Disclaimer: Tragically, not mine.
A/N: Hello everybody! How goes life? Now I know what you're going to say. What happened to updating Consequences of Clubbing? Well, it's on its way, but this slipped into my head a few weeks ago and I couldn't get it out. It won't be super long, but it will have a few chapters. It's my first real attempt at humor, so let me know what you think.
Catherine Willows strode into the ladies restroom, leaned against the wall briefly, catching her breath, and then made her way to the sink- and the mirror behind it. With both hands on the counter she stared at her reflection. She glared at it.
"Heterosexual." She shook her head. "Heterosexual, damn it, Catherine Willows!" she nearly shouted it. "You are a het-er-o-sex-u-al! Fucking straight. as. an. arrow! Now pull yourself together." She put a hand to her forehead, she could feel a headache coming on.
The sound of a flushing toilet made her eyes widen. All the color drained from her face.
Oh God. Not good.
In her typical cocky fashion, Detective Sofia Curtis swaggered out of the handicapped stall toward the sink. Catherine pushed up against the towel dispenser to give Sofia room. Their eyes met and held in the mirror. Sofia gave a long, slow smirk. She turned and coughed and Catherine moved aside so she could dry her hands. Sofia tossed her paper towel in the bin and headed towards the door.
Just as Catherine was about to breathe a sigh of relief, the good detective spun around and took a few steps forward. "You know," she said, gesturing with a toothpick she had just pulled from her pocket. "It's a bit like falling."
"What?" Catherine was confused.
The blonde narrowed her eyes a bit and tilted her head to one side. "Falling," she said again. "If you have to take the time to remind yourself to throw out your hands, then it's too late- you've already hit the ground."
Sofia nodded, apparently pleased with her imparted wisdom for the day and turned to go. At the door she looked over her shoulder and gave the older woman a sly wink Catherine was not used to being on the receiving end of. And then she was gone.
Catherine looked back in the mirror. Falling certainly described how she had been feeling for the last few months. She was so not in control here. Maybe she was falling. And if she was, it was with her hands tied behind her back.
Catherine strode into the break room with a heavy mind. Warrick, Nick, and Greg had taken over the table with their card game and the only available seat seemed to be on the couch, between an engrossed Sara- her nose in a magazine, and a very amused Sofia, her lips curled into a half smirk. Catherine chose to stand.
She sighed and scratched nervously at the back of her neck. "Has anyone seen Gil? Where's Gil?"
Nick never even looked up from his cards. "Who knows?"
Greg kept his eyes on his small stack of chips, frowning. "Who cares?"
"He's down at PD with Brass on a conference call with the mayor, talking about the Snow-Sterling case."
Warrick glanced at Sara across the room. "How do you know that? You've been sitting on that couch since we got here an hour ago. You haven't budged."
"She was here three hours early." Catherine supplied, then mentally slapped her forehead as Sara quirked an eyebrow.
"How do you know that?"
"Well," she tried to make her voice casual as she waved a hand, "You…always…come in three hours early after your night off."
Sara frowned thoughtfully. Sofia beamed. Catherine glared.
"I'm going to go see about assignments." She looked pointedly at the detective. "Sofia, would you like to join me?"
The blonde continued to smile. "Why, yes, Catherine, I think I would."
The older woman spun around and stalked out without waiting for Sofia. She ducked into the first empty lab she came across- the DNA lab. As Sofia passed by the doorway, Catherine grabbed her by the arm and pulled her into the room.
Sofia was still grinning smugly. "Why Catherine, what an unexpected surprise. How may I help you?"
"Cut the crap, Curtis!" Catherine was trying to calm herself. Don't panic, don't panic! You can handle this. "What do you know?"
"Know? I don't know anything." Her eyes widened in mock surprise.
Catherine crossed her arms; she was in no mood. "What do you think you know?"
"Well, as a trained detective, I have to admit I have nothing conclusive. But based on circumstantial evidence I would deduce that…you are questioning sexual identity because you have recently developed an emotional and physical attraction to one CSI Sara Sidle."
There was a muffled cough behind them. "Oh, there's that semen sample!" Catherine whirled around in time to see Wendy Simms standing from behind the counter. Wendy smiled awkwardly, holding up a glass slide. "Slippery little buggers."
Catherine put her head in her hands. This day was really not going as planned. "I'm doomed."
Sofia smiled and sauntered over to the counter, "Hey, babe. How much did you hear?"
"Babe?" Catherine asked, confusedly looking up and around. Sofia did not use words like babe.
"Just the bit about Catherine having the hots for Sara." Wendy stepped closer to Sofia.
But Sofia took a step back. "No way you're kissing me with some perp's semen in your hands."
"Oh, right" Wendy set the slide down. "I still forget that creeps people out." This time when she came closer, Sofia's lips met with hers in short but meaningful kiss.
Catherine's jaw dropped. "You two are…?"
Sofia nodded. "Almost a year now."
"Ten months and fourteen days." Wendy corrected, resting a hand on Sofia's arm. "But who's counting?" She smiled at Catherine. "So you're a lesbian; that's great!"
Catherine's eyes went wide as she went pale, "I'm a…? I'm not a…I'm…" She looked up at the two women staring at her. "Not that there's anything wrong with being a…lesbian. Not at all. Lesbians are really great! I'm just…not one."
Wendy turned to Sofia. "Too much too fast?"
The blonde pursed her lips and nodded, "I would say." She moved to the redheaded CSI and ushered her onto a stool before placing a hand on her shoulder. "Catherine, can I ask you a personal question?"
"What do you think about Sara?"
"I said 'no'."
"Just for curiosity's sake, what do you think about her?"
"How do you mean?"
"For example, do you think that she's…smart?" Sofia offered.
"Extremely." The answer came immediately.
"A good CSI?"
Catherine didn't bat an eye. "One of the best."
"God, yes." Catherine clamped a hand over her mouth, eyes wide.
Wendy snorted, but at a glare from Sofia, she held her tongue.
Sofia turned back to Catherine. "Want to tell me how long you've been…?"
Catherine put her head in her hands. This is was beyond awkward. She didn't even really like Sofia all that much and here she was about to admit her deepest secret. "I…don't know. I don't know! It snuck up on me so slowly, I didn't even notice it at first. But now…"
"Now you can't get her out of your head?"
Catherine shook her head. This was ridiculous.
"And how do you feel about that? Scared?" Surprisingly, Sofia's voice was comforting rather than mocking; almost as if she could relate.
Catherine's eyes met the blonde's. "I've never been so petrified in my entire life." She looked from Sofia to Wendy and back. "What am I supposed to do? I'm not gay. I'm just not- I have never been attracted to another woman in my entire life. Men! I like men!"
Wendy shuddered and made a face.
"Until now." Sofia pushed.
"Well," Wendy cocked her head to one side, "You could always do something about it."
"Like ask her out."
Catherine actually snorted. "Are you kidding me? Whether she says 'yes' or 'no', I am so not ready for that. I don't think I could take the rejection which is what would probably happen- her rejecting me. And if by some miracle she actually agrees, I would totally lose it. I haven't got a clue how to date a woman!" The redhead seemed a bit frantic.
Wendy had puzzled expression. "It's like dating man. But you don't have to deal with facial hair or, you know, the whole penis thing." She gave another shudder.
Catherine waved a hand wildly, saying a little too loudly, "I like the whole penis thing!"
"Well, this is a bit awkward." All heads turned towards the door way and the male voice coming from that direction.
He smiled tightly. "I'll come back later."
Catherine tilted her head skyward. "This is so not my day." She looked back to the former lab tech. "How much did you hear?"
He flushed. "Just the umm…just the bit when you confessed that you umm, liked…"
Catherine held up a hand. "Stop there."
"So what's going on? Can I help in any way?" He raised his eyebrows suggestively.
"Afraid not." Sofia gave a wry smile.
"Catherine is having a sexual revelation." Wendy gave him a meaningful look.
The female CSI slapped her forehead and then groaned as her headache worsened. "Why don't we just make posters?"
"Relax. Greg caught Fifi and me in the utility closet six months ago- never told a soul."
Greg pursed his lips together to keep from laughing and Catherine raised a perfectly arched brow as they both looked at Sofia. "Fifi?" They asked in unison.
Sofia colored slightly. "Yeah, well, Catherine's a lesbian, let's focus on the important things, shall we?"
Greg turned back to Catherine with excitement written all over his face. He rubbed his hands together. "You're a lesbian?"
"No, I'm…well, it's complicated. But I'm not…it's just that…shit, I have no idea!"
"She's got a crush on Sara."
"What?" Greg's eyes were size of saucers. "Seriously? No way!"
"Wendy! Shut! Up!"
"Right, sorry." She mimed zipping her lips, locking them, and putting the key down Sofia's blouse, who slapped her hand away.
"And for the record, I do not have a crush on Sara."
"Of course you don't. You just want to kiss her, hold her all night, make love to her and let her hold your hand on long walks? Be there to comfort her when she's down? Dance in your living room, barefoot, with no music on?" Sofia questioned.
After thinking a moment, it was Catherine's turn to widen her eyes. "Oh, shit…" She looked up, her expression one of sheer panic. "I have a crush on Sara."
So? Was it funny? What were the best parts? Do you want to read what happens next? I want to hear it all, so come on and review!