''Grieve''

Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS. But I do own the character '' aunt Angy''

It is an angst story so, you have been warned. No main character death

This story is written in the memory of my aunt who passed away lately and affected me heartily … may her soul rest in peace

It was a normal day at the bullpen …They had just finished a case lately and had only paper work left to do

Tony was sitting and his legs left on the desk and the pile of cases' folders cramming at his desk

He was practicing his paper throwing skills at McGee who ignored him and typed furiously away on his keyboard trying to finish his work

Ziva, on the other hand, looked annoyed and board by the paper work she has and even annoyed more as her computer would not follow her command

Gibbs was missing apparently on a coffee request mission as usual

Tony shifted his position on his chair to face Ziva more. He started throwing papers at Ziva who caught the first paper ball without even glancing and crushed it in her hand

She threw it in the dust bin next to her saying '' Do it again DiNozzo and it will be the last thing you do with that hand ''

Tony weighed the action and the outcome in his head and decided that his hand is far too precious than to threw papers at Ziva, although, the look of amusement on Ziva's face was priceless

Tony enjoyed annoying Ziva and she seemed to like it

He always that look of mischievous on her face when he did something that gets on her nerves

However, Tony was not feeling well today... he felt that something wrong is going to happen but he just welled that feeling to go away… ever since he woke up today, his ''gut'' just told him that something was going to be very wrong

Tony was still swimming in his own pool of thoughts when Gibbs returned with four cups of coffee in his hand

Tony snapped him out of his reverie, he stood up and said ''new case, boss? ''

Gibbs stared at him scanning the look of longing to do something instead of swimming in his own thoughts .it was something Gibbs also wanted to do all day

''No, DiNozzo... You still have your paper work to finish'' Gibbs said while sitting down on his own chair

Tony huffed and sat back at his chair, he started shuffling and playing with the folders thinking of how much paper work would it take him to finish all of those cases

Tony gave up playing paper throwing as Gibbs now was sitting at his desk, he started working on his cases writing and finishing as much as he can for about half an hour when his phone rang

None of his co-workers looked up from their work as the phone rang

It rang twice before Tony picked it up and said '' Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo… ''

''Yes … when… how … ok … ok … thanks...Yeah…thank you for calling me ''

During that phone call, Ziva looked sideways to find Gibbs staring at Tony for a fraction of a second then pretends to go back to his work when Tony hung up

McGee on the other hand was giving Tony sideway glances but failed to know what was going on

Tony took a deep breath and then his face wore a blank expression, he got up and then said '' excuse me guys, nature calls ''

They all knew that he was trying to hide something; he went down the hall and disappeared

Ziva and McGee exchanged acknowledging look and then both looked at Gibbs who stared back at them and then stood up, walked away the same direction Tony took to the restrooms

Ziva felt that it must be something really back to make Tony unable to control his feelings that he goes to the bathroom, she was both eager and dreading to know what happened

McGee on the other hand felt that it must be something about a girlfriend or so what else could it be he thought to himself

Tony walked away from the bullpen not exactly feeling where he is going he just felt that he needed to be alone for a while to rerun what he heard on the phone and believe it actually happened

He ended up in the men's room as he said he would, he entered and found no one there but he needed to be sure to be alone and that no one would see him in the state he would be in as long as the information he is denying is affirmed

He opened one of the cubicles' door, entered there and closed the door

Tony sat down and felt grieve and sadness wash over him

How could that happen? The one person that was left for him in the world was gone.

The one person who really cared for him and loved him for just him was gone

Tony began to feel dizzy and pretty much in shock, he want some one to tell him that it is all nothing but a very bad dream

For what seemed like years to Tony he sat there thinking

Tony sat there tears falling from his green eyes which were turning reddish and rolling over his cheek , he did not even bother to weep them away, he just wanted to close his eyes and open them again to find none of that really happened

He leaned his head back to the wall and closed his eyes which were releasing now a lot of grieving tears, started to sob in a very small voice then he started sobbing uncontrollably ,he knew that the restroom was empty as he did not hear anyone entering . His sobbing now was frequent; he felt anger wash over him … he felt that it was his entire fault

She was the really one who really cared for him and now she was gone and away where he cannot have her back

Tony was now getting angrier by the minute, his breathing became deeper and incoherent...his lungs would never help him since he had that damn pneumonic plague

Tony now was raging, he felt like hitting something to make him hurt to punish himself.

He clenched his fist and started hitting the wall in front of him with his right fist, it made a cracking noise at the severe impact of his fist on the solid orange wall , but he did not care , he was way out of his senses now , Tony could only feel the guilt and anger rising in him .''Bastard '' He said while hitting his right fist against the wall again, but this time blood poured out of his now bleeding hand. Tony did not even notice the blood on his fist as he hysterically raised both his fists now and started hitting the wall as a punching bag only that his hands was the one getting hurt not the solid wall.

He kept swearing and cursing himself while hitting the wall , crying all in the same time. He was about to hit his head against the wall in his burst out, when the door of his cubicle opened , which he stood with his back to it , and a tall man with the building of military trained marine came in .

The man grabbed both Tony's shoulders and prevented his head from meeting the wall.

Tony was now turning dangerously angry, who dares to hold him like that and prevents him from doing whatever he wanted to do?

Tony went for a swing and wanted to punch the man who held him, but could not as the man's grip tightened preventing him from making shift or move

Tony inhaled a couple of time before the man's grip eased a bit , but that was a wrong move as Tony turned and was about to try another punch at whomever stood in front of him .he was totally blinded with fury and guilt

This time Tony succeeded in turning around to face his opponent, but felt to take the hit again as the man's reflexes were very acute

He held Tony's bleeding fists firmly but gently, Tony all of a sudden woke up from his raging state and realized that he was trying to take a hit at his boss

Tony's grieving angry eyes met with Gibbs sympathizing questioning blue eyes. A look Tony has to admit that he never saw before in his boss's firm gazes

Tony tried to shrug him off and be by himself but he knew that Gibbs is far away from letting him go

Tony's anger was rising again from the recollection of why he was there it's all your fault that she is dead

'' Let go off me Gibbs'' Tony said, anger apparent in his voice, Gibbs knew better than that. He had never seen his senior field agent act like that before even in the most distressful situations, he had never seen his emotions so raw before. Gibbs knew that something really dear to Tony must be lost Judging by the way Tony reacted and it must be something really rare as he never speaks about any thing personal. Gibbs knew that it must not be a girlfriend as Tony only fools around with girls and never lasts in a long commitment. He concluded that it cannot be his dad as he never mentions him in his conversations .who could it be? Who would turn his senior agent into that wreck he is now? Gibbs could only wonder for a fraction of a second

Gibbs felt Tony shift his load under his firm grip, he could feel the anger rising again in Tony's chest, how can he deal with that

'' Let me go, Gibbs '' Tony said again but this time his voice was high and full of extreme fury ''let me... gooo '' Tony now shouted at Gibbs who only kept firm grip over both Tony's fists that now was on his hand and shirt

Tony's face turned red as he could not get red of Gibbs why do not he just let me grieve my lose alone? He was boiling now, he could not bear her lose, not her, anyone but her, hell, he would die if it means that she stays alive. Tony struggled hard in Gibbs's arms and managed to break one hand loose and tried to free the other, but failed.

Gibbs went for the only solution that could make Tony calm down , he let go his both hands , but before Tony could do anything else Gibbs held him close in a strong embrace

Gibbs could feel the tension in Tony's body and how stiffed when he gave him one of Abby's hugs, while Tony was in shock of both the hug his boss is giving him and the grieve inside him that is destroying him

Gibbs grabbed Tony's head and pushed it on his shoulder saying '' let it out, Tony ''

At this moment Tony could not hold himself any longer, he found someone to tell about his loss, he cried and sobbed and shouted into Gibbs' shoulder

'' It's ok Tony, it's gonna be alright '' was all what Gibbs managed to say as he felt Tony's grieve as his own. It all brought memories when Shannon and Kelly died and the grieve that overwhelmed him that he got drunk every night just to sleep through the night.

Tony's bleeding fists clenched into Gibbs' shoulders as he poured his heart contents; he wanted to tell him, he wanted to tell the man who he thought to be the father that he never had. He wanted to tell him that now he was the only family left for him.

''My aunt…'' Tony started between his sobs '' my mother's sister died '' Tony said that and could bear the sound of his own words and felt that it was turning into more reality when you say it out loud

Gibbs could not keep wondering why would his aunt be so important to him, and again Tony never spoke about his family

As if Tony was reading Gibbs's mind while he was still crying into his shoulder, he said '' my...My mother died when I was two …and my...my aunt Angy took care of me when my father on journeys …. Then... then. When I was twelve and my father disowned me …. She took me in and raised me up among her children as if I was one of hers … she encouraged me to work as a cop and be whomever I wanted to be ''

It now occurred to Gibbs why would Tony react like that, she was the only family left for hi and now she was gone

At this point, Tony calmed down and felt that anger leave his body and only grieve left there … he felt shallow... and empty … the last piece of a family was now gone

Tony now realizes that he has no one left to consider as family but Gibbs, the father he ever needed.

Tony's grip over Gibbs's shoulders tightened for a second to feel him and to get the insurance that he would be there when needed, but he did not want Gibbs to think how childish he is acting. On a second thought, he looks pretty much of a child now than ever but he still pulled his grip away , that move did not pass Gibbs unnoticed.

Tony and Gibbs broke a part, and Tony's eyes looked every where but Gibbs' eyes

''Hey... '' Gibbs said wanting to get Tony's attention, '' hey... Tony''

Tony's green grieving eyes met Gibbs's blue caring eyes; Tony saw the care of a father to his son that showed in Gibbs' eyes at that moment.

'' You still have got me …son '' Gibbs said that with the sincerest expressions he could have ever made

Tony's eyes became watery again but he managed to hold them this time and said '' Thanks … Jethro '' with a small smile in his face

Gibbs smiled back and soon Tony was giving one of his bright smiles but not really quiet bright this time, there was still grieve inside of him at the loss of his aunt, but he it felt good to find someone who he can turn to

Gibbs looked at Tony's fists that were still bleeding and the bones looked seriously out of place, both of their t-shirts were soaked in blood

They looked very missy and there was no way to clean their shirts or hide that they were involved in a fight

Tony started to realize what he made and suddenly it hit him how hard both his knuckles were hurt. He flinched as the pain pierced his hands as no more adrenaline was in his system

Gibbs noticed that flinch which Tony tried to hide.

''Tony... '' Gibbs alarmed Tony as he was swimming in his own thoughts trying to cover the pain he is feeling

Tony looked back at Gibbs '' yeah, boss?''

'' Go see Ducky, treat your hand, I will send Ziva with your spare t-shirt, then go home … I do not need you for the time being '' Gibbs said concerned that Tony might decide to stay which will only make him more stressed

Tony was grateful that Gibbs said that. He really needed more time to processes that news.

On the other hand, what will Ziva say when she is asked to send him his spare t-shirt at Ducky's morge? What will she think when she his hands wrapped in bandages? Who was going to tell her and McGee and Abby who would be hugging him non-stop? Tony did not feel that he could tell anyone right now and if he did, he would not be able to pull himself together himself. He did not want to look weak in front of his co-workers nor get sympathizing unnecessary glances.

As if Gibbs was reading his mind, he said '' I will tell Ziva, McGee, and Abby... But you should tell Ducky yourself '' Gibbs knew that Ducky can calm his agent down of seeing the whole picture with his fatherly kind tone. Gibbs then continued '' DiNozzo you are on a leave from work for a week starting now ''

'' But … '' Tony started but was cut by Gibbs '' I will handle the paper work ''

Tony made a small smile and nodded to Gibbs appreciating his comforting words

Gibbs nodded back willing him to go tread his injured fists. Tony started to move to the door, smiled to himself as he unlocked the door of the men's room and wondered how Gibbs could assume power over any where he go . He opened the door and looked back at Gibbs who gaze him one of his scanning gazing, testing if Tony was ok now.

'' Gibbs … thanks...for what you did earlier '' Tony said now embarrassed at how he acted '' and… uh … I know how you feel about apologizes but … I am sorry I ruined your t-shirt'' Gibbs replied by giving Tony one his smirking looks he gives Tony when he says the obvious.

Gibbs headed back to the bullpen, while Tony headed down into autopsy

He washed his hands from the blood that covered them, but his sleeves were covered with Tony's blood as well as his shoulders where Tony clenched his hand into his shoulders in his deep breakdown.

He reached the bullpen. McGee froze and his eyes widened at the sight of the blood that covered all over Gibbs' shirt. Ziva also was in a state of inner shock.

Gibbs finally met their gazes as he went to Tony's desk and opened the second drawer to find the spare shirt he needed hi to change to.

He stood there and said '' Tony has lost a very close family member of his; he is not a good state right now. So, do not discuss it with him or push him to talk about it unless he wants to do it. He will be on a leave for a weak '' Gibbs said that and went to his own desk to get his own spare shirt to change to.

'' Ziva''

'' Yes, Gibbs''

''Take this t-shirt to Tony in autopsy to change into it. You can drive him home if he wants to'' Gibbs told Ziva

'' Yes, Gibbs'' Ziva answered moving to take the shirt from Gibbs desk

'' And Ziva....''

'' Yes?''

'' Do not push him to talk '' Gibbs warned her giving her a meaningful stare

Ziva could swear that she saw some fatherly protective warning in his determined eyes

Ziva went down to autopsy to find Tony sitting on one of the tables with both his hands wrapped in bandages. He looked tired and sad. He also was having a very quite talk with Ducky that she chose not to hear. She cleared her throat and stepped into the room. Both of the men looked at her and she walked to where Ducky was standing by Tony.

'' I came to give you a new shirt to change into'' Ziva told Tony studying his wary look he wore in his face

'' Thank you Ziva'' said Tony and gave her a small smile that did not reach to his eyes

'' I also came to tell you that I would like to give you a ride home '' Ziva added as she felt that Tony was pushing her away

''Thanks Ziva but I think I can manage that'' Tony said looking at his injured hands

'' Well, Anthony I think that Ziva's idea is the best solution now, considering the current state of your sedated fists'' Ducky said interrupting the awkward moment Tony and Ziva had. They always were very alike; Tony would not admit his feelings and Ziva would not know how to show them even if she wanted to.

'' Okay'' Tony said declaring his defeat

Gibbs went down to Abby and told her of Tony's condition. She immediately was going to him, but was stopped firmly by Gibbs who explained to her in details what happened to convince her to leave Tony to his thoughts for now.

Tony went to the bullpen with Ziva to collect the rest of his things. He was met by McGee's sympathizing look which he really appreciated but could not bear.

'' Tony … I am really sorry for your loss '' McGee said sincerely

''Thanks Tim'' was all what Tony said as he packed his things

Ziva and McGee shared a knowledgeable gaze. Tony never calls McGee Tim unless it is something really serious.

Ziva and Tony got into the car and Ziva started driving away in the road.

She made side glances at the very unusually calm Tony and decided to just say it.

''Tony... are you ok? '' Ziva asked him expecting the I-am-fine answer

Tony sighed a bit and said '' I have seen better days Ziva''

Tony always liked to talk to Ziva. She was the closest thing to a long relationship he had in his life. She would understand she would push him in the right time and back away in the right time, so he decided to tell her.

'' My aunt died today, Zi, she was the one who raised me when my mother died. Without her, I would have been one of the criminals we arrest everyday'' Tony said sighing as held back his frustrated tears

Ziva now got the picture of why he looked that sad, he never mentioned his family which she concluded by not very good relationship. But now she understood that he only had an aunt that raised him and what would anyone think when he says '' my aunt said that, my aunt made this''

'' You know Ziva, it is good to tell someone than just shut down '' he said looking at Ziva with his tired eyes

''Yes it is Tony, and I will always be here to listen to you whenever you want to speak '' Ziva said happy that Tony is not pushing her away any more.

Tony on the other hand realized that he already had a family that cared for him. He knew now that they will always support him.

Gibbs is always the father he always wished for, McGee the younger brother he never had who he would play pranks on, and Abby the sister that always supported him. Tony contemplated more and thought about Ducky the loving grandfather. And finally Ziva, the girlfriend that he would never admit he had. She is his steady rock that urges him to do what he should do.

At that moment when Tony reflected on his unusual family, he just knew he would be fine.

That is it. I hope you liked it.

Sorry for the angst, but it just had been a very bad week as my aunt passed away and I had to take it out on a story.

I can make a sequel of the funeral if you want just make a review.

Thank you for reading be kind to review the story.

Yosem