Okey, I am SOOOOO sorry for the delay. I have my excuses, but they are pathetic, so i won't bother with them (unless any of you REALLY want to know, that is) But thanks to everyone who's reviewed! They are very muchly appreciated
Anyways, I tried to make this a good chapter, i put quite a bit in there, so
Disclaimer: After two months, I still don't own Twilight
"Why are you scared?"
"Huh?" I eased my eyes open as Jasper's voice sang through the silence. He was facing away from me, leaning against the wall with his head turned towards the window. His perfect features were once again bathed in the silver glow of the moon, although he now appeared to be deep in thought. His expression of worry was painfully obvious.
I was leaning against the same wall, sitting on the floor with my knees pulled to my chest. I felt a deep crease form along my forehead as I frowned and I attempted to relax it; unsuccessfully.
I hadn't caught Jasper's gaze anywhere near me since we left Carlisle in the woods, and we hadn't spoken to each other since entering Carlisle's study, nor had he even glanced away from the window. I stared at him for a few seconds but I knew he wasn't going to turn around, at least until I answered him, so I twisted my head the other way and rested it on my knees. I didn't speak.
"Why are you scared, Bella?" Jasper repeated.
I sighed and hugged my knees tighter, squeezing my eyes shut. "I'm not scared," I insisted, even though at that very moment I swear I could feel my heart thundering against my ribcage. It goes without saying really, but it was not a pleasant sensation.
Jasper let out a breath, quivering with irritation. "Just don't bother," he said softly. "Not only do I know you well enough to tell when you're lying, but your fear is practically battering me."
I had nothing to say to that. It's a very rare occurrence that I forget he feels my emotions just as badly as I do. In fact, I'm fairly sure I've never forgotten that before. It's always a thought lingering somewhere in the back of my mind, every time we're together.
He knows exactly what I'm feeling. He knows how I feel about everything he says to me.
That thought scared me - I'll admit, it did. But there were others that scared me far more.
He probably knows what I'm feeling before I do…
That was another slightly terrifying thought.
I stared down at my knees and sighed a simple, "oh", and shook my head in embarrassment. I didn't raise my eyes for another minutes or so and I was sure Jasper's gaze wouldn't have strayed from the window. But when I did look up he was knelt beside me. He had moved with the silence of a ghost, and he still made no noise - I heard not even the shallow sound of his breathing. I didn't flinch when I suddenly saw him at my side, nor did I answer his questioning expression. I sighed once more and shuffled towards him, resting my head on his arm. In truth, I fully expected him to move away from me; to say something about how much he loved Alice and that I shouldn't be doing this to Edward - something along those line, I suppose. But, as usual, he surprised me.
Jasper moved his arm around my shoulders and sat down beside me, keeping one leg bent to rest his other arm across it. He pulled me closer to him and kissed the top of my head; and he took hold of my hand, resting it on his knee with his.
I honestly don't think I've ever been so comfortable.
I rested my head against his chest and sighed peacefully. It was like resting my head on a marble floor, but I could almost imagine hearing the comforting sound of a heart beating in his chest. And I already felt calmer. Although it was definitely Jasper's doing, I wasn't sure whether it was more than just his being there for me. But I couldn't bring myself to care whether he was influencing my emotions or not.
And I think that feeling lasted for about fifteen seconds.
My eyes had been drifting closed, my minds slipping into unconsciousness despite the cold marble against my cheek. But I was abruptly fully awake; my eyes open widely as if something had smacked me across the head. All the reasons why I was afraid, they'd managed to drift from my thoughts; but now they all came rushing back into my head like they were powered through on a steam engine.
Jasper tensed suddenly. I could tell mostly because he had been gently rubbing his thumb against the back of my hand - he'd stopped the moment my eyes snapped open.
"They s-saw you," I stuttered. I turned my head to look at him, fully aware that his face was only inches from mine.
He didn't look confused, or curious. He understood completely. His eyes didn't leave mine as he nodded and muttered, "I know."
I gulped and slowly pulled my hand from his, but only so I could wrap my arms around his waist. "Will you have to leave?" I asked quietly.
Jasper paused briefly before answering. "Yes."
And I suddenly felt like a bowling ball was sitting in my throat. I swallowed hard but the feeling didn't fade at all - if anything, it made it worse.
"Won't…" I swallowed again. My mouth felt very dry all of a sudden. "Won't that make people more suspicious, more likely to look into-"
"Bella," Jasper interjected gently. He smiled at me and I saw the look in his eyes; it was familiar because I remember when Edward used looked at me like that. "Don't make excuses for us. Please, don't. I will have to leave this house, yes, and the school - we all will."
I opened my mouth to speak again but he cut me off with a chuckle.
Jasper raised his eyebrows and leant towards me. His voice was quiet when he spoke, but I didn't miss a word. "But I won't ever leave you."
There was a sudden ache in my chest at those words. I took in a trembling breath to ease the pain but it was still there, like someone was sitting on my chest. But I wasn't so stupid to wonder for long what caused this feeling. Jasper was smiling at me, the only person I would ever really need in my life, and I would always want to be with him. And that was what hurt. He would have to leave me. I wasn't going to be with him forever. He was going to leave, and then I would die - No matter what.
"I'll stay and keep you safe," he promised, kissing my head again. It almost felt as though his lips burnt me. "Is that all that you're scared of, Bella?" He asked quietly, playing with a strand of my hair in an absent-minded sort of way.
I smiled softly and forced back a wave of relentless tears. Jasper's face blurred for a few seconds through the water that glazed my eyes. I blinked the tears away and nodded. "Of course," I whispered.
Jasper frowned and his eyes trailed back to mine. He was about to speak, but his eyes suddenly darted towards the door. I was standing a moment later, upright without making any effort.
"Carlisle's here," Jasper announced, sounding annoyed. He was still holding me against him, his arms wrapped around me protectively as if Carlisle might attack me. The notion was ridiculous, of course, though.
I looked up at him and took in a shaking breath. "Don't worry," I said, smirking. "Carlisle won't eat me."
I remember, that night…was when everything changed.
Carlisle was stood by the window like a statue, his arms folded and his unblinking eyes watching me. I stood opposite him with the composure of a convicted criminal. I shuffled my feet uneasily, numerously scanning over the uninteresting floor with my eyes as I waited for him to speak. My feelings were similar to what it must be like to be assessed at a job interview; uncomfortable, nervous, slightly afraid…But I reminded myself that this was just Carlisle. I had no reason to be scared of him.
I turned my attention to the black sky outside the window. I immediately found myself thinking of Jasper. He was waiting outside somewhere for me, after losing the argument with Carlisle that he should stay. Apparently what he was going to say was for my ears only, however unacceptable we both were to the idea of separating again. That thought led me to Jamie. He had become one of my best friends, and I hated the image in my mind of his terrified face after he saw me fall. I wondered where he was now, and what rumours were being spread about Jasper and me. Everyone at that celebration saw him suddenly appear under the stairs and catch me. No human can move that fast. Then he steps outside and we both disappear.
Did Jamie see him run?
"Jasper told you, didn't he?"
Carlisle's question threw me off guard. I'd been lost in my thoughts and wasn't prepared to answer, but I wasn't going to lie either way. I just didn't have time to debate whether Jasper would have wanted me to.
"Yes," I answered quietly. "He told me."
Carlisle nodded once and blinked heavily. "You understand that there is no way to stop this?"
"But Jasper doesn't."
I paused, then nodded again.
Carlisle sighed and turned his head aside, staring outside. His pale face was bathed in the soft light of the moon, and suddenly he was Jasper; watching the night sky with a light smile that I could never tire of. He stood like that for a while, and it hurt. It hurt that I wasn't standing with him, holding him. He turned to me and spoke, but it was not Jasper's voice. "Alice has had another vision," Carlisle explained, breaking me out of my delirium. Because it was not Jasper by the window. He wasn't there anymore. "Bella?" Carlisle whispered. "Are you alright?" He spoke softly, like a doctor confessing the fate of a terminal patient. It was ironic, really. Ironic…and really, really sick.
I sucked in a breath and nodded sharply. "I'm…fine."
Carlisle's suspicion was evident by the look in his eyes, but he didn't question my response. "She won't tell Jasper," he said. "Not unless you want her to."
I turned my head aside and closed my eyes. I could see his face, his golden eyes, his smile…He was the only thought that remained constant in my mind. "I want to talk to him," I said slowly as my eyes drifted open again. I looked at Carlisle. "I have to tell him…"
Carlisle smiled and a small chuckle escaped his lips. "He knows, Bella."
I chuckled too, but not in the same, good-humoured way. "Then, I guess you all do." I sighed sadly. "Alice…?"
"Alice doesn't hate you for what you feel, if that is what you're thinking," Carlisle said, answering my exact thoughts.
I breathed out suddenly, unaware that I was even holding my breath. I would have expected Alice to react like any human, with utter rage and a longing for revenge. But I could feel my relief as if it were a physical being. I wasn't going to lose her…not yet, anyway.
Carlisle looked up at me. I wasn't sure it was even possible, but all of a sudden he looked older. "And she doesn't hate Jasper either, for what…he feels."
And all at once, the reality of everything Carlisle said hit me like bullets.
I found him ten minutes later laying across a tree branch, watching the slowly brightening sky. The grey clouds were already spreading across the sky, though; showing the true face of dark, dreary Forks.
He looked down at me and smiled. He may as well have punched me in the chest…because this was going to hurt so much.
Jasper swung himself off the branch and landed in a slight crouch, barely a metre ahead of me. I could feel the tears forming in my eyes already but I blinked then back before Jasper looked up again. He straightened up and took a step forward before pulling me into his arms. I swallowed and returned his embrace; even so, I couldn't let myself think of him. Because I so wanted for this to be my home, with Jasper. I would stay with him forever if the chance was presented to me; a chance that didn't result in me ruining the somehow peaceful existence of the Cullens. They had their life, and I wouldn't ruin it; and I wouldn't keep hurting Jasper.
I drew away from Jasper, although I remained standing less than a few inches from him. I blinked and smiled gently at him. His returning smile seemed to be more beautiful, more loving than ever…somehow. I raised my hand to softly rest on his face, slowly stroking his cheek. His eyes fluttered closed and he leant into my hand, breathing in slowly - with his smile hurting me more by the second. He raised his hand to hold against mine and moved his face round to kiss my palm. I swallowed down the lump in my throat once again and breathed out. Jasper opened his eyes abruptly, his smile faded, and he lowered his hand, still loosely holding mine.
"Bella…" Jasper whispered, although he wasn't asking me anything. I'd been telling myself until then that this wasn't going to hurt him. He didn't care for me enough. But, as arrogant as you may think this sounds, I knew he did. It was then, I think, that I realised Carlisle had been right.
Jasper raised his other hand and ran his fingers through my hair, resting his hand at the back of my neck. I knew I was holding my breath this time, as my gaze drifted from his beautiful, topaz eyes to his lips. I caught a glimpse of his smile again - the last time I would ever see it - and then he kissed me.
It was not like the first time; which seemed a lifetime ago by then, although it wasn't more than a few hours earlier. Jasper did not try to attack me this time, and I knew he wouldn't. He pulled me tighter against him, wrapping his arm around my waist as he deepened our kiss. Even less than a day ago, this moment that I would think to be a dream would be everything to me. But this wasn't the start of my life with Jasper.
This was my goodbye.
I pulled back and stared at Jasper for a few moments, memorising every feature that I would miss. But I knew them all already. I was only prolonging our last few minutes together. Because I wasn't the Bella who met Jamie, anymore. I was the weak Bella who met Edward, and fell in love with his brother.
"Jasper…" I laughed in a sick way and shook my head. "I can't even say this."
Jasper frowned but he said nothing. He knew well enough that I needed time to say something hard. Encouragement wouldn't help at all.
I sighed deeply and rested my head against his chest. He rested his hand at the back of my head and kissed my hair, waiting.
It took a long time of silence but it seemed to no choice of words could make this any less painful. I took a breath and held him tighter. Maybe, then, he wouldn't let go.
"You have to let me die, Jasper."
Not. sorry. I'm in the habit of bad jokes at the moment. =P
Hope it was liked, it took two Travis albums and The Cab to write
PLEASE review. I'm paranoid about this chapter, tell me if i should be.