Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. I only own the ideas that I come up with. Stephenie Meyer owns all the characters.
Summary: This takes place during New Moon. In this one-shot, Bella does not become friendly with Jacob, therefore, there is no mention of him. She is the broken, empty shell of the Bella that Edward once knew and loved. Thinking he would never return, she is shocked to find a letter on her bed. This is also from third person POV. I know it's different from what I normally do, but I felt like it fit better with this story.
Hope you like it.
Bella sat motionless on the couch, devoid of any real feelings. Ever since he left, she was unable to handle anything except the numbness that his leaving had brought. She stared blankly at the TV screen, as Charlie sat by watching his game. Her father paid no mind to the baseball game that so often stole his attention on a nightly basis. No, his concern was solely his daughter and the current state that she seemed to be stuck in since Edward Cullen's departure.
He had only the smallest inkling of what she was going through. Being left by the love of his life, Bella's mother, he could understand her pain. But what he couldn't understand was why she seemed to have given up the will to live. It was beyond his comprehension as to why she would allow a boy to have this kind of hold over her.
Charlie never spoke to her about him after that first day she was found alone in the woods. Realizing that it hurt her too much to even say his name, he let the subject drop completely. He wasn't blind to the slight change in her from that first day - the day that he left her behind - but she was still not the Bella that she once was.
The first month was a nightmare and Charlie hoped to never relive it. For the first week she wouldn't eat, and barely left her room. And there was no getting to her since she had locked herself in. When that torturous week had passed, she slowly began to ease herself back into a life without Edward Cullen, the one true love of her life.
After a few months she gradually put herself back into the routine of her daily life. She did not want to worry her father or friends, so she hid her pain, but not well. She did her chores and took care of her father like she normally did, but she barely spoke unless spoken to, and she never did anything anymore except read alone in her room, or occasionally sit with Charlie.
She savored the numb state that she was in, as it was the only way she could survive. If she let any emotion or feeling seep in through her very carefully cultivated wall she would crumble from the weight of her agony.
Bella never imagined that a man would have this kind of hold on her. She never wanted anyone to be the very reason she got out of bed in the morning. But it seemed that was the case with her. Edward had captivated her since that very first day in the cafeteria. Her world had been forever changed. He was the love of her life, the reason that she existed, and he no longer wanted her. It was a pain that she wouldn't wish on her worst enemy.
The pain of knowing that he no longer loved her hurt like nothing she had ever felt before. Worse than the pain of leaving her home back in Phoenix, worse than the countless times she tripped, and much worse than even the venom that coursed through her veins from James' attack.
Looking down, Bella traced the scar from the bite on her hand. The only reminder at all that she had of her Edward's existence. He had taken everything with him; every gift, every picture, every souvenir from their love. He left no trace of himself or his family behind. He had kept his word. It was as if he never existed.
But how could she really forget about him? He was her soul mate. The kind of love that they shared was one for the storybooks; so pure and boundless, intense and passionate. It was the type of love you'd give anything to have, the type of love worth dying for. Or so Bella had thought. She was ready to give up humanity for Edward, to live life as an immortal, by his side, for eternity. And if she were being honest with herself, she still longed for a life by his side, despite the fact that he didn't love her.
The scar was a few degrees colder than her normal temperature and it brought back a wave of memories from their time together. She didn't think she would ever be able to feel a cold surface without being reminded of his touches.
His cold granite-like skin was like heaven to her. His touches had always set her skin on fire, sending electricity shooting through her veins. She wanted that feeling back, knowing full well that she would never get it.
Thinking about him caused the hole in her heart to ache, throbbing with an intensity that only his leaving could bring. It was like the feel of wind passing through an open wound; it stung with such a force that it nearly knocked her over. She gasped for air, hoping in vain that Charlie did not hear it.
She didn't let herself think about him often. Getting lost in thoughts of him was not an indulgence she could afford. The loss of Edward was too painful to bear, and she knew that time would not heal her wounds. So thinking about him now, was like a thousand piercing stabs to her already destroyed heart.
Not wanting her father to see the agony on her face, Bella kissed him goodnight and made her way upstairs. He looked after his daughter with sadness in his eyes, as she walked up the stairs, wishing there was something he could do to take her pain away. But he knew that he could do nothing to heal her.
She followed her feet to the bathroom where her clothes for the night would be and got ready for another night filled with nightmares and screaming. It upset her to know that her father was going through this with her. She hated that her nightly terrors brought him to her bedside, holding her and soothing her until her sobs would subside. But she couldn't help the images that ran through her head in her unconscious state. Seeing him leave her over and over again in her dreams was pure torture, a torture that she couldn't escape.
Looking at herself in the mirror she didn't recognize the girl staring back at her. It was a tormented, beaten down version of her former self. There was no life left in her. Her skin was ghostly white, her eyes empty and sunken in with the lack of sleep, and her body frail with her malnutrition. It wasn't that she didn't want to eat, but it was simply that she could keep nothing down.
His absence had taken over every aspect of her life. Her grades had slipped, most of her friends wouldn't even speak to her anymore, and her father had even threatened to send her away for help at one point.
She couldn't bring herself to care about any of those things though. Without Edward, nothing mattered. Life wasn't worth living if he wasn't there to share it with. Of course, she would never take her own life, but that didn't mean that she had to enjoy the time that she spent on this earth without him.
Bella pushed open her door and froze only five steps into her room. She stared at her bed for an immeasurable moment in time. There upon her pillow were flowers and an envelope. There was only one person who could enter her room without being noticed. Edward.
Her heart began to pound loudly and her breathing was becoming shallow. She could feel the tears begin to sting her eyes. What was he doing here?,she thought. He had said he would never come back.
She forced her feet to move, bringing her closer and closer to the bed. Everything around her seemed to move in slow motion. She picked up the flowers and upon closer inspection, noticed that there were three; a bleeding heart, an almond blossom, and a rose. They didn't quite go together, but they were exquisite. They were, of course, perfect. The stems of the flowers were cut precisely, the colors bright, and not a single petal was withered. They were exactly the kinds of flowers Edward would leave.
She allowed the tears to flow freely down her face, not daring to wipe them away. Miraculously the ache in her heart was not unbearable. Maybe knowing that he was back healed the wound a little bit. Even if she could not have him the way that she wanted him, it brought a sense of happiness to her that she had not felt since his departure, to know that he was back.
She picked up the envelope that simply had Bella written on the front, in his perfect handwriting. She would recognize it anywhere.
With shaking hands she opened it and slid the contents out of the envelope. It was a letter, one that she was not sure she could handle, but needed to read none-the-less. She unfolded the scrap of paper and began reading. The words washed over her like a warm blanket.
My Dearest Bella,
I'm sure that you are wondering why I have written you this letter. I know that I promised never to return, to leave it so it was as if I never existed, but I simply cannot stay away any longer. I am a poor excuse for a man for even allowing myself to put this burden on you, but I need to express to you the regret that I feel; the pain and sorrow that courses through me every day of my pathetic life. This letter is my sorry attempt to beg for your forgiveness.
Words cannot adequately describe how much you mean to me, my Bella. Your love alone gave my existence meaning; it gave me hope. A hope that I never had before you came along. The fact that a creature as magnificent as you could possibly love me was beyond my comprehension. I never fully understood what you saw in me. I am a monster, and I am not deserving of the kind of happiness that you evoke in me. But I accepted it all the same, because that is just the kind of selfish being that I am.
When I left you that day in the woods, it was the single most excruciating moment of my life, even more painful than that first day in Biology. Leaving you was unbearable. Hurting you was worse. The pain I feel every day could only be eclipsed by the pain of thinking I had nearly lost you that day back in Phoenix; a day that will haunt me for eternity.
Seeing the heartache I caused you broke me and I have not since recovered from it. Being without you is too much to endure. Without you, my life has no meaning; I have no purpose. My heart aches to be near you every second of the day, if only for a moment. The pieces of my shattered heart are so small that they could be passed through the eye of a needle.
I told you that I no longer loved you, but that was a lie. The worst lie I have ever told. It was pure blasphemy. It is the most regrettable moment of my existence. To watch your face as the realization of my words sunk in nearly brought me to my knees. To think that you could believe me so easily, that you could ever doubt my love for you, was simply astonishing. I did not think that you had so little faith in my love for you. That in it's self causes a hurt on an entirely different level.
I need you to know that my love for you remains. It is a constant in my life; a never fading fire within me that could never be extinguished. Even if I cease to exist, my love will linger, never dying. I loved you then, I love you now, and I always will. Never doubt that, my love. It hurts more than you know that I had to convince you otherwise. That is a pain I will never forget, and a regret I will never be able to make up for.
My love for you is so strong that it drove me away when I did not want to leave your side. The incident at your birthday was the tipping point. The thought of losing you is a heart wrenching feeling, but losing you because of my place in your life, well, that was something that I just could not live with. I could not lose you because my world was too dangerous for our love. I could not be the reason for your eventual demise.
I told myself that I could bear the heartache of being without you as long as it meant that you would be safe. My love for you was and is so strong that I left to give you a normal life. No matter how much it pained me to do so, I needed to leave you behind. You deserve a normal life; one without me, and the evils that I bring. You deserve everything the world has to offer. You deserve everything that I cannot give you.
I had hoped that you would forget about me and move on. Perhaps find a loving husband and have a happy family. It hurts to know that I could never give that to you. I wish with everything that I am that I could give you the family that you deserve, but it is not within my power to do so. And as much as I wished for you to forget about me, the selfish part of me hopes that you have not.
I thought that I was strong enough to stay away from you, to let you live a normal life, but I realize now that I am not. I cannot live without you by my side. I miss you like the sun misses the flower; like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter. Instead of beauty to direct its light to, my heart hardens like the frozen world your absence has banished me to.
I pray that you have not moved on, that perhaps there is a sliver of hope that you still might love me. I will gladly beg for your forgiveness for the rest of my days, if you would only give me a second chance. I know I do not deserve it, and I would not blame you for turning me away, but I swear that I will spend eternity proving myself worthy of your love, if you allow me that chance.
You are everything to me. You are my life, my heart, my very reason for existing. I did not believe that a creature such as I would have a soul, but I now know that I do have one. It is you. You are my soul. You are the essence of everything that is good and pure in me. And without my soul, without you, my life has no worth. I wander throughout this non-life with no direction, no purpose. I am nothing, and I may as well cease to exist.
Hope guides me, it is what gets me through the day and the night. Hope that you may find it in your heart to allow me another chance. I long for the day that I will once again have you in my arms and be able to look upon your beautiful face. Not a day goes by that I don't miss your body molded into mine, the touch of your warm skin, the feel of your lips, and the sensations that your kisses bring. You are and always were the better part of me.
My love for you is unwavering and will never die. You have always had my heart, Bella. I left it behind with you that day, and it will never belong to another. I leave the decision up to you. If you see fit to let me back into your life, leave your window open tonight. If the answer is no and the window remains shut, I will not blame you for your decision. I know that I have hurt you. It is a knowledge that I live with every day. And you'll never know how sorry I am for that. I don't expect your forgiveness, but I hope for it. I love you, Bella Swan, for all of eternity.
With all the love that I possess, I remain, now and forever,
Edward waited with bated breath in the forest just outside Bella's home. He could hear her sobs rack through her body. Her agony ripped through him, and he very nearly wept himself. He did not know if she would forgive him, and he certainly wouldn't blame her if she didn't. But Edward realized over the past few months that his leaving was the biggest mistake he had ever made. He could not live without her, no more than a human could live without air. She was his air, the reason that he lived each day.
He did not dare enter her room. He did not know if she even wanted to see him, but he needed to let her know how he felt, and that is why he left the letter. He only hoped that she would accept him back into her life.
Along with the letter he left three flowers; a rose, an almond blossom, and a bleeding heart. He didn't know if she would understand their meaning, but to Edward they spoke volumes. The rose signified his undying love for her, the almond blossom hope for the future, and the bleeding heart represented his regret. The deep regret for all the pain and sorrow that he had caused.
Edward had never felt such pain before. Letting Bella go was piercing. As soon as she was out of his sight that day, he crumpled to the forest floor, dry sobs quaking through is body. He had never felt anything so agonizing and he knew then that the pain would never subside. It would remain with him for all of his days. And it only intensified as the days turned into weeks, and the weeks into months.
He barely hunted; secluding himself to a little hovel he called an apartment. He left his family when he left Bella, and never returned or answered any of their phone calls. Without Bella in his life, everything else was pointless.
Every day that he was gone he waged war on himself; fighting internal battles about whether he should return to his beloved or let her be. The rational side told him she would be better off, but the selfish side, the one that Edward had only recently acquired since Bella came into his life, begged for him to go back to her. How tempting it was, the thought of returning to Bella. But he could not do that to her. He had to be strong enough to stay away so that she could be safe.
It was a constant, daily struggle on his part to stay away, but eventually it became too much for him to bear. He knew his life would never be the same without her, and he didn't want to see what he would turn into if he didn't go back. She was his salvation, his home, and he could no longer stay away from her.
Edward untangled himself from his crouch on the sodden forest floor, wondering briefly if she would indeed open her window to him. Although, he was well aware that he did not deserve her forgiveness.
He walked to the edge of the woods, ready to wait all night if he had to, when he stopped short, frozen in place. He gazed up at the second story of the Swan residence, where Bella's room was.
The scene before him was like a beacon calling to him; it was calling him home to the love of his existence. She had forgiven him. She was giving him another chance. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. It was an open window.
A/N: I really hoped you guys liked it. I'm very proud of this one. Please review and let me know what you think. I truly enjoy getting reviews.
Also, I don't know if you guys recognized any of the lines in the letter, but a few were from one of my favorite movies. They were from A Knight's Tale.