Notes: Be warned. This story has even more gender-bending madness than Dimensional Travel is Confusing. Be warned…
Disclaimer: Could you do me a favor and look up on Google to see who the owner of Naruto is? Now read the name slowly; memorize it. Now read my name. If you still think I am the owner, I will personally haxx0rz your computer and stream your personal files all over the Internet.
A lonesome boy, barely five years old, walked down the streets of his so-called 'home'. Several people glared at him as he slowly dragged himself back to his apartment. Some threw objects at him, the sharper ones mysteriously disappearing in midair as black blurs shot by, unseen by the villagers. The boy was the container of Kyuubi no Kitsune and sole heir to the Namikaze and Uzumaki fortunes. His name was Uzumaki Naruto and he just learned the way of the ninja was sexist.
Sarutobi Hiroshi looked down at the small boy cowering at her feet. The Sandaime Hokage looked to the angry and clearly drunk villager trying to shove past one of her ANBU guards.
"Let me at him! He killed my daughter!" The woman slurred, waving an empty beer bottle threateningly. Naruto whimpered as he buried himself deeper into Hiroshi's robe, as if trying to be engulfed in its protective warmth. Hiroshi frowned.
She looked at the woman and opened her wrinkled mouth. "How could he have killed your daughter? He is nothing but a small child, a boy nonetheless."
"No, he's not Hokage-sama!" She said, grinning. "He's the damned Kyuubi taking on a human form! The clever fox has many of the kunoichi fooled, including you! No offense of course…"
Hiroshi sighed as she ran a hand through graying hair. The Hokage nodded to her ANBU.
The masked kunoichi brought a swift chop to the woman's neck, knocking her unconscious. Naruto looked in awe at the speed the ANBU moved in. "Wow…"
Hiroshi smiled at the young lad as he tried to crawl out of the white and red folds of her robes. The boy stood and walked up to the cloak-wearing kunoichi, his eyes glistening.
"Excuse me, Mask-san, but how did you do that?" He said, curiosity and fascination overwhelming his previous thoughts.
The woman looked down at him with her dog mask. Her smooth silver hair swayed side to side as her head moved. "I merely knocked him out, Naruto-san. It is a common skill that all kunoichi use against civilians."
"Kunoichi?" He repeated. Naruto's nose scrunched up at an unfamiliar word. The blonde boy turned to his grandmother figure. "Obaachan, what's a kunoichi?"
The elderly lady crouched to Naruto's level. "A kunoichi is a warrior of sorts, Naruto-kun. They live and train to protect the village and their loved ones. In a hidden village such as the one we live in, a kunoichi would most likely be watching you at all times. It is their duty to do so. They use Jutsu and the Will of Fire to keep bad people away."
A look of understanding adorned the blonde's face. Then it was quickly replaced by one of determination. "Obaachan! I've decided on what a want to be when I grow up!"
Hiroshi smiled lightly, already predicting what the boy wanted to say. "You can't be a kunoichi, Naruto-kun."
"Eh!? Why not!?" Naruto exclaimed.
"All kunoichi are girls, Naruto-kun. And you are most definitely not a girl." Hiroshi answered with a giggle.
"B-but… Why? Why do kunoichi have to be girls!?" The blonde asked, his eyes watering.
"It's just the way it is, Naruto-kun. Kunoichi have been girls since the beginning of nindo, the ninja arts." The Hokage replied.
"What are ninja?" Naruto asked, curiosity once again overwhelming his previous thoughts.
"It's just another word for kunoichi, Naruto-kun. And no you cannot become a kunoichi and that's final." Hiroshi said. The Hokage stood and walked back inside the Hokage Tower. The ANBU guard with the silver hair and dog mask picked up the unconscious woman and disappeared in a swirl of leaves and smoke. Naruto pouted in a manner that would drive teenage girls mad as he trudged away from the large building, thinking about a way to become as awesome as Mask-san.
Inspiration struck him like a lightning-covered hand to his chest. The boy decided he would look up a way to become a ninja. He would do anything, even if he had to disguise himself as a girl for the next few years, to be a kunoichi.
The ANBU agents guarding him grew quite frightened when the young boy they were supposed to be protecting inconspicuously had begun to chuckle in an evil manner.
Of course the nearby villagers feared the Kyuubi had finally escaped and begun to plot their doom, hence the malefic chuckle. Men screamed as they shoved their children into their homes while the women charged out with pitchforks and whatnot, shouting battle-cries. The elite mask-wearing kunoichi sighed as they went into action in order to pacify the panicking crowd.
The next few weeks was spent in the library, where the librarian didn't seem to pay any attention to him. Then again, all she did was read a strange orange book called Yaoi Yaoi Paradise while giggled perversely. Meh. The blonde boy researched diligently, reading books with his limited grammar knowledge to the best of his ability. Soon enough, he found a particularly big and dusty tome with the title, 'The Legend of Shinobi'. Naruto opened the first page and let out a long drawled-out. "Wooooow…"
Reason? The book had pictures! The first image was that of a kunoichi, battle-clad and armed with kunai to the teeth. However, the immediate thing the boy noticed was the warrior depicted in the picture did not have mounds on its chest nor the round and pretty features of an average kunoichi. Instead, it had a brown stubble of hair on its chin, broad shoulders and a particularly thick pad of armor around the crotch. Yup, it was definitely a guy.
"Success!" The blonde shouted in joy. He had just found evidence that male kunoichi did exist.
"Shhh!!!" The librarian hissed. "I'm trying to read my book over here!"
Sounds of perverted giggled followed as Naruto hefted the large book over his shoulder. The blonde ran out of the library, eager to show his grandmother figure that he could become a kunoichi. Of course, he did not notice the library alarms going off and the closest person to the library doorway, a muscled woman in a green leotard, getting tackled by the security guards.
"Damn you, Kirashi! I just know this is related to you!" The woman, Maito Chikku, screamed to the sky as the guards handcuffed her.
"Alright, miss. You just have to give back the book and you'll be free." The female guard told her.
"For all that is youthful, I didn't steal a book!"
"Just cooperate miss and give it back."
"No! I did not steal it!"
"She's going wild! Get me a tazer!"
"W-wait! Wait! YEEEOOWCH!"
Meanwhile, a silver-haired kunoichi with her face buried in Yaoi Yaoi Paradise sneezed.
"Aw… I just got snot on the scene where Ryuu and Kyo are having a threesome with Takashi."
"Obaachan!" Came a shout from outside the Hokage's office. The elderly lady looked up from her Yaoi Yaoi Paradise… I mean 'paperwork'. She recognized the voice immediately.
A small blonde boy burst through the doorway, a large tome on his back and a couple ANBU guards tripping over their feet to catch up to him.
"Obaachan! Obaachan! I found it!" Naruto cried as he ran around the long desk containing the Hokage's masses of paper.
"Found what exactly Naruto-kun?" Hiroshi asked with a kind smile. She nodded to the ANBU, telling them to leave. The two kunoichi who were flat on their faces at the door grumbled before walking back outside, closing the door behind them.
"I found proof!" The boy responded as he slammed the big book on the table with surprising strength for a five-year old. It was on the page of the male ninja. "There are boy kunoichi!"
Hiroshi sighed. She knew that this was going to happen. "Naruto, male ninja are called shinobi as the title of the book says. And also as the book says, it's just a legend."
"Hm…" The boy had a thoughtful look on his whiskered face. His eyes lit up. "Then I'll just have to make that legend come true!"
"Naruto-kun, it's not that simple…"
"I don't care! I wanna become a kunoichi! I wanna be cool like Mask-san!" He pouted, crossing his arms for the extra cuteness.
"No… I don't just wanna be a kunoichi! I wanna be a shinobi! And even better, I'll become the first male Hokage! Just you watch, Obaachan! When I'm older, you'll be handing me that awesome hat!"
Oh boy… Naruto was on a roll. When he got like this, anything could spout from his mouth. And with his OCD-like penchant for keeping promises, the elderly Hokage was sure the boy would go to great lengths to fulfill them. Who knows? He might just become the first shinobi since the First Great Ninja War. And with a shit-load of luck, the boy might actually become the first male Kage.
'Nah…' Hiroshi shook her head with a giggle. 'There's no way Naruto-kun could even become a ninja, let alone a Kage. I think my age is getting to me.'
"I'm sure that if you would become a ninja, Naruto-kun, you might have a chance of becoming Hokage, but unfortunately…"
"What!?" Naruto exclaimed. "What is it!?"
"Unfortunately, the Ninja Academy only accepts female students." Hiroshi said. "And you need to graduate from the Academy before you even become a genin, the lowest of the ninja ranks."
Naruto tapped a finger on his chin. "I'll be right back!"
Ten minutes later, an excited Uzumaki ran back into the office where Hiroshi was waiting patiently.
"Here!" He shoved a book towards her, showing the description of a rather common E-rank Genjutsu, the Henge no Jutsu.
Hiroshi sighed. "No, Naruto-kun. I cannot allow it. Besides the teachers would surely notice the Genjutsu."
Naruto looked downcast before regaining his determination. "Then I'll have to make it so that no one could notice it! Not even you, Obaachan!"
Nearly nine years later, it was the day after graduation day. Less than a dozen girls entered the classroom of Umino Hiruka, gossiping and giggling like normal teens. They sat down in their respective chairs and listened intently to their teacher, who was standing at the front of the room.
"Alright class." Hiruka said, smiling. "Today is one of the most important days of your life. For today, with Kami's blessing and the Will of Fire burning in your hearts, you will leave behind your Academy days and go out to the world beyond, as kunoichi!"
A cheer resounded through the room. The scarred woman scanned the rows, taking attendance mentally. The students that graduated yesterday's Genin Exam were an exceptional bunch. Many were from prevalent ninja clans, having above than average skills for a regular newly-graduated kunoichi.
'Aburame Shiina…' She was in the bottom-left row, her face covered by her collar and a large pair of sunglasses.
'Akimichi Chourei…' The 'big-boned' girl was eating a bag of chips in the top-right row.
'Haruno Sakura…' The intelligent pinkette sat with her best friends in middle-right row.
'Hyuuga Hinata…' She sat next to Shiina, her white eyes scanning the room while her fingers poked each other nervously.
'Inuzuka Kibira…' The girl played with her nin-dog, Akibe, in the top-right row.
'Nara Shikae…' She slept between to Chourei and Kibira, snoring peacefully.
'Uchiha Satsuki…' The normally-broody Uchiha lightly chatted with Sakura.
'Uzumaki Naruko…' She wasn't in her normal spot in the bottom-right row… Curious.
'Yamanaka Ino…' The platinum blonde daydreamed next to Satsuki, looking out of the window wistfully.
"Alright, now it's time to assign teams…"
"NARUTIMATE ENTRANCE!" An orange, yellow and black blur crashed through a window and flipped gracefully before landing next to Hiruka.
"… Welcome to class Naruko."
The whiskered 'girl' grinned foxily at 'her' sensei. "Hehe… Sorry for the window."
A seven-year old Naruto came crashing into the Hokage's office, a big vulpine grin on his face.
Hiroshi sighed. 'I really need to improve my security…'
"What is it Naruto-kun?"
"I've found a way to get into the Academy!"
"Naruto-kun, I've told many times already. Kirashi may have taught you how to mold chakra, but you still cannot join the Ninja Academy."
"… Heehee. Watch this! Oiroke no Jutsu!"
And with a 'poof', in place of Naruto, a smoking-hot blonde bombshell of a bishounen stood, naked as the day he was born. Thankfully, the smoke around his manhood still hadn't dissipated. The elderly woman's hibernating hormones suddenly jumpstarted. They sent a juggernaught of signals up and down her body, catalyzing three simple reactions to a situation such as this.
Blush. Nosebleed. Faint.
Several minutes of scolding later, Hiroshi and Naruto, still in bishounen form but having a towel around his waist, faced each other from across her desk.
"What was the point of this scandalous Jutsu, Naruto-kun?" The Hokage asked, her face still red.
'Naruto' grinned a grin so beautiful, a legion of fangirls would have fallen at his feet, reveling in its awesomeness. "Can you tell if it's a Genjutsu, Obaachan?"
Hiroshi suddenly had a look of astonishment after she tried to dispel it. "I can't dispel it… How did you do this?"
"Well Mask-chan tried to teach me a Jutsu because I was being… 'Emo'. Or whatever Mask-chan calls it." 'Naruto' chuckled. "I kinda messed up and this is the result! I can turn into a girl, too! So can I go to the Academy now!? Pleeeaaase!?"
"Team Seven is Haruno Sakura, Uchiha Satsuki, and Uzumaki Naruko. Your Jounin sensei is Hatake Kirashi. Team Eight is Hyuuga Hinata, Inuzuka Kibira, and Aburame Shiina. Your Jounin sensei is Yuuhi Kurenai. Team Nine is still in service from last year. Team Ten is Yamanaka Ino, Akimichi Chourei, and Nara Shikae. Your Jounin sensei is Mitarashi Anko. It's break time so you girls can have some time getting to know your teammates. After lunch, you have to report back to class to wait for your new Jounin senseis, got it?"
"Good." And so Hiruka left the room in a swirl of leaves, leaving the new teams to themselves. After a hapless lunch filled with arguing for Team Seven, Sakura and Satsuki turned to Ino with frowns.
"Sorry, Ino. I guess you're all alone. I wish we could've been a team, but it's got to be balanced right?" Sakura said.
"Pfft… Those two bums are nothing." Ino jerked her thumb at Shikae and Chourei with a smirk. "At least I'm not stuck with Naruko-baka."
"Just shut up…" Satsuki said, slapping her forehead. "It's bad enough we got him as a third teammate. Stop mocking us."
It was a well-known fact that Naruko and Satsuki have had one of the most intense one-sided rivalries since the times of the Dentestu no Sannin. Putting them in the same team was like calling for death to knock on your door with cake and your dead relative's head on a pike. Meaning, it's a big no-no.
"Damned balanced teams…" The Uchiha sighed hopelessly.
The sunny-blonde 'girl' came up to their row in 'her' usual unorthodox way: jumping onto Satsuki's desk and getting into the raven-haired Uchiha's face as much as possible.
"Look, teme." Naruko said with a grin. "Don't hold me back and we'll be fine as a group, alright?"
Satsuki glared at 'her'. "Shouldn't I be saying that to you?"
Lightning sparked between them as their faces got as close as possible to each other's without touching.
As fate would have it, Akibe wanted to play. The small nin-dog jumped off her owner's desk and ran down the stairs that was in between the rows. She turned into the bottom-right row. Kibira went after her.
"Wait up Akibe!" The Inuzuka girl chased after her companion down into the bottom-right row, unaware of the staring contest between the Uzumaki and Uchiha. Then, in a totally random, not-planned-by-an-author sequence of actions, Kibira bumped into Naruko. The whiskered teen tried to balance 'herself' as 'she' tipped forwards suddenly, but that failed on an epic level. The sounds of gasping and lips smacking soon followed.
Yuuhi Kurenai and Mitarashi Anko walked side-by-side down the halls of the Academy, to the classroom where their students would be.
"What do you think your team would be like, Nai-chan?" Anko asked her best friend.
"I don't have a clue. I just hope they're competent." The crimson-eyed kunoichi replied as they came upon their chosen destination.
"Well I for one, hope my team is something… out of the ordinary." Anko giggled perversely. Kurenai shook her head with a small smile. The purple-haired trench coat-wearing kunoichi opened the door to find two of the students furiously making out while the others stared at them in shock.
"… Whoever those two are, I want them as apprentices, whether they're my students or not."
Kurenai could only shake her head again at Anko's comment.
Review please! If you can't review, a simple tribute of apple pie would suffice. Just drop it off in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean with a tag saying, 'for Da-Deranged-Dude'. Trust me, it'll find its way to my doorstep. Eventually.