Update 1/30/14: Just doing some routine cleaning up of my old, old fics. Did I mention old? Did I mention I was young and stupid? Nothing is going to save this fic. Nothing.

Third One This Month

"Gaara…" said Temari.

"No!" exclaimed Gaara, "I'm not going to another therapist!"

Temari wore a look of pleading.

"Gaara, I really think it would benefit everyone," she explained slowly, "In that office, there is someone who can help you with your little… Problem."

"I don't have a problem! And none of the others have been able to do anything!" he shouted angrily.

Temari shot Kankurou a look that said, 'Will you please help me here?'

Kankurou swallowed nervously and said, "Gaara, if you don't go in there…I'll…I'll…take away all of your cookies! And even your ice cream!"

On Gaara's face was a look of pure horror.

"You wouldn't have the guts," he said.

"Try me," Kankurou threatened.

There was a long pause.

"Fine. I'll see your stupid therapist. Why not see if he will have a different ending than the others," Gaara said, with quite a scary look on his face.

Temari and Kankurou exchanged glances.

"Well come on then, Gaara. The entrance is this way," Temari prompted, looking a little bit anxious now.

The sand siblings approached the lady at the front desk. Or I suppose you could call it a lady. It appeared to be more like a demonic entity. A terrible aura emanated from the black and purple figure, who appeared to made of a sort of smokey substance. Well, either way, it was wearing a dress.

"Um, hello ma'am. We're here on an appointment for Sabaku no Gaara?" Temari said uncertainly.

The demon-lady typed something up on the computer and then smiled at her. It was scary.

"You're right on time. Dr. Sparrow's office is the one on the left. You just go right in!" it said.

Temari tried to smile at it, and then motioned for her brothers to follow her. Gaara glared at the thing at the desk. He didn't trust it because it reminded him of those evil TV shows for toddlers. Even he couldn't explain how.

"Great! The one on the left, huh? They're all on the left! How are we supposed to find it now?" Kankurou complained loudly.

Temari sighed with great condescension.

"It's that one," she said, vaguely waving a hand in its direction.

It was a door with fluffy pink clouds painted on it, and the words "Office of Cuddly Fun-ness" printed in big colorful letters.

"I'm not going in there."

"Gaara…" warned Temari.

"Fine, I'm going."

The inside of the office was even worse than the outside. Everything was the hideous color of yellow. Such a blindingly bright color that it threatened to feed the sun its power until the it got so big it engulfed the entire Earth in fire. Or at least, that's how it seemed to Gaara. He loathed the color yellow with a passion. Temari knew of her little brother's hatred and decided it was best to speed up their little session.

"Hello?" she called out hesitantly.

Then the yellow chair behind the yellow desk turned to reveal a young man with long black hair pulled back in a ponytail. The first thing Gaara thought was, 'How dare he wear his ugly hair like Hyuuga! I ought to kill him just for that!' But before he could think anything else of the sort, Kankurou said,

"Are you Dr. Sparrow?"

The Doctor perked up immediately.

"Yes sir, I am Dr. Jack Sparrow. You must be my eleven O'clock appointment!"

"Jack Sparrow?" Kankurou repeated, smirking. "Like the pirate?"

Dr. Sparrow ignored this comment and motioned for them to be seated on the couch.

"So which one of you lovely children will I be therapy-ing today?"

"Is that even a word?" Gaara scoffed.

"Him." Temari pointed hesitantly at Gaara.

"I see. You're a cutie aren't you! I'm sure you have all the ladies running after you, am I right?"

Gaara's eye twitched and he began to move his hand up. 'Does he really dare to make fun of me?' he thought angrily. Temari quickly pushed his hand back down and gave him a look. Gaara translated it to 'Behave or we will take your cookies.'

"So, Gaara, it says here that you like to kill people. Is this true?" said Dr. Sparrow.

"Obviously," Gaara stated without emotion.

"I see, I see. So, why do you kill people, then?" asked Dr. Sparrow curiously.

"It gives me purpose, and helps me to vent my anger against society," he said.

Dr. Sparrow gave a long, exaggerated sigh.

"Why do I always get the emo kids? Look at you, you're even wearing eyeliner! At least you're not an "avenger" like the last one."

Gaara stood up and slammed his hands onto the desk.

"I-Do-Not-Wear-Eyeliner." he hissed, squinting his eyes in anger, "It's called Insomnia, you bitch!"

"Now I can see that you're angry," Dr. Sparrow continued, "But don't take all of your misplaced anger out on me! Here, lets try a simple exercise."

Gaara, starting to calm down, slowly returned to the couch.

"Now I'm going to show you a few cards, Gaara, and I'd like you to tell me the first thing that pops into that adorable little head of yours." he said.

Gaara's eye twitched again at the "adorable'" comment, but instead he said,

"If you make me do this, it will be the biggest cliché in the history of therapy."

Temari knew that Gaara was only being difficult and told him to just get it over with.

Gaara crumpled up his nose in disgust, but grudgingly agreed to the exercise.

Dr. Sparrow showed him the first card.

"Blood," he said.

"Okay…" Dr. Sparrow mumbled, and proceeded to show him the next card.

"Blood. Blood. They're all blood. All of them," Gaara said monotonously.

"Okay, I know where this is going." Dr. Sparrow said, "But luckily I've already come to my diagnosis!"

Kankurou looked relieved that this wouldn't have to go on any longer. He could see Gaara's bloodlust in his eyes, and it had been steadily growing in the past twenty minutes.

"Really? What is it?" he asked.

Temari groaned and said, "It's not going to be a puppy, is it?"

"Nooo…" said Dr. Sparrow.

He scribbled something out on his sheet.

"Gaara, I hereby diagnose that you get... Drum roll please… A girlfriend!"

"What?!" Temari and Kankurou shouted.

They were shocked to say the least.

"Gaara's lack of being loved over the years is the reason that he's been killing people. Soooo, all he needs is a girlfriend and he will finally feel loved!" Dr. Sparrow explained.

"This is perfect Gaara!" started Temari, "I'm sure we can find you a-"

"I'm currently in a very serious relationship," Gaara interrupted.

"W-what? With who!" Kankurou stammered.

"I can't even believe you guys right now. Hyuuga comes to our house to pick me up for dates all the time. I assumed that you knew we were together." Gaara said, in a very annoyed tone of voice.

"Wow, Gaara. Hinata's a pretty nice girl, I guess," said Temari.

"Ew! You think I'm going out with Hinata?" he asked in a disgusted tone of voice.

"You aren't?" Kankurou appeared puzzled.

"Yuck, of course not. I'm going out with Neji."

Gaara's siblings just stared at him. Dr. Sparrow cleared his throat.

"Well then. My fee is $200 per minute. I'm glad that I could help you with your problem,"

Gaara looked at him and said, "You did nothing. And you stole my Neji-kun's hairstyle."

Gaara then raised his hand and covered him with sand.

"Gaara can't we just talk about this?" he pleaded.


"Fine then, I did steal his hairstyle! Ha! It looks so much better on me anyway!" Dr. Sparrow said conceitedly.

"Dude, that's not exactly how you grovel and beg for your life." Kankurou interjected.

"It's not?"

Kankurou shook his head.

"OH SH-"

"Sand coffin!" Gaara exclaimed.

Then he strutted out of the office. Temari and Kankurou stared down at Dr. Sparrow's bloody remains.

"Poor guy," she said, "Third one this month."

"Yeah-Hey wait a minute, does this mean that Gaara is gay?"

That is the actual best I can do.