "What are you laughing at?" snapped Sirius from beside the fire. "You told me you'd be back ages ago!"
Remus merely smiled and tugged his lover up from his chair. "Come here and kiss me, I've something of the best caliber to tell you."
"What?" Sirius asked grumpily, kissing his boyfriend dutifully and frowning. "Have you been drinking without me?"
"Yes, but come upstairs so I can tell you the whole story." Sirius, still in a sullen mood at being at home all day without his Mooney to pester and keep him company, followed his lover up the stairs, until they lay together in his bed on the topmost floor. Remus finally spilled the story, through much renewed laughter, and simply seeing his longtime friend and love so happy made him smile.
"And…and then," Remus gasped, "I just said 'Dolores Umbridge, you've just tried to have sex with a werewolf'!" He burst into renewed laughter and Sirius found himself chuckling as well. "And oh Merlin, Pads, I wished you were there so you could've seen the look on her face…"
Sirius laughed and hugged Remus close to himself. "Oh God Mooney, you are too much. Not to mention a naughty tease." Somehow their lips and met and the next thing Remus knew, Sirius was on top of him, steadily undressing him and snogging him senseless.
They parted for air and Sirius dipped his head to lick the lycan's pulse point and Remus groaned, "Not for you Sirius…never a tease for you…only for Umbridge."
Author's Note: so there we are. Did we like-y? Hee hee hee, I love Remus… review and tell me what you thought! Cheers.
PS. – I just found a mistake in my copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix book!! Page 151, it says, and I quote, on line 15: '…Harry heard the door close but remained bent double, listening…' And then, quoting again, on lines 20-21: 'Harry hurried across the room, closed the door, then returned slowly to his bed and sank onto it…' HOW CAN HE CLOSE THE DOOR IF IT'S ALREADY CLOSED!?!?