Spoilers: All of Season 1
Warnings: If you watch the show, you can read this
Disclaimers: I don't own anything
Word Count: 1868
Summary: 50 Sentence/1 Theme each challenge from livejournal set Gamma. All Jax/Tara season 1. I suppose I should warn you that run-on sentences and comma abuse run rampant, but when you only have one sentence each you do what you have to do.
Tara swallows the lump in her throat and pushes down the rising bitterness as she looks at her left hand that wouldn't still be bare if she hadn't left all those years ago.
With each brush of his lips and caress of his hands she hears you're safe, you're safe, you're safe.
Her arms are wrapped tightly around him as the bike winds through Charming, and she tries to lose herself in a past where she was a girlfriend on the back of a bike and not a woman running from a mistake.
Tara can't figure out what label to put on her role in Jax's life these days and sometimes the word mistress lingers a little too long in the back of her mind.
I'm not, I'm not she thinks of Jax's accusations that she's running, but Tara knows there's a chance that it's probably going to hurt too much if she stays.
She went to work everyday, grocery shopped on Sundays, and all it took was one look at Jax striding purposefully down the hospital corridor and her carefully built walls crumbled down around her.
Yeah Gemma, Tara thinks as she stares at the image that sometimes feels burned into her skin in the locker room mirror, some things don't change.
She likes the coolness of the wood against her palms as she lowers herself to sit on the floor because Jax is gone and in this too familiar room all Tara wants to feel is something new.
Sometimes when she looks down at her hands, instead of seeing pale, creamy flesh all Tara can see is red, red blood and she knows that Jax was wrong when he said that she didn't.
She went to a few parties in college, but the frats had nothing on nights at the Club and as she takes another pull from her beer it annoys her to think of how well Wendy must have fit in here and how much Tara isn't sure she wants to.
The fourth time she starts to trace the J-o-h-n on his arm, Jax wakes and pulls her underneath him and uses his body to chase away the doubts and fears that won't let her sleep.
Looking down at the blood he left behind on her scrubs isn't enough to completely bury the desire Tara has to follow him and help him wash away the rest.
Opening the bathroom door all Tara can do for a moment is stare at him lying there in bed with his shirt off waiting for her, and she has no idea how she stayed away for so long.
"Can't get used to losing you"… it isn't until Jax is lying still beside her that it registers, and he doesn't stop her when she gets up and throws it, speakers and all, against the wall.
Tara has nice, pretty things to sleep in, but she kept his t-shirt because nothing feels better against her skin when he isn't.
He's on top of her, all-around her, and inside of her and she swears that he's the only thing keeping her together when she comes undone.
Maybe it's wrong to kiss him here, but when Jax says, "Yeah," it feels like an answer, an ending, and a beginning.
Some nights she stays late to feed Abel and sitting in the rocker, the noise of the hospital fades away and it always takes a minute to ground herself back into a reality where Abel isn't hers… and neither is Jax.
He was always a small flicker of a flame in her heart when she was gone, but ever since she's been back it's turned into a slow burn and as it grows and grows Tara doesn't know if she's going to be able to deal when it gets put out.
Staring at Abel, Tara watches the tiny chest that she helped make sure would continue to rise and fall and thinks that at least all her years away were good for something.
Tara watches the front door close behind him and as she stares down at the newly exposed wood floor and clean white walls she wants to run after him and beg him not to leave her alone because sometimes the silence is just too loud.
Everything was vocal and loud when they were 17, but now at almost 30 I missed you is his arms squeezing around her middle, I need you is his forehead resting against hers, and please stay is his lips on her shoulder, the inside of her wrist, the top of her foot, her ankle, the back of her knee, and the ink on the small of her back.
Lying alone in her bed Tara wonders if she would finally feel cleansed and absolved if it all just went up in flames.
It's a ridiculous comparison, but if Jax can put a bullet in a man's brain for her than Tara can take one out of an Irishman laid out on a pool table for him.
When she tells him she's leaving, she sees the second he covers up his hurt with anger and she's glad for the bruising force behind his kiss because it seems like all she ever does is cause him pain.
Gemma might be an over-bearing bitch, but she's an over-bearing bitch that's right, and that knowledge makes Tara's blood freeze because she knows that she has to let Jax go.
She's the mother of his child Tara thinks as she slides to the floor, and the tears start to come as she realizes that tonight Jax has made a choice and it wasn't her.
He's a father, a husband, and more a part of SAMCRO than he was eleven years ago, but it all slips away and he's just hers, hers, hers when he pushes her up against the bedroom door, her hands gripping his shoulders, and her legs locked tight around his waist.
Jax is leaning over her, and his hand is sliding his t-shirt up and off of her, and Tara instantly remembers these familiar moves and thinks that maybe this time she can teach him a step or two.
She brushes her hand against the wound on his thigh and it aches knowing that he will have another scar on his body because of her to go along with the ones she already put on his heart.
It's like a knife to the heart when she sees the tattoo on Wendy's arm, but Tara knows she's the one that walked away… so why does it still feel like betrayal?
Tara can hardly admit it to herself as she sits in the hospital waiting room telling Jax she's going back to Chicago that really she's just begging him to give her a reason to stay.
She feels 17 again when everything was Jax, Jax, Jax, and Tara isn't sure if she's strong enough to stop it from happening again… or if she even wants to.
"Doc," Jax says, and Tara remembers when she was baby, honey, beautiful, and her name came out whispered against her skin in gasps and moans.
It wouldn't work if he was some clean-cut doctor or businessman because it's the calluses on his palms, the smell of gasoline, and the feel of his shaggy blonde hair against her skin that creates the heat that settles low in her belly.
A nervous giggle escapes her lips watching Jax swagger down the hall to her and it's hard for even Tara to believe that the blonde-haired, blue-eyed biker boy once belonged to this quiet, all too serious doctor.
Do you love me? Jax asked, and Tara knows that the answer is as heartbreakingly simple as the question.
If they ever say those vows, Tara isn't sure she will be able to choke out the words til death do us part, because in this life there's a good chance his will come long before hers and Tara knows there will never be another.
There's a baby in the hospital, a wife in rehab, and a body in the desert, and when Jax's arms come around her it's almost one more thing that Tara just doesn't know how to handle.
Wendy, Wendy, Wendy is in the back of her mind and almost as if he knows, she hears "Tara" whispered against her ear right before his tongue slides along her collarbone and his fingers trace down her stomach, and after that it's just touch and feel.
Tara has no idea what she is waiting for sitting here with Wendy and Gemma because if Jax walks through that door, Tara has no illusions that he's going to come to her.
Charming isn't that big of a town and Tara tried not to listen to the rumors and gossip surrounding her return… especially the one that said she came back for a married man.
Tara will never be able to admit it out loud, but the answer she was always looking for was Josh dead, and somewhere deep down she always knew that Jax would be the one holding the gun.
Her hope and innocence has been slowly seeping away since her mother died when she was 11, and the bullet to the head from the gun she put in Jax's hands took what was left.
Right and wrong, past and present, it's all twisted and tangled in her mind now and it gets worse with every smile, kiss, and touch.
She managed without him for over ten years, but Tara knows that she needs him now to catch her when she falls or she's going to hit the floor.
The roads wind and curve, twist and turn leading into Charming, and Tara can't help but think how fitting that is.
Something stirs in Tara as she hands him his son to hold for the first time and as she stares at the blue bundle in Jax's arms, Tara immediately silences the thought in the back of her mind that asks, why aren't they mine?
This is his life, she thinks as she spots him striding down the cemetery lane and when she places the cut on his shoulders and his eyes fix onto hers she knows, it's ours.
It was an innocent kiss on the cheek and she knows that he didn't think anything of it when he placed his hand at her waist and brushed his lips against her skin, but Tara's heart is pounding and her breath is stolen and it isn't until this simple moment that Tara knows she came back for him.