Okay, this is a gift fic of sorts for both the blanket and DeidreFoxington, who finally got her traded fic after, what, four months? forgive me babe, i hate faulty computers.
Based on a little excerpt from not good enough, particularly this line:
Thinking back, I remembered this exact same train of events when Sasuke and Naruto broke my straightener during the latter's attempt for a 'Yondy look', and they hid the poor broken hairstyler in a box of heels. I didn't find the damn thing 'til Ino's Christmas party a month later, and smashy-smashy soon occurred.
I don't own Naruto, people. If I did, there would be a whole lotta sexin' already.
"If you were a girl, where would you keep your spare key?"
Sasuke shifted uncomfortably, wholly unused to sneaking into pretty girls' houses. Awkwardly, he pointed to a painfully cute frog figurine that seemed to be perpetually winking at him.
Naruto lifted the figurine, swiping the small silver key underneath.
"Success! Mwaha, you're a genius. Okay, now help me get this thing to work." said he, trying and failing to fit the key into the hole. Sasuke grunted, took the key and tried again, but he too found no purchase.
The blonde cursed, wishing he'd paid some morsel of attention when his teammate had rambled on about her 'fritzy door'. He watched as Sasuke turned the key around, upside down, even tried to jam it in sideways, jiggling the handle and getting very, very irritated with the stupid key not fitting into the stupid hole.
When the Uchiha began to kick the door, Naruto stopped him. "Dude, calm down, you'll break your foot. Go check if she has a back door." Slightly appalled that his dense friend had come up with the good idea, Sasuke huffed and hopped off the porch.
Two blinks later, he was back.
The Uzumaki blinked again. How could anyone not have a back door?
"No, dobe, I checked the whole exterior!"
Naruto was frustrated. Very much so. In fact, he was so frustrated that he slammed the entirety of his weight into the door, which buckled and swung open, bouncing off the wall and hitting him in the head when he fell to the floor.
Sasuke couldn't help but chuckle, stepping over the writhing-in-pain Naruto and into Sakura's living room.
The space was, surprisingly, a lot less girly than he'd imagined. The room was mainly white and green, with sheer chartreuse curtains and a large white sofa. A cold cup of tea and a heavy medical text were on the glass coffee table, along with an open book of crossword puzzles (further investigation showed that every puzzle was filled except for one line on page eighty-six).
On his quest to find Sakura's bathroom, Sasuke found that the rest of the house was much the same. White and green seemed to be a common theme throughout it, with simple and chic décor. All in all, it was brightly-lit and clean, a direct contrast between Naruto's filthy apartment and Sasuke's dim, dusty manor. It barely even look like a shinobi's home at all—more like a sophisticated young scholar's.
Finally, Sasuke came across her room. The color scheme was completely different: pink, black and white. The room was fairly large, with a monstrous queen-sized, canopied bed against the back wall, two white dressers, a bean bag chair, and TV, and even a vanity in one corner. There were two different doors beside the entrance: one were French doors, obviously a closet, while the other must have been the entrance to the master bathroom. So far, it seemed that Sakura was fairly well off.
Suddenly, Sasuke felt Naruto behind him—well, smelled rather than felt.
"Okie-dokie, let's get down to beeswax. Where d'ya think she'd keep it?" the blonde said, plopping down on Sakura's neatly-made bed. After a moment of pondering, Sasuke suggested the bathroom.
Wandering into her clean white lavatory, Naruto spied the straight iron on the sink and hissed in success.
"Target locateeed! Okay, do you think it comes with directions?"
Sasuke picked up the instrument and began to inspect it, almost wishing he'd had the foresight to bring rubber gloves. "Go root around her room to see if she still has the box."
With a nod, Naruto complied, and Sasuke continued his investigation. The tool looked almost like a pair of pliers, with squeezable handles and two tongs that had metal insides. There were two buttons on one handle: one said POWER, the other said TURBO.
The Uchiha's intense concentration was broken by his blonde teammate's loud voice.
"Ooh, Sakura-chan! How raunchy!"
Poking his head through the door, Sasuke found the other man playing with a lacy red thong, and felt blood rush through his cheeks.
"I never thought darling Sakura-chan would have this!"
"Goddamnit, dobe, put that down! I don't think she;d have the box in her underwear drawer!"
After fifteen more minutes of searching
"...I don't know...just...put it down...forget it ever...existed...")
the two men decided to wing it and figure out the straightener themselves.
"Hey, is this thing ready yet?" Naruto inquired, tapping the metal strip on the inside and screeching when he burned his finger.
"Obviously, dobe." Sasuke pulled the picture of the Yondaime out of his back pocket and handed it to Naruto, who inspected it and propped it up against Sakura's soap dispenser.
"Okay, I think I've seen this somewhere before. The lady did something like this..." Naruto took a chunk of his hair and put the end between the straightener, curling it around his hair as far up as it would go. After approximately three seconds, it started to sizzle and smoke; Naruto shrieked and promptly dropped the straightener, leaving a blocky half-curl in its wake. He frowned.
"No, I've seen this somewhere before. Hold still," said Sasuke, picking up the hair tool, grabbing some of the fidgety man's hair, and running the straightener slowly across it. He smiled in triumph when the section fell down flat and straight.
"Congratulations, teme, you know how to do hair like a girl," Naruto mumbled. Sasuke 'accidentally' let on side of the pried-open straightener rest against the back of his neck.
Once the #1 ninja of surprise was done hopping around swearing, the Uchiha pressed a knee into his back to pin his to the sink while he worked on his hair, glancing at the photo every so often for reference.
But when he ran across the wet part where Naruto had taken his index finger out of his mouth and scratched his head, it sizzled, and once again Naruto spazzed out. Ripping the straightener from Sasuke's hand, he threw it with all his might against the wall, where it bounced off loudly and smashed into tiny pieces.
A moment of silence, then—
"Goddamnit! You broke it, you fucking idiot!"
"How am I the idiot?"
"Because you broke it!"
"Well, I wouldn't have done that if you weren't burning my damn hair off!"
"That happens all the time, I wasn't burning it! And you didn't have to throw it against the wall!"
"It was my reflexes!"
"Oh, reflexes my ass,"
"I'm a ninja, dammit! It's a reflex to protect myself!"
"Oh, and it's a reflex to throw things against the fucking wall?"
When no reply came, Sasuke huffed.
"Alright, well, it's broken beyond repair now. We can't fix it, so we might as well just throw it away."
"But...it's garbage night. She'll notice it if it's on the top of the bag."
"Well then, dobe, we'll put it on the bottom."
"Ewww! You don't know what kind of disgusting things are in girls' garbage! I'm not digging through there!"
In exasperation, Sasuke sighed again. He really was appalled by the blonde's stupidity sometimes.
"We'll just...hide it." Naruto scooped up the ruins in his hands, walking out of the bathroom and calling for Sasuke to come open the closet door for him. Conceding that there really was no simpler way to dispose of it (and this whole this had already been too troublesome to put more effort into), Sasuke obliged. Naruto dumped the remains into an old shoebox containing white heels in the back of the closet.
He clapped his hands up and down three times, as if removing dust from them. "There. All gone."
On their way out the door, Sasuke sent Naruto ahead, eye catching on the crossword puzzle book. Sitting on the couch, his eyes fell upon the clue to fifteen across, the only open row in the book (page eighty-six).
FIFTEEN: Periodic table genius
Smirking slightly, Sasuke filled in 'Mendeleev' and jogged off after his blonde friend.
One month later...
Dammit, where are those old heels? Sakura rummaged through the Mediterranean Sea of shoeboxes in her closet, shaking them and ripping off the lids in her haste to prepare for Ino's Christmas party.
One box felt abnormally heavy. Hope shone in her eyes.
She flipped the lid off the box, and—
"What the hell?!"
Suddenly, everything began to make sense. The Yondaime picture randomly on her sink, her lacy thong on top of the pile in her sacred underwear drawer, the missing straightener...while now lay in ruins inside the box.
"Hey, who filled in my last row?"