Chapter 45

Sam leaned against the motel window, staring blankly at nothing, his mind running a mile a minute. After he had left Dr. Morgan's house he had gone back to Bobby's and grabbed his things. He had thrown out some feeble excuse to the older hunter that he needed to get away and hunt for a few days, just to take his mind off of what was happening to Dean.

If only that was the reason he needed to get away.

If only hunting would fix everything.

He closed his eyes as he remembered last night. Remembered Ruby showing up at the motel. Remembered how incredible the demon blood tasted as the liquid passed over his tongue and flowed down his throat. Remembered how the power swelled inside of him. How nothing else mattered in those moments of pure ecstasy…

He shook his head as tears threatened to escape his eyes. And yet here he was, the morning after, and he didn't feel so powerful anymore. Sure, he knew he now had the strength to destroy any demons that were to show up. But the comfort that thought had been bringing him throughout the last year had dissipated.

God, what was he doing?

Now his head was clear. He was no longer struggling with the withdrawal symptoms, but he also wasn't feeling the euphoric high of last night. And the clarity made him sick to his stomach.

It had all seemed so simple in the beginning. Build up his powers, drink the blood in order to do that, and kill Lillith. Get his revenge for what she did to Dean. And, when Dean returned and it was clear just how much he was suffering, the desire for revenge became even stronger. Kill Lillith, fix Dean.

It had been so simple. So clear. It seemed logical.

But now… now Sam was faced with the stark reality of what he was doing to himself thanks to what he had witnessed with Dean. And suddenly everything wasn't as clear cut as it had seemed before. What Dean had gone through with withdrawals had just been from alcohol. Of course, he also was trying to deal with what had happened to him in Hell. But still… what did that mean for Sam? How much worse would withdrawals be for him?

Because that day would come. Eventually Lillith would be dead. Ruby wouldn't be around forever and it wasn't like any random demon would let Sam chug their demon blood when they would just be ganked by him later. So he would have to quit. And God only knows what that would do to him.

And it was terrifying.

Sam could hear Ruby in the bathroom taking a shower. She had taken to doing things, like showering and putting on makeup, to be more "human." And, to some extent, she had succeeded. Sometimes there were mundane tasks that they would each complete that were so "human"… so normal that Sam would almost forget that she was a demon.

But not anymore.

He had to do something. He didn't want to accept what that something was, but he knew he couldn't keep going down this path. And then he thought about what Dr. Morgan had said. How calm he had been. How he didn't judge Sam for what he had down.

Knowing he had some times before Ruby would be done in the bathroom am grabbed his cell phone. With trembling hands he managed to dial the doctor's number and hit Send.


Sam felt a lump in his throat and could barely manage to speak.

"H-hello… Dr. Morgan? This… this is Sam… Sam Winchester."

"Well, hello, Sam. It's good to hear from you."

"Doctor… I… I don't know what to do…"

Immediately the doctor's tone changed.

"Sam? Are you alright? Tell me what's wrong."

Sam swallowed hard and rubbed his hand over his face."

"I… I've been thinking about what you said… about how… how I need to make my own decisions… about… about Ruby… and… and the blood and everything…"

Sam cleared his throat and shot a glance at the bathroom before continuing.

"I did it for Dean, Doc… all of it… I did it first to save Dean from Hell… and now it's been… I just want to fix him… you know? I want Lillith dead… I want her dead because of what she did to Dean… and I want her dead… I just want her dead because… because maybe… maybe it would fix him… you know? Maybe if he knew she wasn't still out there… maybe then he would get better…"

The tears he had struggled to keep back wear now trickling down his face. He clutched his phone like it was a life preserver and the only thing keeping him alive.

"Please… Doc… please… I'm scared… I'm scared as hell right now… I know… I know this is wrong… I know dealing with demons and trusting demons is stupid as hell… I just… I just don't know what else to do… and usually Dean can help me… he always has before… he always knew another way… but… God… he can't help me… and I'm scared that… that I've really screwed everything up this time… that this… this can't be fixed…

"I know this might kill me… hell, I know this is going to kill me… whether it's downing too much demon blood… or trying to screw with a demon that's more than I can take… and… and I don't care if I die… I was dead before… I'm only here now because Dean sacrificed himself for me…"

Sam heard the shower shut off and he knew that he didn't have much time. He had to hurry.

"I need to just know one thing… I need you to answer something for me, Doc… please… please be honest with me…"

"Of course, Sam," Dr. Morgan replied quietly. "I will answer you as best I can."

"Lillith… she was the cause of all this… and… and I need to know… will killing her fix Dean? If she's gone… would that make Dean better…?"

He heard Dr. Morgan take a deep breath.

"Sam… Dean's problem is very complex and there are multiple issues he is working through-"

"Yes or no, Dr. Morgan," Sam interjected, his heart hammering in his chest. "If I kill Lillith will it make Dean better?"

There was a pause before Dr. Morgan spoke again.

"It may provide some initial comfort for him to know she is no longer a threat to him, no, it's not a solution that would fully cure him. I'm sorry, Sam."

Sam felt like someone had punched him in the gut. He leaned against the cool window pane, struggling to calm his mind and to focus. He could hear Dr. Morgan trying to talk to him, although he sounded a million miles away.

"Sam? Sam? Talk to me, Sam. Stay with me, OK?"

And then, for the first time in what felt like forever, everything came into focus. The fear was replaced with a strange calmness. In the background he could hear Ruby getting ready to come out of the bathroom.

"Thank you, Dr. Morgan," Sam said, his voice unusually calm and quiet. "That cleared up everything for me. I know what I need to do now."

"Sam? What do you mean by that? Sam!"

Sam hung up the phone as Ruby opened the bathroom door. Yes, he knew exactly what he needed to do. And, for once, he wasn't afraid to do it.

Hope y'all don't mind a more Sam-centered chapter! Thanks to a very touching and inspiring review by dupreewith2es I finally broke through the writer's block I've been plagued with. I hope all of you continue to enjoy the story and thank you all again for all your loyal support! It means the world to me!