My Big, Fat Jewish Wedding
Disclaimer: all characters and events in this novel--even those based on real people--are entirely fictional. The following novel contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be read by anyone.
My name is Kyle Broflovski. I'm 18-years-old. I'm Jewish. I have red curly hair that's in this stupid Jew fro, which I really hate. I always keep it hidden under my hat. I have hazel eyes. I look just like my father, but I have my mother's Jewish nose.
"Kyle, you should find a nice Jewish girl to marry soon," my Mom says all the time.
My mom has been saying that since I was fifteen years old. There are only three things Jewish boys do in life: find a good paying job, marry Jewish girls and make Jewish babies.
I'm about to graduate from South Park High. Graduation was only a week away. And Mom wants me to find a think about marrying a Jewish girl. I'm 18! Why should I be thinking about marriage? She can be annoying sometimes.
I was very excited about graduation. Stan was going to play music with his band: he would play guitar, Kenny on drums, and Token on bass. Mr. Mackey knocked on the door.
"Kyle Broflovski, please come to the principal's office, mmkay?"
I looked up as soon as my name was called; I was nervous. What did I do this time? Perhaps Cartman blamed me for something that he did. He is such a dumb ass! I opened the door and looked at Principal Victoria. She was old and was planning to retire this year.
"Kyle Broflovski," she said. "I have some great news for you. Since your grade point average was the highest amongst your classmates, I have decided to make you valedictorian."
I was shaking and a smile cracked along my face.
"Yes. That means you have to give a speech in front of the entire class and their parents."
"Oh…" I didn't really like giving speeches. I didn't have the confidence that my father have nor my mother's determination, yet I remembered many times how I gave inspirational speeches to complete strangers such as the time my brother, Ike, was taken back to Canada, the time I gave an inspiring speech about how large corporations are good, etc. "OK. I guess I can do that."
"Good. Congratulations, Kyle."
At lunch, I told my friends, Stan and Kenny what had happened in Principal Victoria's office.
"Wow, dude!" said Stan. "Valedictorian! I'm so jealous."
"What's going on?" Cartman said.
Stan and I rolled their eyes. Cartman was a fat kid who took the habit of hanging around the three of us because he had no friends himself. He was such an asshole sometimes.
"Kyle was made valedictorian," said Stan.
"You can't be valedictorian!" yelled Cartman. "You're a Jew!"
"Shut up, fat ass!" I said, annoyed.
"Ay! I'm not fat! I'm just big boned!"
"I'm excited about graduation," said Stan. "I can't wait to get out of South Park High and go to college."
"Mmph-mmph-mmph," Kenny said.
"You won't be going to college, Kenneh," said Cartman. "'Cuz your family is so poor."
"Mmph-mmph!" Kenny said, angrily.
"Yea, Cartman," I said. "Kenny can go to college. He just needs to apply for financial aid."
"It's a good thing you got a job and saved up all your money," said Stan.
"Mmph," he said, nodding.
"So, what are you and Wendy going to do since you're both going to different colleges, Stan?" I asked.
"Well, Wendy's going to Colorado College and I'm going to South Park College, we'll still see each other on the weekends," said Stan. "We'll chat online. We bought webcams for our computers. Are you going to Colorado College, Kyle?"
"Nah. I'm going to SP College. First, I want to figure out what I want to do. Then, maybe I'll transfer to Colorado College."
"Cool, dude! Maybe we can be roommates!"
I smiled. "Yea, that'd be cool."
"My mom says there are a lot of black people at South Park College," said Cartman.
"Shut up, Cartman!"
He could be such an asshole.
As soon as I got home, I told Mom and Dad.
"Oh, bubbie!" Mom said. "I'm so proud of you."
She was soon smothering me with hugs and kisses, choking me. Her huge beehive hair smelt like hairspray, which would suffocate me and her red lipstick smeared all over my face. I felt like I was nine years old again where my mother would smother me all the time just for getting a stupid A on a test or a project.
"OK, Mom," I said. "You're going to make me swallow my tongue."
She tried to wipe the smeared red lipstick off of my face, unsuccessfully. My Dad hugged me as well.
"Well done, son," he said, patting me on the head. "Maybe we should work on your speech tonight that way you can have it done and not have to worry about it."
"I know," I sighed.
I went up to my room, looking at index cards, thinking of what to write. I know that at graduations that everyone is supposed to talk about the past and the future. It's really stupid to write a speech! Not really much to talk about in school: same people, same shit, just different days. Every time I tried to write something, it just sounded stupid and I tossed the paper into the trash. God dammit! Stupid valedictorian speech!
Graduation was today. I got up very early that morning, showered, and brushed my teeth. Mom had pressed my good suit that I wore when we went to Jewish mass. As I was about to put on my hat…
"Oh no, Kyle!" Mom said. "No hats! Graduation is supposed to be formal. The only hat you wear is your mortarboard."
"But Mom!" I said. "You know how I feel about my hair!"
"Kyle, it's not that bad. You look very handsome. Let me brush it."
I groaned, annoyed. I hate my hair! She brushed my hair, her fingers running through those awful curls that never seemed to untangle. I wanted to scream every time she reached a gnarl, but held them back and tears began to prick my eyes from the pain as hair was yanked at my scalp. She rubs mousse in my hair.
"Mom, just why are you putting this stuff in my hair?" I demanded.
"It'll make your hair nice and shiny, bubbie," she said. I swear she treats me like a kid. It's so annoying!
"Sheila, for God sake!" my Dad said. "Don't put that stuff in his hair! It's not necessary!"
"Gerald, I want our little man to look so handsome."
"He looks handsome enough. Honestly, Sheila, you need to have a little girl!"
My mother had a twinkle in her eye. "Well, that's not a bad idea, Gerald."
"Mom, are you done now?" I asked.
"Ooh!" said Ike, my little brother, who was now twelve, imitating an effeminate voice. "Kyle, you look so handsome." He batted his beady eyes.
"Shut up, Ike!"
"Kyle, be nice to your brother!" scolded my Mom.
I rolled my eyes. She handed me a tie and was about to tie it.
"Sheila, let me do this," said Gerald. "This is a guy thing."
My Dad tied my tie. He was already starting to grey in his brown hair. I was glad that my Dad was doing this because I was getting sick of my Mom fussing over me.
"There you go," he said. "That's not too tight?"
"No, it's fine," I said.
He nodded. He hugged me again. "I'm very proud of you, son."
Soon, we arrived at South Park High School, dressed in my green robe and mortarboard with a gold lapel, the school colors. It was atrocious! I looked so stupid.
"Hey, dude," said Stan. He was carrying his guitar case. Apparently, his parents made him take off his hat. His thick, shaggy mop of black hair was combed neatly, slick with hair gel that his Mom had probably did. He looked very annoyed as well. "Your mom made you take off your hat too?"
"Yea," I said.
"Hey, Jew!" said Cartman. His brown hair was combed with hair gel as well. His gown was already covered with crumbs of Cheesy Poofs already. It was so typical of Cartman! I rolled my eyes. "Nice hair!" He laughed so hard and pointed at my hair. I wish I could pull my mortarboard over my stupid hair.
"Shut up, fat ass!" I said.
"I'm not fat! I'm buff!"
Soon, Kenny showed up. He was still wearing his parka hood and a blue suit.
"Mmph mph," he said.
"Hey, Kenny," we said.
"Hey, fellas!" said Butters. His blonde hair had also been combed to the side with hair gel.
"Hey, Butters," said Stan. "I'll meet you later with Token so we can practice before we start."
"Alright," he said.
Stan disappeared to meet with his band. I was in the boys' room, pacing back and forth, looking at the speech that I had spent all week writing. My heart was pounding very hard and my hands were sweating and shaking.
"Hey, Jew boy," Cartman sneered from the stall. "You're gonna chicken out. I knew that Jews were cowards. Principal Victoria shouldn't have elected you valedictorian."
"Shut up, fat ass!" I said. "Then, who do you think should've been valedictorian?"
"I should! I'd probably give a better speech than you. Let me see what you wrote."
"Go away, asshole! I need to be alone."
"Fifteen minutes until the graduation commences," said the intercom. "Fifteen minutes until graduation commences."
"Geez, touchy, are we?" said Cartman.
He walked out of the bathroom. I splashed water on my face. I still wasn't feeling well. I swear I was going to throw up. I breathed slowly. I had to stay calm.
We got in line from A to Z. I was in the Bs. Cartman was right behind me. Typical! Of all people I had to sit next to, it had to be the fat asshole who constantly made my life a living hell. He whispered in an annoying sing-song voice, "You're gonna chicken out!" I wanted to punch him in the stomach.
"And now," said Principal Victoria. "We now present to you, the class of South Park High School."
The band began to play and the entire class marched into the gym, families were applauding and holding up cameras, flashes blinding us and video cameras blinking red lights. I saw my Mom, sobbing into a handkerchief, and my dad holding up a video camera. I smiled, trying to look happy. Cartman's fat stomach was poking me in the ass, almost making me fall down. Jesus! Could he get any fatter? We took our seats. Cartman took up the entire bench that I had to sit on the very edge, the metal corner poking my ass. Stupid Cartman!
"And now," said Principal Victoria. "We will commence with a speech from our valedictorian, Kyle Broflovski."
I was shaking already, but I remembered all those inspirational speeches I gave after learning something. I reached into my pocket to read my cards…huh? They were gone! I looked around the floor and then…I saw Cartman holding my cards in his hand, sticking his tongue out, smiling evilly. That asshole! I was about to dive after him and yank them out when I watched in horror as he tore them apart into little pieces.
"You…" I snarled.
"Is there a problem, Kyle?" asked Principal Victoria.
"Erm…no," I said. "None at all." I stepped up to the podium, looking at all the thousands of eyes that were staring at me, waiting for me. I couldn't remember most of my speech, but I remembered how confident I was all those times in my childhood.
"Graduation," I began. "Defined as a ceremony of conferring degrees or diplomas, as at a college or school. Often, graduation is a rite of passage: leaving the past behind and entering the future. Leaving behind your childhood and entering adulthood. Leaving behind high school and entering college and soon enough, the work force."
"Lame," Cartman coughed.
"Every rite of passage is often a celebration. Growing up Jewish, I often experienced many rites of passages: my bris when I was born. Boy, that was a painful experience that I don't want to remember…Mom coming after me with the scissors."
Everybody laughed at my joke.
"Stupid Jew!" Cartman sneezed.
I knew he was trying to screw me up and piss me off. "And my bar mitzvah when I turned 13. That was my favorite: food, cake, and lots of dancing. However, I find today to be a great rite of passage. Celebrating the passing of my childhood and into adulthood. As I look back on my childhood, I have many happy memories in Mr. Garrison's 3rd and 4th grade classes: coming in, listening to his ridiculous lessons that we all knew we would never need in life…" People laughed. "Making fun of Mr. Mackey when he gave us lectures on how 'drugs are bad, mmkay?' But the most I remember was the playground, playing with my best friends. When I entered middle and high school, I realized that my childhood had gone by so quickly, yet I cherish every moment because I know I have lived my childhood as best I could. I am happy to say that I look forward to the future: going off to college and becoming successful, making my family proud and having a family. I would like to thank Mom and Dad and Ike for their support and love, my best friend, Stan and Kenny. The class of South Park High, I will always remember you and will miss you when I leave. I wish you the best of luck."
The audience burst into applause after my speech. I felt proud. I really didn't need those stupid cards anyway. I stuck my tongue out at Cartman, who was pouting because his plan to ruin my graduation speech hadn't succeeded. Stupid asshole!
Soon, there were more speeches from staff members. It was boring and it was hot and stuffy in the gym that it made me sleepy. Soon, Stan and his band played. Finally, it was time to hand out the diplomas. I heard the names being called like a buzz of bees.
Token got up from his seat and received his diploma, smiling and waving at his parents. He shook hands and sat back down. More names were being called.
I stood up and received my diploma from Principal Victoria. My Mom was sobbing into a handkerchief while my Dad was waving to me, videotaping. Ike was clapping as well, smiling.
"YAY, KYLE!" he yelled.
Cartman got up, his fat chest puffed out like an egomaniac. His mom was snapping pictures of him, sobbing. He accepted his diploma and shook hands with Principal Victoria.
Timmy came up in his wheelchair. "Timmy!" he shouted. Principal Victoria patted him on the head.
"Stanley Marsh!" Stan received his diploma and smiled at his parents, sat down.
"Kenny McCormick!" Kenny walked up with determination to get his diploma and held it up so his parents could see and they were smiling and clapping. He shook hands with Principal Victoria and sat down.
More kids were called:
"Leopold Stotch!" Butters went up to get his diploma, looking very nervous and his parents were smiling at him, videotaping him. He smiled shyly as he received his diploma.
"Wendy Testaburger!" Stan cheered loudly and she smiled. After she received her diploma, she walked over to Stan and he kissed her.
Soon, the graduation was over.
"We congratulate the graduates of South Park High!"
The band played the 'Alma Mater'. Soon, thousands of mortarboards were tossed up in the air and there were wild cheers in the crowd.
Now that it was over, I actually kind of missed high school already…I didn't realize it would be over so soon…