You think you know someone then they do something that completely blows that idea out of the water. Take Tseng for instance. He has been the closest thing I have ever had to a father. I thought he saw me as the closest thing he had had to a son, that he would never ever do anything to deliberately hurt me. Boy, was I wrong!
I really wish I had not gotten my memory back – then I would not know all the stuff that I know now. The stuff that weighs me down and makes me ache and want to scream out loud at the injustice of the world… and it is your fault entirely, Reno. Well, mine I guess. All because I could not bring myself to cause hurt to my 'father'.
Ah, Reno, I have loved you for years. Watching you sometimes, my heart aches and I want nothing more than to walk up to you and pull you into my embrace but, I never have - even when you told me that you felt the same, I resisted. I could not even tell you why. I am sure that hurt you more than you would ever admit but I guess you are over it now, right?
When you told me you were interested, my heart soared… for about five seconds. Then I remembered Tseng. In all my time watching you, it had not escaped my attention that Tseng was also watching you. I knew from the way he looked at you that he was in love with you too. How could I do that to him? How could I force him to watch while I was happy with you? I *knew* he would never do it to me so there was no way I would put him through that.
So I turned you away that day and I know I will regret it until the day I die. At the time though, despite the pain, I knew I was doing the right thing…
How things change, eh? I get trapped in the rabble of my now nearly extinct empire, I forgot who I was and as it turns out, a lot of things that I had always taken for granted where proved to be completely false. I got my memory back just in time for Tseng to make his move on you.
I have no idea how to get past this. Perhaps that is the worst part. I cannot forgive him for listening to me as I tried to understand my feelings for you – for a man I did not even remember - when he knew that I had loved you and you had loved me too. Then the next thing I know, he is telling me that you are together… what else can I do but try and be happy for you both? After all, I read through my journals, I knew the Turks were the closest thing to family that I had. How can I let that go for the sake of a broken heart? That fact remains true with my returned memory.
I thought I would be okay before – even though we were not together, I knew you were mine. You did things to keep my attention on you, picking fights, doing silly things… it helped me survive the worst days. You were the only one that I wanted and it seemed that the feeling was mutual. 'Some day.' That is what I told myself. Some day we would be together. After the old man was gone, after things settled down, after finding Sephiroth… after. Always after! Stupid, stupid child!
You never bother trying to get or keep my attention any more. In fact, it is about all I can do to get you to make eye contact with me. I miss you. I cannot bring myself to hate *you* though. You can only be rejected so many times before you give up altogether, right? I think he is making you happier than I ever could and for that at least, I am glad. You deserve happiness.
Tseng though… how can I forget this? Or forgive? I hope you have not picked up on it though. I would hate to make you feel bad for finding happiness somewhere. Over the years, my mask of indifference has gotten better. Sometimes I think, it has become my actual face… can anyone even see past it any more? Would I want them to? It does not matter much, I guess. No one is looking so why worry? You were really the only person that ever bothered to look closely enough to see me.
I do wish though, that his office were not right beside mine. To hear you both… it kills me. Sometimes I wonder if maybe you are so loud just to make me hurt a little more but I do not really believe that. You never seem bothered about me now so why would you care enough to do that?
I am getting sidetracked again, am I not? I was talking about Tseng… He no longer feels like a father to me. Not just because of the fact that he took you away from me but he has distanced himself from me too. I am sure that is at least partly my fault but I just cannot shake off the feeling of betrayal. Then again, maybe now that your attention is no longer on me, he does not feel the need to bother with me at all.
It has made me realise some things though - if you should ever split up, I will be there. I will not hold back. I will not stop for anyone. If there is even the smallest chance that you could love me again, I will do anything in my power to rekindle that spark and to hell with what anyone else thinks or wants!
We would have been great together, Reno. I hope some day I get the chance to prove to you that we still could be. I am willing to wait however long it takes. I love you, I always will.