Okay. I'm sorry.

That's really all I can say, since an apology over the internet goes so far. I'm sure I've lost a ton of readers, but I really hope you guys can pick this story back up.

Over my hiatus (which was due to school... again -- but I'm on my summer now, so I have absolutely no excuse to not update, and I fully endorse harassing me with messages to update if I'm falling behind!), I kind of changed the plot for this story. It's still going to be rude, crude and a little out of control... but I managed to kind of rope it in and actually get the plot to go somewhere.

Don't mind the ending of this chapter, by the way. It sounds almost like the end of the story, but it's not. It's just the ending of the former plot and the beginning of the new one -- which, as I said, has only been tweaked a bit.

I'm sorry it's been almost three months, again. I updated my other story last night too, for anyone that's following that little budding story, as well.

Again, can't apologize enough, darlings. I also really find the people who have found this story in the meantime (like, within the three months) amazing. There was one week when the story alerts and such just came pouring into my inbox and I was honestly like "how the hell are y'all finding this!?"

So, to my 236 Fierce bitches, I salute you.

Disclaimer: I gotta feeling, wooo hoo... that I don't own Twilight, that I don't own Twilight.


As the bowls and joints were being passed around, I made a list of things that Jasper could never be when he graduated:

A private investigator.

A robber.

A murderer.

And, of course, just a criminal in general.

Why, one might ask?

Oh, maybe because you need to be a certain level of stealth when you are in one of those professions. Yeah, yeah, I know that "the profession of crime" doesn't actually exist... but for this sole purpose, it does.

I smacked Jasper's hand away from my knee and laughed it off as if he had told the most hilarious joke – though, that probably made me look like an idiot.

"Ah, ah, ah! No touch, Jasp. No touch," I laughed, patting his hand and giving him a stealthy death glare – hoping he would learn a thing or two from my expertise.

"Yes, Jasper," Alice chimed, her voice a little higher than usual, "Stop."

Sexually-frustrated raccoon strikes again, I see.

Alice leaned back onto her elbows and shook out her pixie-like bob hair and sighed deeply. Shit, just staring at her made my heart break into a million little pieces. She had confided so much in me and I went off and... well, for lack of a better term, screwed her over. Sure, she doesn't know the little details, but it's Alice. I haven't even known her that long and I already know that she's got the intuition of that psychic that Montel always used to bring on his show. Sylvia Brown or some shit.

Meaning, yeah, she was basically never right about anything she predicted – but it didn't stop the little pixie from loathing you with a vengeance if she had a hunch about any funny business.

I decided I needed to do some major damage control if any of this shit was going to be sorted out in secrecy.

"Oh, fuck!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands in the air dramatically and turning towards Fierce Bitch #1, "Whitlock... did you remember to bring... that thing?"

He eyed me curiously.

"Oh, psh, you know that thing I'm talking about. The name escapes me... come on, remind me!" I said, snapping my fingers, "OH! Yes, the uh... flavoured bong water?"

"What the fuck, Bella? We don't—,"

"We've got some upstairs in the kitchen, actually. Strawberry! It's fucking ahhhh-mazing," Emmett cut in.

"Great. Fabulous. More than fabulous. I'll go grab it," I squealed, getting up from the couch and giving Jasper my last attempt at a 'You better follow me right now, Mister' look.

Luckily, he caught on. Finally.

"Oh, well, you know what? I've got the munchies anyway, so I'll come and grab some food," he lied robotically.

I all but ran out of the little portal of weed and flew up to the kitchen, panting and a little angry. I turned and waited for Jasper to strut on in before I unleashed my death glare and tapped my foot with a vengeance.

He glanced down at my foot, and back up to my eyes, "Fuck. Okay, what did I do now?"

"What the fuck do you think you did?! Okay, to be fair, I did it too – but Whitlock, that was such a bad fucking mistake on our parts...," I whined angrily.

Jasper leaned against the marble island in the centre of the room and shrugged his shoulders.

"Are you serious, Jasp?! You don't regret it at all?"

"Why live life with regrets, darlin'," he mumbled.

"Oh cut the crap. Everyone regrets things. People who say they don't regret anything are probably the ones who are trying to forget their past the most. The ones who wish they could change everything," I exclaimed, "so, if I'm right – that means that you're probably mentally sacking yourself for sleeping with me this afternoon. Am I right?"

I glared at Jasper after my interrogation – no good cop, bad cop here. Just pure bad cop.

He sighed heavily and smirked, "Hakuna matata."

I threw my hands up in the air, "What the—fuck my life, Whitlock. Seriously. I don't even know how to fucking respond to that! Who the fuck makes a pop culture reference – to the Lion King, to boot – in such a tense situation?"

"Well, you would, usually...," Jasper retorted.

"That may be true, but this is different. Look, Alice confided in me yesterday about you... and she really likes you Jasp. She thinks you're not giving her a chance."

"I've given her plenty of chances! She's the one who sucked my dick and then fucked off. She could have stayed around or something. She had all day today to come find me and explain herself, but she chose not to. Alice Cullen is just not that into me.

"There you go with the pop culture references again. Shit, Jasper, she was going to talk to you today. Can you imagine what it must be like for her right now? Trying to work up the nerve to come and spill her guts to you and make up for the mistakes she's made in the past? It's hard for her. Throw the girl a bone here. There's a lot more to Alice Cullen than you know. A lot more. If you were to give her the chance she wants you to give her, then maybe you'll know as much about the little fairy as I do."

Wow, I felt like... a normal person. Not trying to manipulate someone for my interest for once. I was doing a good deed. I was... being a true friend.

Well... that's different.

Jasper leaned silently as he thought over what I had just said. His smirk had fallen somewhere in my rant to a more human expression – one of confusion, pain and something even I couldn't identify.

"Besides, Whitlock," I added, "not to sound conceited, but I'm already trapped in a love triangle – I'm not really feeling making it a love square."

Finally, his mask of pain cracked and he let out a small laugh. He pushed off the island and made his way over to me, wrapping me in a bone crushing hug. Oddly enough, at last... it felt like Jasper was more to me than a fuck buddy and a friend. He was my brother. It was a weird realization. It was like all the desire to jump his bones went flying out the window – now I just wanted to confide in him.

Family.

Huh... who would have thought?

"Thanks, Bells."

With that, he was on his way back down the stairs to presumably talk it out with Alice. Just the simple "Thanks, Bells" made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Like a typical girl – or a puppy that just got adopted or something. I started laughing side-ripping laughs as I thought about how fucked I am. Getting all happy over some epiphany I should have had the second the boy moved in with me. I really needed to get my head out of my ass, as soon as possible.

I hopped up onto the island and kind of just sat and thought about things that I needed to re-vamp in my life. The way I treated people, my shit-box for a mouth and vocabulary... the list went on. It was a little overwhelming to think about all the things that needed to change, and it did feel like I was going to be changing my whole self – but it needed to be done.

I mean, I could never cut out swearing on the whole, maybe just... I don't know, use other words? I'd need some encouragement on that one. Fuck, shit, bitch... they all just suited every situation!

I heard Alice and Jasper walking up the stairs into that middle between-basement-and-main-floor section and shut a door. Someone else's footsteps were following behind them and continued up to the kitchen. I was almost excited, thinking it was probably Edward, but as soon as I saw the dirty blonde tuft of hair poke around the corner... I knew it was James.

"So where were you all day? I was trying to find you during our spare...," he whispered as he adjusted his clothes.

He was dressing almost like a gangster today. Rather baggy jeans and white t-shirt with a Knicks jersey over top. To be honest, he looked a little awkward. I could tell he felt awkward, too.

"Oh, uh, right. Well—,"

"I know you were at school, because I saw your car in the lot... so, were you avoiding me or something? I mean, it's better if you just tell me now..."

"No, no. I had a guidance appointment all day. Scholarships and all that jazz, you know. They were laying out my options for university – apparently I've got the marks to get into Dartmouth and Yale and shi—stuff."

"Oh? Wow. That's mother fucking insane, Swan! What do you want to be?" James asked with genuine curiosity.

Fuck, I hated these conversations.

"Um, I'm not really sure. I was thinking something medically based – research, you know. Lab work. I was kind of debating going up to that research school in Canada. McGill or whatever... it's supposed to be amazing for medical stuff. You know Dr. Wilson on house? Yeah. He went there – on the show, not in real life—,"

"Uh huh. I've never seen it."

Awkward.

I didn't really have anything else to say... so I sat. He stood. I tried not to stare at him either because it was just making me feel so guilty that I was leading him on.

Yes, I said it. I knew I was leading him on. I liked having male attention, but the only male I want holding my attention... was sitting downstairs, probably running his hand through his hair and wondering where the fuck I've been.

James closed the distance between us and hopped up on the island beside me, pressing his thigh to mine. Unwanted contact, that's for sure. You know the feeling when that happens? The kind of mental alert saying, "GET AWAY. BEEP BEEP BEEP. STOP, DON'T TOUCH ME THERE. THIS IS MY PRIVATE SQUARE!" Well, that was ringing like no other in my head.

I fondled my cell phone in my hands, hoping that someone would text me to go back downstairs. James grabbed it out of my hands and held it above his head.

"What the hell, James," I grunted as I reached for his wrist, "give it back, you tool!"

"Only if you kiss me."

Fuck, no. I didn't want to kiss him. So I said it out loud, but he wasn't having that. He intertwined our hands and held them up in the air, leaning in for the big smooch.

Internally, I was screaming rape... and I was struggling a little bit to get away, but I felt truly miserable for the way I had been avoiding James today. So, I figured that it would be best to let him shove his tongue down my throat – once – and then let him go on his merry way.

He pressed his too-wet lips to mine and nudged them open, shoving his tongue into my mouth. It was awkward, needless to say, because he kept pressing his tongue to my teeth. As if he was singing that 3Oh!3 song in his head... "...while my tongue is on the inside of some other girls teeth."

The second his hand started to get a little to acquainted with my thigh, I pulled away and smiled at him before hopping off the counter and practically sprinting back down to the basement.

Emmett was the first to notice my haste entrance.

"Bellllaaaaa! How's it hangin'? Did you find the bong water?"

Shit, right. I was supposed to find that.

"Oh, uh, no. I searched all over... nowhere to be found," I said breathlessly as I plopped myself down beside Edward on the couch.

"Yeah, you wouldn't. I realized after you left that I used it up last weekend. I was going to tell you, but it was my turn to hit the pipe and... I guess I forgot. Sorry, kid."

"No problem, Em."

Edward eyed me with his interrogating eyes, asking me where I was with the simple flick of an eyebrow. I shook my head and nodded towards the door with perfect timing, as James walked through. Edward stiffened momentarily as he processed all sorts of possibilities. I was about to say something before he randomly started attacking my neck with his luscious lips.

"E-E-Edward, what are you doing?!" I whispered while trying to hold my my moans of want.

He didn't answer and continued ravishing my jaw line and collar bone. I looked up and saw a disgruntled James standing about two feet in front of us.

"Cullen, what the fuck, man?! We've been over this! Cut it out," James threatened, venom lacing his tone.

Edward halted his actions and looked up to James, smirking, "Oh, sorry, guess the skunk was getting to me. You can just look away, I guess."

He waved his hand to dismiss James from our... uh, show... with a ferocious grin that sent chills down my spine. He was angry. Oh... man, he was so angry – fighting angry.

The second Edward's lips touched my neck again... he was pulled off the couch by his collar. James held him mere inches from his face and glared at him, biceps tensing – ready to fight. Normally, I would be excited like I had been when Edward and Jasper were in the same position, but I was monumentally annoyed with James.

Such a shit-head. I'm not anyone's fucking property.

The two had a stare-down for about five minutes before James started to pull his fist back to punch Edward in the stomach. Emmett jumped up and pried James' fingers from Edward's shirt and literally dragged him to the little door in the corner, ushering him outside.

"Call me tonight, Swan," James laughed as he had the door slammed in his face.

I looked around the room at the slight chaos that had occurred from such peace. Weed was calming, so was the music that was still playing in the room – the Poker Face remix with Kanye, Common and Kid Cudi – so the tense atmosphere made me laugh.

Literally.

I fell onto my side on the couch laughing, tears forming in the corners of my eyes. Rosalie, who was situated on a chair by the door, started giggling as well. Soon enough, all four of us were busting a gut over... well, just about nothing.

Ah, the benefits of weed.

Rosalie was still laughing when she motioned for me to come with her. She pulled me into another room down the hall and sat me on the bed.

"Okay, girl. What the hell was the deal in there?" She laughed and shook her blonde waves around her shoulders.

"Ugh, nothing at all. James is just kind of an ass who's a little too fond of me."

"Please, as if you didn't bring that on yourself, Bella. You flirt with him almost as much as you do with Edward. Any love triangle that exists, exists because you made it exist," she explained slowly, like I was a child.

I sighed. She was right and I knew it. I could tell what she meant by bringing it up, too – I was going to have to openly pick between the two. I know I've said I want Edward, but she means—

"You need to tell James he needs to fuck off, Bella. It's so obvious you want Edward's cock."

I tossed a pillow at her, causing her to step back a bit. We laughed a bit before I acknowledged what she said.

"I know, Rose. Fuck, it's just that I don't really want to hurt his feelings, though. I mean... guh, you know what I mean. I don't want to be the one to tell him."

"Then don't," Rosalie smiled evilly.

"Hm?"

"Find someone else to occupy his time."

"Like who?"

"Come with me," she said as she grabbed my hand and lead me out of the room.

Edward and Emmett were just lounging on the couch with their heads lolled back. Rose pulled me in and parked herself behind Emmett on the couch, leaning over his head.

"Hey, baby, who's a single, spunky girl that would be willing to date James?" She asked innocently.

Edward's head shot up and he looked me in the eye with an evil smile. He caught Rose's drift and was riding it all the way to an idea of his own.

"Victoria," he shouted.

Emmett nodded in agreement, "She's been pining over him for months now. I'm not sure if he's into fire-crotches, though."

"He is. He told me once that Kathy Griffin was in the top 5 of his 'down to fuck' list," I mumbled.

"Perfect," Rose squealed, "I'll talk to Victoria tomorrow and work everything out."

Emmett stood up off the couch and took a Superman stance, "Tomorrow, at oh-eight-hundred hours, Plan Ginger begins."

He keeled over laughing. No one else did. We all just kind of smiled at each other.

Edward opened his arms and motioned for me to sit on his lap, so I obliged and made myself comfortable against his muscular chest. Just with those simple actions, I think that was our way of saying we chose each other. My heart swelled.

Emmett and Rose ended up leaving soon after, claiming they were going to go "watch a movie", but from the lust that was practically radiating off their bodies, I knew that wasn't the case. But it did make me want to spend more time with Edward – actually spend time with him. So I brought him home with me. I promised myself I'd keep my hands out of his pants and start building our undeclared relationship.

"That's not the answer to my question," I laughed as I threw more popcorn at his face, "I asked what your favourite colour is. It's not even a hard question, you goof."

"I know, I know. It's just that people never usually ask such stereotypical questions," he cackled.

He paused and rubbed his knees a little before looking into my eyes, "Blue."

"See, that wasn't that hard," I said.

"Aren't you going to ask me why I chose blue?"

I tilted my head a little. Did people actually have I reasons for having a favourite colour?

"Fine, why do you like blue?"

He leaned over the space between us and tugged on my sweater, "Blue... is calm. It's deep, it's powerful and it's mysterious. It has so many different shades that you can never quite put your finger on which one you like the best. Just like you. You've got so many different sides to your weird personality that it's like I'm constantly meeting another version of you. It's intriguing. And besides, you look so good in blue."

I smiled the biggest smile I'd ever cracked and pulled him into one of those strangling neck hugs. I felt so raw at that moment, too. Like I was kind of discovering myself at the same time and Edward was the key to my secrets. Maybe I was more of a regular girl than I thought, emotions wise. I never thought I could feel the same things you see in movies, but the overwhelming happiness that surrounded me was better than ecstasy.

Jasper came waltzing through the door after that, with a grin from ear to ear. Fuck-faced.

"Did you and my sister make up?" Edward asked suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Cullen. Fuck yes."

"Are you guys together now, or what?" I probed, hoping he would continue.

"No, we're going to take it slow... like I hope you two are doing."

I turned to look at Edward at the same time he looked at me. Taking it slow... that's what we were doing. I could see the mutual agreement in his eyes as we silently decided to wait longer before declaring our relationship. Jasper had disappeared up the stairs and into his room.

I pecked Edward on the lips, and pulled him off the couch, "I hope this all works out with James."

"Mmm, something tells me it's going to be a lot more difficult than we think," he mumbled.

I nodded in agreement as Edward tugged on his shoes and pulled me in for another kiss before walking out the door.

I actually pulled that move where the girl shuts the door and leans against it, sighing.

My head snapped up and back into reality – I was turning into someone so fucking unknown to me it was shocking. I needed to make sure I kept my good old, hillbilly-esque, mother fucking hilarious personality in check... or else, well, or else I wouldn't be as god damned fierce as I was before.

That, my friends, is never going to change.