The Danger Of A Kiss
By Andie O'Neill
Genre: Romance, Humor
Summary: From the murder of a few unfortunate men, to the murder of ones heterosexuality… it was really amazing what one kiss could do.
A/N: This story was really inspired by the season one ep "9 Lives." Since Shawn seems to enjoy using Lassiter as a prop for his 'visions' I couldn't help but wonder just how far he'd take things….
Disclaimer: It all goes to Steve Franks, but that doesn't keep me from playing with it… even if it's not mine.
*~*~* 1987 *~*~*
Henry Spencer, damn good detective and father frowned as he looked up from his newspaper to see his only son stomping into the yard looking less than pleased about something. Somehow Henry had a bad feeling things at school hadn't gone very well. "Whoa, whoa… where's the fire kid? What happened to you?" he asked, reaching an arm out to block his son from walking into the house in his current state.
His son Shawn huffed angrily and turned to look at Henry, eyes blazing. "Tiffany McCormick! She won't leave me alone! I've told her a million times that I don't like her, but she won't take the hint! It's bad enough everyone in class thinks she's my girlfriend! Now after today the whole school will think it's true!" he exclaimed in a rush, face red.
Henry had heard his son mention Tiffany once or twice as being the thorn in his side that he could never seem to get rid of. Obviously things had taken a turn for the worse if his son was this riled up. "What happened? What'd she do? It can't be that bad…."
"SHE KISSED ME, DAD!" Shawn shouted.
Henry paused, clearing his throat. "I can see how you might be a little upset," Henry relented, but couldn't help a small smile. "But Shawn, it couldn't have been that bad."
Unfortunately Shawn noticed the smile immediately being as observant as he was (thank you very much) and immediately glared at his father. "That bad?! She kissed me in front of everybody! I can't even stand her! I'd sooner kiss Gus than Tiffany McCormick!" his son almost screamed, and Henry winced, wishing his son hadn't spoken those words as loud as he had. Now there was a pretty picture.
"Yeah… I was afraid you'd say that," he grumbled, trying to chase away the image. Sometimes he really worried about his son….
His son rolled his eyes dramatically and grabbed the house door, stomping into the house. Henry sighed, figuring he'd talk to Shawn about the issue later when he'd calmed down and turned back to his paper.
*~*~* Present *~*~*
Shawn had to admit he'd had some interesting and exciting cases, but nothing could hold a candle to the murder case he'd just solved as the final pieces of the puzzle collected in his mind forming a picture he couldn't wait to share with the rest of the Santa Barbara Police Department. When he'd figure it out he'd been more than happy to share a celebratory dance with his old pal Gus involving some extremely high kicks and head bobs. Shawn had quickly dialed Juliet O'Hara's cell number to let her know of the vibes he was getting in front of Kristy Marie's house… the man whore killer. Five men had been found dead with faint traces of poison in their system, enough to kill, but the police had been unable to figure out how they were being poisoned as it hadn't been mixed with food or drink. It turned out all five men were strippers at the same place and after Shawn and Gus figured that out it was only a matter of identifying the connection between the victims and the murder. Kristy Marie was a waitress that worked at the strip club and apparently used to be quite unattractive until she got some 'work' done. Shawn hadn't been able to resist flirting with her the moment he'd seen her, but of course now he had a feeling it wouldn't work out what with her being a killer and everything.
Shawn and Gus had waited impatiently for Lassiter and O'Hara to arrive, pleased when Chief Vick was with them, scrambling out of Lassiter's red Crown Vic and Shawn was practically jumping up and down with excitement. "Okay Mr. Spencer… you said you could identify the person responsible for the five strippers that were poisoned. You believe it's Kristy Marie?" Vick asked, nodding her head toward the rather quaint little house. Somehow Shawn found it odd to see killers living in normal neighborhoods, like there should really be a place just for them that looked really dark and scary; then again he supposed that would take the fun out of trying to catch them all.
"I know it's her, Chief! I can feel it!" he assured her, knowing his 'feelings' wouldn't be enough. He needed proof. They needed to talk to Marie.
"We can't arrest someone on your feelings, Spencer. We need evidence," Lassiter pointed out with his usual charm. Shawn found it extremely entertaining even if to others it sounded slightly hostel.
"Take her in for questioning! She works as a waitress at the same place as the men who died. Come on! I know she's the one!" Shawn could see the uncertainty in Chief Vick's eyes, but he knew she'd eventually agree. His track record was enough to prove Vick could trust his 'feelings.'
"Okay Mr. Spencer, we'll see what we can do, but you'd better be right about this…."
They hadn't been able to get a confession, and Shawn knew they'd be letting her leave any moment, frowning as he watched her walk past, followed closely behind O'Hara and Lassiter. It seemed he always had to do everything himself. Still, it offered him an opportunity and Shawn gave his good buddy Gus a small smile that silently told his friend to play along before he screamed. "Oh god, what's happening?!" he shouted, touching his lips in mock surprise, dramatically staggering over to Lassiter, O'Hara and Kristy Marie who seemed less than amused. His eyes were wide as he looked at her before mirroring her stance, pretending to be her for a moment as he slid a devilish smile on his face and walked closer and closer with purpose to Head Detective Carlton Lassiter. Lassie was about to get the show of a lifetime, staring him, and Shawn ignored the part of his brain telling him he was going too far. It was for the good of the case. Besides, it wasn't like sitting on the man's lap and practically groping him had been much better.
His eyes blazed as he kept them focused on Lassiter who looked more and more uncomfortable with each step. "Shawn?" Jules questioned, watching in confusion.
Gus cleared his throat, demanding Juliet's attention. "I don't think he can hear you, Jules."
Shawn looked Lassiter up and down like he was fresh T-bone steak. "You wanted nothing to do with me before. You laughed behind my back until I saved enough money. You think I didn't notice how you looked at me? I wasn't even worth a penny until after my surgery. Suddenly you couldn't keep your hands off me could you? I looked damn hot and now you've finally stopped laughing! You wouldn't have given me the time of day before! You bastard!" he said, lowering his voice as he spoke to Lassiter, pretending to be Marie as memories of her medical records flashed through his mind thanks to a friend working at the hospital who owed Shawn and Gus a huge favor. They'd finally called it in.
"I think he's actually reliving the last murder," said Gus to Jules, watching along with the junior detective. They were about to get one hell of a show.
Shawn pushed Carlton Lassiter against the wall hard, surprising the taller man (and boy was it fun throwing Lassie-face off-guard) then leaned forward, pulling Lassiter down for a bruising kiss that had the whole Police station frozen in shock. Shawn almost laughed as he felt Lassie's arms flailing helplessly and he wasn't kissing back, but Shawn really hadn't expected him to. It was too bad really, because Shawn would bet anything Lassie was a dynamite kisser. Finally Lassiter managed to push Spencer away and he dropped to the floor. "What the hell Spencer-" shouted Lassiter angrily.
Shawn ignored him, eyes closed as he jerked on the floor letting out a gasp. "Oh god I can see it! That's how she killed them! Beware of her kiss! Check her lipstick! It's poisoned! She killed those men with a kiss!" he shouted desperately, opening his eyes as he panted for breath as he usually did after one of his 'episodes.' After all, being a psychic was a tiring job.
"Tha- That's ridiculous! He's crazy!" shouted Marie.
Shawn pushed himself back up, his eyes focused on Kristy. "You were in an accident when you were a child… I can see the scar," he told her, hands to his temples. "You couldn't even look in the mirror! You weren't attractive! Not to Evan Michaels. Not to Richard Price. Not to any of those strippers you'd watched day in and day out! They laughed at the very idea of being with you until you'd finally saved up enough money to get the plastic surgery. Suddenly they weren't laughing, but the damage was done! They'd rejected you, and you were pissed!"
"Of course I was pissed! You have no idea what it's like to cry every time you even look in the mirror! I was ugly, and they treated me like shit! They deserved to die!" screamed Marie.
Shawn paused with a smile as O'Hara immediately pulled out the cuffs and Kristy Marie realized she'd just confessed to murder in a Police Station. He really did love his job. He turned to Gus, fist in the air as he expected to get a little 'bump' for his mad interrogation skills, but instead Gus was giving him a look… the kind that said Gus was not happy with him. Shawn's frown faded as Gus shook his head and walked away. While Jules was reading Marie her rights Shawn turned to look at Lassie, noticing the red faced detective was looking anywhere but at him. Ah, Gus was probably mad about the kiss. Shawn knew Gus was less than thrilled with Spencer flirting with the handsome head detective, although why it would bother him so much Shawn couldn't tell. "Looks like all ends that ends well, eh Lassie," said Shawn, turning to look over at the detective.
Lassiter glared at him for a moment, wiping his mouth before he followed O'Hara. Somehow Shawn got the feeling he'd be paying for that little kissing bit later….
"I don't care if you thought it'd be funny! It was out of line, Shawn! Lassiter's finally started working with us rather than against us and then you pull this little stunt! I hope you're happy!" shouted Gus as he drove his little blue car down the road, beyond angry. Shawn could practically see the smoke coming from his ears.
"Come on Gus, don't be such a two headed donkey! He'll get over it, he always does. It was just a kiss!" Shawn defended.
"It was not just a kiss, Shawn! You're lucky there were people around or he probably would have shot you!"
Shawn scoffed, looking out the car window. Gus just didn't understand. Sometimes he really needed to learn how to relax, but that was one lesson Shawn didn't think his best friend would ever truly learn. Perhaps the kiss would make things difficult, but he had no doubt by tomorrow Lassiter would have forgotten all about the kiss.
"Spencer! A moment please," said Lassie, jaw clenched as he stood behind Shawn who was sitting, legs folded on Jules' desk eating lunch with the junior detective.
Jules gave him a sympathetic look, and Shawn raised an eyebrow before looking over at Lassiter. "Sure Lassie, anything for you!" he spoke, hopping off the desk and putting his lunch on her desk. Lassiter immediate wrapped an arm around Spencer, leading him down the hall and around the corner. By the time Shawn realized no one was around it was too late and he was being flung against the wall. Shawn immediately turned around to face Lassiter. "Well, this is familiar…."
"Shut up Spencer. Don't you ever, EVER pull a stunt like what you pulled yesterday on me again or I will shoot you. Are we clear?!" he said, pointing a finger in Spencer's face threateningly. Somehow Shawn wasn't worried.
"Clear as coke, but really Lassie-face… it was just one stupid kiss. Besides, it wasn't like I had any control of it. I'm just as angry as you are at the spirits. I mean really… I knew they could be sneaky, but that was just uncalled for. Between you and me, I think they may have a thing for you. Even so, you really shouldn't get so worked up over a kiss. That kind of temper leads to heart disease… and you already have that sweet tooth. That's two out of three," he said, trying his best not to smile as he watched the head detective's face grow more and more red by each second.
"Don't give me that psychic crap, Spencer! You kissed me in front of everyone!" he shouted.
Shawn rolled his eyes. "There goes that tempter! Really Carly, I thought we were getting better at this. I tell you what, how about I make it up to you… dinner and a movie? I'll even let you wrap your arm around me during the romantic part."
"I swear Spencer, if it were up to me you'd be living the rest of your life behind bars," Lassiter grumbled, turning around and stalking off. Shawn didn't even bother hiding the fact that he was enjoying watching the head detective go… he really was nice to look at from behind.
Shawn was starting to think that perhaps he may have pushed the good detective just a bit too far. For the rest of the week since his stolen kiss Lassiter had become more and more difficult and not even Juliet could say anything about it. Worse yet, it seemed his mood was dark no matter who he was around, and O'Hara had yet to forgive Shawn for making things difficult for her. The head detective had been quite trigger happy as of late, more than usual, and Chief Vick was starting to worry. Shawn knew he was going to have to do something before Lassiter ended up on extended leave for killing someone. By the end of the week Shawn had made the decision to pay Lassiter a visit and formally apologize for what happened, despite Gus' warnings that Lassiter might just shoot him and hide the body. Shawn was willing to take the chance.
Spencer stood awkwardly in front of Lassiter's door, hands in his pockets as he waited for it to open. When it did he immediately smiled, while Lassiter seemed less than happy. "Oh jeez… what are you doing here, Spencer?"
"Is that anyway to treat a guest?" he asked, holding up a pineapple with a pretty red ribbon bow stuck on it. "This is for you."
Lassiter took the pineapple, raising an eyebrow. "Seriously Spencer, isn't there someone else you can go annoy?"
"Of course there is, but no one else is nearly as much fun as you, Lassie," Shawn assured him, sliding inside before Lassiter could close the door in his face. After a brief look around he turned to face the detective who was closing the door and turning around to look at him. "Believe it or not… I came to apologize."
"Apologize?" Suddenly Lassiter looked extremely amused. "This ought to be good," he muttered.
"I never should have let the spirits coerce me into that kiss. It's obvious they get their kicks from watching heterosexuals freak out… but then again even dead people get bored sometimes. Just ask Bruce Willis… which I gotta say, I know I'm psychic, but I totally did not see that coming. Even when Gus and I watch it now I still shake my head at that-"
"Spencer! Do you ever stop talking?" Lassiter asked, then shook his head. "Don't answer that." Shawn watched the head detective sigh, putting the pineapple on the table near his door. "And you know, for someone who claims to be psychic you're pretty clueless, Spencer."
"Excuse me?" Shawn questioned. "Am I missing something?"
Carlton smiled. "For once… yes," said Lassiter before he grabbed Spencer and for a moment Shawn was starting to wonder if he should have taken Gus' offer to come with for back up in case Lassiter got violent, but then the thought passed as Carlton Lassiter's lips slammed against his in a kiss. Shawn was too stunned to react at first until he felt Lassiter's tongue trying to push past his lips and finally he was kissing back. When Lassie finally pulled away from the kiss Shawn was completely dazed, and just a bit confused. "Tell your spirits if they were expecting a heterosexual freak out, they're gonna be sorely disappointed. I just don't like my personal business being passed all around the damn Police Station."
Shawn smiled. "My my Lassie! Aren't we just full of surprises. Does this mean you're gonna take me up on that dinner and a movie offer? Play your cards right and I might even put out…."
"Get out, Spencer," Lassiter muttered in annoyance, but Shawn didn't need to be a psychic to know he wasn't serious. Shawn was getting a strong vibe that the only thing Lassie wanted from Shawn was yet another kiss… without the audience. Just one thing.
"You aren't wearing that poison lipstick we got from Kristy Marie are you?" Shawn asked.
"Just checking!" he said quickly before pulling the detective in yet another kiss.