By Darkman
Rating: G
Category: Romance, Short Story
Time/Spoilers: Some spoilers. Takes place after Fractures but before the last four episodes
Summary: Aeryn is having trouble sleeping.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, didn't create them, and certainly don't profit from them. Wish I did or had. I promise that I'll put them back where I found them.

What the frell is wrong with me?

There has never been a time when I couldn't sleep. I remember when I used to fall asleep almost instantly. I woke up refreshed, rested, and ready for any mission my Peacekeeper commanders could devise.

I never had time for deep thinking. A warrior has no time for that kind of dren. I fight and kill or I die. I trained constantly to avoid the latter and achieve the former. My trainers would spit on me if they saw me now. I'll never forget their lessons about keeping battle-ready by resting, eating, and drinking whenever you could.
Of course, that was B.C. (Before Crichton).

How could you leave me here alone?

I have never felt so empty. I can't believe how much this hurts. Nothing makes it better, not even the Other. He reminds me of the happiness I had. I can never get that back. Crichton! What we had on Talyn was too good. We were an unbeatable team. I even was sure I could go to Earth and be accepted or at least undiscovered. What a fool I was. Our time on Talyn was a dream, a figment, something that should have never been. I know we saved each other's lives countless times, but how did that grow into this?

How did I let an 'inferior' being steal my heart? How did you do it, Crichton? How?

I don't want remember, but I can't forget the little things. I remember how I felt when I saw you kissing Gilina. I was jealous! Imagine me, a Peacekeeper, feeling that. Your kind tone when you explained about 'clicking' and the shock and surprise on your face when I told you I found you 'interesting' was priceless. I remember that more than the jealousy.

I keep seeing all these pictures: your 'promise' to keep the living death from me when the Drak formed their hive, your gentleness as you washed the DRD 'super glue' from my hand after I wanted to kill you when you left me stuck to Moya's deck, your delight after I figured out why Rygel's bodily secretions became explosive, your compliments when I discovered a way to communicate when Moya was trapped in three dimensions, your promise to never leave me, our kiss in the Flax, our night on the false Earth, and your stupid Earth (see, I said it right) sayings.

Here I go crying again. Frell you, Crichton! I can't take this. Good move, Aeryn. Hitting the wall will really help. How do I turn off my mind?

I remember your smile. I can still see you exploring my body when your mind was in my head after the Halosian attack. I can see you chewing your thumb and grinning. I can never forget your 'idiotic' plans and how they seemed to always work. I can still feel you holding me as I cried for past misdeeds and my mother's death. I can still feel your hand stroking my face and hear you telling me that I wasn't going to die when my paraphoral nerve was damaged. I remember our disagreement about how to rescue Rygel from the Tavleks. I still hear your surprised tone when you realized I had hit you with a pantak jab. There is so much more.

I need to splash water on my face. I have to squeeze these thoughts out of my head. I can't believe I'm so weak. I can see a smiley face constructed of food cubes. I remember your bravado in the face of Vorcarian blood trackers. I remember never saying goodbye. I remember your stubborn loyalty, our compatibility test, and your sacrifice for your, no our, friends over and over. I was so angry and disappointed when you decided to marry Katralla. I was so afraid I would never see you again. And then, you had to die.

Stop! Stop it!! When did I grab this towel?

My fingers are numb. This can't go on. I have to face the Other and tell him that what happened on Talyn has changed me. I will go with him to face Scorpius, but I can never allow myself to love him again. Even that scares me. That is existence, but is it living? Right here and right now, existence is all I want. I can remember the cold emanating from the cryo-chambers and your soft voice saying, "This is exactly where you should be. I love you."

I think I can sleep now.

She never realized John was looking in on her. He noticed she was smiling in her sleep.