A/N: This isn't my best work, but I just got this idea when I was listening to Ludo. This was originally supposed to be a stand alone, but I was also thinking of doing a contrasting one of Blair and Chuck when they are actually together. So if this one is up to par, I might do another chapter. For those of you who have read my fic Minor Altercation, Despite Your Hesitation, sorry that I haven't updated in like forever. There's a mix up with the documents, but don't worry, I'm on it. I'm still in the middle of writing the next chapter but it will be up by this Tuesday.
Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl or any of the awesomeness that it comes with.
I remember the first time that I realized that I was in love with Blair Waldorf. Desptire my current inability to voice those thoughts and my denial to myself so many times, that was the first time that I actually saw her.
We were at a Ludo concert (trust me, not my idea.) This was right before Serena had disappeared to "boarding school." (I still support my theory that was exactly not where she was.) Apparently she was a big fan and Nate supported all of her endeavors. Of course Blair was still trying in vain to get his attention, so she was going. Nate was by best friend so that meant I was going.
It wasn't until half way through the concert that I realized Blair wanted to be there just as much as I wanted to. Honestly, it wasn't her favorite band. And even though she denied it, she was really only there to keep an eye on Nate. No matter how many times she tried to convince me (because who was she really gonna talk about this to, not Serena,) we both knew that she did not trust Serena alone with her boyfriend.
And apparently, watching me hit on numerous potentials was more captivating than the actual show. Blair teased me the entire night of how I was striking out for the first time that she had ever seen. At first I was indignant.
This was before I realized something had gone terribly wrong with me. I was falling for my best friend's girl friend and there wasn't a fucking thing I could do to stop it.
Fortunately for me, Nate was blind to the overt attempts I made instinctually towards his girlfriend. Nate didn't notice anything. He was too entranced by the girl that he actually wasn't with. I could be screwing Blair and Nate wouldn't even notice.
That was the sad thing about their relationship. Blair didn't get the attention or praise she deserved. She was perfect and Nate didn't notice a thing. Idiot.
The defining moment of my life occured at some pivotal moment that I can't remember. I don't remember what time it was. I don't remember what Nate was saying to me or what girls were eyeing me. None of this mattered because I realized, with dismay, there was only one girl for me. I would spend years, maybe even the rest of my life denying it, but I knew, with perfect clarity, that I could not live without Blair Waldorf. It just sucked that she was practically engaged to my best friend. My best friend who was completely oblivious to her existence. Idiot.
I hated Blair for quite some time after that. She was making me think sulfurous thoughts about my best friend and she didn't even know it. Bitch. But that was why I loved her. No one in the world was like Blair Waldorf. It was the basis of her appeal. An appeal that no one saw. No one but me, I was sure.
I didn't see Blair lay her head sullenly against the tinted window of the limo on the ride there. No, Serena, as always, was monopolizing the attention. Nate, as always, was enchanted by her. She was already drunk (no suprise there.) She ordered the moon roof opened and stuck her head through it, thorougly enjoying it the buildings and streetlights whizzing by.
I cringed inwardly. If anyone knew that this was my limo, it would be the end of me. She made me look like a common tourist. Nate just laughed along with her. I sank back against the leather interior, squeezing my eyes shut. This, predictably, would be the longest and most drawn out night of my life.
I leaned the side of my head against the back of the seat. I should have noticed her at first. She had been sweetly enthusiastic about going at first. I should have seen through this facade. She must have felt my gaze boring into the side of her face. She was very sensitive when it came to things like that.
Blair rolled her head in my direction. I gazed intensely (what I hoped was looking intense) into her wide, deep, dark eyes. She raised her eyebrows at me. Damn her. She seemed impervious to my charm. Leave it to the girl who I would soon realize that I had deep emotional (ugh) feelings for to not be effected by me.
Blair just shook her head pointedly at our best friends making fools of themselves. I smirked. I had been perfecting this look for quite sometime and I hoped it was worth it.
She was very good at putting up a cold mask so that no one could see her feelings brewing acidly beneath. Soon enough, it was just going to corrode through. I would be there to witness it. No one else ever was.
Blair was also very apt at putting on that fake sugary smile. She needed it to survive the court of the Upper East Side. I never knew why she bothered. I was sure she could become queen by just being herself. Fearing authority is a trait that is often overlooked.
That was why I didn't know Blair's true feelings until later. After that, I had made a promise to myself that she wouldn't be unattended again. I made it my business to decode her every motion until the point when every time that mask was put into place, I knew exactly was going on.
This came in handy when Serena vanished to "boarding school." Actually, I should have been thanking Serena. Her disappearance is what brought me closer to Blair.
When we exited the limo, Serena was already stumbling. Nate of course had to go and help her to Blair's envious death glares that somehow only I caught sight of. I am a strong supporter of tough love (probably thanks to my own father.) Serena needs how to carry herself when she's drunk. She won't always have chivelrous Nate to help her keep her footing. Especially if Blair kills him first.
Nate and Serena hurriedly scurried into the still lightened theater. I expected Blair to follow. Apparently keeping an eye on Nate was taxing. I would know. I have been doing it for 15 years.
That's why it surprised me (though it shouldn't have) when Blair went right up and ordered a gin martini. I was sure she was about to get carded.
But even with Blair's back towards me, I was sure she was fixing anyone who doubted her age with her infamous death glare.
Propriety called for Blair to take sips. Not a chance. She downed it in one gulp. I raised his eyebrows in amusement as she made her way towards me, head held high. She was never ashamed of anything.
"Ready?" she asked, superiority coating those two syllables. I couldn't help but cast my smirk in her direction.
"After you," I motioned towards the theater, grandly. Blair rolled her eyes at my lecherous tone in a way that made something strange happen to my body. I didn't like it. It made me feel sick. I ignored it as a leggy blonde clad in a short skirt strutted past me, obviously aware that I was watching. I made a show of checking her out.
"Heinous," I heard Blair mutter, but with familiarity. She was used to me making these kinds of actions. I looked back to see that she was pursing her lips at his actions. That woman missed nothing.
"She was asking for it," I said, nonrepentant, entering the now darkening room with Blair. She shrugged in a way that said like I care anyway. I didn't know why, but somehow, I wanted her to care.
But the thing she most cared about now, as we followed the steps to their seats where Serena and Nate were waiting, was how to separate our two best friends. Not an easy task, especially when one is way on her way to being smashed.
I didn't hate the band, but they were no Louis XIV. It seemed that Blair would like sort of music, but I wasn't about to indulge in small talk, asking her if it was. Like I cared, anyway. That's when Blair surprised me again.
Nate and Serena were on their feet with the music. Blair just slumped back into the seat, the one next to mine. That was supposed to be for Nate but he was too busy with the golden It Girl.
"Not your type of music?" I asked, trying to be nonchalant, abandoning my attempt at disregarding small talk. She was more interesting than most people on any day. Blair didn't even look up at me. Keeping up with Mr. Perfect and Miss Golden Goddess was damn exhausting.
I liked being behind the scenes anyway. I liked the dark schemes and manipulations. I knew Blair indulged in this pasttime as well. Everyone did. That's what made her so different from Nate. He was the most innocent person I had ever met. Maybe opposites attract, but Blair seemed to be a poor match for him.
Those schemes and manipulations were the first trait that I realized that we shared. It wouldn't be the last.
"Not yours, either," Blair commented non committedly. I shrugged, though I didn't check to see that Blair was watching. We both just sat in silence, listening to the decent band while the ones drunk out of their minds, lamented their superiority.
"Drinks!" Serena exclaimed.
"Like you need it," I heard Blair commented. I actually laughed at this. Serena would have no way of knowing. She could barely walk in a straight line.
Blair looked up, surprised (for some reason) that she was actually getting attention. If only she knew that I had the ablility to give her exactly the attention that she deserved. Exactly the attention she needed.
She told Nate that she wanted to wait, but if it were me, she wouldn't have to. I wouldn't judge her (which I knew was a problem because of her poorly warranted low self esteem.) And I definitely didn't have a problem with deflowering her.
Blair was aware of this. I told this to her every chance I got. And strange as it may seem, she would actually seem flattered most of the time, (the time when Nate was paying her any attention.)
But then there were the times where she wasn't so flattered and would dig her acryllic nails into the hand that was roaming up her skirt. I still have scars, I swear.
However, now, Blair seemed glad that someone was taking notice of her. I would tell her over and over that I noticed her every day, but she wouldn't believe me. I wouldn't even belive it myself if it had been any other day. But that wasn't really the sort of line I used to get under a girl's skirt. I went the more overt route, and not as sentimental.
Blair was smiling now, despite the issue that was provided. I was pleased that I was the one who had put it there. Nate couldn't even measure up to that. Blair, however, never saw it that way. Nate was her prince, her knight in shining armor. I was the Devil. Gossip
Girl had rightly nicknamed me that in sixth grade. I guess it stuck ever since. Not that I was comlaining. Blair didn't want a white knight, really. She needed someone who could get under her skin. Someone who actually understood her. Someone street smart who knew the dark humor in situations and could relate with parental neglect.
I was usually a pretty confident person, but hearing me decribe myself like that was strange. The terms I usually used were "great in bed", "sex god"... things of that nature. Never my actual personality. But if Blair was dating Nate, personality didn't seem to be an issue.
Serena had returned quickly with the alcohol. I knew it vexed Blair how Serena could get anything she wanted. While Blair was getting carded, Serena could just flash a brilliant smile and get cases of chamapagne. It was a shame that no one saw Blair for the true perfection that she was.
I looked at her skeptically as she reached for whatever trashy bar drink Serena had retrieved. Apparently my noncomment had lightened her spirits. And that's what she drank. And I watched her glide slowly away from sobriety.
The strobes crossed my face as I lay seated. Blair, on the other hand, was actually trying to enjoy herself, despite current situation. I admired her for that.
She had a fire that no one else bothered to see. I had to admit, I was a little buzzed myself. It made the band sound better. Actually, they weren't half bad. They actually managed to play three consecutive songs that mirrored my current situation.
It was then that everything changed for me. Blair was standing. Serena and Nate towered over her, but she didn't seem to mind. Her hips just did this sultry dance that I was amazed that no one else was noticing. She had moves, I had to admit.
Blair glanced over her shoulder at me, her eyes blazing underneath a cool exterior. I tilted my head curiously at her. I had never seen her this way in public (expecially in front of Nate.) Blair liked to put on this facade for him. She liked him to see her as perfection. The truth was, she was perfect that way she was. Anyone who didn't see that was dull minded.
I hadn't really been listening to the lyrics but something about them pulled me in. I felt like I was watching something in slow motion. I didn't really understand what was happening until it was over. The lights danced across her body. Her curls shifted across her shoulders, wafting her signatuer scent that I could smell over the beer and pot smoke.
This song was bringing out something strange in me because that was when I had a premonition of sorts.
*She would love me cancerously. She would be my gluttonous queen, narcissistic and mean. Snap. That was it. She was going to kill me romantically. She was bitter and she was my sugarplumb. She was awful, and I loved her. She would through the moonbeams, slowly. I was the only one who could see when her edges would soften. She would drain me slowly. She wear me down to bones in bed.
She would suck so passionately. She was hideous and sexy. Nate didn't know about me. Blair was born of a jackal. And she was beautiful.
She would love me dead.*
I realized when the the song came to a close that I was on my feet with the rest of them. Her body heat was radiating from her, as if attempting to ensnare me with its charm. Blair's deep dark eyes bore into mine. I realized that she was definitely buzzed. I loved her even more.
No one would have been able to spot that. Blair was the most elegant drunk I had ever seen. It was only when Nate and Serena were singing word for word the next song that I noticed that Blair and I were the only ones not moving. We seemed to be captivated by the others' gaze.
The theater was pounding, the lights were streaming, people were screaming, getting high, getting drunk. Everyone pulsed with vibrations. Yet, here we were, the Upper East Side's two most manipulative teenagers, who didn't have that passion for this music, completely still.
Something flickered behind Blair's eyes as she slumped back into her seat. I smirked. She was completely drained. And getting more inebriated my the second. Time was that I would just take advantage of her and get it over with. Nate would never know. Blair would probably think it was some dream, if she even remembered it at all.
But all I did was sit quietly next to her, trying to anticipate her next move. I actually wondered if she had been drinking at all. She had some clarity in her eyes that seemed completely out of place. Blair smirked at the fools our friends were making of themselves.
She possessed a clarity that told her I was still staring at her. She raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow that she perfected before she even cast me with it. She turned her head to face me. Blair leaned into me, and for one wild moment, my heart hammered at my chest as though it would break right through my breast bone.
Instead of giving me what I had decided would become mine one day, she just whispered to me. (Well as well as a whisper she could provide above the pounding house, which was more like a regular voice.)
"Bathroom," she informed me. "If anyone asks..." she trailed off as I could pratically hear her inner monologue like anyone will.
I suppose it would have been easier for her if I stood up to let her pass. However, I just found that my body refused to move as I lay slouched low in my seat. She gave me an acidic look and rolled her eyes. Usually Blair cared about propriety, but we were amidst God knows who (maybe people from Brooklyn, ugh) and her clarity seemed to be fading. So she attempted to just crawl over me.
I was prepared to wait years planting evidence against Nate until she realized how wrong he was for her. But here it seemed he was going to be paid in full, even if it was only for a few moments.
Blair arched a perfectly toned leg clad only in a skirt that reached mid thigh over mine that were stretched out in front of me. For another wild moment I wondered hurriedly what it would be like if she were straddling me. I pulled at my hair, trying to rid my brain of the image that it came up with.
Blair's heeled foot touched down on my other side which was where she faltered. I immediately shot out my hands to steady her. Unfortonately for me and my deterioriting mind set, my hands felt her waist. Her own hand braced against my shoulder. Damn that intoxicating perfume of hers.
Blair brought her other leg, stumbling over me again. I was certain she didn't feel my hands graze her thigh, roaming slightly upwards (completley by accident, I swear.)
She just cast a (what she probably didn't intend to be) sultry look over her shoulder. A small smile pulled at the corners of her lips. It could have been thanking me for "helping" her, it could have been that she actually did realize that I was nonintentionally-intentionally feeling her up. I knew the truth, though.
Blair was glad that someone actually was paying attention to her. I promised I would do exactly that for the rest of my life. Sort of an empty promise for a 15 year old to make, but I was quite positive that no one would be able to entrance me like Blair Waldorf. I didn't care if she loved me dead. She was worth it.
Just to clarify some things. This may be slightly AU because I'm really not sure if Chuck had these feelings this early, but I just thought it was a good idea. The asterics around part of Chuck's inner monologue or "premonition" is indeed a referrence to Ludo's "Love Me Dead." I know that referrences don't really work if I'm telling you what they mean, but I also don't want to get in trouble for plagarism. If you listen to the song, then I'm sure you could tell that it completely is reminescent of Chuck and Blair, and that's the main reason why I did this fic. I thought it would be interesting if Chuck found out that he liked Blair while just listening to this song. So if this is a good fic, I will expand on it, writing another one when Chuck and Blair are secretly together but at a different concert. All rights go to Ludo and their song "Love Me Dead", which is really good, btw. Agh, sorry this is so long. Again, not my best work, but I hope it was enjoyable. I also understand that the continuity is a little messed up. Ludo probably didn't come out with this song before Serena went to boarding school, but whatever. It was the only time line that worked.