This is a follow-up of sorts to A Bit of A Let Down in that both are parodies of a certain type of fic that I've found a few too many times in this website, but you can definitely read one without the other.
This whole opening conversation grew out of my desire to use "And then I got attacked by the evil penguins" in a fic. Beast Boy is so much fun.
The Titans aren't mine. Sadly, their "sisters" are. Sort of. You can have them, if you want. I also don't own Gollum or the Wicked Witch of the West's death line. You'll see.
"…And then I got attacked by the evil penguins—"
"So what you're trying to say," Robin interrupted Beast Boy, "is that he escaped?"
"Well, yes," Beast Boy conceded, "but—"
"Beast Boy," Robin groaned, "it was Doctor Light!"
"I know," Beast Boy said, "but the penguins, Robin! The evil penguins were on his side!"
"Please, friend Beast Boy," Starfire said, "do not penguins live exclusively in the Arctic Circle?"
"They were mutated penguins," Beast Boy explained. "That's why they were evil."
"Doctor Light mutated a bunch of penguins?" Raven asked skeptically.
"No, see, someone else mutated the penguins and then they joined the fight. They actually weren't so much on Doctor Light's side as they were fighting against me. I'm not quite sure why they hated me, but—"
Thankfully for Robin's headache, he was interrupted by a knock on the door. Of course, the person who was knocking would give him an even bigger headache, but the Titans didn't know that.
"Okay, how many people do we know who could get to the island without tripping the alarm and who would actually knock?" Cyborg asked.
"I can't think of anyone," Robin admitted, "but we should probably see who it is."
The door opened to reveal a girl with long, straight black hair wearing a skintight red top with green short sleeves, green gloves, green tights, a yellow belt, a black and yellow cape, black steel-toed boots, and a black domino mask. In short, Robin as a girl.
"Hi," she said brightly, oblivious to the stares she was receiving, "I'm Robina, Robin's almost-identical twin—that means we're exactly the same except that I'm a girl and smarter and a better gymnast and a better detective and better at beating people up and not stupid about my emotions—but we were separated when our parents died, and I just recently decided for no apparent reason that it was time to see my baby brother again so when I heard about the Teen Titans I decided to come meet you."
The Titans could perhaps have found some meaning in that phenomenal run-on sentence, but the girl/creature began speaking again almost immediately. "Then, when I was on my way here, I met these, like, awesome girls. Here, come meet them!" She stepped forward, and the Titans realized for the first time that there were four girls standing behind her.
"Hello," the girl who looked like Raven in a darker cloak said with absolutely no emotion or inflection in her voice, "I am Owlet. (1) I am very much like her, except more dark and depressed and the like, a least until I meet my soul mate, at which point I will immediately stop being emo. I have every single one of her powers, but I'm better at using them. I'm also utterly terrified of Trigon, which will allow my soul mate to comfort me."
"Greetings, oh friendly friends whom I love with all my heart and soul and life and being," the girl who looked like Starfire in a pink outfit chirped, "it is so pleasant to be doing the introducing with all of you! I am Sunfire, Starfire's sister who is faster than she is and stronger than she is and has more powerful beams of the green energy than she does and who Robin will immediately fall in love with because I, unlike my sister, will not hesitate to tell him of my affections and love and eternal devotion. Can we go to the mall of shopping? May I cook something that will probably eat you? Do you have any mustard for me to drink?"
"Yo, girl, step aside and let me do the talking." The next girl looked very much like Cyborg, except less muscular and more… female. "I'm Cyborgette," she began, rapping to a beat coming from the loudspeakers in her shoulders, "I'm Cyborg's little sister and I'm better than him; I'll outshine him in everything he does. I'll do everything he does, but I'll do it better, and everyone will love me, 'cause I rock like that. Yo."
The fifth and final girl had green skin, pointed ears, and pointed teeth. "Like, hi, like, everybody. Like, I'm, like, Beast, like, Girl, like, Beast, like, Boy's, like, favorite, like, sister. Like, okay, like, I'm, like, his, like, only, like, sister, like, but, like, who, like, cares? Like, anyway, like, I, like, can, like, also, like, transform, like, into, like, any, like, animal, like, but, like, I, like, do, like, it, like, better, like, than, like, he, like, does. Like, I, like, don't, like, care, like, if, like, that's, like, a, like, logical, like, impossibility, like, it's, like, Fanfiction. Like, it's, like, not, like, supposed, like, to, like, make, like, sense. Like, what, like, was, like, I, like, talking, like, about? Like, oh, like, well, like, it, like, probably, like, didn't, like, matter, like." She paused for a moment and looked around at the Titan's uncomprehending faces. "Like," she added for good measure. (2)
"So, basically," Robin said after a long moment, "you all claim to be our sisters. You're almost exactly like us, but better in every way?"
Robina nodded. "Yep," she said. "Basically."
Robin rubbed his temple. He was definitely getting a migraine. "Okay," he said, "let's take this one step at a time.
"Robina: You cannot be my sister, because I am an only child. Even if I were not, how can I be both your twin brother and your 'baby brother'? Ignoring that, if we were separated when our parents died, that would mean you wouldn't have been taken in by Batman, so you never would have learned hand-to-hand combat, detective work, or anything useful in crime fighting except acrobatics, and you wouldn't know that Robin was your brother. (3) Oh, and there's no such thing as an almost-identical twin.
"Owlet: Raven is an only child. (4) And really, soul-mate?
"Sunfire: Star has two siblings: Blackfire has dark hair and is an evil genius. Wildfire is a boy. You are clearly neither of these. Okay, you act a lot like Blackfire, but you're not smart enough, and your hair is too red. Also, even if you were from Tamaran, that wouldn't mean you could fire starbolts. Starfire and Blackfire got that ability because of experiments that were done on them; they weren't born with it. And please, drop the clichés.
"Cyborg…ette: Again, Cyborg is an only child. Also, he was born a perfectly normal person. The mechanical parts were added after he was nearly killed in an accident; they keep him alive. There is absolutely no reason that any sibling of his would be a Cyborg.
"Beast Girl: Beast Boy is also an only child. Additionally, Beast Boy was also born normal. His powers—and his unusual features—were a side effect of an experimental cure that saved his life. I don't think you've ever been bitten by a green monkey, so you would never get the powers, nor would you look like that.
"Is there anything I just said that you didn't understand?"
Soon after Robin began his monologue, the Titan's "sisters" had begun to squirm. As the speech progressed, they began to look more and more uncomfortable. Then their skin began to bubble. By the time Robin finished, all five were screaming in agony as their bodies began to lose any coherent shape.
"Like, this, like, is, like, totally, like, not, like, what, like, I, like, expected, like!" (5)
"Yo yo yo! Stop using reason, yo!"
"The logic! It burns! It buuuurns us, precious!"
"This is most unpleasant!"
"I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world! Who would have thought that a good little boy like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness. Oh! Ooooohhhhhhh!"
Then they were gone, transformed into five pools of corrosive acid which burned right through the floor.
"I have this sudden, intense urge to start singing 'Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead' right now," Robin confessed, "and that scares me."
Cyborg cursed. "It's gonna take forever to fix the floors."
"That was… odd," Raven said.
Starfire nodded. "I am glad that Robin was able to rid us of those females," she added, "or I would have been forced to deal with them personally."
"Okaay," said Beast Boy, "does that mean that you're not mad at me anymore?"
Before Robin could answer, there was another knock on the door.
"Do we have to open the door?" Raven asked.
"Uh, guys?" Cyborg said, looking out the window, "I think you should see this."
Strange girls were everywhere: swimming through the water, crossing it on boats, flying through the air. Their leader looked exactly like Bumblebee with her hair down.
"Hi," she called. "My name is Wasp…"
1: Well, owls are nocturnal… It sounds like someone was trying to be creepy and failed utterly, doesn't it? It was that or "Crow," but that sound like a boy's name, so...
2: Translation: "Hi, everybody. I'm Beast Girl, Beast Boy's favorite sister. Okay, I'm his only sister, but who cares? Anyway, I can also transform into any animal, but I do it better than he does. I don't care if that's a logical impossibility, it's Fanfiction. It's not supposed to make sense. What was I talking about? Oh well, it probably didn't matter. Like"
3: Unless she recognized his acrobatics, but that's not the point.
4: This is cartoon-canon, not comic-canon, so I can ignore the sons of Trigon. They're irrelevant, anyway.
5: Translation: "This is totally not what I expected!"
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